Concerning life

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I have romantic notions about how I should be living my life. Curling up in front of an open fire with my laptop after having had a shower, all calm and chilled and wasting a little time before heading to bed at 10.30pm every night meaning I am well rested for work.

Reality: Hot fecking mess, that’s what it is! and without the open fire.

I stupidly thought that perhaps life was returning to some kind of normality and that maybe I was too. You see I’m trying to get everything done, get the house sorted, get me sorted, and then life will be good right!? Wrong…it’s still a bloody disaster.

I had a couple of days off this week, another chance to de clutter and finally move from one bedroom to the other, as my current one needs redecorated thanks to the mouldy 20 odd year old wallpaper. Day one progressed not too bad, I got things done. That said every time I opened a cupboard there was just more ‘stuff’. I mean there is stuff on top of stuff, covered with stuff that’s hiding even more stuff. Trust me, it’s depressing stuff! Thanks Mothership, your legacy lives on. That said, there were tears throughout the day too  as I came across a variety of photographs that brought back memories, some happy and some sad.

I ended day one feeling hopeful. Hopeful that there was one cupboard cleared, under the bed in the guest room had been de gunked and that I might finally have finished this mammoth task by 2018. In order to make that time scale however I might have to call in reinforcements in the form of the Sistership, I think this is too big a task for a one man band.

Day Two. I woke up. My head hurt. Another fecking migraine. You have got to be kidding me. I never left the sofa all day, anything I tried to eat returned with a vengeance and I didn’t even make it out to vote. Illness has followed me like a lovesick puppy since my Mum died, I have never been sick so often in my entire life. Colds, flu like symptoms, crippling migraines, has no one told my body I am supposed to be under less stress now ffs. I’m still not feeling great and that was 3 days ago.

Since the start of the year I have tried to be better to myself. Instead it’s left me feeling worse and yes before you say it I know, this is probably just a phase and things will get better. You all think my body is trying to catch up on the last four years and you’re probably right, but I am mightily sick of being sick!

I’m 65 days, 11 hours, 53 minutes and 14s smoke free as I type this. Don’t worry, I’m not that anal that I can count the days in my head, I’m not that good at maths  either. I have an App for that. I’ve made changes to my diet, I keep an eye on my blood pressure and I’ve substituted crisps (I miss you so much little crisps, never forget me) for nuts, which are apparently good fats and not the bad ones. All this, and still I feel like shit. Seems kinda unfair right!? Yeah I think so too.

Sensible me knows that change doesn’t happen overnight and I have four years to make up for, so I am determined to soldier on. I need to remind myself that everything does not have to be done all at once. I need to stop beating myself up when I let other people down due to being sick, I can’t help being sick and worrying about it only increases the stress. For the last four years I lived off a schedule where everything had to be done there and then and I am finding it hard to break that habit.

Things will be done when they are done. If not today, then there is always tomorrow. I just need to drum that into my thick skull!



41 thoughts on “Concerning life

  1. I liked your post, not because of your woes, but because of the efforts you are making to improve your situation despite the setbacks that make it more difficult to push forward. I mean, a little stress is enough to push quitters back toward smoking and you’ve passed the two month mark, which is fantastic. Making positive dietary changes is also a good thing and you should consider that you may be inspiring others around you and out there without even realizing it. I sure look forward to the time when you will find that all this is behind you and you are so proud of everything you have accomplished. Chin up, Miss Jules. If I ever make it out there I’ve got a huge high-five for you. :)


  2. First of all, Congrats on being smoke free!!! That is an awesome achievement and you will begin to feel better eventually, it takes time.. Keep at it! Second, your blog is the reason I go around saying What the Feck! lol, it makes my coworkers giggle every time.. Just thought I would give credit where it is due ;)


  3. I hear you Juls and you have my deepest empathy and virtual hugs. Stick with it and things will get better. Decluttering stuff is hard too. I know this from personal experience of my parents home. After there is such relief and freedom. It’s so worth doing just to get to that sensation x


  4. What is this “normal” of which you speak? ;)

    In all seriousness, you’re absolutely correct – you should stop beating yourself up, and focus on your successes (congrats on being smoke free!), and everything will be done in due time. I hope the nasty migraine and other ailments clear up for you soon, and sending tons of positive energy your way! *hugs*


  5. You are hitting yourself way too hard, here. Why on earth would you expect to be stress free now? You lost your mother! Of course that is going to hit you not just mentally but physically. You are still under a heavy stressload, my friend. Grief, change, stopping smoking – on top of taking care of Fathership and the normal shite life throws at us daily. Of course your body is showing the effects of all of this strain. Your immune system is weakened, and you likely aren’t sleeping enough to heal from the day before. Don’t feel you are weak – you are NOT. One of the strongest people I know, in fact.


  6. As somebody who is both a neat freak and a tad OCD (self diagnosed) I can tell you, getting it all done is not all it’s cracked up to be. Keep accomplishing a little at a time, here and there, don’t beat yourself up about it and before you know it, “boom!”, you’ve done it…and then life will throw something else at you (I kid, I kid…maybe not). *hugs* :-)


  7. That’s a good philosophy to have Juls, there is always tomorrow and will the earth stop spinning if you don’t get it done today…NO!! Be gentle on yourself dear Irish lady….


  8. ((((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))

    just take it slow and easy …. slow and easy ….. and let yourself breathe; old habits die hard to be sure, so just give yourself a little more extra TLC ….. and more hugs to help with the fishing and finding things that are, you know, little memory triggers too.

    and you know, I remember you saying there is tons of stuff before – and you’re probably right, getting the Sistership to help might actually be a really good thing, for everyone.


    • It is getting less….just verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly. There are days when I open the wardrobe doors and close them again because the task is just to mammoth.
      There is no such thing as doing a little at a time because it’s like a game of Jenga, one wrong move and the whole lot comes a tumbling lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • well, best to deal with it as you are ready …. so when you need to take a break, best to leave it and take care of yourself in some other way ….. you know, Rome wasn’t built in a day ….


  9. Sometimes I think misery related to foul health comes like a slap on the face to rethink something. While it feels like torture, I suspect–or would prefer to think–it’s some form of “necessary detention” to stop us from doing the wrong thing and, hopefully, see the right thing (to do).

    But, if I was you, I’d surely be having small panic attacks, indulging bad habits and shedding plenty of tears.

    Everyone grab a bucket.


      • Had you hung onto something (versus “giving up everything” (whatever “everything” entails), you might have delayed the cathartic process and/or found yourself confronting a paper trail of baggage, later. I don’t know which path is easier. But, I suspect, if you did unload “all of it,” you will sooner realize your load has been lightened. [Versus waking up one day and saying, “What? That’s still here? I’ve got more work to do. I thought I was done with all that.”]

        Hopefully a big purge will level out with great relief like coming out of the river rapids to enjoy the rest of the ride on calmer terms.


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