Going forward, not backwards!

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My counselling is finished and that’s kinda scary because now it’s just me, on my own again against the big bad world.

I do feel different and others say they can see a change in me. That said, there will always be people who will not understand my anxiety issues or even try to. I wish they could walk a day in my shoes to experience what it is like to be on the inside looking out. I am making changes, but it is going to take time. I am a work in progress.

I am proud of myself, which prior to counselling is something I would probably never have said out loud or written down. I was committed to this process, I needed to make it work. All through the summer when things were getting worse with the Mothership I hoped that my appointment would come through, but it turns out that despite the fact that it was later than I hoped, it was  at just the right time, only I didn’t realise that then.

I’ve been given the tools I need to get on with my life, what I choose to do with them now is up to me. I need to continually challenge both myself, and my thought processes. In effect I am retraining and rewiring my brain. It’s a shame that my wonky leg is not wonky enough to give myself an occasional kick up the arse when needed, because believe me there are days I still find extremely challenging.

I’ve been through a lot these last four years and it’s only now I’m realising I am no longer on a schedule or dancing to someone else’s tune. Sure I still have to look after the Fathership by making sure he’s fed, has clean clothes and eats, but by and large thankfully he is self sufficient. Although he needs a good kick up the arse sometimes too!

It was my Mum’s birthday on Sunday. When someone passes without realising it you experience a series of firsts. The first time you enter the house when they are not there, the first time you notice their chair is empty, the first time you realise they are actually gone, the first Christmas, the first birthday and the list goes on. In some ways we are lucky as we’ve experienced all of these things within the first two months. It doesn’t mean the others are going to be any easier, but at least now we know what expect.

I have no doubt that my anxiety levels have lessened a little now I no longer have to worry about my Mum. I’m living a different life and learning what it is like to be me again. I’m hoping that now with the benefit of counselling I might even begin to like who I find, wouldn’t that be a game changer.

I’m never going to be perfect, and neither would I want to be. I just want to be be weird, be silly and be happy!

Last night I scared the shit out of myself, I seriously thought I was possessed. Why I hear you ask, why indeed….I was having positive thoughts!!

Change is coming and I’m opening my arms to embrace it :)

 

38 thoughts on “Going forward, not backwards!

  1. And we wouldn’t have you any other way ! Just remember, we are our own worst critics, so use that wonky leg & give the critical voice a swifty ;)

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  2. Having positive thoughts is one thing, realising what they are is eye opening and a revelation I am sure….and in time you will adjust to them, and maybe grow to like them after all you will begin to like the person you are for the imperfections you possess and lets face it its those imperfections that make us attractive to other people and generate care of you from them.
    You’ve written a wonderfully positive post Juls, I hope it continues and good luck with the new you….

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  3. I would not wish my anxieties or depression on anyone. Even as punishment it seems cruel. It makes me think of any movie in which one character wants more power and another gives that first person everything they’ve got until it overloads the seeker’s brain.

    Yes, you will feel some withdrawal from losing the comfy pea pod that is the therapist couch. Only in good time will you come to realize either the therapy did some good and you now must apply what you learned…or that the therapy didn’t really do anything except keep you calm for a while (if that). You may realize this is a wake up call to find therapy in other places, people and activities. Just as a parent can only spend so much time teaching you to ride a bike or swim.

    I don’t know what it will take to claim I am proud of myself. I suppose when I am no longer a work in progress. :P

    If you challenge yourself just enough, it will be like exercise. But, too much challenging, or challenging too often, could lead to you never being content or settled in with anything. Which is not all bad…nor is it all good.

    I suppose all of those “firsts” that tug at the heart could be seen as baton passes on a long marathon relay. At each event/stop, you need to pick up speed to enter the transition and then cool off once you pass the baton. You are passing the Mothership’s baton to heaven, now. One weight off your daily shoulders. You can still watch her run her part of the course, if you like. Or, turn those intense feelings into something creative, a memorial of sorts.

    If you can embrace change with open arms and not get hurt worse than you’ve come to experience and accept, then you’re doing okay. Me, I’d be a lil more cautious where I put my arms and try to keep my eyes in the moment.

    That possessed feeling could be a version of my own voices or deja vu/premonition mind talking.

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  4. I’m not going to patronise you by saying I understand what you’re going through, but you are never on your own – we’re all here whenever you need us… Kudos to you for taking such big steps in what must be a really difficult time…

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  5. I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling good. I’m sorry about your mom though. May I suggest keeping a journal to write in when you’re feeling stressed? That way if you need to start up therapy again, you have a log of your feelings? Just my two cents my dear

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  6. ((((((((((((Jules))))))))))))))

    hey hey hey – open those arms and then wrap them around yourself – hug and hold on!

    you can and will do it – just remember, you have the tools, the means and ways, and yeah, it’s okay to be a work-in-progress …. and no – no justifications needed, ever!

    Love ya sister!

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