Where am I?

Sad Eejit

Sadly, this it not going to be one of those posts where you try to guess my location. I’m right where I always am, I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

I’ve found this last month or so a real struggle, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected, from pretty much everything. My anxiety levels have been through the roof, which has a knock on effect of a messed up sleep pattern, it’s a vicious circle. I still function, I do all the things I am supposed to, I keep things ticking over, and everyone fed, I go to work and the rest of the time I just feel tired. In my head the world is going to fall apart at any second and believe me, that’s not a nice feeling.

I miss the person I was. I used to be mildly funny. Perhaps in the correct setting I still could be, right now I just feel lost.

This life swamps me sometimes, the enormity of it all. I don’t think about just one person now, I have to think for two. I had trouble enough looking after myself.

I miss writing here, but I have nothing to say but this. I’m left not knowing what to do, should I wait until I have something funny to say, or should I just write everything and hope that the few people who interact don’t run for the hills. It is after all part and parcel of who I am, no one can be funny all of the time, right?!

I was cleaning out my computer of all the junk it has amassed over the last five years it has been with me. Reading through old posts left me wondering who the person who wrote them was, because it feels a world away from who I am now. If I’m also hurtling towards the menopause then I am well and truly fucked, throwing hormones into this mix is going to be about the the same as throwing a firework on a bonfire, looks out folks she’s gonna blow!

The thing is, I’ll get through it, I always do. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll still function exactly as I did today. I’ll write about it and you’ll tell me stupid jokes and make me smile.

One day if I’m lucky, and you lot are incredibly unlucky I might just write a funny post again. Most likely the next one, because it is amazing how cathartic writing this shit actually is :)

Let me start with the bad jokes, to set you off on the right track:

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? – It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!

And finally, whilst perusing Spotify this week, they were kind enough to give me a little playlist all of my very own based on the songs I listen to. One of the choices was a band called Amber Run with a song called I found which I love, however for the purposes of this post I am going to leave you with their song called Spark, simply because as the song says, I need to let the light in.

Till next time eejits :)

 

69 thoughts on “Where am I?

  1. I love the discover Spotify playlists. My find this week was a version of dancing on my own. You should listen and have a wee dance, i guarantee dancing will make you feel a little better :)

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    • It’s quite scary isn’t it how good the suggestions are, I think I only found one I didn’t like.
      I liked Amber Runs album so much I had to buy it.
      Dancing is good, but alien leg is not going to let than happen today, tomorrow I will try :) I will however listen to your song :)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Heck ! I was going to run for the hills. Then I didn’t because it’s dark, I might trip over a sheep, get shot by a farmer, arrested by the Guardia Civil, spend 10 years in jail before my case comes up, get extradited back to the UK from Spain, get treated as an illegal immigrant, put on the first flight for Zimbabwe, get shot as a spy ……….. and you wouldn’t know that this post caused all this my friend. ;)
    Big hug. Ralph xox <3

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  3. You know I know where you are coming from and where you are. I am still there, somewhat. Or a lot what. Or something.

    Point is, you are not alone. You always know where to find me, here or elsewhere, if you need me. Not sure what I can do other than listen sometimes, but there you go.

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  4. Yes, as someone wrote above, write what you like. It is good to get thoughts off the chest. I chuckled at the tractor joke, I know someone I’ll tell it to tomorrow too! Thanks. Tony :)

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  5. I have been where you are so many times. Functionally depressed. For me exercise helps. even if it is a 20 minute walk every night. It feel daunting at first but sometimes it pulls you out of the slump. Just know you are not alone….the person next to you in the elevator might be going through the same thing and you don’t even know it! Keep going…sending you good vibes!

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      • Even if it’s 10 minutes a day…make a deal with yourself…..eventually you will increase the time without even realizing it! Just promise yourself…do one thing each day you don’t want to do…even if it tiny…baby steps and cut yourself some slack…feeling bad about feeling bad only makes things worse….that little thing you do each day will make you feel better than you think!

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  6. Just write from where you’re at. Spew out a paragraph or two when you can. We’re here, and listening. I know a true story about a dog who drove a tractor….

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  7. Oh, Juls….you pinpoint so much of what (at least I) am feeling and I think we’re of similar age. We’ve also both had some not-so-nice huge circumstance changes so I think I can really relate to that feeling of not even recognising yourself anymore. It’s certainly how I’ve felt. My own feeling of late is that it’s okay I’m not who I used to be. In some ways that’s a good thing believe it or not. But I really think that there’s an even better me on the way in all this. Somehow, I think that’s true for you too! Hang in there, girl.

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  8. Juls, everything you mentioned feeling disconnected, disrupted sleep patterns, overwhelmed by anxiety sound so much like my own feelings. How could these feelings not have an effect on our ability to write? I also wonder what I’m going to write next, as life in general just swamps me to the point that I feel like throwing my hands up and yelling, “Okay, I surrender!” It’s hard to be amusing everyday, in my case…impossible. So, I settle for once in a while. Many is the day where I feel hollow, inside…even after I eat. So I decided to write about the total absurdity of life, but only when I feel like it. And you know…it almost feels like revenge.Take that life! :D

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  9. Oh I know where you are coming from as I am going through something similar (even down to possibly going though the menopause). I hope you get through it soon, and I am here if you need to vent! :-)

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  10. I relate to this feeling. I’ve started keeping a more deliberate calendar (I’m using the “Passion Planner.”), and when I look back at a week where I’ve felt lost, unfocused, and unmotivated, I’m surprised at how much I still managed to accomplish — even creative things — when it felt like I wasn’t doing anything the whole time. Noticing this has helped me abide the “blah” days better and not beat myself up so much.

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  11. You know – you shoulder an awful lot – and it is beyond exhausting – and you need to consider working in some form of “breaks” from it all – I mean this seriously. And because I love you – please consider going to see your MD and discussing the situation – for you – because the continual fucked up sleep, the stress, the anxiety that everything is going to flip sideways – even if its just you reacting this way in your head – is so not a good thing. You really – really – don’t want to fall into an abyss Juls – because it’ll be a thousand times harder to climb back out.

    It’s one thing to have an off day here and there – but you my lovely and wonderfully charismatic friend – handle “overload” every.single.day. And let’s face it – it’s an awful lot.

    So – firstly — write away however you like – about what ever you like – and stop worrying about trying to entertain us – WE LoVE You No MATTER WHAT! :D

    And yeah, find some way of lessening the load – for your sake – because you are damn well worth it!

    Hugs and lots of love my Eejit friend – and by the way – the post you wrote without the letter “E” – awesome! You are brilliant XD

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    • I was talking to Mental M the other day about anxiety meds and then also to my friend who likes natural solutions, so I have a couple of ideas to try and if all else fails then yes, it’s time to go see the Doc. Even I realise that my anxiety is getting of control, but lets see how a few little dietary tweeks and things work out first.
      But I hear what you are saying, 100% and as I get older it is getting harder to climb out of the mini abysses. Thank you for your words as always, they are like a warm blanket on a cool night.
      I am going to try and write everything, because it really is quite cathartic :)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad to hear that you have some “new” ideas in mind – diet and natural solutions are often a good place to start – but if needs be …. at least it is an option … and that’s way better than none at all.

        Write it all out – just spew spew spew … it really is a great stress buster – even if it only takes the burden away for some time – AND – bonus brownies here – sometimes – setting it out allows solutions and ideas to come up – angles and avenues present themselves in new light – and double brownies – there is always the support and feedback and love from your “fan club” :D

        Hugs to you Juls xxx

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  12. Gosh, it’s tough getting to the bottom of the page…

    I just want to grab hold of you and cry. I have been feeling much the same! Today is not as bad…and some days it’s a roller coaster. But, I can look back and see the waves my emotions have created and the water behind the dam of “I’m okay.”

    Looking through old posts and the like could be good or bad. You might create a whirlpool of “what was” emotions and pull yourself further down from time spent (not necessarily lost). I, too, went through old photos and pieces written and had my share of dusty old smiles, fleeting flirtations/obsessions and “sad to see it goes.”

    Do all you can to stay afloat. And, avoid all sad stories, tragedy in the news, sad songs, etc. Eat a banana. Drink some oolong tea and chew a few pumpkin seeds if you get shaky. Chocolate helps, too. Some days, I worry I will run out like a smoker looks for a butt.

    I like the tractor joke. But, it could use a better opening line, perhaps. :)

    Why do we feel like we are disappointing the world when we are human like so many others here? I often disassociate myself from the world, not because I think I am better but because I don’t want to “get stupid.” I want to do better and be smarter than those who flop before me and think it’s fun and games. Some people do such stupid things and risk so much waste. I just try not to go there. But, then I do something stupid like ruin my left arm. How smart I am now.

    Cheer up, jester. You don’t have to put on a show every week. But, when the time is right, you’ll summon a spotlight and earn your applause.

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    • Thank you, for all of that, every last word. It’s better today, but as you say, it is a roller coaster.
      I’m glad you are starting to look back at the bad days, that means you are moving forward. I promise you, every day does get better when you are recovering. You might not be your old self again, you might be different, but you will still be ‘you’.
      I love that last line, it made me smile :)

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      • How can one move forward when looking back? I’d be a lousy conductor if my eyes were on the tracks behind my cars.

        I would disagree with that. One day I feel I’ve made progress. The next I see myself in the mirror and feel like I’ve done nothing. So, every next day is better? Nope. Can’t say that.

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