Understanding

It’s been a minute since I’ve been here. I’d like to tell you it’s because I’ve been doing ok, but the reality is I’ve been doing the same, I just haven’t had much time to write.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, thinking about doing things that I never quite seem to get done.

I’ve been thinking about my Mum and how this time last year we were approaching the end of a long road, only we didn’t know it then.

I’ve been thinking of all the things I did, and all the things I feel I could have done better, beating myself up and crying myself to sleep over the what ifs. But the reality is it’s over. It’s too late to go back and stupid to dwell on hindsight. But still I do it.

I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I have mental health issues. It’s actually quite freeing to be able to say that. There’s nothing wrong with being me, because, well I am me, flawed but fully functional. There is a lot to be thankful for.

I have a lot of work to do, which involves challenging my thinking and how I deal with situations. I need to make peace with myself regarding my Mum and realise that then, at that time, I did the best I could, and that’s all anyone can ask.

I’ll write about things here, but I don’t want pity or sympathy, I just want somewhere safe to go so I can note things down in order to try and make sense of them. I love the term getting my metaphorical ducks in a row, so I’ll use it.

I’m ok. I’ll always be ok, because I know that despite how dark it gets sometimes, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and a million reasons to get up in the morning.

Once we realise there is a problem, we can begin to fix it.

26 thoughts on “Understanding

  1. What ifs are little bastards that will eat away at your soul piece by piece until all you see is failure and all you feel is regret. It’s taken me a very long time to be able to look back on the past and understand and accept that whatever events happened I or others did the best we could at that time with what we had at that time.
    At 63 I am still a work in progress. I am my most harshest critic and I’m working on being kinder to myself, after all I am the only me there will ever be faults and all.
    Go easy on yourself, you also are the only you ever created and that makes you special.

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    • Oh good grief, imagine if there were two of me, now that would be a headache lol
      It’s true though, it’s all about acceptance isn’t it and it’s acceptance of ourselves. I don’t think it matters how long it takes us to get there as long as we arrive at some point.
      Thanks for being my companion on the road they call work in progress :)

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  2. Did you see the picture I put on FB the other day with the little duckies wearing cupcake liners as tiny dresses? Just in case you need a smile. 🙂
    But yes, you are perfect just as you are and we love you. ❤

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  3. Well! My oldest and dearest friend. Life is always a challenge and always has been. We are put on this earth for a reason and there is always a light at the end of a tunnel, struggling always makes us stronger and how we overcome this will path our future. My door, my home, my heart and my soul is forever open to you, Another family on the other side of the world is here whenever you need us. It’s only 22 hrs away, ❤️ You xxxx

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  4. Every story is different, but I see we have something in common. Anniversaries of those we love passing are always hard. My Dad passed away suddenly 2 years ago on Oct 26. My mom followed him on Dec 17 the same year. It will never leave you, but it does get easier. The “what ifs” will become easier to come to grips with. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way. Give yourself permission to cry and do it your way. The sadness still feels fresh sometimes and I still cry myself to sleep on occasion. Hang in there.

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