The year of things to come….

Dark Place

I’ve lost count of how many times that I’ve said a year is going to be different as the stroke of midnight blended the old into the new.

2017 started with great promise, it was going to be the year I got things done. I had plans to change myself, both mentally and physically. I was going to become a better person, buoyed by the counselling sessions I had been through. But as we all know, great promises can be broken, often times unintentionally.

I would say that neither 2016 or 17 were great years in my book. I’ve been battling a bout of depression, my first bad one since around 2003. Then I managed to pull myself together without the need for anti-depressants and this time I am trying to do the same, albeit there is a much bigger hill to climb and I am not sure I can do it without some assistance.

As with everything though, there were good times as well as bad. While not cured, I have changed. My counselling has been beneficial, in fact it quite possibly saved my life. This time, despite everything, there have been no thoughts of needing to hide a stash of tablets in case things got so bad that I did not want to carry on. These days I use the coping mechanisms I have been taught and while still there and sometimes severe, bouts of anxiety do not last as long as they previously would have.

In 2017 laugher was more of a feature along with meeting new friends and continuing to value those I already have. I’m not any better at social interaction, that still needs a lot of work, but not everything can happen all at once. The point is, I am trying.

Where work was concerned I had a lot of light bulb moments. I said goodbye to one colleague and welcomed a new one, through whom I am learning to have a better understanding of myself, mainly because we are so similar. We work well as a team and we have good foundations on which we can continue to build on in 2018.

Writing has been pretty sporadic, even by my own standards. I’ve been wondering if perhaps that is why I am currently feeling the way I do. Writing is therapeutic and also quite possibly something else I need as a coping mechanism. I’m still trying to figure out where the new me fits within the blogging world as I alternate between good days and bad, sad and happy.

I’m not going to make any grand promises for 2018. What would be the point. Instead I am going to go with the flow.

If you’re reading this, thank you for doing so and also for sticking with me for another year. Your support has meant more than you could know.

Happy New Year Eejits, let’s make it a good one : )

19 thoughts on “The year of things to come….

  1. I try to take one day at a time and when that doesn’t work I go for one hour at a time or less as necessary. When that doesn’t work I try not to beat myself up but remember that tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.
    Blessings to you for 2018.

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  2. I agree. Go with the flow Juls. You never know, you might be flowing in milk and honey. Perhaps not, could be a sticky mess. lol. Have a good year my friend. Hugs. Ralph xox ❤

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  3. I get why people make resolutions for the new year. What I don’t get is why 11:59pm in 2017 is somehow different than 12:01am 2018. My logical brain sees it as 2 minutes later, its still dark, still cold and despite some fireworks (or gunfire), it’s just like every other night. Deciding to make a resolution shouldn’t require a “new year” to do it in my honest opinion. Going with the flow, as you indicate, is the best option and is one that I live by. I need to lose weight, but I didn’t wait until New Years to start. I needed to find time for myself free of distractions, which I did, but didn’t wait until New Years. Making a resolution, as so many choose to do, on New Years is a surefire way to have them broken.
    When asked, my new years resolution is: Stop eating pizza.
    Now that’s a resolution I won’t feel guilty breaking 😉

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    • I agree,to me too there is no difference between one year and the next. I just hope this one is a little kinder :)
      That said I’ve been forcefully pushed into a resolution of no chocolate in the new year, I’ve worked out it’s the main cause of my heartburn lol

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  4. I suspect the “fog” you see or feel between the idea of writing as therapy and the concept of a “new you” is tied to a question of how new you actually are and if writing here isn’t somehow linked to an older, previous you.
    Too many pressure themselves and apologize for not writing more often as if they are cows being ordered to give milk or go to the beef processing plant. Yes, writing can be cathartic. I guess that’s why some keep journals. I have one I peck at now and then, mainly to keep track of medical concerns, right now, and take account/responsibility for my feelings/nerves.
    You make me have second thoughts about counseling, yet part of me resists because of past experience and anticipated cost as well as anticipated failure to comply. I have defense mechanisms that like to kick in at horrible times. I am not sure I would absorb the “tools” so readily and apply them to living. And, if I hear of the tools but don’t use them, they may just become more mental clutter and wagging fingers, telling me what to do without actually working WITH me. A good partner is what I feel I need. Not another manual to read or test to pass.
    One thing I said about going into the new year… I was not going to settle for saying anything with the word HOPE in it. I’ve done enough hoping. Now, I need to shake off the fear and despair and fire up my engines, somehow.

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    • Your comment about a partner is interesting. I know that’s not what I need. The only person who can fix me is me, no one else is magically going to make my problems disappear, in fact the addition of another person may only compound them. That was another realisation I made while at counselling, and it was a sad one. I finally realised that if I wasn’t able to love myself how could I expect anyone else too. I need to find peace with myself first.
      I think I’ve said to you before that counselling is not for everyone, and it would be difficult for you with the addition of defence mechanisms. For me, after toying with the idea for years I was finally ready, so probably more open to the whole process than I would have been before.
      Sometimes I can’t believe myself how something so simple could have changed me so much, but it really has. While not fixed, I’m in a much better place than I was. I dread to think where I would have been had I not taken those sessions.
      I hope someday you can find what makes you happy, whether that be a partner or some sessions. Don’t give up, there is always hope, it’s a good word, it makes me believe that good things can still happen.

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  5. (((((((((((((Eejit))))))))))))))))
    You DON’T have to be ANYTHING more than the sum of ALL of you – the sad, the happy, the silly, the serious, the anxious and stressed, the laid back and relaxed, etc. It’s ALL more than enough – just as you are.
    No one is any one thing aspect ….. and that’s okay. The only person’s permission you need to “be” or “feel” anything, is your own. With no excuses or apologies, to anyone else. The hard bit is learning to love yourself and not be overly self-critical. Moments are moments ….. and the point is, you are trying ….. trying to cope, trying to unlearn certain behaviours and patterns that don’t serve you well, and learn new ways of just being you – trying to get to the “essential” you …… it never happens over night – it’s a long process ….. so remember to be kind to yourself. And know, the absolute worst of any storm WILL pass. And you’re never alone.
    Let’s hope for all of the best for 2018 – one step and moment at a time.
    Pat

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    • It’s good to hear from you and a happy new year to you as well. I truly hope it is a good one for us both.
      I know you’re right I what you said, it’s getting myself to believe it is the problem, but I am getting better, honestly!!

      I do need to remember and remind myself that I am enough, just as I am :)

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