Tomorrow is a new day

Image from My Status 360

It’s probably a bad idea to write a blog post when you’re cross, and I am cross today. Its been another fun filled day in the office and I’ve completely fallen out with myself. About 45 minutes after going in, I wanted to turn on my heel and go back out, but I didn’t have the balls.

It’s fitting I suppose that I should feel like this, because I’ve finally stopped wondering what I am going to do with my blog. After much pondering, humming and haaahing I’ve decided I’m going to do nothing. Nothing drastic anyway.

This blog is important for me, especially on days like today where I need to stop, sit down and have a serious fucking think about where my life is going.

You see if it wasn’t for this space and it’s blank pages, I probably wouldn’t talk about the veritable storm that goes on between my ears. Instead I’d dwell, ponder and make mountains out of molehills. More so than I do normally.

I’m not the same person I was four years ago when I started this blog and it’s unlikely that I ever will be again, so I need to stop pretending to be someone I am not and embrace who I am becoming instead.

In order to do that I need to be able to write everything and about all parts of me. When I started blogging and chose to be anonymous, things were a lot easier, but when people from real life started to find out my words became stifled. So much so that despite the fact that my mind was awash with ideas, many posts remained in my head unwritten.

In reality I like to think that sometimes I can be funny, but I am hounded by anxiety and I have no doubt that often times depression nips at my heels. So I suppose in essence that means there are two sides to me, on one hand we have the public persona and on the other we have the private one. Although both are very different, when they are put together they make up the person I am.

I need and want to be able to express myself on this blog, and going forward that is something I am going to try to do. I don’t need anyone to worry about me. I find writing extremely therapeutic, it helps me to put things into perspective and sort them out. I don’t write for sympathy and nor do I want sympathy. I’m not the only person in the world with problems and this wonderful community proves that. We work and we support each other and for me that is the real beauty behind blogging.

So, you’re stuck with me for a while longer. I’ve decided to take you on my journey of discovery. It’s all about finding out who I am.

Some days there will be tears and some days there will be laughter, but that’s all part of life isn’t it, we have to take the good with the bad.

Thank you so much for being here for the last however many years, months or days you have followed, I have no doubt I have received more from this community than I have given and I feel truly blessed to be a part of it.

To celebrate and as a present to myself, I finally mapped my domain name, I doubt you will have noticed, but it’s just something small that makes things a little more permanent for me.

Also, excluding social media followers, one of my goals was always to reach 1000 followers on WordPress itself. At the time of writing this post there are 998. I’ve decided that’s good enough because in life I am never really quite where I want to be, but it doesn’t stop me trying anyway.

Just over four years ago I had nothing, just some words on a page and no followers. Now I am a part of something I love, and I hope that continues for a long time.

P.s I’m not cross any more :)

Concerning life

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Image from Quotes Gram

I have romantic notions about how I should be living my life. Curling up in front of an open fire with my laptop after having had a shower, all calm and chilled and wasting a little time before heading to bed at 10.30pm every night meaning I am well rested for work.

Reality: Hot fecking mess, that’s what it is! and without the open fire.

I stupidly thought that perhaps life was returning to some kind of normality and that maybe I was too. You see I’m trying to get everything done, get the house sorted, get me sorted, and then life will be good right!? Wrong…it’s still a bloody disaster.

I had a couple of days off this week, another chance to de clutter and finally move from one bedroom to the other, as my current one needs redecorated thanks to the mouldy 20 odd year old wallpaper. Day one progressed not too bad, I got things done. That said every time I opened a cupboard there was just more ‘stuff’. I mean there is stuff on top of stuff, covered with stuff that’s hiding even more stuff. Trust me, it’s depressing stuff! Thanks Mothership, your legacy lives on. That said, there were tears throughout the day too  as I came across a variety of photographs that brought back memories, some happy and some sad.

I ended day one feeling hopeful. Hopeful that there was one cupboard cleared, under the bed in the guest room had been de gunked and that I might finally have finished this mammoth task by 2018. In order to make that time scale however I might have to call in reinforcements in the form of the Sistership, I think this is too big a task for a one man band.

Day Two. I woke up. My head hurt. Another fecking migraine. You have got to be kidding me. I never left the sofa all day, anything I tried to eat returned with a vengeance and I didn’t even make it out to vote. Illness has followed me like a lovesick puppy since my Mum died, I have never been sick so often in my entire life. Colds, flu like symptoms, crippling migraines, has no one told my body I am supposed to be under less stress now ffs. I’m still not feeling great and that was 3 days ago.

Since the start of the year I have tried to be better to myself. Instead it’s left me feeling worse and yes before you say it I know, this is probably just a phase and things will get better. You all think my body is trying to catch up on the last four years and you’re probably right, but I am mightily sick of being sick!

I’m 65 days, 11 hours, 53 minutes and 14s smoke free as I type this. Don’t worry, I’m not that anal that I can count the days in my head, I’m not that good at maths  either. I have an App for that. I’ve made changes to my diet, I keep an eye on my blood pressure and I’ve substituted crisps (I miss you so much little crisps, never forget me) for nuts, which are apparently good fats and not the bad ones. All this, and still I feel like shit. Seems kinda unfair right!? Yeah I think so too.

Sensible me knows that change doesn’t happen overnight and I have four years to make up for, so I am determined to soldier on. I need to remind myself that everything does not have to be done all at once. I need to stop beating myself up when I let other people down due to being sick, I can’t help being sick and worrying about it only increases the stress. For the last four years I lived off a schedule where everything had to be done there and then and I am finding it hard to break that habit.

Things will be done when they are done. If not today, then there is always tomorrow. I just need to drum that into my thick skull!

 

 

Going forward, not backwards!

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My counselling is finished and that’s kinda scary because now it’s just me, on my own again against the big bad world.

I do feel different and others say they can see a change in me. That said, there will always be people who will not understand my anxiety issues or even try to. I wish they could walk a day in my shoes to experience what it is like to be on the inside looking out. I am making changes, but it is going to take time. I am a work in progress.

I am proud of myself, which prior to counselling is something I would probably never have said out loud or written down. I was committed to this process, I needed to make it work. All through the summer when things were getting worse with the Mothership I hoped that my appointment would come through, but it turns out that despite the fact that it was later than I hoped, it was  at just the right time, only I didn’t realise that then.

I’ve been given the tools I need to get on with my life, what I choose to do with them now is up to me. I need to continually challenge both myself, and my thought processes. In effect I am retraining and rewiring my brain. It’s a shame that my wonky leg is not wonky enough to give myself an occasional kick up the arse when needed, because believe me there are days I still find extremely challenging.

I’ve been through a lot these last four years and it’s only now I’m realising I am no longer on a schedule or dancing to someone else’s tune. Sure I still have to look after the Fathership by making sure he’s fed, has clean clothes and eats, but by and large thankfully he is self sufficient. Although he needs a good kick up the arse sometimes too!

It was my Mum’s birthday on Sunday. When someone passes without realising it you experience a series of firsts. The first time you enter the house when they are not there, the first time you notice their chair is empty, the first time you realise they are actually gone, the first Christmas, the first birthday and the list goes on. In some ways we are lucky as we’ve experienced all of these things within the first two months. It doesn’t mean the others are going to be any easier, but at least now we know what expect.

I have no doubt that my anxiety levels have lessened a little now I no longer have to worry about my Mum. I’m living a different life and learning what it is like to be me again. I’m hoping that now with the benefit of counselling I might even begin to like who I find, wouldn’t that be a game changer.

I’m never going to be perfect, and neither would I want to be. I just want to be be weird, be silly and be happy!

Last night I scared the shit out of myself, I seriously thought I was possessed. Why I hear you ask, why indeed….I was having positive thoughts!!

Change is coming and I’m opening my arms to embrace it :)

 

The things I now know…

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Image by seaternity

I am an introvert, who knew.

I had suspicions, not because I knew what an introvert was, but because I found a page on Facebook that had all these little memes which could have been tailor made just for me. I was able to identify with lots of the sayings which when put under the cover of a name seemed to make sense. I’m not a weirdo after all, I am an introvert and better still, I am not alone.

I wonder if I had realised sooner that along with the anxiety and worry this was part my ‘affliction’ would I have been a little more settled within myself. Probably not, that is after all why I am having to go to counselling.  That said, I am told there is hope for me and I am not the lost cause that I thought I was.

The first lesson I need to teach myself is that I do not need to apologise for who I am and as a consequence, people who know me need to make allowances for the person I am whilst I am in my transition period from anxiety mania to anxiety. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to believe having anxiety /worry is not a choice. It is not something we can stop just because we are told to. If you had any idea just how debilitating it can sometimes be to deal with the simplest of tasks you would understand. According to my counsellor my mind goes 1, 2, skip a few, 99 a milllion! Those who know me well would attest to that.

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I love the fact that I am defined as an introvert, because I can now be the person I am without believing there is something wrong with me. I do not love the fact that I suffer so badly from worry and anxiety and that is something I am hoping to change with the help of my counselling sessions which have so far proved worthwhile.

My counsellor told me a statement that I have no doubt I will be repeating time and time again over the next few weeks,  “Just because I think it, doesn’t make it true”. That statement is me in a nutshell. She also asked would I ever turn to someone and say “You have no confidence and you’re useless” and I said no of course not and all she said was well then why do you do it to yourself. It was a good point well presented that I had no answer for.

I’m only two weeks in, but already I am challenging myself and the thoughts that lead to the fear and anxiety. It’s going to take time, because as I was told today I have to erase the ‘crap’ that has been placed into my head over the last 40 odd years by both myself and others.

So whilst having anxiety and worry  is not a choice as these traits can be picked up from a very young age and then carried throughout life, deciding to change is. Once you know and are aware of the problem it can be dealt with, perhaps not 100% but a step in any direction is a step in the right direction, right!?

Stats just the way it is!

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I hardly ever read my Stats anymore, I mean come on, when I don’t post as often as I used to what do I expect. It long ceased being about the views etc for me, as I’ve said many times before, it’s now all about the community.

I’ve been absent on and off a lot this year, Here There Be Spiders touched loosely on this in  one of her comments to me saying “I know when I get overwhelmed the blog is one of the first things to suffer – but when I do post, it helps so much!” She is 100% correct in what she says, I am exactly the same way, it’s just one more thing to have to deal with, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

The other night I was wrought with anxiety, so much so it was making me feel sick, what can I say, it’s a been a rocky few weeks in the Eejit household, with more to come. One thing I am learning about Dementia is that it cannot be trusted, it’s a sneaky little fecker. Never, ever think that your day is going ok, because when you do and your guard is down, the little git sucker punches you. Anyway, back to my story. I paced the train platform, finally boarding when it arrived, and sat down for the beginning of my journey home. I flicked up the reader, something I hadn’t done in a while. With every post I read I felt my anxiety lift just a little, because reading about the goings on of everyone else took my mind off my own. I realised then how much I missed it, the blogging, the interaction, everything, it was like someone had give me a hug.

So I know you think I’m getting off course here, seeing as how I started this post about my blogs Statistical endeavors. I, like everyone else received the WordPress e-mail about my progress in 2015. Out of everything, the only thing that stood out to me was the fact that I had only written 88 posts throughout the whole of the year. To me, that’s a clear indication of my dwindling free time.

Here’s how it stacks up:

2013 – Birth year (March 2013) – 201 published posts -granted they were mostly shite, but still, not a bad effort.

2014 – 163 published posts – there may have been some readable ones in there if I was lucky.

2015 – 88 – That’s shocking, although perhaps I can console myself with the fact that it was more about quality than quantity? That’s my excuse anyway.

I’m still not going to make resolutions, seriously, I suck at those, but I know for certain I’m going to try really hard to write more than 88 posts this year. I’m going to be really forward thinking and try for 89, anything after that is a bonus!

I need to try and be a little more organised and perhaps make more use of the drafts and scheduler so that I can hide away little posts for the days when my brain is mush. I need to try and read more, interact more and just be here more. Not because I think you lot can’t live without me, but because I don’t think I can live without you.

As usual I am making no promises, I have long ago given up trying to figure out what this life has in store for me. I just have to keep on keeping on like everyone else.

I’ll keep being me if you promise to keep being you. ‘Stats’ all anyone can ask of us :)

 

Which way now?

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I think I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I am not sure what direction to take.

Every day this week I have plonked myself in front of my computer with the intention of writing something, anything. Instead, I have nothing, not a damn thing. That makes me question why I am here and why I continue to do this. Even now as I sit here trying to put everything down it’s twisting and turning in my head.

I never thought I would last this long to be honest, I rarely stick at anything. If I don’t feel it’s working then I let it go. I set standards for myself that are usually unachievable and berate myself when I fail. What I don’t realise at the time is that I am usually setting myself up to fail.

When I started blogging I wanted to get the word out there, I wanted people to read, while I didn’t want to be famous, I did want some interaction. I have written many posts before detailing how what I thought would happen and what did happen were two different things and I still stand by those sentiments as expressed in this post:

When you sit down, cup of coffee in hand and look back, because someone has challenged you as to the reasons why you blog, you will realise it is because you have become part of a family. You will begin to appreciate the love that surrounds you, the support that is offered to you and help you receive. You will realise that it is these people, along with your family and friends who have provided light in the darkness and a reason to smile when you thought there was none

Giving up is not an option. While I still feel like I do not measure up, I finally feel like I fit somewhere. I’m a very small part, but I am a part none the less.

I think I am changing, perhaps I am even starting to grow up. I still want to be the happy person I used to be, but most days life has a habit of suppressing it, there is too much other shit to deal with and it’s constant. By the time I deal with all the responsibilities I am too tired to deal with anything else.

I feel restricted in some ways, again, no ones fault but my own. In going back to my statement earlier about wanting to get the word out there I told people I knew, from real life when I started blogging and now I wish I hadn’t because in doing so I feel that I can’t be as open or as honest as I would like to be. That’s something I have to figure out a solution for own my own.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who throws posts out just to fill empty spaces or get blog views, I no longer care about stats, but I do care about this community. I wish I could go back to my younger days were words flowed, they just were and I did not have to give thought or consideration to what anyone else might think.

Sometime in the future I might decide that writing and blogging is no longer for me, but today is not that day.

Perhaps it is more about finding a balance than choosing a path.

Where am I?

Sad Eejit

Sadly, this it not going to be one of those posts where you try to guess my location. I’m right where I always am, I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

I’ve found this last month or so a real struggle, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected, from pretty much everything. My anxiety levels have been through the roof, which has a knock on effect of a messed up sleep pattern, it’s a vicious circle. I still function, I do all the things I am supposed to, I keep things ticking over, and everyone fed, I go to work and the rest of the time I just feel tired. In my head the world is going to fall apart at any second and believe me, that’s not a nice feeling.

I miss the person I was. I used to be mildly funny. Perhaps in the correct setting I still could be, right now I just feel lost.

This life swamps me sometimes, the enormity of it all. I don’t think about just one person now, I have to think for two. I had trouble enough looking after myself.

I miss writing here, but I have nothing to say but this. I’m left not knowing what to do, should I wait until I have something funny to say, or should I just write everything and hope that the few people who interact don’t run for the hills. It is after all part and parcel of who I am, no one can be funny all of the time, right?!

I was cleaning out my computer of all the junk it has amassed over the last five years it has been with me. Reading through old posts left me wondering who the person who wrote them was, because it feels a world away from who I am now. If I’m also hurtling towards the menopause then I am well and truly fucked, throwing hormones into this mix is going to be about the the same as throwing a firework on a bonfire, looks out folks she’s gonna blow!

The thing is, I’ll get through it, I always do. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll still function exactly as I did today. I’ll write about it and you’ll tell me stupid jokes and make me smile.

One day if I’m lucky, and you lot are incredibly unlucky I might just write a funny post again. Most likely the next one, because it is amazing how cathartic writing this shit actually is :)

Let me start with the bad jokes, to set you off on the right track:

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? – It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!

And finally, whilst perusing Spotify this week, they were kind enough to give me a little playlist all of my very own based on the songs I listen to. One of the choices was a band called Amber Run with a song called I found which I love, however for the purposes of this post I am going to leave you with their song called Spark, simply because as the song says, I need to let the light in.

Till next time eejits :)

 

Grrrr!

I’m blogging on the train again, go me that’s twice in one month. Is it the same month? I dunno. Who cares.

Today was one of those days where I just had to get up and leave work because I was in fear of my ‘Are you fecking serious’ meter going unto hyperdrive and blowing the top clean off my heed. Thunderous looks and muttered ‘fucks’ were flying in all directions to an audience of myself, mainly because I’ve decided I’m the only one who listens. I can’t even use the PMT card, I’m just angry!

How many things does it take before someone actually breaks, because at this rate I’m going to break myself. I hate anxiety and worry, rotten little shits, always on my case they are.

I’m going home to sit down in a dark room and give myself a good talking to!

Thanks for reading, I feel better now :)

Settle Down

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If you read the tips pages on WordPress, they advise that you should never apologise for an absence, so I won’t, I shall simply start with hello again. That said, those of you who have followed me for a while are well used to my absences.

I didn’t write last week, I didn’t even read much. As far as weeks go, it was the worst one in a long time. There was so much going on and things were continually piling in on top of each other. The Mothership was stressed and seeing things under the table, and I was stressed wondering how I was going to extract a urine sample from her, whilst worrying about the fact she was seeing things under the table. I end up walking around with constant nausea because worry turns my stomach into a washing machine.

Imagine a day where you have a shadow and that shadow is constantly talking at you and getting irritated when you don’t understand. Imagine finishing all the housework and finally sitting down only for the door to open and the shadow to appear asking yet another question which means you have to get up cos you need to be shown what it relates to. To finally get to sleep at 4am to be woken the next morning to start the routine of dressing the shadow. I may turn to alcohol!

Work was just as bad, I’m finding it really stressful. I get up in the morning and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am going in to. I leave work and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am coming home to. I’m not sleeping which of course makes everything seem ten times worse than it actually is.

I broke down in work the other day and told my boss I was not cut out for the job and that I couldn’t do it. I hate to admit failure, but, that’s genuinely how I feel, my job is making me feel stupid, which in turn is giving my already low confidence a good boot in the balls. He was very nice about it, but he more than likely thinks I am a fruit loop. Ah well if the cap fits.

Phew, I feel better after writing all that and now I’ve left myself with nowhere to go. I really don’t want hugs or kind words or commiserations, I just needed to get that off my chest. With a few nights good sleep (hopefully) I’ll be dead on. Tell me a joke instead or something random that will make me smile!

Missed you lot.

(I deliberated about posting this, because I really do not want sympathy, if it’s this hard for me, imagine what it must me like for the Mothership, but I promised myself a while ago I would write the good and the bad and that’s what I need to do. Better out than in as the man says!)

Week 3 of Seven Weeks of Weird!

7weirdAnd so it continues, the Wednesday Weirdness created by none other than Mental Mama herself. If you’re unsure what it’s all about, you can follow this LINK! But be afraid, be very afraid!

I’m actually beginning to think that I am not as weird as I first thought as I am having a tough time answering these questions. That said, I probably am weird, but have convinced myself that my quirks are both normal and endearing.

This weeks question asks:

Weirdest Thing You Do To Relax

Thats a bit of a weird question to ask me really, because I suffer from anxiety and also have a healthy worrying habit to contend with, so I don’t feel like I ever relax. There is always something spinning in my head.

On days when the stress all gets a little too much for me, I find the only way to release the tension is to go on a rampage and leave a trail of destruction in my wake! Doing this in real life would most certainly lead to a spell of imprisonment and shoot my anxiety levels through the roof, so I had to find another avenue through which to vent, and unsurprisingly that was GTA V!

Now I know to a lot of you this will not seem so weird, I am sure a lot of people vent theirs frustrations via gaming, but seriously, it’s the wackiest thing I could come up with.

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How did you know it was me?

Owing to the fact my disguise was so good I figured they would never realise it was me who robbed the convenience store, or stole the cars! Then I realised I was still ginger, WTF, back to the drawing board!

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Wait, are those my knickers?

My second attempt was a little more successful, however I seemed to attract the wrong kind of men.

Starsky and Hutch
Starsky and Hutch eat your heart out!

My third and final attempt was totally successful! No one in their right minds was ever going to recognize me dressed as a girl, high heels and all! After many attempts I was finally able to master the Starsky and Hutch slide without showing my Knickers!! Sometimes though, not even gaming is enough to help you relax. On those days, well there is nothing else for it but to revert to the old fashioned method of sitting on the toilet and having a serious think about where your life is going!!

Indie Loo
Ah balls, that better not be the end of the role!

Till next week Eejits :)