Tag: Blogging

Happy New Year

The Indecisive Eejit17 Comments

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Most years I try to write something as one year passes into another and this year should be no different. It’s not that I am bitter or anything, but I certainly won’t be sad to see the back end of 2016.

This won’t be a long post as sadly tonight finds me suffering from some kind of bug or other, my second dose within the last month, which leaves me unable to stay upright for long periods of time. Certainly not the fresh start I hoped for 2017, but I’d be grateful to be proved wrong.

2016 was certainly a year of many ups and downs, not only in the world in general but also in my personal life. It wasn’t all bad, I finally made steps towards getting counselling which can only be a good thing, for my mental well being anyway. It was however the year we lost the Mothership after her battle with dementia. There is no doubt things are different, in fact sometimes it still does not feel real, but we just have to adjust and get on with things as best we can in the hope that each day gets easier. She certainly wouldn’t want me moping, so I need to give myself a good kick up the arse when I do. I hope the saying about time being a great healer is true.

In terms of blogging I have pretty much been absent this year, the first half being dominated by looking after Mum and then since November grieving for her, I wasn’t in the right head space to put very many words to paper. I’m not even going to promise that I will improve next year, I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

So let me wish you all a Happy New Year and here’s to 2017, let’s hope it’s better :)

What’s next?

The Indecisive Eejit21 Comments

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This is my little space, this place right here. It’s been a long time since I actually looked at it on anything other than a mobile phone.

I’m sitting here tonight and Steve’s Radio show is playing in the background, the tweets are flying and my ears are being assaulted by Christmas music. It almost feels normal, even though I know deep down it’s not. The events of the last few months have taken their toll on me and I think I am only starting to realise it now.

I miss my friends here and the community and looking at my page and listening to Steve has reminded me of that, but I don’t think I am the same person that I was before and I am not sure what I am going to write here now. My counselling is teaching me that I no longer need to please others, I simply need to please myself. As a result of that do I let go and write what I want to, all those random and strange little thoughts that float around in my brain that no one else would understand….that I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t feel that giving up is an option, I like being here and if I can make just one person smile, laugh or feel something then I am content. I’ve said so many times before that nowhere else on the internet will you find such a diverse group of people who band together and stand together, helping people, sometimes without even realising it.

Someone asked me when I wrote the post about my Mum passing why I closed off the comments. I gave it some thought and explained that firstly, emotionally I was not going to be able to answer all the comments, I needed to write it and move on, and secondly, because I didn’t need people to put in writing what I knew they would be feeling.This community always has my back, have always had my back. I’ve been fixed when I was broken and been lifted when I fell. They have made me smile when I shed tears and shed tears when I was smiling. I just knew, and I didn’t know how to cope with what I knew was coming.

Things have changed. I miss my Mum and I am adjusting to life without her. It’s harder than I thought but I will get there. I am ready for life to go back to normal and for people to stop sympathising. I need space to breathe and gather my own thoughts. I need to get myself fully immersed back into work so I can go back to doing all the other little bits and pieces that need done.

New year, New me. How many times have I said that before. This time last year I was not in counselling so here’s hoping!

I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but I hope you stick around to find out. No matter what you can bet it’ll be a roller coaster, so buckle up bitches!

Making referrals

The Indecisive Eejit70 Comments

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When I am absent from the blog for a while I feel like a stranger when I come back, despite the fact it is my own space.

I’ve found it really hard to write this last couple of weeks, the ideas keep coming, but I just never seem to get time  to sit down, or when I do something else has happened and I am no longer in the mood. A war of words with the Mothership will do that to you.

A few weeks ago I finally made the decision to have myself referred for counselling, although my boss had also decided that if I didn’t they would anyway. So far I have had two assessments in quick succession, and I’ll now have to wait to find out which kind of counsellor I am being referred to, that could take 12 weeks, but at least I am in the system.

I need to do this. In the first session I cried for the whole 45 minutes and even though I am usually uncomfortable talking about myself, I tried to be as honest as I could. At the second assessment the lady really gave me something to think about, she asked about experiences I had been through. I though I was pretty unremarkable, but when I answered the questions I was able to say I had seen someone die, had a friend murdered and witnessed someone attempting to commit suicide. She wrote frantically at that point, even though I said I didn’t think any of those events had shaped my life, but how do I know.

At the end of the session I asked her if I was just wasting everyone’s time being there, because in my head I didn’t feel that what I am going through warranted their time, but she assured me it did, and told me I had done the right thing. She was also able to tell from the way I answered the questions that I lack confidence, which lifted a weight off my shoulders, because that is one of the things I would like to address.

Although I am scared about what is to come because several people have told me this will not be an easy process, I feel better that I have finally been brave enough to try. It certainly can’t make things any worse.

You will however be glad to know that she was full of approval with regards to the fact that I write a blog. I was particularly glowing in my description of you all, saying how beneficial I found it, and it was nice that she got it and understood, because not everyone does. She says I need to keep writing because it’s a good way to get things out in the open as opposed to bottling them up. How I do that I don’t know, because I am not sure here is the place for that. I think perhaps that as I start to change so will the blog and perhaps that is no bad things as long as I can keep an element of humour running though it. I told her I miss my funny and want to find it again.

So my hope is that I will be a little more regular here, but then again I always say that and it never happens, so for now I won’t be making any Mid Year Resolutions, I’m just going to see how it goes.

Missed you all :)

SSDD but that’s life!

The Indecisive Eejit34 Comments

Yet again it’s hard to believe it’s been almost three weeks since I sat down to write. As usual, it’s not because I didn’t want to,  I think about writing all the time, it just never happens.

Last week I had this crazy idea that I was going to carry my lap top to work with me, take a half day  and spend the afternoon somewhere in the city with a cup of coffee while leeching free WiFi off the person who provided it, blogging away to my hearts content about all that was going on around me. It never happened, there are usually conflicting interests these days, something always needs done that is slightly more important than anything else.

I’ve been struggling lately, home life has been.. I dunno actually, how do I describe it, well lets just say things are not getting any better. There is just no escape from it, hence the reason behind my wish for an impromptu afternoon. Every day I lose a little bit more of my free time, I’ll only have just sat down  before the Mothership comes a knocking, which makes me want to knock my head repeatedly against a wall. The worst bit is that lately she has been more vocal, so when she’s shouting at me that I do nothing for her while sucking up my free time, well you get the drift right, there is only so much counting to ten a sane person can do. It’s exhausting.

Work has been hectic, relentless sometimes, but yesterday was the first time I’ve worked a weekend in a while and even then I only worked for half a day. I don’t want to be in the position where I have too much time again.

I need to stop getting so stressed out about simple things, I feel like such a second rate citizen sometimes, like I am lagging behind, even though everyone tells me that is not the case. Lack of sleep honestly has a lot to answer for, it makes everything seem worse than it actually is. Last night I was so tired I got into bed at 8.30pm and set my alarm for 30 mins just so I could have a nap to tide me over till the Mothership came up for the bedtime routine. At one point in the midst of all the shouting when she finally did come up, I was begging her just to go to bed because I was so tired. By the time I eventually got everything sorted I was wide awake again, go figure. Yet without fail I’ll be woken at 7am the next morning with her screaming because shock feckin horror the Fathership is trying to wash her hands.

There have however been little glimmers of the good stuff in the middle of the mire. I’ve got Spotify premium, well I have it for 3 months anyway owing to the fact that it was on offer at 99p! I know fine well that I am going to be gutted when the trial runs out, but I’m not sure I can justify spending £9.99 a month. So if you have any chilled out music you think I might like then please let me know, I am always looking for additions to my Songs for Writing playlist.

I also had to get a new mobile phone which meant going back onto a contract. Mine was working not too bad, the only problem was it had completely run out of internal memory, even with all the non essential apps removed. So far so good the new one is much better, and ladies believe me, that extra half inch makes all the difference…..screen size ya dirty buggers! I do however miss my little notification light, there is no more blinking when someone from the outside world tries to contact me, instead I have to touch the phone but hey ho, I’ll get used to it.

It’s good  to be back, I’ve missed you guys :)

~

*SSDD – same shit, different day :)

Keeping you in the loop!

The Indecisive Eejit42 Comments

 

It looks like there will be no more breaking wind! Well not with the right hair colour anyway, it would seem that Bitstrips on Facebook is no more.

I am devastated, I loved using their little cartoons to brighten up my blog. You’ll have to bear with me until I get used to the newer version which is only available on the phone, Breaking news is most likely to become ‘Guess What’

I perhaps do not look as deathly pale in the newer one as I did in the old, although I still look a bit gormless which is good.

Gormless (British Informal) – Lacking sense or initiative; foolish

Kinda fits right!?

So what’s been happening I hear you ask, well actually quite a lot and then again not a lot at the same time. It’s been busy, but my days have been filled with work and then all the other crap at home, there has been little time for either blogging or merry making.

This past weekend was a tough one emotionally, two mornings in a row I was woken up before even the birds had given their first chirp with Mothership issues. We got them sorted, but being yanked out of sleep like that has a knock on effect for the whole day. I tend to regress into myself when things like that happen, a side effect of the anxiety perhaps. No matter how calmly or cleverly we deal with the situation, the guilt always comes knocking, even after everything has calmed down.

I was thinking a lot about my blog over the weekend too, seems to be that thinking is all I do at the minute because I am getting very little time to write. I’m not sure how I keep writing for what I effectively want to be known as a ‘Humour’ blog when all I actually want to do most nights is either bang my head repeatedly against a wall or hide under the duvet. So if things seem a little up and down at the minute it’s because I am currently teetering in the middle of a see-saw trying to find the correct balance between everything and trying not to lose either myself or my sense of humour in the process. It’s not feckin easy sometimes.

For those of you who are wondering, the tooth removal went ok thank you very much, despite the fact it took three injections before there was any numbness. I like my Dentist, she seemed to just go with the flow as I sat in the chair and rambled on…and on….and on. Scale and polish done and dusted and it was time for the grand finale. Through half closed eyes I saw her advance towards me with a pair of what looked suspiciously like BBQ tongs, at that point I shut my eyes completely. After a bit of hauling and twisting she tells her assistant she will need a bigger pair and I’m thinking I need a bigger pair too…of pants, cos I’m a fart away from filling the ones I am wearing, I’m that scared.

A few more hauls, yanks and twists and turns and out comes the tooth. I was a little disappointed there was no audible pop, just a ripping noise….*shudders* I asked the assistant if I could take the tooth home, she looked a little curious as to why I might want to do this, so I told her I was going to smash it with a hammer. Seemed kinda therapeutic to me considering that it was anxiety that caused me to lose the tooth in the fist place. In the end I didn’t do anything other than toss it in the trash. I’ve a huge hole…oo er mrs!!

I’m sure I probably had more to tell you, but to be honest I’ve run out of steam and it’s time to go and feed the Ships.

Hope everything is fine and dandy with the rest of you. Be sure to let me know about any REALLY exciting things in the comments.

Till next time eejits!

 

I am three!

The Indecisive Eejit86 Comments

It’s true, I am three, well not me, my blog, but you knew that anyway right!?

On each of my previous birthdays, namely my first and second I commented on how amazed I was that I had made it this far and yet here I am still, that is remarkable indeed, because in the grand scheme of things I usually give up on things that I consider to be a fad, and back in the early days I foolishly thought that was what this was. How wrong was I.

In the course of three years I have amassed 1004 followers, most of whom I hope are real, written 465 posts which have been viewed 34, 428 times and there have been over 18, 000 visitors who have commented over 8000 times. Not bad for a lass from the back of beyond with pretty much nothing between her ears. Clearly you people don’t get out enough.

Just this week during a conversation someone asked me what my blog was about, I gave that some thought, in fact I gave it quite a lot of thought and still could not come up with an answer. I don’t believe there is one thing that defines my little place here, but I hope if there is, it’s laughter. Even in the midst of all the crap that goes on around me I try to laugh, because honestly if I didn’t I’d cry.

Even though I don’t have the same amount of time now that I did when I first started the blog, it remains something I want to try and keep making time for. I feel truly blessed because I have gained so many things, new friends, who I believe will be friends for a life, a larger and more diverse music collection, people who understand just how difficult life can be sometimes and forgive you when you’re not around. There’s also Steve’s radio show which has fast become the highlight of my Saturday night. It’s all the small things that help me make it through.

Sometimes I think about giving up, because words fail me. I want to write, but on certain days there is just nothing to say. On those days I read and I remember that if I were not here I would no longer be part of this community that I have grown to love and consider myself very fortunate to be a part of.

When I was two I finished my post on the following line, and as it is still apt today I want to use it again. Simply put it was a comment on the the fact that I am still here is nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you, my lovely eejits, I would be lost without you all!

Something you want to know?

The Indecisive Eejit34 Comments

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While writing a post a while ago, who knows which one, I made a comment about being able to get to know people just by what they write on their blog. By picking up all the little snippits of information we are able to build a picture, whether it be the right one or the wrong one. At that time I realised that I don’t share an awful lot of information about myself, well certainly not that I am aware of. There are certain aspects of my life that I will always keep secret, like the village in which I live for example, I already have one someone who follows me around the house, I certainly don’t need anyone else, besides my farts stink, you’d have to be extremely brave.

That’s just one example, but obviously there are things that none of us would want to share in a public forum, I’m not exciting enough to have secrets, lies or hidden video tapes…mores the pity. That said, there may be things you are curious about and always wanted to ask but didn’t like to. There may also be nothing and I am more of an open book than I think I am.

I mulled over this idea for a while and mentioned it to a couple of other people, and while having a commenting conversation last night with Michael from Morpethroad he reminded me of it again when he told me he had learned something new about me. So with that in mind, I’m going to give you the opportunity to ask me any question you like, within reason of course, and bearing in mind some of my family members read this.

Was there something you were curious about? Something random you want to know? Well then now is a good opportunity to ask. I’m not sure whether to answer in the comments or make a post of the replies, I guess it depends how many people are nosey….erm  of course I meant curious. It’ll probably be the comments.

Over to you…..if you can be arsed.

~~

Ralph – If you are reading this, I am stepping away from my duties as an international women of mystery for one day. Still no photo though, unless you follow me on Facebook :)

Success – I’ve scheduled this post, so if you’re reading this I did it correctly! Woohoo the Eejit learns new tricks!

Michael – Until the time of writing this post I believed your blog was called Morph the Road, what an eejit eh, apparently my eyes and brain do not work in harmony. Doh!!

A Songful Saturday!

The Indecisive Eejit37 Comments

Happy Saturday people, what you at? I bet you’re surprised to see me here at this early hour, it is after all only 20.45pm. I’m surprised to see myself…….every time I look in the mirror! Boom Boom!

So why am I on so early, Well it’s like this, I’m listening to music, but not just any old music. I’m listening to my good friend Steve from Talk About Pop Music hosting his Saturday night request show.

If you’re currently blogging and want to join in you can tune in HERE!

Want a song played, well then you can contact him via Twitter @stevesays2014 or leave a comment on his Radio post for this week HERE!

Tune in, sure it’s great craic!

Smiling Gratitude – Week One

The Indecisive Eejit37 Comments

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Two of the blogs I follow have come up with interesting ideas to help make us all feel a little happier in the New Year.

My good friend over at A Prompt Reply has started 52 Weeks of Gratitude and Trent over at Trent’s World has started Weekly Smile. Now I’m not saying I’ll be able to participate in both of these regularly, because we all know I suck at being regular, but I think that sometimes in the midst of the mire it’s not a bad idea to sit down and remember that there are good times.

Seeing as these two challenges are similar in design and I am strapped for time….busy…ok, lazy, I though I would scrunch them together under the heading Smiling Gratitude.

So what am I grateful for this week I hear you ask, well that’s simple, Blog Friends.

If I had never decided to start a blog (Yes yes Paul, thank you once again, I know you forced me into it!) I would never have met so many wonderful people.

Where else in the world would you get a community who just is, exists, and manages to do so without killing each other (that I know of anyway). Free advice, support, hugs and love come as standard and if you need an extensive knowledge base to question, well look no further.

They say you get what you give, but here, even on days when you have nothing to offer you still receive and are welcomed home with open arms after long absences.

There is comedy, drama, music, and entertainment a plenty.

This week I smile with an attitude of gratitude for all the friends I have met through the wonderful world of WordPress.

Stats just the way it is!

The Indecisive Eejit62 Comments

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I hardly ever read my Stats anymore, I mean come on, when I don’t post as often as I used to what do I expect. It long ceased being about the views etc for me, as I’ve said many times before, it’s now all about the community.

I’ve been absent on and off a lot this year, Here There Be Spiders touched loosely on this in  one of her comments to me saying “I know when I get overwhelmed the blog is one of the first things to suffer – but when I do post, it helps so much!” She is 100% correct in what she says, I am exactly the same way, it’s just one more thing to have to deal with, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

The other night I was wrought with anxiety, so much so it was making me feel sick, what can I say, it’s a been a rocky few weeks in the Eejit household, with more to come. One thing I am learning about Dementia is that it cannot be trusted, it’s a sneaky little fecker. Never, ever think that your day is going ok, because when you do and your guard is down, the little git sucker punches you. Anyway, back to my story. I paced the train platform, finally boarding when it arrived, and sat down for the beginning of my journey home. I flicked up the reader, something I hadn’t done in a while. With every post I read I felt my anxiety lift just a little, because reading about the goings on of everyone else took my mind off my own. I realised then how much I missed it, the blogging, the interaction, everything, it was like someone had give me a hug.

So I know you think I’m getting off course here, seeing as how I started this post about my blogs Statistical endeavors. I, like everyone else received the WordPress e-mail about my progress in 2015. Out of everything, the only thing that stood out to me was the fact that I had only written 88 posts throughout the whole of the year. To me, that’s a clear indication of my dwindling free time.

Here’s how it stacks up:

2013 – Birth year (March 2013) – 201 published posts -granted they were mostly shite, but still, not a bad effort.

2014 – 163 published posts – there may have been some readable ones in there if I was lucky.

2015 – 88 – That’s shocking, although perhaps I can console myself with the fact that it was more about quality than quantity? That’s my excuse anyway.

I’m still not going to make resolutions, seriously, I suck at those, but I know for certain I’m going to try really hard to write more than 88 posts this year. I’m going to be really forward thinking and try for 89, anything after that is a bonus!

I need to try and be a little more organised and perhaps make more use of the drafts and scheduler so that I can hide away little posts for the days when my brain is mush. I need to try and read more, interact more and just be here more. Not because I think you lot can’t live without me, but because I don’t think I can live without you.

As usual I am making no promises, I have long ago given up trying to figure out what this life has in store for me. I just have to keep on keeping on like everyone else.

I’ll keep being me if you promise to keep being you. ‘Stats’ all anyone can ask of us :)