From darkness to light.

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When I write I never think, hey, someone might relate to this post and be glad they read it. Instead, I think, here’s another post that people can think to themselves ‘oh here she goes again’.

When I write, I never think that someone else might be experiencing the same feelings and take comfort from realising they are not alone. Instead, I think people will want to give me a good boot up the backside.

When I write, I never think this is actually good for me.

But. It. Is.

That’s my problem you see, I don’t write, because I worry what other people will think. I need to stop that, because this blog belongs to me and no one else.

Instead of worrying about what people are going to think of me when they read what is actually going on in my head, I should ask myself do they care enough to know everything about me and love the person I actually am, not the person they think I am.

I am many different things to many different people. Some good, some bad.

To myself I am a failure. Gotta love mental health.

I talk about things now, whereas I wouldn’t have prior to counselling. Talking is therapeutic. My talk though, is through my fingertips, because it’s still hard to do the face to face sometimes without becoming emotional.

I’m not a in a good place right now, but the key to knowing how to get back on the road to recovery is recognising there is a problem in the first place. Perhaps it’s first anniversaries, or simply the time of the year. It might even be the lack of sunlight or maybe a lack of sleep, but there is something that is a little off kilter.

The good thing about the darkness though is that there is always light to balance it and that is something to reach for a look forward to, all I have to do is flick the switch.

And. I. will.

 

 

 

One Year Later…

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Last weekend we passed the first anniversary of the Motherships final flight. It’s hard to believe that a year has passed already. A lot has changed , but in some ways nothing has changed, because despite how it feels at the time, life does carry on.

I was going to write about it, and then I didn’t. I started a post, but the words just wouldn’t come. I knew what I wanted to say, but I was having a hard time making my thoughts legible and then a few days passed and the momentum was lost.

I’m not sure if the first anniversary of someone’s death should be a thing. To me it didn’t feel any different, because I miss her everyday. Lately though, she has been on my mind a lot.

No one tells you how you should grieve, but then again, why would they, it’s a unique and personal experience. Even now I find it hard to write about, not from the point of view that I find it difficult to talk about, but because I still don’t think I understand everything that happened.

The experience of caring for someone with dementia was so intense that when it stopped it was a shock. I used to liken my life to going home every night and being placed into a pressure cooker. It was almost like life outside didn’t exist because everything was so focused and intense. But when it stopped I felt useless, like I had no purpose any more. I had become so used to the routines and pressure I needed time to adjust.

People often say when a loved one passes that they wish they could see them again, just for one last time. Personally, I wouldn’t want that, not if she was going to be the way that she was. I do wish however that she could let me know that she is ok, hopefully at peace.

Time is a great healer and with it all the bad memories slowly become replaced. The words and memories of others become intertwined with my own and bring things long forgotten back to life, reminding me of the person my Mum was before the dementia.

I’ve healing of my own to do, those four years left me with my own scars, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

I wasn’t going to write about it, but I am glad that I did.

I always want to be able to remember.

 

Understanding

It’s been a minute since I’ve been here. I’d like to tell you it’s because I’ve been doing ok, but the reality is I’ve been doing the same, I just haven’t had much time to write.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, thinking about doing things that I never quite seem to get done.

I’ve been thinking about my Mum and how this time last year we were approaching the end of a long road, only we didn’t know it then.

I’ve been thinking of all the things I did, and all the things I feel I could have done better, beating myself up and crying myself to sleep over the what ifs. But the reality is it’s over. It’s too late to go back and stupid to dwell on hindsight. But still I do it.

I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I have mental health issues. It’s actually quite freeing to be able to say that. There’s nothing wrong with being me, because, well I am me, flawed but fully functional. There is a lot to be thankful for.

I have a lot of work to do, which involves challenging my thinking and how I deal with situations. I need to make peace with myself regarding my Mum and realise that then, at that time, I did the best I could, and that’s all anyone can ask.

I’ll write about things here, but I don’t want pity or sympathy, I just want somewhere safe to go so I can note things down in order to try and make sense of them. I love the term getting my metaphorical ducks in a row, so I’ll use it.

I’m ok. I’ll always be ok, because I know that despite how dark it gets sometimes, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and a million reasons to get up in the morning.

Once we realise there is a problem, we can begin to fix it.

Uh oh, Ophelia!

It’s really creepy and eerie here today, almost as if a storm is coming….oh wait, one is.

I’m not sure if, in my lifetime, I’ve ever experienced something like this before. Schools are shut, there are warnings in place for public transport, and as a result I’m on my way home, to ensure that I actually can make it home.

You’d think that I’d be delighted at the prospect of an impromptu day off, but actually I’m not. I remarked earlier that I don’t really want to be sitting at home listening to my old (but lovely) house creaking in the wind, or wondering if my next door neighbours trees are going to fall on it. There’s also the fact that if Ophelia doesn’t live up to the hype, then I’ve a mountain of work I could be getting on with….I know right, what a nerd!

Walking round the streets this morning was like walking through a ghost town. Everything was so quiet and there were hardly any people to be seen. It wasn’t much better on the way back only the wind had started to pick up by that stage and I was met by a few leaf spectres as they rose up and danced in front of me.

It makes me feel uneasy, because I have no idea what is coming. Last time I felt like that was when there were parade related troubles here. Then the streets were eerily quiet only I was stepping around burnt out cars and buses, something I don’t see on a normal day.

Other places deals with these kinds of winds on a regular basis, here, well it’s not something we’re used to. Along the coastal areas we do experience high winds, but not any that get this much TV coverage, let alone named.

Perhaps reading the constant updates is not something that I and my anxiety riddled brain should actually be doing. Well, not when there are duvets to hide under anyway.

When I woke up this morning it was so calm and peaceful, apart from the rain. I almost wondered if they had got things mixed up and the storm was headed for an alternate universe instead.

Now though, the skies are ominously grey, the winds have picked up and the calm waters of this morning have become angry. White horses race for the shore, but not with the grace and elegance as seen in the Guinness adverts.

Later that same day…..

I made it home safe and sound and for the most part the day looked as if it was going to be like any other, at one point there was even sunshine. That said I wouldn’t have been venturing into the garden to hang my washing out, the size of my bloomers I’d have been in Scotland in the blink of an eye.

The Fathership, crafty oul shite that he is decided that same as I had an unexpected afternoon off, I should spend it clearing out his letter drawer, the same one in fact, that I swore I would never do again after the last time due to the fact that he never puts anything away at the actual time. Ah well, it’s done now I suppose.

Now the wind is picking up again and we’re to expect severe gusts through the night, but all in all up until this point it has not been too bad for us. Phone signal, TV signal and internet aside, sometimes living in a dip has it’s advantages. Southern Ireland fared the worst, sadly with the loss of three lives.

Through it all though Irish humour won the internet, with many commenting on the fact that schools, offices and businesses were closed, but all the pubs were open. It calmed my anxiety to read all the tweets that had been give the #Ophelia.

Hopefully the worst is over, so I’m away to hide under the duvet after all, but only because it’s bed time.

Stay safe out there eejits, where ever you may be : )

At the end of the day…

Sometimes there are days, work days, difficult days where everything seems to come from all directions and it’s a struggle to keep up.

But there is always an end to those days and an evening that leads into a tomorrow, a new day.

There’s music on the journey home that helps to calm frazzled nerves and clouds that hang in the sky, beautiful shades of pink and blue.

There’s rain on the horizon that threatens to introduce itself to those trying to rush home before this greeting can occur.

There’s a stillness in the air, almost like everyone and everything is waiting for something to happen. The lights of the day fading into the darkness of the night.

And still the music plays on as the journey continues.

Tomorrow’s a new day for everyone. A brand new moon and a brand new sun says Caroline Pennell and she’s right.

Today was difficult, but tomorrow may not be.

Ohhh October!

Me and my updates huh, don’t you just love them. Probably not, but hey, right now it’s all I have to give.

I have finally been able to cross a task off my list. After working all weekend one of my things to do is finally done and it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. There’s still plenty on the list mind you, but that was the one I was worrying about the most.

Winter is coming, and not in a Game of Thrones kind of way. The past weekend saw the change to heavier quilts, noticeably shorter nights and those damp and dreary grey mornings which can sometimes signal frost. Thankfully though there is none just yet.

This year has flown in, and with everything that went on last year it feels like most of it was a blur for me. I think I’ve got a touch of the sads, maybe because it’s approaching Mum’s anniversary and I’ve been thinking about her a lot lately or maybe it’s just in general because there has been so much going on. Either way I need to give myself a good boot up the backside, there is plenty to be done.

Next on the agenda is house clearing. There is still loads of stuff that needs to go to the charity shop, cupboards that need emptied and sorted and two or three trips to the dump with what has already been earmarked for disposal. All of that is going to have to wait a couple of weeks though because work is going to be pretty full on due to my colleague going on holiday. It’s going to be weird not having her around, I’ve got used to someone being in the office with me.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around reading much this weather, the train WiFi has been a bit sketchy and the only time I usually get to read is on my journey to work in the morning because weekends have been tied up with work, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks things will start to ease freeing up some time.

Well, you’ll be glad to hear that’s about it. No glitz and glamour in my life I’m afraid, but enough to keep me busy and out of mischief!

What’s new with you eejits?

It’s all gone to……….

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I feel like I’m going slowly crazy. What an opening line that is huh, some would say I am already half way there.

You’re wondering why I feel this way aren’t you, well I mean you better be, because you’re going to find out whether you want to or not. I’m nice like that, I like to share.

Work has been crazy…..it’s like someone has been plying it with red bull, so each morning it smacks you in the face. Full on assault, every feckin day! I never seem to go home anymore thinking that’s great, I got so much done. These days it’s like WTF just happened, I am sooooooo glad this day is over.

All I seem to do is work. Work during the week and work at weekends, and to top it all off, I constantly need to work at trying to stay sane.

Even GTA has been driving me nuts ffs. I was in the other night, minding my own business doing missions and this guy decides to try and mow me down. Dude, we’re supposed to be a team, on the same side, good versus bad remember. Only his rogue little ass is trying to run all over mine and the other guys, who is actually still trying to complete the mission while all this is going on. So I grab a helicopter and I’m flying around trying to save the other non physco civilian in the room who has our captive in tow, devil dude is driving around like a maniac and I land the chopper and make mince meat of everyone. I don’t often face palm, but on this occasion I left bruises!!

I don’t have a dog, but if I did even it would have been disgusted.

I switched over to Trials Fusion after that. I used to think it was so sweet how it made little video clips for me, until I realised they were entitled ‘That’s just Wrong’ and they actually detailed my epic disasters. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Maybe I need a new pass time :)

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Thank Feck it’s Friday!

Yet another Friday dawns. The end of the working week and the start of the weekend, which sadly will most likely see me working too.

It’s been a mixed week this week, full of ups and downs, highs and lows and there’s still one full day to go, seeing as it’s only Friday morning.

My headaches have been back because I’m stressing myself out about how much I need to get done versus having very little free time to do it, and work has been hectic too, which hasn’t helped.

I haven’t written much of anything, mainly because I haven’t had the time, or after a busy working day I haven’t been able to shake my brain cells into positive action. When you don’t have that many you have to be protective of them!

I did however meet friends for dinner which is always good fun. Especially when one them was confused over a sweet side served with the duck owing to the fact she got her pancettas and panna cottas mixed up. In the end she opted for another dish. What an eejit!

~

It’s now 9 hours later and Friday is finally over, thank feck. I can honestly say I feel like I’ve been put through a wringer. I don’t quite know whether I’m blown up or stuffed! The legacy of freaky Fridays continue. It seems to be the day the weird, wonderful and wacky send queries my way. I can’t quite contain my happiness at the thought of having to do it all again on Monday!

There is still the shopping to do, oh joy, and the dinner to make, yipeee, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.

The sun is shining though, so that’s a plus, and we’re having pizza for tea which ticks another box, my favourite one, the I don’t have to put in too much effort option, so that’s all good too.

Now if I could just get the fairies to do my housework, we might be on to a winner with this weekend!

What’s your plans Eejits?

Scary September!

Someone needs to tell those feckers with their fireworks that it’s only September, ffs, I almost shat me pants twice on the walk up from work tonight. I thought a bloody bomb had gone off. It almost did in my undercrackers.

In all honestly I didn’t realise it was going to be so dark, the nights are drawing in very quickly considering it’s only the start of September.

The schools and colleges are back, oh joy! You should see my wee face, happiness clean hangs out of it in the morning as I tackle my way through the hoards of screaming young un’s, whose volume levels seem to be set at ‘unacceptably loud’. Now before any of you go all rogue on me, I don’t dislike kids, I just can’t be doing with them screaming in my face before I’ve even had my morning coffee.

Geez I’m getting old, almost 30 years ago that would have been me annoying the life out of people on the train. It seems like a lifetime ago. It is a fecking lifetime ago.

Did you know there’s Christmas cards in some of the shops already. What’s the deal with that. I have a stationary fetish ffs, so when I turn up my favourite isle and see it’s full of cards and not pens and notebooks like it should be, it sets me all a dither. Don’t judge, a girl’s gotta get her perks where she can.

Well I’m almost at my stop, it’s been a blast. I think I’m going to stop on the way home and get myself a wee spring roll or three. If that doesn’t put a smile on my face nothing will! :)

Later Eejits ❤

Doom & Gloom…

This post from Gerard made me laugh! He’s proving with humour that it’s not all Doom & Gloom. Well worth a read, but remember to like his post, not mine!

Wee Notions

Ack its not so bad, dare i say it?…Aye…there are lighter moments during such indescribable torment, believe it or not. It’s not all just doom and gloom, as much as i do enjoy abit of doom and gloom.
I got a letter a few weeks ago from the hospital asking if I wanted my samples destroyed or to be kept for another 5 years. I had to think for a while about it.
(Quick recap)…

So part of the deal with losing your reproductive organs…is that you gota deposit some of your stuff before its too late and they are all gone forever. And then in the future, you have some in storage for maybe if you want kids. So far so good, yes? Yes. So I head over to the fertility clinic, check in, have a seat in the waiting room and get stuck into reading about Angelina Jolie…

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