The year of things to come….

Dark Place

I’ve lost count of how many times that I’ve said a year is going to be different as the stroke of midnight blended the old into the new.

2017 started with great promise, it was going to be the year I got things done. I had plans to change myself, both mentally and physically. I was going to become a better person, buoyed by the counselling sessions I had been through. But as we all know, great promises can be broken, often times unintentionally.

I would say that neither 2016 or 17 were great years in my book. I’ve been battling a bout of depression, my first bad one since around 2003. Then I managed to pull myself together without the need for anti-depressants and this time I am trying to do the same, albeit there is a much bigger hill to climb and I am not sure I can do it without some assistance.

As with everything though, there were good times as well as bad. While not cured, I have changed. My counselling has been beneficial, in fact it quite possibly saved my life. This time, despite everything, there have been no thoughts of needing to hide a stash of tablets in case things got so bad that I did not want to carry on. These days I use the coping mechanisms I have been taught and while still there and sometimes severe, bouts of anxiety do not last as long as they previously would have.

In 2017 laugher was more of a feature along with meeting new friends and continuing to value those I already have. I’m not any better at social interaction, that still needs a lot of work, but not everything can happen all at once. The point is, I am trying.

Where work was concerned I had a lot of light bulb moments. I said goodbye to one colleague and welcomed a new one, through whom I am learning to have a better understanding of myself, mainly because we are so similar. We work well as a team and we have good foundations on which we can continue to build on in 2018.

Writing has been pretty sporadic, even by my own standards. I’ve been wondering if perhaps that is why I am currently feeling the way I do. Writing is therapeutic and also quite possibly something else I need as a coping mechanism. I’m still trying to figure out where the new me fits within the blogging world as I alternate between good days and bad, sad and happy.

I’m not going to make any grand promises for 2018. What would be the point. Instead I am going to go with the flow.

If you’re reading this, thank you for doing so and also for sticking with me for another year. Your support has meant more than you could know.

Happy New Year Eejits, let’s make it a good one : )

What the feck happened?

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I started this year with good intentions, I was going for the whole new year, new me thing, making changes and all that malarkey.

Full of bravado I was like a freshly inflated balloon, that had a pin stuck in it’s arse and promptly deflated.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was sick on New Years Eve. Not a great start I thought at the time, but I still had hope that things were going to get better. Nope, I’ve pretty much been sick on and off since then. Thankfully not actually physically sick, that’s only happened a couple more times, but there has been pretty much constant headaches and nausea.

On the plus side though, as I had been sick over New Years and not been smoking I thought what the hell, lets keep it up. So on top of everything else I decided to give up cigarettes and now I feel like I have been run over by a bus.

So here I am feeling like something a farmer slides of the end of a shovel and not knowing whether it’s one of the many viruses that are doing the rounds and has visited me twice already or whether it’s the effects of nicotine withdrawal. There has been furious googling of the symptoms associated with quitting and honestly, the flu like symptoms I can handle, but I’m getting mightily fed up with the headaches.

I’m staying hydrated too, apparently it’s a requirement when trying to help your chest get rid of all the gunge, but it’s an absolute bugger when you keep having to cough or sneeze. One needs to remember to clench, if you catch my drift. Ah men, old lady problems, be grateful you probably don’t understand.

All that being said, I don’t really miss smoking and apart from maybe twice, I’ve had no really bad cravings, more than likely because I already feel ill.

I hope this isn’t the way my year is going to pan out, I’m trying to do something good here, give me a break, I just want to get back to some kind of normality.

At least now though, at 10 days smoke free, I am able to take a deep breath and start again. I just hope the withdrawal symptoms feck away off soon and allow me to do so :)

It’s a New Year!

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Happy New Year to you Eejits, 2016 is here. For some strange reason I could not find any New Year cartoons on Bitstrips, so I picked the one above, mainly because I liked it, but also because it reminded me of the Sound of Music which I was belting out at the top of my voice yesterday. Yep, you know that rain, it was probably my fault.

You might be fooled into thinking this is me merrily skipping though meadows, technically I am, but it’s more like a running away kinda thing than merrily skipping. Please note my invisible suitcases, one carries my Xbox and the other all the stationary I got for Christmas, and no before you ask, I didn’t forget about the penguins, they are all in the imaginary rucksack or should that be knapsack on my back.

If the last two weeks are anything to go by, then there is going to be very little ‘happy’ about this new year.

Normally I’ll write a post on New Years Eve, this year I just couldn’t do it, my mind was occupied with other things and being trampled with anxiety. I tried again yesterday, nope, nothing, same as they day before, so I did housework instead.

I’d love to sit here and tell you about all the amazing and wonderful things I would like to achieve in 2016, but you know what, it’s pointless, I need to start being realistic and stop living with my head in the clouds, because no matter what I think, life is just not the same anymore. Somewhere along the line I’ve lost myself, because I’ve become bogged down in all the things I need to do for everyone else.

In 2016 I will be happy enough to exist. I hope there are more good days than bad and that I can still find reasons to smile. I hope to be able to continue blogging, despite the fact that when my wonky top box is mush I find it hard to formulate sentences. I hope to meet more new people and some of the old ones face to face. I hope to shed a few pounds, but then again I say that every year and it’s usually only achievable by throwing some butter out the back door. Perhaps if I aim small, I will achieve the impossible.

2015 wasn’t a bad year, there was much to be grateful for, but it’s doubtful I could have got through it at all if it had not been for all of you and this platform. Writing really is good for the soul.

Thank you for being here and sticking with me even though I have not been around much. I hope to rectify that in 2016, but I’m making no promises. I have no idea what I will write about, but hopefully, somewhere along the line there will be laughter. If nothing else, that’s one thing we are good at!

Much love to you all and here’s to 2016, the year of achieving the impossible :)

New Year, New You?

Image courtesy of memespp.com
Image courtesy of memespp.com

What if you could relive any year of your life starting on New Year’s day?

That was the question Jed asked for last weeks Wednesday’s What If?, but as he quite rightly pointed out, it is cryptic, as it would mean you would have to relive every day of every year from that point on.

It’s a tempting prospect, the thought of being able to pick a point in your life and essentially start again, and a hasty decision could turn it into a reality. Shake hands with the little man at the door, nod your agreement and it’s all systems go. However, on further inspection, it is perhaps not a decision that should be taken lightly.

Everyone has bad days, weeks, months, and sometimes at the end of a year there is the temptation to say I’m glad that year is over, I hope the next one is better. Perhaps that is because we, especially me, have a tendency to focus on the bad things and forget about all the other amazing little things that happened to actually keeps us moving towards the beginning of the next shiny bright New Year.

If you returned to erase the bad, you would also erase all the people you met, all the love you received, all the happiness you gave sometimes with just a smile aimed at a stranger, and there is no guarantee that the same bad thing will not happen again, only at a different time.

That said, if you played this scenario right, you may just be able to turn it to your advantage:

  • Ever been tempted to try plastic surgery, save up, give it a go, and then if you don’t like the results just rewind time and spend the money on something different.
  • Relationship going down the skids? Save yourself the heartache and rewind time and forget that he / she ever existed.

These are only a couple of ideas from the millions that are floating around in the empty cavity that exists between my ears.

If, however, you are asking me what I would do, well then it’s simple. I’ll stay just as  I am thanks, there were times it was tough enough getting though the last 40 odd years on this planet, I’m not sure that I want to relive them.

Sometimes the best moments are left as memories.

S’not the New Year I hoped for!

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I know you’ve all been waiting patiently to hear about my great misadventures over the New Year period. You were imagining all sorts I’ll bet, the Wicky Digit full to the rafters, firemen actually getting their kit off and Onda grabbing a sneaky snog off Knuckles as the clock struck midnight while I screamed at the top of my voice…..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Wait what!? Yes you heard right, the only sound to escape my lips was most likely a wee snore or two, because I slept through the whole fecking thing.

It all started on Boxing day, and at first I blamed the Brussel sprouts, the usual cause of trouser trumps of such magnitude, but then I remembered I hadn’t actually had any, so there was clearly something more sinister going on. The Usain Bolt sprints for the bathroom followed a short time later along with that age old dilemma, can you reach the sink, when you’re shitting sitting on the toilet, thankfully in my case, yes, yes you can. Blessed relief.

I made it back to the sofa with only minutes to spare, so close to deaths door was I. Me!? A Drama Queen!? Never!

Onda came to visit me and brought tissues and oranges….Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. I tried to point out that not even a Dyson was going to be able to suck Vitamen C out of that bad boy, but it just wasn’t sinking in.

Me: Onda, I’m not long for this world. I think I’ve got Man Flu.

Onda: S’not.

Me: No seriously I think it is, I’m more sick than a big sick thing schooled at the school of sickness.

Onda: S’not (more high pitched this time).

Me: It feckin is!

Onda: No! Snot, wipe your nose you dirty clart, it’s dripping on the carpet.

There was very little sympathy after that, and according to Onda, who it would appear is a bit of a drama queen herself, what came out my nose was worthy of a scene from the Exorcist. As the saying here goes, the snotters were tripping me.

I’d been so looking forward to the New Year, I had every intention of starting it off with a bang, assuming I was able to lure someone back to my humble abode that is, but all I got was a crick in my neck from sleeping at an awkward angle on the sofa all night. I didn’t even realise it was New Years Day until I heard my next door neighbours in the back garden belting out Horse it into ya Cynthia by Farmer Dan, a sure fire sign that the night before has been a resounding success.

So there you have it, I May Dupp was a New Year failure. Let’s hope for a little more excitement in 2015 eh!

 

A Lightbulb Moment!

I think WordPress had a little too much alcohol last night, because it doesn’t seem to be firing on all cylinders today. I’ve been catching up on my reading, but on most of the posts I read I was unable to ‘Like’ as the button constantly sat at loading. I’ve also noticed that likes and pictures numbers do not tally, so obviously something internally is a little askew. I am sure it will sort itself out.

followed-blog-200-1xThe first good news of the year happened last night at 3am when I went to bed, steady on you with the dirty mind, I meant I finally got my little 200 Likes badge from WordPress. See, for all those who doubted me it just proves that if you whinge, moan, beg and bride, you can get what you want! Thank you to all those who helped make it happen.

The second piece of news is that in just 105 more views I will have reached 20, 000. That’s quite a milestone and I would love to say that it’s all to do with my scintillating charm wit and personality. Sadly I think it’s more to do with the worlds shameless addiction to the game Candy Crush and the fact that I chose to write about it. None the less, I am still as happy as a big happy thing :)

The New Year and a chance conversation got me thinking about the things I want to achieve in 2014. Parts of the conversation centered around the fact that many of us wished things had been different in 2013 and in some cases that we had a life other than the one we were living. That one I could emphasise with.

Although I may not have the most exciting life, which in turn means I don’t have many exciting and wondrous tales to blog about, one thing I have been blessed with is a fairly active imagination. This last year, through various challenges I was drawn into the world of fiction, and I discovered I liked it. There is a certain freedom about being able to write exactly what you want under the guise of fiction and imagination. So I’ve had an idea, in fact I did so much thinking today my brain hurts.

My intention is to introduce another character to my blog, through whom I can vicariously live a life less ordinary. It will hopefully be humorous and entertaining. I did briefly toy with the idea of creating a second blog to undertake this adventure but I love you guys and know that you will all help and critique me if required. It’s only an idea at present, whether I can actually make it work is one thing, and how I integrate it with my blog is another.

So what do you think, good idea or bad? and have you any ideas of a name for my character, I am open to suggestions, in fact I would welcome them after my idea of Fanny Fictitious got shot down in flames.

Over to you…………

Well hello there 2014!

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Image from Amazing Photos

Tomorrow has become today, so you know what that means right, yep, it’s New Year! It’s been a very quiet day, I remarked to my friend whilst we were having lunch that, for me anyway, it did not feel like New Years Eve at all.

Now the night has arrived I almost feel like I should be doing something, I dunno, let’s say swinging my granny pants over my head on a dance floor somewhere. The sad reality is though that I am so tired I am considering falling into bed and sleeping through the big event. I’m crafty though, I am going to type this now and schedule it for just after midnight. If you are reading it on the 1st of January (GMT) then my first foray into the world of scheduling was a resounding success.

2013 has been an up and down year for me. I had high hopes after the disaster that was 2012 that the new year was going to bring great things. In some ways it did, but it’s still been challenging none the less.

I finally admitted to myself that after the whole alien leg thing I was struggling with a bout of mild depression. In relation to the  recovery process I had been prepared for the physical pressure, but I had no idea how badly it would affect me mentally. I’m used to being able to do most things for myself, so having to take a back seat in some aspects and even rely on other people for assistance did not sit well with me. I still get extremely frustrated when there are things I can’t do, or on the days when I feel like the lower half of my body belongs to someone else. I’m learning to cope with the back pain that comes from the change to my gait, and the fact that my leg gives out at random intervals. The whole healing process is just going to take a little longer than I initially thought.

The biggest changes this year have been to my home life, with my Mum having stroke damage / dementia. Looking back it’s hard to believe I ever had a part time job. As things stand currently there is no way I would be able to return. Most days I adopt the ‘just get on with it’ attitude, but occasionally I feel it sitting very heavily on my shoulders and worrying about the future suffocates me. People tell me not to worry, but unless you are living in the situation day in, day out, it’s a rather rash statement to make. Here’s the thing though, I’m a bit of a believer in the saying ‘Things happen for a reason’, so I think there is a reason why I am here, it’s just not become apparent yet. I am extremely lucky to have good family and friends whose hands help me up when I am feeling down.

In 2013 I started blogging. The Geeky G4mer became The Indecisive Eejit and I found a little space on blogsphere where I was happy. I could never have imagined how much of a lift it would give me when on the 31st March 2013 I published my first post entitled ‘Ach what about ye’. In all honesty I had no intentions of staying, I figured it would be just another one of my fly by night ideas, but then a wonderful little thing known as interaction happened.

People started liking and commenting and following and as I got to know them all a new little group of friends formed, not to replace, but to compliment those I already had.

There have been days when the forecast has looked bleak and one of you has added a ray of sunshine. You all, have been an immense help to me, giving me a reason to keep on with my writing, offering me encouragement, sympathy, love and hope. I honestly do believe I would not have made it through unscathed without your support.

So to all of you, Internet friends, real life friends and my family, I wish you nothing but the best for 2014. Set your expectations low, but aim big.

Pri-Li sent me this via Facebook and I just had to share, because it summed up this Eejit and her followers perfectly:

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every numpty can read, but look at you havin a go!
This is a sentimental time of the year.
Please send an encouraging message to fucked up friends, just as I’ve done.
I don’t care if you lick windows, or occasionally shit yourself.
You hang in there cupcake, you’re fuckin special, you’re my mate!
Look at you smiling at your phone!

 

Is something happening tomorrow?

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Ok before I start let me just say I am rocking this whole one eye on the screen, one eye on the TV thing. This laptop is the dogs wotsits! Ok now that’s out of the way, I shall begin….

Is there something happening tomorrow? Is it a special day? There are lots of little New Year posts appearing in my reader, yet the big day is not till tomorrow. Anyone would think you guys are going to be heading out or something.

Up until my injury I always worked. New Years Eve has to be one of the loneliest nights of the calendar to work in a profession where the only contact you have with the outside world is by telephone. Strangely I didn’t mind, I had after all a job to do. Everything would go crazy until about 11.30pm and then things would calm a little as midnight approached. All the drivers would go home to spend time with their families and come the stroke of midnight I would go outside and stand at the front door of the office and listen for the boats sounding their horns as the clock struck 12. Back inside and after a quick call with the folks at approximately 12.15 the phones would start to ring off the hook and it would stay that way sometimes until 5 or 6 am.

On New Years Even it’s inevitable that taxies run late. That mate you promised a lift home, well I hadn’t actually allocated any time for him, so you make me late for the person after you, and so it goes on. When being shouted, moaned and whinged at, I had to sometimes and not always politely remind people that this was also my New Years yet I had given it up to make sure they got home safe.

It’s not that I am opposed to going out by the way, no I am not opposed to it at all, I just don’t like it, so umm no, not opposed.  Ok if truth be told it’s a direct result from trying and failing so many times to date men of the Scottish variety. Old Lang Syne still manages to reduce me to tears at any good New Year shindig I attend, so best to avoid them. (Disclaimer: For entertainment purposes only, I can assure my Scottish exes my heart healed just fine.)

Last year without a doubt was the best New Year ever. Owing to the fact that I was still recovering from my injury and there was no chance I was going to be getting down and dirty on the dance floor, or in work for that matter, I spent it with friends on  the Xbox. We had such a laugh, mostly due to the fact that our friend Jelly likes a wee toot of Whiskey and decided to have one or two that night. Many times I laughed till I cried.

It will be hard to top that, although if everyone is around perhaps we can try to recreate the magic. Whatever happens I’ll not be too far travelled on New Years Eve and will no doubt stop by to wish you all a happy and safe one, whatever it is you choose to do.

P.S – It took me so long to TV Watch / Write the post that it’s now New Years Eve, so for the sake of continuity just pretend it isn’t! Thanks :)

The holiday is over!

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.” ― Edith Lovejoy Pierce

I did it, tonight I watched the last episode of Greek. On both Friday and Saturday night I wrapped myself in my new fleece Geek blanket and had little mini TV marathons. By today I had left myself with just one little episode to watch. I was going to save it until New Years Eve, but I just couldn’t wait. All along I had been watching it thinking that there were more series and it was only a matter of time until they would appear. Imagine how sad I was when I consulted IMDB and realised that the episode I had just watched was the last one ever.

It left me with a dilemma, what to watch next. I like the idea of the program Dracula that is currently playing on one of the Sky channels. It’s not so much that I like men with pointy teeth and high collars, it’s more to do with the fact that I like lusting after Jonathan Rhys Meyers. I’d seen an introductory offer for Now TV which would give me the ability to watch the entertainment channels both live and on demand for £4.99 a month. I figured what’s to lose, if worst comes to worst then at least I can watch Dracula. Wrong! Only the last two episodes are on there and looking through the catalogue there is not that much else I would want to watch. Needless to say it’s getting cancelled at the end of the first month, but not before I watch Ashley Banjo’s Secret Street Crew, because he is quite pleasing on the eye too, whilst teaching ordinary people to street dance.

Tomorrow it’s time to return to work and as sad as I am, I am also a little bit glad. I’ve been thinking 5 days is a little to long in the pressure cooker that can sometimes be my home life. That said I am looking forward to getting another day off on Wednesday.

There are still a couple of days left over which I can ponder my New Years Resolutions if indeed I choose to buckle and make some.  I’ll not get too stressed about it, I’ll just try and get through work and to the end of 2013.

The quote says it all really, for all of us who write, we have clean fresh pages and the choice is ours as to what we fill them with.

The countdown begins………..

Feeling Meh-ry, not Merry!

I don’t know what it is, but now Christmas has departed I am feeling a little on the meh side. Instead of revelling in the post Christmas delights of over eating and the Wizard of Oz, I am instead nursing a rather grand case of post Christmas blues.

In some ways this was not the relaxing break I had hoped for. I forgot that although I had a few days off work, things at home would be the same meaning the cooking and  the cleaning would carry on. So sadly do Mums mood swings. I try to stay calm, but sometimes it proves really difficult. I also remind myself daily to not take it personally, but that can also prove difficult.

Perhaps that’s the cause of some of the mehness. Most people look forward to the New Year and the chance to hypothetically start over with a clean sheet, while making promises to not make the same mistakes as the previous year. I’m a little bummed out because in the near future  it looks like the only thing in my future is more of the same. We’re sort of at a crossroads, where the situation is getting worse, but not to the stage where we can seek outside help. My Dad says not to worry and that things have a strange way of working out, but asking me not to worry is like asking me not to breathe, That is something else I intend to address in the New Year.

I still find it uncomfortable to write things like this on my blog, and despite how many times I tell myself I can write what I want, it’s a hurdle I stumble, not leap over. Couple that with yesterday having a crisis of confidence (yes again) and bemoaning the fact that I don’t feel like I write like an adult I was ready to throw in the towel and admit defeat. Unfortunately, for you that is, it only lasted a short period of time, so I’m not going anywhere any time soon, sorry to disappoint!

In the mean time I am going to do the housework and give myself a serious talking to. I would do it in a dark room but the daytime scuppered that idea.

Merry Meh-ness people, tomorrow (or even later on) is another day!