Which way now?

September 10, 2015September 10, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit50 Comments

I think I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I am not sure what direction to take.

Every day this week I have plonked myself in front of my computer with the intention of writing something, anything. Instead, I have nothing, not a damn thing. That makes me question why I am here and why I continue to do this. Even now as I sit here trying to put everything down it’s twisting and turning in my head.

I never thought I would last this long to be honest, I rarely stick at anything. If I don’t feel it’s working then I let it go. I set standards for myself that are usually unachievable and berate myself when I fail. What I don’t realise at the time is that I am usually setting myself up to fail.

When I started blogging I wanted to get the word out there, I wanted people to read, while I didn’t want to be famous, I did want some interaction. I have written many posts before detailing how what I thought would happen and what did happen were two different things and I still stand by those sentiments as expressed in this post:

When you sit down, cup of coffee in hand and look back, because someone has challenged you as to the reasons why you blog, you will realise it is because you have become part of a family. You will begin to appreciate the love that surrounds you, the support that is offered to you and help you receive. You will realise that it is these people, along with your family and friends who have provided light in the darkness and a reason to smile when you thought there was none

Giving up is not an option. While I still feel like I do not measure up, I finally feel like I fit somewhere. I’m a very small part, but I am a part none the less.

I think I am changing, perhaps I am even starting to grow up. I still want to be the happy person I used to be, but most days life has a habit of suppressing it, there is too much other shit to deal with and it’s constant. By the time I deal with all the responsibilities I am too tired to deal with anything else.

I feel restricted in some ways, again, no ones fault but my own. In going back to my statement earlier about wanting to get the word out there I told people I knew, from real life when I started blogging and now I wish I hadn’t because in doing so I feel that I can’t be as open or as honest as I would like to be. That’s something I have to figure out a solution for own my own.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who throws posts out just to fill empty spaces or get blog views, I no longer care about stats, but I do care about this community. I wish I could go back to my younger days were words flowed, they just were and I did not have to give thought or consideration to what anyone else might think.

Sometime in the future I might decide that writing and blogging is no longer for me, but today is not that day.

Perhaps it is more about finding a balance than choosing a path.

Where am I?

August 2, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit69 Comments

Sad Eejit

Sadly, this it not going to be one of those posts where you try to guess my location. I’m right where I always am, I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

I’ve found this last month or so a real struggle, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected, from pretty much everything. My anxiety levels have been through the roof, which has a knock on effect of a messed up sleep pattern, it’s a vicious circle. I still function, I do all the things I am supposed to, I keep things ticking over, and everyone fed, I go to work and the rest of the time I just feel tired. In my head the world is going to fall apart at any second and believe me, that’s not a nice feeling.

I miss the person I was. I used to be mildly funny. Perhaps in the correct setting I still could be, right now I just feel lost.

This life swamps me sometimes, the enormity of it all. I don’t think about just one person now, I have to think for two. I had trouble enough looking after myself.

I miss writing here, but I have nothing to say but this. I’m left not knowing what to do, should I wait until I have something funny to say, or should I just write everything and hope that the few people who interact don’t run for the hills. It is after all part and parcel of who I am, no one can be funny all of the time, right?!

I was cleaning out my computer of all the junk it has amassed over the last five years it has been with me. Reading through old posts left me wondering who the person who wrote them was, because it feels a world away from who I am now. If I’m also hurtling towards the menopause then I am well and truly fucked, throwing hormones into this mix is going to be about the the same as throwing a firework on a bonfire, looks out folks she’s gonna blow!

The thing is, I’ll get through it, I always do. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll still function exactly as I did today. I’ll write about it and you’ll tell me stupid jokes and make me smile.

One day if I’m lucky, and you lot are incredibly unlucky I might just write a funny post again. Most likely the next one, because it is amazing how cathartic writing this shit actually is :)

Let me start with the bad jokes, to set you off on the right track:

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? – It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!

And finally, whilst perusing Spotify this week, they were kind enough to give me a little playlist all of my very own based on the songs I listen to. One of the choices was a band called Amber Run with a song called I found which I love, however for the purposes of this post I am going to leave you with their song called Spark, simply because as the song says, I need to let the light in.

Till next time eejits :)

Grrrr!

April 15, 2015April 15, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit24 Comments

I’m blogging on the train again, go me that’s twice in one month. Is it the same month? I dunno. Who cares.

Today was one of those days where I just had to get up and leave work because I was in fear of my ‘Are you fecking serious’ meter going unto hyperdrive and blowing the top clean off my heed. Thunderous looks and muttered ‘fucks’ were flying in all directions to an audience of myself, mainly because I’ve decided I’m the only one who listens. I can’t even use the PMT card, I’m just angry!

How many things does it take before someone actually breaks, because at this rate I’m going to break myself. I hate anxiety and worry, rotten little shits, always on my case they are.

I’m going home to sit down in a dark room and give myself a good talking to!

Thanks for reading, I feel better now :)

Settle Down

February 23, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit52 Comments

Unicorn

If you read the tips pages on WordPress, they advise that you should never apologise for an absence, so I won’t, I shall simply start with hello again. That said, those of you who have followed me for a while are well used to my absences.

I didn’t write last week, I didn’t even read much. As far as weeks go, it was the worst one in a long time. There was so much going on and things were continually piling in on top of each other. The Mothership was stressed and seeing things under the table, and I was stressed wondering how I was going to extract a urine sample from her, whilst worrying about the fact she was seeing things under the table. I end up walking around with constant nausea because worry turns my stomach into a washing machine.

Imagine a day where you have a shadow and that shadow is constantly talking at you and getting irritated when you don’t understand. Imagine finishing all the housework and finally sitting down only for the door to open and the shadow to appear asking yet another question which means you have to get up cos you need to be shown what it relates to. To finally get to sleep at 4am to be woken the next morning to start the routine of dressing the shadow. I may turn to alcohol!

Work was just as bad, I’m finding it really stressful. I get up in the morning and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am going in to. I leave work and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am coming home to. I’m not sleeping which of course makes everything seem ten times worse than it actually is.

I broke down in work the other day and told my boss I was not cut out for the job and that I couldn’t do it. I hate to admit failure, but, that’s genuinely how I feel, my job is making me feel stupid, which in turn is giving my already low confidence a good boot in the balls. He was very nice about it, but he more than likely thinks I am a fruit loop. Ah well if the cap fits.

Phew, I feel better after writing all that and now I’ve left myself with nowhere to go. I really don’t want hugs or kind words or commiserations, I just needed to get that off my chest. With a few nights good sleep (hopefully) I’ll be dead on. Tell me a joke instead or something random that will make me smile!

Missed you lot.

(I deliberated about posting this, because I really do not want sympathy, if it’s this hard for me, imagine what it must me like for the Mothership, but I promised myself a while ago I would write the good and the bad and that’s what I need to do. Better out than in as the man says!)

Week 3 of Seven Weeks of Weird!

July 16, 2014May 1, 2020 The Indecisive Eejit16 Comments

And so it continues, the Wednesday Weirdness created by none other than Mental Mama herself. If you’re unsure what it’s all about, you can follow this LINK! But be afraid, be very afraid!

I’m actually beginning to think that I am not as weird as I first thought as I am having a tough time answering these questions. That said, I probably am weird, but have convinced myself that my quirks are both normal and endearing.

This weeks question asks:

Weirdest Thing You Do To Relax

Thats a bit of a weird question to ask me really, because I suffer from anxiety and also have a healthy worrying habit to contend with, so I don’t feel like I ever relax. There is always something spinning in my head.

On days when the stress all gets a little too much for me, I find the only way to release the tension is to go on a rampage and leave a trail of destruction in my wake! Doing this in real life would most certainly lead to a spell of imprisonment and shoot my anxiety levels through the roof, so I had to find another avenue through which to vent, and unsurprisingly that was GTA V!

Now I know to a lot of you this will not seem so weird, I am sure a lot of people vent theirs frustrations via gaming, but seriously, it’s the wackiest thing I could come up with.

Owing to the fact my disguise was so good I figured they would never realise it was me who robbed the convenience store, or stole the cars! Then I realised I was still ginger, WTF, back to the drawing board!

My second attempt was a little more successful, however I seemed to attract the wrong kind of men.

My third and final attempt was totally successful! No one in their right minds was ever going to recognize me dressed as a girl, high heels and all! After many attempts I was finally able to master the Starsky and Hutch slide without showing my Knickers!! Sometimes though, not even gaming is enough to help you relax. On those days, well there is nothing else for it but to revert to the old fashioned method of sitting on the toilet and having a serious think about where your life is going!!

Indie Loo — Ah balls, that better not be the end of the role!

Till next week Eejits :)

Leave your shoes at the door!

February 2, 2014February 9, 2014 The Indecisive Eejit23 Comments

I don’t normally do the DP Weekly challenge, but this one’s Rara’s so I’m going to give it a go!

Weekly Writing Challenge: Leave Your Shoes at the Door

I’m usually afraid to do challenges like this because I am always scared that my interpretation of the question will be so far off the wall that no one will have a clue what I am on about.

For some strange reason when I thought about this challenge all I could think about was writing what it would be like to walk in someone else’s shoes for a day. Then I thought, why would I walk in someone else’s shoes, when for so many reasons I am not comfortable walking in my own.

On the 5th July 2012 my life changed. People had a habit of saying to me, if you don’t slow down, something is going to happen to make you slow down. My Mum had a mini stroke which resulted with a bleed on the brain around 10 – 12 years ago. Over the last 5 – 6 years she has been getting worse with regards to memory, speech etc, albeit very slowly.

I’d already started to do the housework on Saturdays, after working all week, and then heading in for a 10 hour night shift on a Saturday night. My own work at the time was pretty stressful and on the day of my accident the form in the house was pretty bad. Walking through the living room I tripped and ruptured the patella tendon in my left knee.

I’d never had surgery before. I’m not ashamed to say I cried. It was the first time I’d had to sign a form to acknowledge the fact that I might die during some procedure or another. Thankfully I came out the other side.

In the following months during my recovery, I was really low. Always used to working I found the whole doing nothing thing was harder than I imagined. I’m a terrible worrier, in fact, if I am not worrying, I start to worry that I have forgotten what the original problem was. I am also crippled with anxiety. I am finally able to admit it now. I was worried I was never going to walk again.

Being at home for 6 months allowed me to see just how much my Mum had deteriorated and about a month before I was due to go back to work I started to cook the dinners, I was the hop along chef! It’s stayed like that ever since. Now I do the washing, change the beds, all the cooking and cleaning.

I can no longer walk in the shoes I wore pre accident, and I am not walking the same path either. Everything has changed, I can’t honestly say for the better. If I had a pound for all the people who have told me it will get worse before it gets better, I’d be a rich woman.

I have no self confidence, I am a born worrier prone to anxiety and despite how I come across I am actually quite shy until I get to know you, being behind a computer screen is fine. I also now have an intermittent limp and pain most days, but I am walking and that’s the main thing.

So now you see why I wouldn’t feel comfortable writing about being in someone else’s shoes, until I am comfortable in my own. I have a lot of work to do! I need to get new shoes :)