I am Six

I am 6. Well technically I was 6 in maybe March, but it has taken me this long to get around to acknowledging it. Thank you WordPress for the reminder.

This year there was even less fan fare than when I was five. I’ve been here so little of late that it seemed pointless to post about it, but actually there is a point, regardless of how much or how little I post, I am still here six years later. Initially I didn’t believe that I would even last six days, so that in itself is some kind of achievement right!?

There are people who have been here for the same length of time I have, and they have celebrated many successes and in one case a million followers. Those people deserve it because blogging is hard work and they have put in the effort while at the same time always being there to offer assistance and guidance to others. I am in awe of both their talent and time.

Success for me is on a much smaller more personal level. I love this place, whether I am silently reading posts or giggling at a comment someone has put on one of mine. I might have been silent but I have been here.

I love the people I have met, seriously my followers are awesome, they are always there with words of wisdom and encouragement. They pick me up when I am down and raise me higher when I am not. They have been a source of entertainment and enlightenment and that has by far been the highlight of my time blogging.

The arrival of each birthday brings with it a series of questions that I ask myself. They mainly centre around whether I need this space any more and whether I have a place here. I believe there is a place here for everyone. While my life is not very exciting and I have little to share that will amaze and astound, I still have things to say. Whilst I mainly direct my writing at myself these days, if even one other person can empathise or understand then isn’t it worth it, even if it helps me realise that I am not alone.

The last six years have been a journey. Sometimes it has been an uphill struggle, but I’m still battling on, I have never given up, not here and not in life. That is something I need to give myself credit for.

While I don’t have a lot to say and I don’t visit as much as I should, each time I open a blank post I still feel that tingle of excitement, that familiar buzz of possibility. I write in my head constantly, weaving snippets of words and thoughts, but more often than not that is where they remain. I need to be better at letting them flow to my fingertips.

In my time here I have written 543 posts, been viewed over 50,000 times, had 23,000 visitors, 10, 501 comments and amassed 1,442 followers.

I am six, but I need you to know that I could never have made it this far without all of you. I need you to know that you are loved, more than you know.

Thank you!

Feeling Strange

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

I am Four!

It was pretty amazing for me when I made it to the end of one year of blogging, even more amazing that I managed to survive another couple of years despite what was going on in my life. Now, I am four, who would have thought, certainly not me!

While I might not have written my very first post until the 31st March 2013, I had registered the name, which at that time was ‘The Geeky G4mer’. Even in that very first post, I made excuses which paved the way for me more than likely giving up on this new fad, but I didn’t, I am still here.

The last four years have been pretty rough, some of it will be documented on this blog and some of it on others, where I shared my experiences of being a carer for someone with Dementia. Writing from the heart wasn’t always pretty, hence my decision to keep those posts away from here. It didn’t really matter where I wrote, as long as I did, because on many days that was my saving grace, the thing that kept me going.

Had life not intervened the way it did I may have been a blogging superstar by now, these days there are people in the same position as me who have been blogging for only six months, or perhaps even less. I’m quite content to not be a superstar, it’s hard enough being me sometimes. That fame malarky is definitely not the road for an introvert to travel.

I am not, nor will I ever be a magnificent writer, I simply want to entertain and write about life, which can be hard sometimes, because it’s far from perfect despite what some people would have us believe. The difference is the way that people deal with the cards that they have been dealt and every day here, I see examples of people who despite what they hide still manage to put a smile on their faces and carry on regardless with the intention of putting a smile on ours.

Stepping into both blogging and the WordPress community can be daunting at first, but for those of you who are new, my advice would be never give up. Hold on to what you believe in and most importantly never lose sight of why you started your blog. Write for yourself and no one else, the rest will come with time. Open yourself up to this amazing community, there is nowhere else that you will find such a diverse bunch of people who probably shouldn’t work but do. There is always someone to help, comfort, teach and guide, you just have to interact and ask, never be afraid, we have all been where you are now.

In the last four years I have written 500 posts, quite fitting that this should be number 501. I have 1,220 followers, my page has seen 21, 069 visitors with 43, 941 views. There have been 9, 312 comments, with some still pending. That’s amazing, and I am extremely grateful for every follow, like and person who has stopped by whether they commented or not. But for me, what is more important are the people I have met, the friends I have made and the posts I have read that have made me smile, laugh, cry and remember that I am not alone in this world. More importantly it has reminded me I am loved and despite the fact that I am not a magnificent writer, I have things to say that people want to read.

I am four, but only because you all helped me. Thank you, words can never express how grateful I am to have had you all at my side.

Here’s to another 365 days of blogging! Happy blog anniversary to us.

Happy New Year

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Most years I try to write something as one year passes into another and this year should be no different. It’s not that I am bitter or anything, but I certainly won’t be sad to see the back end of 2016.

This won’t be a long post as sadly tonight finds me suffering from some kind of bug or other, my second dose within the last month, which leaves me unable to stay upright for long periods of time. Certainly not the fresh start I hoped for 2017, but I’d be grateful to be proved wrong.

2016 was certainly a year of many ups and downs, not only in the world in general but also in my personal life. It wasn’t all bad, I finally made steps towards getting counselling which can only be a good thing, for my mental well being anyway. It was however the year we lost the Mothership after her battle with dementia. There is no doubt things are different, in fact sometimes it still does not feel real, but we just have to adjust and get on with things as best we can in the hope that each day gets easier. She certainly wouldn’t want me moping, so I need to give myself a good kick up the arse when I do. I hope the saying about time being a great healer is true.

In terms of blogging I have pretty much been absent this year, the first half being dominated by looking after Mum and then since November grieving for her, I wasn’t in the right head space to put very many words to paper. I’m not even going to promise that I will improve next year, I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

So let me wish you all a Happy New Year and here’s to 2017, let’s hope it’s better :)

What’s next?

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This is my little space, this place right here. It’s been a long time since I actually looked at it on anything other than a mobile phone.

I’m sitting here tonight and Steve’s Radio show is playing in the background, the tweets are flying and my ears are being assaulted by Christmas music. It almost feels normal, even though I know deep down it’s not. The events of the last few months have taken their toll on me and I think I am only starting to realise it now.

I miss my friends here and the community and looking at my page and listening to Steve has reminded me of that, but I don’t think I am the same person that I was before and I am not sure what I am going to write here now. My counselling is teaching me that I no longer need to please others, I simply need to please myself. As a result of that do I let go and write what I want to, all those random and strange little thoughts that float around in my brain that no one else would understand….that I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t feel that giving up is an option, I like being here and if I can make just one person smile, laugh or feel something then I am content. I’ve said so many times before that nowhere else on the internet will you find such a diverse group of people who band together and stand together, helping people, sometimes without even realising it.

Someone asked me when I wrote the post about my Mum passing why I closed off the comments. I gave it some thought and explained that firstly, emotionally I was not going to be able to answer all the comments, I needed to write it and move on, and secondly, because I didn’t need people to put in writing what I knew they would be feeling.This community always has my back, have always had my back. I’ve been fixed when I was broken and been lifted when I fell. They have made me smile when I shed tears and shed tears when I was smiling. I just knew, and I didn’t know how to cope with what I knew was coming.

Things have changed. I miss my Mum and I am adjusting to life without her. It’s harder than I thought but I will get there. I am ready for life to go back to normal and for people to stop sympathising. I need space to breathe and gather my own thoughts. I need to get myself fully immersed back into work so I can go back to doing all the other little bits and pieces that need done.

New year, New me. How many times have I said that before. This time last year I was not in counselling so here’s hoping!

I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but I hope you stick around to find out. No matter what you can bet it’ll be a roller coaster, so buckle up bitches!

Making referrals

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When I am absent from the blog for a while I feel like a stranger when I come back, despite the fact it is my own space.

I’ve found it really hard to write this last couple of weeks, the ideas keep coming, but I just never seem to get time  to sit down, or when I do something else has happened and I am no longer in the mood. A war of words with the Mothership will do that to you.

A few weeks ago I finally made the decision to have myself referred for counselling, although my boss had also decided that if I didn’t they would anyway. So far I have had two assessments in quick succession, and I’ll now have to wait to find out which kind of counsellor I am being referred to, that could take 12 weeks, but at least I am in the system.

I need to do this. In the first session I cried for the whole 45 minutes and even though I am usually uncomfortable talking about myself, I tried to be as honest as I could. At the second assessment the lady really gave me something to think about, she asked about experiences I had been through. I though I was pretty unremarkable, but when I answered the questions I was able to say I had seen someone die, had a friend murdered and witnessed someone attempting to commit suicide. She wrote frantically at that point, even though I said I didn’t think any of those events had shaped my life, but how do I know.

At the end of the session I asked her if I was just wasting everyone’s time being there, because in my head I didn’t feel that what I am going through warranted their time, but she assured me it did, and told me I had done the right thing. She was also able to tell from the way I answered the questions that I lack confidence, which lifted a weight off my shoulders, because that is one of the things I would like to address.

Although I am scared about what is to come because several people have told me this will not be an easy process, I feel better that I have finally been brave enough to try. It certainly can’t make things any worse.

You will however be glad to know that she was full of approval with regards to the fact that I write a blog. I was particularly glowing in my description of you all, saying how beneficial I found it, and it was nice that she got it and understood, because not everyone does. She says I need to keep writing because it’s a good way to get things out in the open as opposed to bottling them up. How I do that I don’t know, because I am not sure here is the place for that. I think perhaps that as I start to change so will the blog and perhaps that is no bad things as long as I can keep an element of humour running though it. I told her I miss my funny and want to find it again.

So my hope is that I will be a little more regular here, but then again I always say that and it never happens, so for now I won’t be making any Mid Year Resolutions, I’m just going to see how it goes.

Missed you all :)

SSDD but that’s life!

Yet again it’s hard to believe it’s been almost three weeks since I sat down to write. As usual, it’s not because I didn’t want to,  I think about writing all the time, it just never happens.

Last week I had this crazy idea that I was going to carry my lap top to work with me, take a half day  and spend the afternoon somewhere in the city with a cup of coffee while leeching free WiFi off the person who provided it, blogging away to my hearts content about all that was going on around me. It never happened, there are usually conflicting interests these days, something always needs done that is slightly more important than anything else.

I’ve been struggling lately, home life has been.. I dunno actually, how do I describe it, well lets just say things are not getting any better. There is just no escape from it, hence the reason behind my wish for an impromptu afternoon. Every day I lose a little bit more of my free time, I’ll only have just sat down  before the Mothership comes a knocking, which makes me want to knock my head repeatedly against a wall. The worst bit is that lately she has been more vocal, so when she’s shouting at me that I do nothing for her while sucking up my free time, well you get the drift right, there is only so much counting to ten a sane person can do. It’s exhausting.

Work has been hectic, relentless sometimes, but yesterday was the first time I’ve worked a weekend in a while and even then I only worked for half a day. I don’t want to be in the position where I have too much time again.

I need to stop getting so stressed out about simple things, I feel like such a second rate citizen sometimes, like I am lagging behind, even though everyone tells me that is not the case. Lack of sleep honestly has a lot to answer for, it makes everything seem worse than it actually is. Last night I was so tired I got into bed at 8.30pm and set my alarm for 30 mins just so I could have a nap to tide me over till the Mothership came up for the bedtime routine. At one point in the midst of all the shouting when she finally did come up, I was begging her just to go to bed because I was so tired. By the time I eventually got everything sorted I was wide awake again, go figure. Yet without fail I’ll be woken at 7am the next morning with her screaming because shock feckin horror the Fathership is trying to wash her hands.

There have however been little glimmers of the good stuff in the middle of the mire. I’ve got Spotify premium, well I have it for 3 months anyway owing to the fact that it was on offer at 99p! I know fine well that I am going to be gutted when the trial runs out, but I’m not sure I can justify spending £9.99 a month. So if you have any chilled out music you think I might like then please let me know, I am always looking for additions to my Songs for Writing playlist.

I also had to get a new mobile phone which meant going back onto a contract. Mine was working not too bad, the only problem was it had completely run out of internal memory, even with all the non essential apps removed. So far so good the new one is much better, and ladies believe me, that extra half inch makes all the difference…..screen size ya dirty buggers! I do however miss my little notification light, there is no more blinking when someone from the outside world tries to contact me, instead I have to touch the phone but hey ho, I’ll get used to it.

It’s good  to be back, I’ve missed you guys :)

~

*SSDD – same shit, different day :)

Keeping you in the loop!

 

It looks like there will be no more breaking wind! Well not with the right hair colour anyway, it would seem that Bitstrips on Facebook is no more.

I am devastated, I loved using their little cartoons to brighten up my blog. You’ll have to bear with me until I get used to the newer version which is only available on the phone, Breaking news is most likely to become ‘Guess What’

I perhaps do not look as deathly pale in the newer one as I did in the old, although I still look a bit gormless which is good.

Gormless (British Informal) – Lacking sense or initiative; foolish

Kinda fits right!?

So what’s been happening I hear you ask, well actually quite a lot and then again not a lot at the same time. It’s been busy, but my days have been filled with work and then all the other crap at home, there has been little time for either blogging or merry making.

This past weekend was a tough one emotionally, two mornings in a row I was woken up before even the birds had given their first chirp with Mothership issues. We got them sorted, but being yanked out of sleep like that has a knock on effect for the whole day. I tend to regress into myself when things like that happen, a side effect of the anxiety perhaps. No matter how calmly or cleverly we deal with the situation, there is always guilt that comes knocking at the wonky top box, even after everything has calmed down.

I was thinking a lot about my blog over the weekend too, seems to be that thinking is all I do at the minute because I am getting very little time to write. I’m not sure how I keep writing for what I effectively want to be known as a ‘Humour’ blog when all I actually want to do most nights is either bang my head repeatedly against a wall or hide under the duvet. So if things seem a little up and down at the minute it’s because I am currently teetering in the middle of a see-saw trying to find the correct balance between everything and trying not to lose either myself or my sense of humour in the process. It’s not feckin easy sometimes.

For those of you who are wondering, the tooth removal went ok thank you very much, despite the fact it took three injections before there was any numbness. I like my Dentist, she seemed to just go with the flow as I sat in the chair and rambled on…and on….and on. Scale and polish done and dusted and it was time for the grand finale. Through half closed eyes I saw her advance towards me with a pair of what looked suspiciously like BBQ tongs, at that point I shut my eyes completely. After a bit of hauling and twisting she tells her assistant she will need a bigger pair and I’m thinking I need a bigger pair too…of pants, cos I’m a fart away from filling the ones I am wearing, I’m that scared.

A few more hauls, yanks and twists and turns and out comes the tooth. I was a little disappointed there was no audible pop, just a ripping noise….*shudders* I asked the assistant if I could take the tooth home, she looked a little curious as to why I might want to do this, so I told her I was going to smash it with a hammer. Seemed kinda therapeutic to me considering that it was anxiety that caused me to lose the tooth in the fist place. In the end I didn’t do anything other than toss it in the trash. I’ve a huge hole…oo er mrs!!

I’m sure I probably had more to tell you, but to be honest I’ve run out of steam and it’s time to go and feed the Ships.

Hope everything is fine and dandy with the rest of you. Be sure to let me know about any REALLY exciting things in the comments.

Till next time eejits!

 

I am three!

It’s true, I am three, well not me, my blog, but you knew that anyway right!?

On each of my previous birthdays, namely my first and second I commented on how amazed I was that I had made it this far and yet here I am still, that is remarkable indeed, because in the grand scheme of things I usually give up on things that I consider to be a fad, and back in the early days I foolishly thought that was what this was. How wrong was I.

In the course of three years I have amassed 1004 followers, most of whom I hope are real, written 465 posts which have been viewed 34, 428 times and there have been over 18, 000 visitors who have commented over 8000 times. Not bad for a lass from the back of beyond with pretty much nothing between her ears. Clearly you people don’t get out enough.

Just this week during a conversation someone asked me what my blog was about, I gave that some thought, in fact I gave it quite a lot of thought and still could not come up with an answer. I don’t believe there is one thing that defines my little place here, but I hope if there is, it’s laughter. Even in the midst of all the crap that goes on around me I try to laugh, because honestly if I didn’t I’d cry.

Even though I don’t have the same amount of time now that I did when I first started the blog, it remains something I want to try and keep making time for. I feel truly blessed because I have gained so many things, new friends, who I believe will be friends for a life, a larger and more diverse music collection, people who understand just how difficult life can be sometimes and forgive you when you’re not around. There’s also Steve’s radio show which has fast become the highlight of my Saturday night. It’s all the small things that help me make it through.

Sometimes I think about giving up, because words fail me. I want to write, but on certain days there is just nothing to say. On those days I read and I remember that if I were not here I would no longer be part of this community that I have grown to love and consider myself very fortunate to be a part of.

When I was two I finished my post on the following line, and as it is still apt today I want to use it again. Simply put it was a comment on the the fact that I am still here is nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you, my lovely eejits, I would be lost without you all!

Something you want to know?

Questions

While writing a post a while ago, who knows which one, I made a comment about being able to get to know people just by what they write on their blog. By picking up all the little snippits of information we are able to build a picture, whether it be the right one or the wrong one. At that time I realised that I don’t share an awful lot of information about myself, well certainly not that I am aware of. There are certain aspects of my life that I will always keep secret, like the village in which I live for example, I already have one someone who follows me around the house, I certainly don’t need anyone else, besides my farts stink, you’d have to be extremely brave.

That’s just one example, but obviously there are things that none of us would want to share in a public forum, I’m not exciting enough to have secrets, lies or hidden video tapes…mores the pity. That said, there may be things you are curious about and always wanted to ask but didn’t like to. There may also be nothing and I am more of an open book than I think I am.

I mulled over this idea for a while and mentioned it to a couple of other people, and while having a commenting conversation last night with Michael from Morpethroad he reminded me of it again when he told me he had learned something new about me. So with that in mind, I’m going to give you the opportunity to ask me any question you like, within reason of course, and bearing in mind some of my family members read this.

Was there something you were curious about? Something random you want to know? Well then now is a good opportunity to ask. I’m not sure whether to answer in the comments or make a post of the replies, I guess it depends how many people are nosey….erm  of course I meant curious. It’ll probably be the comments.

Over to you…..if you can be arsed.

~~

Ralph – If you are reading this, I am stepping away from my duties as an international women of mystery for one day. Still no photo though, unless you follow me on Facebook :)

Success – I’ve scheduled this post, so if you’re reading this I did it correctly! Woohoo the Eejit learns new tricks!

Michael – Until the time of writing this post I believed your blog was called Morph the Road, what an eejit eh, apparently my eyes and brain do not work in harmony. Doh!!