Reflection

Maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe it’s just me.

For some reason in December I find myself taking stock of what has been the whirlwind that was 2018. I’ve not been here much, which means I have not documented important things I wish I had. In time I will come to regret that, especially now that some of the finer details are fading from my memory.

There was a lot this year. An awful lot. Periods of happiness, sadness, dreams that disappeared and self reflection. Essentially I am the same, but at the same time I am not. I’ve changed, I am changing. The hardest thing is getting others to accept me for the flawed person that I am, or perhaps it is me learning to accept the flawed person that I am. There is nothing wrong with being flawed, it is what makes me unique. There is nothing wrong with being me, I just didn’t realise it until now, that I did not need anyone else’s approval.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve forgotten how much I need it. Still though I find myself restricted, I need to get over that, it is my choice to write and others choice as to whether they read.

I am a work in progress. My counsellor scolds me when I tell her that I do not think I can be fixed. I know everyone has issues with themselves, but no matter how hard I try I cannot even like, nevermind love myself. I still have sessions left and I hope against all hope that my hard hitting counsellor has the key to unlock the secret.

I changed physically this year too, a change that is now becoming noticable to others. Sometimes I can see it, but oftentimes not, so I still hide in clothes a size too big for my now slightly smaller frame. This is a change I would also like to build upon if I can.

Christmas is coming, the most wonderful time of the year, but my heart is lonely because I miss where I was 8 months ago, I miss what I had 8 months ago.

Where will I be in 8 months time…….we shall just have to wait and see.

8 thoughts on “Reflection

  1. How good to see you again Jules. I do wonder from time to time what has become of you. You are right in saying a lot has happened this year, its part of the aging process I find to reflect and realise what has gone on in our lives. You have had some struggles and continue to do so but that you are aware of what is happening to you in a great leap forward. I would think being able to reflect as you do is a point from which you can build on yourself. Our vision of ourselves is so often not what others see and sometimes listening to the people who know you best isn’t such a bad idea, they might be right, they might help build your self-esteem, after all, it is Christmas soon and we need to have people around us at that time.
    I hope you are able to continue in your positive manner, I keep telling myself things can only get better even if it moves at a snail’s pace. Take care.

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