Tag: Blogging

The end of the year…..almost

The Indecisive Eejit7 Comments
Photo by Kristina Paukshtite on Pexels.com

I mean nothing says Christmas like a tiny car with a wee tree on top, right!? It was just too cute not to use : )

So this is an unexpected guest appearance, it’s saying something when even I feel like a guest on my own blog. Way back at the start of the year when I wrote my 2021 in review post, the only goal I set myself was to write 6 posts throughout 2022. I didn’t manage it, this one, brings me to a grand total of 5, that said, it’s better than none, so I am going to celebrate that small victory.

It was a busy year, lots of training new folk in work, very few days off and the fact that the days melted into weeks and then into months and now it’s Christmas already and we’re rushing towards New Year like a wee tree on top of a tiny car.

Next year is going to bring more challenges, I finally have a date for my second surgery, which is good news I guess, but I worry what comes next, forced menopause and the possibility of anxiety spikes is not something I am really looking forward to, but I just have to take each day as it comes.

I’d like to say I will have more time to write, actually I can say with certainty that I will have more time to write, certainly following surgery, but whether I do it or not is another thing, I’m not going to make any promises or set any goals this year, which means that every post that magically appears is a bonus.

I suppose in some ways, this is a mini 2022 in review post, there really wasn’t much to say after all, it was pretty much all work and no play.

There were however definite highlights to the year, I made some new friends, and perhaps even a special one. I reconnected with some old ones and I’m still here to annoy the living daylights out of you lot…..you are welcome!

I miss you my blog family and I wish you all a very merry holiday season and my sincerest best wishes for 2023 should I not see you before.

The Eejit : ) x

What the f*** is going on?

The Indecisive Eejit19 Comments
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Sometimes I shy away from writing things. I’ll think about it for a few days, maybe even go as far as getting a notebook out to jot down a couple of sentences, but usually that’s where it stops. So instead of letting it out, I bottle it up.

I’ve said here countless times, that my writing should be for me and no one else. It’s supposed to be a tool to release all that pent up whatever the feck it is that is pent up inside me. Yet still I don’t do it, I tell myself I’ll do it the next day or the day after that but that day never comes and I find something else to fill the time when I should have been writing.

I think I have a fairly large bottle. I can absorb quite a lot before it becomes full. There’s my stuff and I’ve quite a bit going on. There’s other peoples stuff, because they like to think I am a fixer, that I can bring things back together no matter what it is. There’s the clown, because I have to wear a mask and make other people happy, even though I am struggling myself. Then there is the sponge, that magic place inside me that soaks up all of peoples problems, because it’s easier for them to offload than to actually deal with it. Oh look, here comes the fixer!

Do I and my many facets mind this? Normally, no. I like to feel useful, I like to be helpful and sometimes it’s also nice to be needed. But when all of those things collide and everyone needs everything all at once, well then my bottle starts to fill up pretty quick and I start to feel like I am drowning.

I can feel the quick fill starting. This newest anxiety spike will not give me peace. Between work and fighting an infection last week I am so tired. My brain pieces together all the little things people tell me I do wrong and convinces me I am the worst person in the world. Comments made, perhaps just in passing make me doubt myself and the things I do.

My magic sponge absorbs it all and I say nothing.

But here’s the thing. There are small changes inside me, little glimmers of hope that a few of my brain cells are showing signs of resistance. Perhaps that is what happens when ones bottle becomes full, you move from quiet acceptance to wanting to jump up and down while screaming ‘well if you don’t like it f*** off’ and believe me, there have been a few times this week I have wanted to scream just that. I didn’t mind you….well not yet anyway. As someone great once said, sadly, I don’t know who, ‘all great things start with small changes’ and that is very true.

Something else that is true is that I should write more when I need to, because it really is a good release. Better out that in, and now it’s out, I feel better already!

Spring Clean time maybe?

The Indecisive Eejit13 Comments
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

I think for me there is a certain time of the year when all things spring clean related start to happen. Now when I say they start to happen, I mean I start to think about it, it doesn’t always happen happen, if you catch my drift. The days are getting longer and the snowdrops in the garden have started to poke through so that gives me hope that spring is on the way.

On this occasion I am actually talking about a spring clean of my blog, so thankfully that’s a task I can do while sitting down, I’m marginally clever sometimes when I want to be, I don’t want to overdo it after all ffs.

I’ve been reading a few posts of late about the do’s and don’ts when it comes to your blog. I kinda think that after 8 years I’ve probably pretty much got all the don’ts covered so perhaps it’s time to cautiously approach the do’s.

The first one I read was about updating the About page, so I thought that’s a good place to start, it’s been a while since I have given it any attention, it does after all say I am in my early 40’s and that is soooo last year, or last 10….oh never mind. So I load it up and have a look and you know what I still like it, and I think to myself how many people will really read it anyway. It’s weird and doesn’t really make much sense, which explains me perfectly I think. I mean if I went right in with the hey there, I’m a 50 year old introvert with mental health issues, I’m not sure anyone would come back. So I’m hoping for a kind of lure them in with a bit of humour and perhaps they will think, wow this is so weird I must come back. Actually, the way I describe it I’d think my about page was awesome, it really isn’t, it’s average at best, but that’s also what you get with this blog, so job done!

Then there are the 566 posts that I have written over the life time of my blog. No one ever scrolls back, or do they? So do I leave them, or do I update them, or do I just go all out full on clean and delete them, banished forever to the trash can full of spam comments. I haven’t thought that far ahead as yet, because to be honest with the little bit I have managed so far, like changing the picture on the about page, my age and the year for the copywrite, I’m about worn out and ready to collapse into a comfortable chair with a cup of coffee and a tube of Smarties.

That said, in 2022 I also hope to do a spring clean of my mind, so expect more posts…..maybe :)

Will you be making any changes to your blog in 2022?

Looking back

The Indecisive Eejit16 Comments
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When I think about my time here, now going on for nine years, I can see that I have changed so much over that time. There’s been a lot, recovery from the alien leg incident, the Motherships dementia and her eventual passing and also all of the things relating to my own mental health.

The past couple of years have brought a new set of challenges, illness, COVID and changes to and the loss of some friendships. That’s one thing about life, it never stops and it is always changing, whether we are prepared for it or not. I turned 50, just a number I know, but still a significant one in terms of life, because while things have not always been a bed of roses, existing for half a century is certainly something to celebrate right? In my head I still feel like I am 18 years old and I get a little bit nervous when I am expected to adult, but somehow I manage to bumble my way through it.

Even though I am not here often, I love this place. It has always been a bit of a refuge for me, reading what my friends have to say on their blogs and also what they choose to comment on mine. We never really understand how our words might affect others, but there is no better feeling when someone stops by to tell you, as recently happened to me. Those words were something I needed to hear at that time, so thank you Joe for commenting on my about page, it means more than you know.

I tell myself I should write more, I know I should, but sometimes it feels like I just write the same things over and over. Occasionally I will read things that I have already written and I think, holy cow, did I write that. Other times I can remember exactly how I was feeling at that time, the moment, the place and perhaps even the music I listened to as I tried to formulate my thoughts into something legible.

I was never big on the whole social media side of things, that’s just not me, and as life changed I didn’t have the same time to put into it as I had at the start. That said, in the beginning I had no idea how much time writing a blog and trying to further it would take, that was certainly a wake up call.

I have met some of the most amazing people and there are also others who are no longer with us. People who made us think, or made us smile and undoubtedly left an empty space in either our heads or our hearts.

This is a fantastic community and there are no set rules as to what your place in it should be. Don’t try to be someone else, because the weight of walking in someone else’s footprints will be a heavy one. Just be you, be true to yourself and write what your heart desires, it will always resonate with someone, even if they do not stop by to tell you it did.

Thank you for still being here with me, despite the fact that I am not with you as often as I would like :)

WTF is it with…..

The Indecisive Eejit15 Comments
Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

…junk comments these days. It’s like they multiply. No matter how many times I empty the junk folder, it is always full when I return. Perhaps I should return more often, so this is kind of my own fault isn’t it. Anyway, moving on, that is not actually why I stopped by, it was just something that irritated me on my journey and I thought I would share it, because I am nice like that :)

How have you all been? The strange goings on in the world continue, the return to normality that some have been dreaming of is not yet here, albeit there is perhaps a glimmer of light in the horizon. Me personally, well I’m still hoping for a blended mix of the old and the new, fingers crossed.

So I was in hospital, that was a thing that happened, oh way back in May now. The dreaded gallstones decided to play dirty and introduce themselves to my pancreas. Clearly they didn’t get the memo about social distancing and decided this was a space they would like to muscle in on, thoughtless little shits. So I’m also sure you know that being in hospital comes with all the tests, bloods, scans, not just one variety, noooo I had them all, CT, MRCP and Ultrasound. Then after the scans come all the things that you didn’t even know you had, like a large mass, stranding / weird things around the gallbladder, a hiatus hernia. I mean ffs, I though the gallstones was enough to be getting on with, but apparently not.

The current situation is that I am waiting on the results of tests. I’m finding that consultants don’t really talk to you, they talk around you and mention things like tumours and anomalies, but don’t really tell you why or if this is something that you need to actually worry about, bearing in mind I have anxiety and worry about E V E R Y T H I N G. Thankfully for me, in the last visit the mention of tumour was preceded with I don’t think it’s a…. so I hope they are right. Anyone going through this, my heart goes out to you, it is a very unsettling time. There is something going on in my body though and I hope they find out what it is soon so I can at least have an explanation for the daily pain.

Being off work has been challenging for me. I am so used to working that for the first few weeks I felt an incredible guilt that I was letting people down even though I knew myself that I was not well, very little tired me out, and it took a while to build up my eating routine again. Thankfully this last week I have not been tiring as quickly, I can tidy a little bit more before I have to sit down, but I’m not yet at the stage where I can return to any kind of normality. It’s incredibly frustrating. That said, I am thankful that I am still here typing, another lady who came into the hospital at the same time as me with the same thing didn’t make it out again.

Being in hospital was a real eye opener. We hear all these stories of the fabulous NHS and the work they have done throughout this pandemic, but honestly, from the outside, we have no idea. Those nurses are incredibly busy, they never stop, I know for sure I could not do what they do, never mind anything else, I would not have the patience, especially for those people who treat it like a hotel stay. I’m incredibly grateful for the care I received during my stay.

So I guess in the grand scheme of life, this is the next hurdle to face. Most days I am ok, and sometimes I cry, but I think that’s to be expected, I mean apart from anything else I’m probably being smacked in the face by the menopause too, so the fecking hormones are almost as problematic as the gallstones.

Anyway, what’s new with all of you, tell me a good story, actually just tell me a story, we have to take the rough with the smooth!

Here she goes again ffs……

The Indecisive Eejit17 Comments
Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

The picture above has no relevance to this post whatever, I just liked it, so here it is….enjoy?

So there it is, and here I am, struggling a little it has to be said with the new blocks and paragraphs system for writing, but I’m typing away like a good un and hoping that by some miracle of modern something or other it will look ok when both you and I have to read it.

It’s that time of the year again. WordPress will very shortly tell me that I have reached another anniversary, this time 8 years I believe. This is perhaps the longest I have stuck at anything, with the exception of my job, although I am not sure that you could call writing perhaps one or two posts a year sticking at something. I miss it, writing that is, I miss it a lot. I also miss the way my old brain worked and my sense of humour but age and life has got in the way of both, so I’ve just got to suck it up and adapt.

Usually around this time I also have mental conversations with myself where I discuss whether to carry on or give up, questioning if it is worth paying for domains that I rarely use. Sometimes I think it isn’t and I consider leaving and then I log into the app and I go to the reader and I catch up on all the things I have missed and I see all the people that I love and I think, I cant go, not yet anyway.

A couple of weeks back I did just that and I logged in and I found people I had not spoken to in such a long time, and then I read posts from a few of the people who have been with me on this journey pretty much from the start, albeit with a few breaks in between and it was like someone had given me the warmest hug, it made my heart so happy to read their words.

I’m never going to be the world’s greatest blogger, and nor would I want to be, it’s like a full time job at the start ffs. What I do want to be is here, as much as I can. If I only write two posts a year, then so be it. If no one reads what I write, that’s fine too, it’s for me anyway, but as I have detailed in countless posts before, that is something I lose sight of.

So maybe I will stick around for another year. I might even try and get back into this, I just need to be more disciplined with time by making sure there is space in there somewhere to write, because it’s good for the soul.

I hope you are all well, and I hope to see you soon :)

I am Seven

The Indecisive Eejit17 Comments

It happened sometime in March, and unlike real birthdays, it’s a low enough number not for me to be concerned about, or is it, because in terms of blogging I think seven is probably quite good.

That said, some could argue that I have not actually been blogging and they would be absolutely correct, in 2019 I wrote only seven posts, can we class that as one for each birthday.

In terms of writing, there is still not an issue with regards to wanting to write, because I do all the time, I just never seem to get around to it, something else gets in the way, I am lazy, there are very many reasons, all with their own percentage.

This blog birthday finds the world in ‘unprecedented times’. I have heard that phrase so much in the last six weeks. It’s a time when I should be writing, documenting what is going on, lest I forget, but I think because it is so unusual, it is unlikely that any of us will forget, or should forget the lives that have been lost and the families affected by this pandemic. Neither should we forget all of the key workers who are continuing to do their jobs in the these difficult and unusual of circumstances.

So this birthday, we shall just quietly celebrate that I am seven. Trust me, I’ve had the usual yearly wrangles of should I stay or should I go and for this year anyway I have decided to stay. Who knows, I might even write eight posts, but don’t hold me to it ffs, or we could all be let down.

I hope all my favourite eejits are well. If you are reading, then thank you for still being here :)

I am Six

The Indecisive Eejit16 Comments

I am 6. Well technically I was 6 in maybe March, but it has taken me this long to get around to acknowledging it. Thank you WordPress for the reminder.

This year there was even less fan fare than when I was five. I’ve been here so little of late that it seemed pointless to post about it, but actually there is a point, regardless of how much or how little I post, I am still here six years later. Initially I didn’t believe that I would even last six days, so that in itself is some kind of achievement right!?

There are people who have been here for the same length of time I have, and they have celebrated many successes and in one case a million followers. Those people deserve it because blogging is hard work and they have put in the effort while at the same time always being there to offer assistance and guidance to others. I am in awe of both their talent and time.

Success for me is on a much smaller more personal level. I love this place, whether I am silently reading posts or giggling at a comment someone has put on one of mine. I might have been silent but I have been here.

I love the people I have met, seriously my followers are awesome, they are always there with words of wisdom and encouragement. They pick me up when I am down and raise me higher when I am not. They have been a source of entertainment and enlightenment and that has by far been the highlight of my time blogging.

The arrival of each birthday brings with it a series of questions that I ask myself. They mainly centre around whether I need this space any more and whether I have a place here. I believe there is a place here for everyone. While my life is not very exciting and I have little to share that will amaze and astound, I still have things to say. Whilst I mainly direct my writing at myself these days, if even one other person can empathise or understand then isn’t it worth it, even if it helps me realise that I am not alone.

The last six years have been a journey. Sometimes it has been an uphill struggle, but I’m still battling on, I have never given up, not here and not in life. That is something I need to give myself credit for.

While I don’t have a lot to say and I don’t visit as much as I should, each time I open a blank post I still feel that tingle of excitement, that familiar buzz of possibility. I write in my head constantly, weaving snippets of words and thoughts, but more often than not that is where they remain. I need to be better at letting them flow to my fingertips.

In my time here I have written 543 posts, been viewed over 50,000 times, had 23,000 visitors, 10, 501 comments and amassed 1,442 followers.

I am six, but I need you to know that I could never have made it this far without all of you. I need you to know that you are loved, more than you know.

Thank you!

Feeling Strange

The Indecisive Eejit15 Comments

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

I am Four!

The Indecisive Eejit75 Comments

It was pretty amazing for me when I made it to the end of one year of blogging, even more amazing that I managed to survive another couple of years despite what was going on in my life. Now, I am four, who would have thought, certainly not me!

While I might not have written my very first post until the 31st March 2013, I had registered the name, which at that time was ‘The Geeky G4mer’. Even in that very first post, I made excuses which paved the way for me more than likely giving up on this new fad, but I didn’t, I am still here.

The last four years have been pretty rough, some of it will be documented on this blog and some of it on others, where I shared my experiences of being a carer for someone with Dementia. Writing from the heart wasn’t always pretty, hence my decision to keep those posts away from here. It didn’t really matter where I wrote, as long as I did, because on many days that was my saving grace, the thing that kept me going.

Had life not intervened the way it did I may have been a blogging superstar by now, these days there are people in the same position as me who have been blogging for only six months, or perhaps even less. I’m quite content to not be a superstar, it’s hard enough being me sometimes. That fame malarky is definitely not the road for an introvert to travel.

I am not, nor will I ever be a magnificent writer, I simply want to entertain and write about life, which can be hard sometimes, because it’s far from perfect despite what some people would have us believe. The difference is the way that people deal with the cards that they have been dealt and every day here, I see examples of people who despite what they hide still manage to put a smile on their faces and carry on regardless with the intention of putting a smile on ours.

Stepping into both blogging and the WordPress community can be daunting at first, but for those of you who are new, my advice would be never give up. Hold on to what you believe in and most importantly never lose sight of why you started your blog. Write for yourself and no one else, the rest will come with time. Open yourself up to this amazing community, there is nowhere else that you will find such a diverse bunch of people who probably shouldn’t work but do. There is always someone to help, comfort, teach and guide, you just have to interact and ask, never be afraid, we have all been where you are now.

In the last four years I have written 500 posts, quite fitting that this should be number 501. I have 1,220 followers, my page has seen 21, 069 visitors with 43, 941 views. There have been 9, 312 comments, with some still pending. That’s amazing, and I am extremely grateful for every follow, like and person who has stopped by whether they commented or not. But for me, what is more important are the people I have met, the friends I have made and the posts I have read that have made me smile, laugh, cry and remember that I am not alone in this world. More importantly it has reminded me I am loved and despite the fact that I am not a magnificent writer, I have things to say that people want to read.

I am four, but only because you all helped me. Thank you, words can never express how grateful I am to have had you all at my side.

Here’s to another 365 days of blogging! Happy blog anniversary to us.