Understanding

It’s been a minute since I’ve been here. I’d like to tell you it’s because I’ve been doing ok, but the reality is I’ve been doing the same, I just haven’t had much time to write.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, thinking about doing things that I never quite seem to get done.

I’ve been thinking about my Mum and how this time last year we were approaching the end of a long road, only we didn’t know it then.

I’ve been thinking of all the things I did, and all the things I feel I could have done better, beating myself up and crying myself to sleep over the what ifs. But the reality is it’s over. It’s too late to go back and stupid to dwell on hindsight. But still I do it.

I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I have mental health issues. It’s actually quite freeing to be able to say that. There’s nothing wrong with being me, because, well I am me, flawed but fully functional. There is a lot to be thankful for.

I have a lot of work to do, which involves challenging my thinking and how I deal with situations. I need to make peace with myself regarding my Mum and realise that then, at that time, I did the best I could, and that’s all anyone can ask.

I’ll write about things here, but I don’t want pity or sympathy, I just want somewhere safe to go so I can note things down in order to try and make sense of them. I love the term getting my metaphorical ducks in a row, so I’ll use it.

I’m ok. I’ll always be ok, because I know that despite how dark it gets sometimes, there is always light at the end of the tunnel and a million reasons to get up in the morning.

Once we realise there is a problem, we can begin to fix it.

Smiling despite it all…

dog smiling

Writing my post last night, and all the funny comments that followed really made my night. I went to bed with a smile on my face, the first in a long time.

It reminded me how I used to be, I felt a spark of my old self.

I wish you had all known me before my accident and the birth of Alien leg. In essence I was, and always will be the same person, but I was a little more carefree and a lot more fun.

There have been a lot of changes over the last couple of years, and the stresses of everyday life sometimes takes it’s toal. Both physically and mentally I am no longer the same person. I’ve had to grow up, while learning to adjust to my hopefully temporary disability.

There are some things I will always be stuck with, like anxiety and worry, they are now ingrained in me, perhaps they always were, because looking back I cannot remember a time when I did not worry. That said, these days I seem more able to put things into perspective and employ coping mechanisms. There are other more important things to deal with.

Home life has been the biggest change, even since the time of starting this blog. It is also the main reason why sometimes I do not blog. We have to approach life one day at a time, as the mood of the Mothership determines the mood of everyone else in the household. Sometimes I am mentally drained and incapable of sensible thought never mind writing.

Someday I will write about these things, I need to, it’s not healthy to keep it bottled up, but for now it is not something I feel comfortable doing, even though this is my space.

There are days I resent the fact that I have become a carer, yet other days I just get on with it. Lately I have become resigned to the fact that this is now my life and I am trying to deal with it as best I can. Perhaps this is what has been mapped out for me.

You may not have liked the person I was before, but I loved to laugh and make people laugh. I was always a thinker, but I chose to write my thoughts rather then speak them. I was relatively funny, but better when I had someone to spark off, a partner in crime so to speak.

Last night the interaction and laughter gave me hope that perhaps someday I will be able to return to the person I was pre injury.

friendship_quote
Image from notable-quotes.com

I like the fact that I can write this post and still be smiling and feel positive, despite everything. Perhaps the fog of depression that has hung above me since my accident is now starting to clear and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you to each and every person who has helped to guide me towards it. You kept on pushing me forwards. In the words of Owl City, it certainly does feel like every day like I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightening bugs!

Keep smiling eejits! :)

 

Looking Back!

8287142040_fa7ea19f4a_mAfter my earlier post and much discussion in the office about my new shoes  it got me thinking. I have been back in work almost 5 months now and although I am far from being better, I am also much improved.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I very rarely “Always look on the bright side of life”, I tend to worry more about where I am going as opposed to how far I have come.

It’s been almost a year since my accident. Eight months ago I would never have imagined being where I am now. I thought my world had ended.

My next appointment is in a weeks time and I dread it. What if I go and they tell me they have found something on my scan and I have to go for more surgery. What if my now slightly higher than before kneecap is not right and has to be realigned. what if, what if, what if…..

I realised today I have pretty much lived my life from one appointment to the next. I can’t make plans. It’s a weight on my shoulders.

Aside from the fact of more surgery, there are other things to consider. More sick leave means going onto half pay again. Bills still need to be paid. It could also mean warnings from work.

But I can walk, that is the main thing here. Sure I may have a limp or not be able to do all the things I previously did, but I am walking. I’ve been through the toughest 7 months of my life and come out the other side.

I need to breathe and remember it is a long road to full recovery. There are many people fighting different battles and they do it with a smile because there is always hope.


Picture credit Bryce Johnson – click picture for more info