From darkness to light.

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When I write I never think, hey, someone might relate to this post and be glad they read it. Instead, I think, here’s another post that people can think to themselves ‘oh here she goes again’.

When I write, I never think that someone else might be experiencing the same feelings and take comfort from realising they are not alone. Instead, I think people will want to give me a good boot up the backside.

When I write, I never think this is actually good for me.

But. It. Is.

That’s my problem you see, I don’t write, because I worry what other people will think. I need to stop that, because this blog belongs to me and no one else.

Instead of worrying about what people are going to think of me when they read what is actually going on in my head, I should ask myself do they care enough to know everything about me and love the person I actually am, not the person they think I am.

I am many different things to many different people. Some good, some bad.

To myself I am a failure. Gotta love mental health.

I talk about things now, whereas I wouldn’t have prior to counselling. Talking is therapeutic. My talk though, is through my fingertips, because it’s still hard to do the face to face sometimes without becoming emotional.

I’m not a in a good place right now, but the key to knowing how to get back on the road to recovery is recognising there is a problem in the first place. Perhaps it’s first anniversaries, or simply the time of the year. It might even be the lack of sunlight or maybe a lack of sleep, but there is something that is a little off kilter.

The good thing about the darkness though is that there is always light to balance it and that is something to reach for and look forward to, all I have to do is flick the switch.

And. I. will.

19 thoughts on “From darkness to light.

  1. The best indication of how your blog impacts on others is to see what responses you get. If there are none then you aren’t reaching very many but if you receive a goodly amount then you are having an impact on others even if sometimes it may seen like a sympathy vote. I think though responses show people care about you and that has to be comforting in some way. Even from a long way away people care for each other. Hang in there and keep turning on that light..

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    • I know, and here I’ve been very lucky, because it’s been an incredibly supportive network.
      I think I’m changing and adjusting to that change and wondering if here will adjust with me or is it time to move on.
      Time will tell I guess.
      Thanks for always being here, and I hope you know I am for you too if you ever need me.
      I might not be about much, but I’m always around :)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. (((((((((((((((Eejit))))))))))))
    Learning to share is a process – it can be difficult, especially if you feel like you’re on a really wild up down, looping, oh hell get me off this ride roller-coaster of emotions. There is a voice in the mind, actually several, saying “suck it up, stop whining, rally around” blah blah blah …. but as you’ve used in your post, the idea – nay, the truth is, you need to allow for the “darkness” – the craziness, the weeping, the sorrow, as well as the small joys, the silliness, etc. to just be – because they are a part of you. And anyone who is all Hallmark all of the time is full of crap. And there’s nothing wrong with just letting yourself feel the wealth of emotions, and if you choose to write about it? why not? The point is, you’re never just “one aspect” – no one is – and this whole ride isn’t supposed to be about “showing off” only our “A side hits and wonders” –
    And anyone who doesn’t love the entirety of you – is missing out on something completely special. (((((hugs)))))))
    So you know, you should stop worrying about “dressing up” the pretty picture – you’re just more than gorgeous as you are. And experiencing all these feelings, and certainly all these memories etc. isn’t a bad thing. It’s a moment, a period of time, with all kinds of stuff jammed into it – no use in denying it – ANY of it – because that’s not going to help you feel anything other than alone, lonely and frustrated. And that’s not going to help you find the smiles through the tears my friend.
    Take care and more HUGS!
    Love ya Girl!

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    • Good to hear from you, I hope you’ve been well.
      Yes it’s been weird, it’s almost a little like I am having a delayed reaction to everything that went on before. Couple that with the dark days and it’s a recipe for disaster.
      Good thing is I know when I’m like this and if I can get over myself I will keep writing about it.
      Thank you as always for your kind words, which are always spot on. Ever thought of being a counsellor?? :)

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      • LOL@the counsellor comment/idea.
        I totally, totally get that all of the bloody time! In fact, most people think I already AM one. But eh, no – too much to handle …. I’m just a very old soul … been around this earth walk/block too many times …. lots of traffic under my belt (hmm… I could wander into a weird analogy, but that would be off-colour 😉 ) …..
        And you’re right – anniversaries and milestones are hard – and given the changing nature of this season, and ohhhhh the feckin’ darker hours …. it’s hard ….. but always carry some penguin love in your heart, to keep you smiling ….. and you will get through this. And just remember, there is no time frame for any of this …. it’s only been a year or so, and usually the first year is the hardest – so now, you can slowly begin to let yourself feel without as much as the heaviness of it. It’ll just take time …. and it’s all okay …. use whatever outlets you need to – write, scribble, holler, cry, rant, remember, laugh, – it’s all more than okay – you only need YOUR permission, and there are so many of us out here, who will always love ya, even through, especially through, the “darker” hours – because life isn’t always sunshine and sweet smelling roses, but good people are willing to stick through the mucking out process.
        ((((((((((((Eejit)))))))))))))))
        and I’m hanging in – playing jacks with the weather and the injuries …. it’s been perpetual twilight for I don’t know how long now …. sheesh …. it’s like being in a state of suspended animation! LOL

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  3. always here for you us irish gotta stick together! right? ❤ you should keep writing its therapeutic, I think so anyway, I love my blog and the support people give me on here. thanks for being a part of that…xxx

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