Tag: anxiety

Hysterec-to-me

The Indecisive Eejit4 Comments

I’ve had this title sitting for a while now. At the time I thought it was catchy and a celebration of the fact my operation is done and dusted. I’m no longer celebrating, but feck it, I’ll use the title anyway because I’m too tired to think of a new one.

Yesterday was one of the bad days of post hysterectomy life, where I travelled to work, had 10, 000 hot flushes, raged and then ultimately broke down in tears due to frustration.

Let me make things simple for you, I know it’s early days, but THIS IS FUCKING SHITE!!

Oh at the start I thought I was so smart, people had told me that I’d have hot flushes and night sweats straight away, but nope nothing, for the first two weeks or so I was blissfully hobbling around as cool as a cucumber thinking how lucky I was that I was clearly going to miss all the bad stuff people were talking about. Even my anxiety was manageable, so I thought, hmmm, perhaps I had been right in thinking that Bert and Ernie the effing fibroids had in fact caused it to spike and become worse.

Well no, how wrong was I because on the third week it all happened, everything all at once and I wished I was a fecking cucumber just so I could jump into the fridge and cool off my body whose internal furnace was clearly malfunctioning. Never mind my face, which continually hit a shade of red you will never ever see on any self respecting colour chart. If I had been attached to a solar power grid I could have supplied the whole of the UK!

To be honest it’s a bit of a rude awakening when you don’t know what to expect. Waking in the middle of the night boiling, flinging off the covers, to only be freezing five minutes later and cocooning yourself into the quilt again. Rinse and repeat and there is not a lot of sleep to be had.

It’s like a domino effect, all of those things then kick off the anxiety, my broken body was clearly telling my equally broken brain that every ache and twinge was a symptom of the menopause. In moments of clarity, which are few and far between ffs, I imagine looking at myself saying, dude, chill the fuck out, it’s just a phase. But it wasn’t a phase, it went on and on until one Sunday I got in bed and I just didn’t want to wake up because I didn’t know how to deal with everything that was going on.

I slept, maybe for a solid eight hours or more, the first time in ages and I woke up the next morning and the sun was shining and I was still alive and things didn’t seem so bad. Then I had a hot flush and remembering something I had read I did this weird kinda breathing, I imagine it’s how a cow would sound when it’s trying to birth it’s first calf. It was ugly, but it was effective.

This is the new normal isn’t it, it’s not like I can go back to the hospital and say, hey guys, I think I made a mistake, can you put my bits back in.

In some ways I wish I’d had a little more information or asked more questions to see if there were alternatives to having the hysterectomy, but I’d been so sick I just wanted an end to it all and you put your faith in your medical team in the hope that they are offering the best advice.

There are good days though with only a few hot flushes or sweats and the anxiety remains at more of an acceptable level.

I guess like all new normals it’s just something I need to get used to. Head down, one day at a time!

Wish me and all those around me good luck, we will all need it :)*

*insert laughing emoji – oh wait, I can, doh! 😂

The end of the year…..almost

The Indecisive Eejit7 Comments
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I mean nothing says Christmas like a tiny car with a wee tree on top, right!? It was just too cute not to use : )

So this is an unexpected guest appearance, it’s saying something when even I feel like a guest on my own blog. Way back at the start of the year when I wrote my 2021 in review post, the only goal I set myself was to write 6 posts throughout 2022. I didn’t manage it, this one, brings me to a grand total of 5, that said, it’s better than none, so I am going to celebrate that small victory.

It was a busy year, lots of training new folk in work, very few days off and the fact that the days melted into weeks and then into months and now it’s Christmas already and we’re rushing towards New Year like a wee tree on top of a tiny car.

Next year is going to bring more challenges, I finally have a date for my second surgery, which is good news I guess, but I worry what comes next, forced menopause and the possibility of anxiety spikes is not something I am really looking forward to, but I just have to take each day as it comes.

I’d like to say I will have more time to write, actually I can say with certainty that I will have more time to write, certainly following surgery, but whether I do it or not is another thing, I’m not going to make any promises or set any goals this year, which means that every post that magically appears is a bonus.

I suppose in some ways, this is a mini 2022 in review post, there really wasn’t much to say after all, it was pretty much all work and no play.

There were however definite highlights to the year, I made some new friends, and perhaps even a special one. I reconnected with some old ones and I’m still here to annoy the living daylights out of you lot…..you are welcome!

I miss you my blog family and I wish you all a very merry holiday season and my sincerest best wishes for 2023 should I not see you before.

The Eejit : ) x

What the f*** is going on?

The Indecisive Eejit19 Comments
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Sometimes I shy away from writing things. I’ll think about it for a few days, maybe even go as far as getting a notebook out to jot down a couple of sentences, but usually that’s where it stops. So instead of letting it out, I bottle it up.

I’ve said here countless times, that my writing should be for me and no one else. It’s supposed to be a tool to release all that pent up whatever the feck it is that is pent up inside me. Yet still I don’t do it, I tell myself I’ll do it the next day or the day after that but that day never comes and I find something else to fill the time when I should have been writing.

I think I have a fairly large bottle. I can absorb quite a lot before it becomes full. There’s my stuff and I’ve quite a bit going on. There’s other peoples stuff, because they like to think I am a fixer, that I can bring things back together no matter what it is. There’s the clown, because I have to wear a mask and make other people happy, even though I am struggling myself. Then there is the sponge, that magic place inside me that soaks up all of peoples problems, because it’s easier for them to offload than to actually deal with it. Oh look, here comes the fixer!

Do I and my many facets mind this? Normally, no. I like to feel useful, I like to be helpful and sometimes it’s also nice to be needed. But when all of those things collide and everyone needs everything all at once, well then my bottle starts to fill up pretty quick and I start to feel like I am drowning.

I can feel the quick fill starting. This newest anxiety spike will not give me peace. Between work and fighting an infection last week I am so tired. My brain pieces together all the little things people tell me I do wrong and convinces me I am the worst person in the world. Comments made, perhaps just in passing make me doubt myself and the things I do.

My magic sponge absorbs it all and I say nothing.

But here’s the thing. There are small changes inside me, little glimmers of hope that a few of my brain cells are showing signs of resistance. Perhaps that is what happens when ones bottle becomes full, you move from quiet acceptance to wanting to jump up and down while screaming ‘well if you don’t like it f*** off’ and believe me, there have been a few times this week I have wanted to scream just that. I didn’t mind you….well not yet anyway. As someone great once said, sadly, I don’t know who, ‘all great things start with small changes’ and that is very true.

Something else that is true is that I should write more when I need to, because it really is a good release. Better out that in, and now it’s out, I feel better already!

2021 in Review

The Indecisive Eejit14 Comments
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I wanted to write a review of 2021 and tell you all the exciting things I had done, this was as far as I got……

…it. was. shite.

I mean if I left it there, this could be one of the shortest posts I have ever written, and believe me, in 2021, that is a thing there was a lack of, posts. I wrote a grand total of 5 posts, granted, that was one more than the year before and I could argue that I went for quality over quantity, but I think that is more of a case of me trying to convince myself than you.

So what did I do in 2021 then, because clearly I was not busy updating my blog. I got sick, that was a thing. At the start of the year my gall bladder problems got worse. Middle of the year I ended up in hospital because the gallstones hated me so much they gave me pancreatitis. I spent 5 months recovering, going to scans and appointments and worrying, I did a lot of worrying, sometimes I shared it with others, but most of the main ones I carried myself. Being sick is very lonely, it’s not something that anyone can really help you with and you just have to go with the flow and let time sort things out, which is something that someone with anxiety finds very difficult, because the weight of it never goes away until the problem does.

At the end of October I was able to go back to work, I was nervous because I had been away for so long and also as I did not know how going back would affect my illness. I lasted a week and a half until following another gallbladder attack I was again hospitalised with pancreatitis, this time my gallbladder was removed.

Thankfully in the middle of all this my large mass that I had mentioned in a previous produced a clear biopsy, however it is effecting my bladder and bowel so I am now on an urgent list for a second surgery to have to it removed. It never rains but it pours it would seem, but at least things are moving forward.

I didn’t write about any of this between July and now because there were too many unknowns, too many results still to come. I didn’t want to write about it and say all is well and then a result comes in and knocks the wind from my sails. Yesterday I saw my surgeon regarding the gallbladder side of things. Stomach biopsies have returned as normal and the pancreatitis, while it will not go away, should settle now the gallbladder is out as long as I am careful. The gallbladder removal itself will not cure the pancreatitis attacks, but it should hopefully lessen the amount of them. He has signed me off.

So 2022 starts a new chapter in my life where I learn to adjust my diet to having no gallbladder, where I run to the loo when I eat something I shouldn’t and where I also try not to eat too many sweets and put back on all the weight I lost when I was sick. I dread the next op, but I know it is something that has to happen, so as above, I am trying to go with the flow.

2021 was the year when COVID still didn’t go away. We lost some family friends and by and large kept to ourselves. The Fathership was diagnosed with Emphysema but with his new inhaler he’s doing ok.

In each of my hospital visits I met the most lovely ladies who touched my heart. In May it was someone who reminded me of my Mum and in November, it was perhaps one of the bravest ladies I have ever met as she gracefully battled cancer. Sadly neither of them are with us any more, but I hope the Mothership was there to greet them when they were called home. I can guarantee she probably said to them, isn’t that daughter of mine a right pain in the arse!

So here’s the thing, 2021 was honestly, a bag of shite, but there were still good bits in it. There always are good bits among the bad. I might have lost friends throughout the year, but I also made new ones. Some I thought had gone, returned, I guess that’s the circle of life.

I am proud of myself. I have mental health issues, and despite what I faced last year I walked out the other side of 2021.

I have no plans for 2022, what would be the point. Last year showed me that we have no idea what is around the corner, so perhaps it’s just better to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time.

Ok, maybe one plan for 2022….to perhaps write 6 posts???

Happy New Year to you all.

WTF is it with…..

The Indecisive Eejit15 Comments
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…junk comments these days. It’s like they multiply. No matter how many times I empty the junk folder, it is always full when I return. Perhaps I should return more often, so this is kind of my own fault isn’t it. Anyway, moving on, that is not actually why I stopped by, it was just something that irritated me on my journey and I thought I would share it, because I am nice like that :)

How have you all been? The strange goings on in the world continue, the return to normality that some have been dreaming of is not yet here, albeit there is perhaps a glimmer of light in the horizon. Me personally, well I’m still hoping for a blended mix of the old and the new, fingers crossed.

So I was in hospital, that was a thing that happened, oh way back in May now. The dreaded gallstones decided to play dirty and introduce themselves to my pancreas. Clearly they didn’t get the memo about social distancing and decided this was a space they would like to muscle in on, thoughtless little shits. So I’m also sure you know that being in hospital comes with all the tests, bloods, scans, not just one variety, noooo I had them all, CT, MRCP and Ultrasound. Then after the scans come all the things that you didn’t even know you had, like a large mass, stranding / weird things around the gallbladder, a hiatus hernia. I mean ffs, I though the gallstones was enough to be getting on with, but apparently not.

The current situation is that I am waiting on the results of tests. I’m finding that consultants don’t really talk to you, they talk around you and mention things like tumours and anomalies, but don’t really tell you why or if this is something that you need to actually worry about, bearing in mind I have anxiety and worry about E V E R Y T H I N G. Thankfully for me, in the last visit the mention of tumour was preceded with I don’t think it’s a…. so I hope they are right. Anyone going through this, my heart goes out to you, it is a very unsettling time. There is something going on in my body though and I hope they find out what it is soon so I can at least have an explanation for the daily pain.

Being off work has been challenging for me. I am so used to working that for the first few weeks I felt an incredible guilt that I was letting people down even though I knew myself that I was not well, very little tired me out, and it took a while to build up my eating routine again. Thankfully this last week I have not been tiring as quickly, I can tidy a little bit more before I have to sit down, but I’m not yet at the stage where I can return to any kind of normality. It’s incredibly frustrating. That said, I am thankful that I am still here typing, another lady who came into the hospital at the same time as me with the same thing didn’t make it out again.

Being in hospital was a real eye opener. We hear all these stories of the fabulous NHS and the work they have done throughout this pandemic, but honestly, from the outside, we have no idea. Those nurses are incredibly busy, they never stop, I know for sure I could not do what they do, never mind anything else, I would not have the patience, especially for those people who treat it like a hotel stay. I’m incredibly grateful for the care I received during my stay.

So I guess in the grand scheme of life, this is the next hurdle to face. Most days I am ok, and sometimes I cry, but I think that’s to be expected, I mean apart from anything else I’m probably being smacked in the face by the menopause too, so the fecking hormones are almost as problematic as the gallstones.

Anyway, what’s new with all of you, tell me a good story, actually just tell me a story, we have to take the rough with the smooth!

Throwing Stones

The Indecisive Eejit12 Comments

What are the official timings of Summer, isn’t it weird that I don’t know that, I probably should. Be right back, I’m going to Google it……

…Hi, so apparently Summer ends on the 23rd September, so I’m kind of glad I checked because I was going to make an arse of myself by saying that it ended next week!

So, lets start again. Summers going to end soon, but it already feels like it’s over as I watch the brand new batch of children prepare for the first days of the new school year. It’s been a bit of a mixed bag weather ways but at the minute there seems to be more sunshine than rain, so that’s a good thing right?

I’ve not been too far travelled this summer, mainly because I have been sick on and off. I finally, have hopefully got to the bottom of my 5 hour bouts of pain, that have been ongoing for the last year, I have gallstones….little feckers.

Most days now I am nauseous and sore but I’m still standing so that’s good and any anxiety I had about my impeding appointment with a surgeon, when it arrives has now passed as while in the midst of a bout of excruciating pain I often contemplate opening myself up to whip it out.

Who’d have thought that such a small collection of tiny things could cause such pain, and they do, oh boy they really do. It’s time to go my lovilies, it really is, because I cannot put up with you or the fear of the pain that your partying in my insides causes for much longer.

So I’ve been miserable, even more so than normal. Along with that there’s a higher than normal spike in anxiety and mild depression brought on by an over thinking brain that cannot seem to release the past, can I blame that on the gallstones too?? Probably not eh.

Work has been pretty non stop too, but thats been good because it takes my mind of the sickness except for the day I was hanging over my desk throwing up into my bin and crying with pain, that was good fun…….not!!

But it’s all good, it can’t last forever, hopefully it will all be sorted at some stage, until then I’ll just have to keep calm and carry on regardless.

Still there are positives in life, there always are and I’m actively trying to look for them. Right now it’s the sunlight on the showers and the smell of dinner cooking, the fact it’s the end of the hump day which brings us one step closer to the weekend, even if it is going to be a busy one.

Hope all is well with you eejits, what’s been happening?

Forgotten Details

The Indecisive Eejit6 Comments

There are many things that happen in our lifetime, some good and some bad. For me personally, I seem to be able to remember the momentous occasions, usually, because of the way my brain works, the bad ones. But there are also milestones too, not necessarily amazingly good things, but times that meant something or dates that had significance.

It seems though that as I get older the small but still important things become more faded, I find myself relating dates to before my leg injury and after, because that is a date I never seem to forget.

I recently found an old journal, it was not detailed descriptions, but more snapshots of where I was at that particular time. It jogged my memory and brought back a few names and locations that have long been forgotten. It was fun to read, but also difficult because it made me realise that my anxiety issues have been with me for longer than I thought.

Blogging for me was never about sharing all the details of my life, I tended to write when there was a lot going on in my head and I needed to clear some space. This means that I didn’t always note the smaller less important things and now I am beginning to wish I had.

It made me think about whether this is something I need to change in order to help me remember. Is my old lady brain going to progress from more than asking myself what I went into a specific room for, because that in itself is extremely frustrating sometimes believe me.

There has to be a benefit of noting down important things, like when and how I met friends and also sometimes how I lost them. Important places I visited and the memories that became associated with them. Losses and gains, they are all important in their own way to form the foundations of a life lived and also perhaps to remind my brain on its bad days that there were gains, not just losses.

I haven’t come to any firm decisions yet, but it’s something I might quite like to try.

Hey brain, here’s to making memories and actually remembering them.

What about you, do you journal to remember ?

Mind Your Mental Health

The Indecisive Eejit8 Comments

re

I seem to have been talking a lot about mental health lately. Believe it or not, this makes me very happy. What once could have been seen as a taboo subject is now becoming something that people openly share, and I like the fact that it is something my friends and work family decide to share with me.

I am not alone, and neither are you.

I used to feel like I was alone. I used to feel I was different from other people. My inability to process my thoughts and feelings left me confused and sometimes scared. I couldn’t understand why small bumps in life often felt like mountains and worries could not be quietened with rational thoughts.

I am not permanently damaged. I am flawed.

There is nothing wrong with me, I am just a little bit different. My outlook on life is often more black than white, but I know the light in the darkness exists, and I never lose sight of that. I am accepting of the fact that anxiety and worry will always be a part of who I am. The little quirks I have, like counting as I cut vegetables, checking and rechecking doors are locked and needing space and room to breathe in company will always exist. I am tired of trying to explain myself to others, I shouldn’t have to. If someone loves me, they need to love the good as well as the bad.

I am not them. I am me. I can never be anything but me.

I know that counselling may not be right for everyone, but it was for me. It made me acknowledge that there were things I needed to work on. It also taught me that I need to talk to myself the way I do to others, with love and respect.

I cannot love myself yet, I just cannot, no matter how hard I try, but I am now open to the possibility that maybe one day I could.

These days I talk more freely. I share my experiences with those who ask. I listen to the words and wisdom of others and when needed I offer my thoughts.

I am not alone. I never was. I just did not reach out to find the others like me.

Feeling Strange

The Indecisive Eejit15 Comments

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

Reflection

The Indecisive Eejit8 Comments

Maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe it’s just me.

For some reason in December I find myself taking stock of what has been the whirlwind that was 2018. I’ve not been here much, which means I have not documented important things I wish I had. In time I will come to regret that, especially now that some of the finer details are fading from my memory.

There was a lot this year. An awful lot. Periods of happiness, sadness, dreams that disappeared and self reflection. Essentially I am the same, but at the same time I am not. I’ve changed, I am changing. The hardest thing is getting others to accept me for the flawed person that I am, or perhaps it is me learning to accept the flawed person that I am. There is nothing wrong with being flawed, it is what makes me unique. There is nothing wrong with being me, I just didn’t realise it until now, that I did not need anyone else’s approval.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve forgotten how much I need it. Still though I find myself restricted, I need to get over that, it is my choice to write and others choice as to whether they read.

I am a work in progress. My counsellor scolds me when I tell her that I do not think I can be fixed. I know everyone has issues with themselves, but no matter how hard I try I cannot even like, nevermind love myself. I still have sessions left and I hope against all hope that my hard hitting counsellor has the key to unlock the secret.

I changed physically this year too, a change that is now becoming noticable to others. Sometimes I can see it, but oftentimes not, so I still hide in clothes a size too big for my now slightly smaller frame. This is a change I would also like to build upon if I can.

Christmas is coming, the most wonderful time of the year, but my heart is lonely because I miss where I was 8 months ago, I miss what I had 8 months ago.

Where will I be in 8 months time…….we shall just have to wait and see.