A tale of two titties!

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Today I had to set off for work a little earlier than usual, and believe me, I am not a morning person. It takes a lot of time to look as presentable as I do. All those magazine types who spout about effortless beauty have clearly never had to do their own hair and make up! As a result, I was later leaving the house than I should have been, no time even for a shot of coffee, which is never a good thing.

After locking my door I turned around to find a man wearing a trench coat and trilby leaning on my fence. Now that’s not something you see everyday, considering we are no longer in the 1940’s. What was more alarming however was the fact that there was a rather large and expensive camera hanging from his neck, sporting a zoom lens.

Man: Good morning Miss. You have Great Tits.

Pardon me

Man: You have Great Tits.

Dude!!!! WTF?? (I have been watching way to many american TV shows)

My hands at this point moved protectively over my girlie bits as I shot him a look that would wither stone.

Man: In your garden. You have Great Tits in your garden.

You have to remember, that at this stage I was still suffering from morning brain. It takes a little while for all the synapses to start firing, even longer when they have not had an injection of caffeine.  So I’m standing there wracking my brains trying to think of the last time I had my baps out in the back garden and there is not one time that I can recall, unless we’re referring to a different kind of bap and there was a burger between them.

Man: Would you mind if I took a picture?

Of my Great Tits? Don’t you think that’s a little cheeky?

Man: Well it is rare to see such amazing specimens.

This is getting a little ridiculous now, I mean who does this man think he is.

Where or how the feck did you see them?

Man: On the table.

The table….you saw my tits on the table, are you off your head. 

Man: Yes, I saw them on the table, the bird table.

You saw my tits on the…wait, what, the…ohhhh….the…bird…table. 

Suddenly as if the sun had come out I was finally able to see where he was pointing, and sure enough it was at the bird table on which two little feathered things were sitting.

Ohhhh, you mean those ti……..birds? Yes take as many pictures as you like. 

Heaving a sigh of relief I finally lowered my hands.

The moral of this story….always leave enough time to have a cup of coffee, unless that is, you want to make a Great Tit of yourself!

Burning ring of fire!

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I would love to tell you that my life has been wonderful since the last time I wrote just a little over a week ago. The truth is I have spent it sitting in a rubber ring whilst nursing burnt butt cheeks. Trust me to pick the only killer electric blanket in the whole wide world!

Ok, so perhaps I am being a little too dramatic, but that is after all what I am good at. I thought I misheard my teacher when she said I would pass a degree in Histrionics without even having to study, I couldn’t even remember signing up for it. Regardless, back to my arse.

I never was the kind of girl to read instructions. If my brain was not able to figure it out then the batting of eyelashes was always able to acquire assistance from somewhere. This time however owning to the fact that the offending piece of gadgetry was in my boudoir, I thought it best to let the brain figure it out all on it’s own, and considering the instructions had already been binned, what choice did I have.

You may remember I had set the blanket to activate 30 minutes before I went to bed, which may well have been part of the problem as Onda decided to ring me with about 5 minutes left to spare. Now I love that girl to death, but once you get her Onda phone, it’s pretty damn hard to get her off it again, especially when you’ve had a weekend like she’s just had, but that’s a whole other story. To be fair to her, it was a rather interesting tale and I forgot all about the fact that it was now way past my bedtime.

1 hour and 57 minutes later (not that I was counting), I managed to make it to the bathroom to complete the necessities. Had I realised at the time that it was the last time I would have normal bare (bum) necessities for a least a week, I would have savored the moment. I vaguely remember thinking when I went into my room that my mad cow pyjama’s were nice and toasty, but as I had forgotten all about the electric blanket I didn’t put two and two together. Instead, I checked my alarm was set, collapsed into bed and went out like a light.

Sometime in the middle of the night I dreamt about the firemen from that Wicked Weekend at The Wicky Digit. Before I knew what was happening I could hear the Nelly song ‘It’s getting hot in here…’ playing in the background,  and the fireman was starting to strip. In my sleep I’m thinking, please don’t wake up, but somewhere in my sub conscious, I’m thinking WTF,  it is getting hot in here. I’ve never had a hot flush before, but I’m smart enough to know that it doesn’t normally happen in your backside, so I leapt out of the bed like a scalded cat. Just in time too it would seem, as smoke started to appear from the middle of the bed. I’d like to say I was the one causing all the sparks in the bedroom, but alas no, it was the electric fecking blanket.

Needless to say I dialed ‘999’ and called for the very same firemen I was dreaming about not 5 minutes ago. They arrived not too long after and I led them up the stairs as quickly as I could, thankfully there were still no flames. I could hear giggles behind me, but figured that some of them were remembering the antics from the previous night we had met. Last up the stairs was the big fire Chief, who looked me up and down while walking past and said ‘Holy Cow’. ‘I know’ says I, ‘it’s made a bit of a mess of me bedroom’. He replied that it had indeed, but he was in fact referring to the huge hole that had been burnt in the backside of my pyjama’s exposing my red raw and rather well toasted butt cheeks. Well at least I knew what the giggling had been when we were coming up the stairs. I’m not sure which set of cheeks were reddest at that point.

I sat on a rubber ring stuffed with ice packs for about 5 days after that, and had to drag Billy and Seamus out of the pub to assist with the redecoration of my bedroom. The electric blanket has been relegated to the wheelie bin and from now on I am going to stick to a good old fashioned hot water bottle, I figure it’s the safest option. The firemen were even kind enough to send me a card, that said ‘It’s a BUMmer You’re not well!’

I think I can live without things getting too hot in my bedroom from now on!

Bedroom Antics

Electric Blanket

I always wanted a water bed, although I am not sure why, owing to the fact that I get seasick. I even went as far as to get brochures, and was quite excited at the prospect until one lunchtime Big Bertha told me she used to have one. Naturally I asked if she thought they were a good job, to which she replied ‘it’s all fun and games, till someone gets hurt’. Being nosy concerned I of course asked her what she meant. Blushing a little, she told me about the time her boyfriend was all splayed out on the sheets with a rose between his teeth, and Bertha feeling rather amorous leapt onto the bed with him, catapulting him upwards through the roof tiles. When she told me the only thing that saved him was his Y fronts catching on the fake chandelier I actually fell off the chair laughing. I never thought anymore about a water bed after that.

This winter however I decided I needed to heat things up in my bedroom, sadly not in the way you are thinking, more along the lines of I decided to buy myself an electric blanket. I’m not sold on the idea, let’s call it  intrigued yet dubious. The shop assistant had no sense of humour, as when he informed me my new blanket would keep me toasty warm, he was less than impressed with my reply of, ‘So if I sing and keep turning myself over will that make me a pop tart?”. I’ve decided that when I laugh at my own jokes and no one else does it makes me look more deranged that funny.

Regardless I paid sour bake and brought the blanket home . Sadly, when I dispensed of the box I didn’t realise that the instructions were still inside, and now I have no idea what all these buttons, bells and whistles do, I’m just going to have to wing it and hope that I don’t set fire to my arse.

It’s all set up and my favourite ‘Mad Cow’ pyjamas are underneath the pillow in readiness. The timer is set to activate the blanket about 30 minutes before I go to bed, so it should be nice and cosy by the time I jump in.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes….night night now :)

Shhh it’s Sunday!

Again it’s Sunday, is this becoming a little bit of a habit for me? Compared to last weekend it’s been relatively quiet, thank goodness, I don’t think I could have survived another one.

I’m feeling a little lack lustre this weekend, some things that were meant to happen didn’t and I feel a little meh. Perhaps I suffer from SAD syndrome and need to remember to shine a torch in my face for about 3 hours a day, as owing to the fact I am a sort of red head, exposure to the sun has pretty much the same effect on me as it does a Vampire.

Burning Sun

This is pretty much what I look like when the lady hormones are having their monthly conference as well!

I don’t know why, but this last few day I have been giving a lot of consideration to my blogs, that’s a very long winded way of saying I was having a good old think about where my life is going. I tweaked the theme on here, and also on May’s but then reverted her to how she was and am I still humming and hawing over this one.

I though about wrapping May up and no longer writing as her, it’s harder than I initially thought it was going to be. I enjoy being someone else, but I still worry that people will see similarities either with me or themselves in the things I write, which is not the case. The purpose of May is to be the person I am not, and to live the life I do not. I feel a pressure to write sometimes that weighs me down. I think of millions of things a day I want to record, but life gets in the way and by the time it has finished I have forgotten, or sometimes my mindset depending on how things are at home has the effect of a mental block.

Some good news however is that I am mostly caught up on my reading. You may have seen likes and very few comments.  I had around 77 posts to catch up on, and that was only on Bloglovin, which I have to say has been a godsend.

Future plans – I have none, I’m just going to see how it goes. I would like to keep writing both here and on The Misadventures of May Dupp and for the most part this is what I will try to do, given the limited amount of free time I have. I’m open to ideas of prompts if anyone has any, I have found the Daily Prompt unappealing of late, it leaves me more confused than inspired.

I also wanted to do a piece for Jed’s blog, ‘Okay, What If?’ so if you have any suggestions for a topic I will be glad to give them consideration.

Till next time – keep smiling :)

The Woes of Winter

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It has to be said, I look amazing in a onsie. I am pretty sure the person who invented them had me in mind when doing so. Only that it would not be considered acceptable fashion for the work place, I would wear mine all the time.

They are not the most flattering outfit, but there is something cute about the soft fur and the little ears that adorn the hood of mine. I feel like a marshmallow being gently toasted by the light of the fire..well it’s more a gas heater, I mean who wants to be bother with the hassle of coal and sticks these days, certainly not me, I have the general well being of my nails to consider.

I dread the cold weather coming in, especially walking in the ice and snow, it ‘s always the day you decide to go commando that you go arse over tit while walking to the bus stop. It’s hard to keep your modesty in check whilst trying to save your handbag at the same time. Worse still is when a child decides to help you and hands back your tampon informing you that you dropped your sweet. Damn you and your fancy wrappers anyway. The look on his poor little face when he realised I was not going to give it back to him as a thank you,  what was I to do? I handed him 20p and told him to run along, my face redder than Santa’s suit at Christmas.

Falling leaves, now there’s another curse. Forget what you see in the films, a cute couple kissing as the leaves cascade around them, that’s all bullshit, because what you don’t know is that someone lifted them both and carried them to that spot. The normal people, like you and I, well we’d be lucky to get to there without causing ourselves serious injury. Never mind the ’leaves on the line’ saga, have you ever experienced leaves on the bottom of your Louis Buttons…yes I know, everything about me is just fake, fake,fake. I have heard them described as ‘Killer heels’ in the past, but I didn’t realise that meant they were actually going to kill me. One step in the wrong direction onto a soggy leaf and you might as well say cheerio to any shred of street cred you had.

Ice is the same. With it’s help over the years I have perfected the art of the comedy run, where your feet move but you don’t actually go anywhere. Imagine Bambi on ice, only a little less classy!

So yeah, I can’t wait for Winter…..yay! I wish there was a way to convey sarcasm via text ffs.

Some days…

Sometimes

Hormones, yes, lets talk about hormones. For those not in the know, they are the thing that women seem to have in abundance, but men, by their own admission have very few of, although we women would beg to differ.

Hormones are like a light switch, flipping you effortlessly between wanting to murder anyone within a 10 ft radius and wanting to cry your eyes out at pretty much anything, including adverts for toilet cleaner, wtf!?

Hormones also make us eat, forget Mr Will Power, he has no chance when going head to head with Mr Hor Mone, who pretty much trumps any one at any thing.

Thankfully I have a few years years yet before the lady hormones invade my body and seek world domination, that said, I am already prone to crying at random adverts, which can be pretty embarrassing when they are on billboards in the middle of a busy street. Worse still when you read on and realise that when they were telling her to ‘Be free’ and ‘be light’ they were talking about a fecking sanitary towel. Oh the shame!

My office however is a hive of hormonal activity, that would be a dream for any starter HRT company looking for guinea pigs. In my pod of 4 alone, there are two who are clutching with just fingernails to the brink and two (of which I am one) who are hanging on with everything they have got to the notion that they are still in their twenties.

There are very few men in our office workspace, which is probably just as well, because they would be eaten alive on any given day that ends with a Y! The few that there are tend to travel in packs and seem to have extremely good hormonometers that tell them when to steer clear. They have learnt the hard way that asking the question “Ooo is it your time of the month?” is just about the stupidest fecking question you can ask a woman who has just thrown her faulty stapler against the wall in a fit of temper  an attempt to make it work, and no before you ask, that was NOT me!

So to summarize, hormones are sneaky rotten little feckers…beware!

Half asleep!

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The lie in didn’t go so good, if you could see me now, eyes hanging out of my head and hair like I have been dragged through a bush backwards, you would instantly know, there was no lie in! Normally its either the next door neighbours hens clucking and clacking as they try to squeeze an egg out of their arse, or the dog telling them to get the feck up it needs off it’s leash. This morning it was the fathership who was the traitor and decided to mow the lawn at just after 9 in the morning. Seriously old man, have you nothing better to do, like helping the next door neighbours menagerie sort their shit out. Serves me right for going to bed at stupid o’clock anyway!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my blogs recently. It’s funny, but I liked the idea of the May Dupp one because she was a fictional charter, which gave me the freedom to write whatever I wished. I never thought, at the time, that it would be like writing stories, you still have to think of a beginning, a middle and an end. I thought I would (in my head) assume the character of May and it would all come naturally. I’m still enjoying the challenge tho and intend to keep her going for as long as I can.

Yesterday however, in a fit of madness I started a Twitter account for her. Now I have to say I am not the best at Twitter, but I like the idea of being her and causing some havoc, it will probably give me the balls to comment on things I normally never would have, and the fact that she is fictional gives me the freedom of free speech, within reason of course. I intend to have a little fun with her, so follow at your own risk and prepare for cheekiness and naughtiness. To connect with her follow @maydupp.

Sometime over the coming week I hope to get my drawings done for the Cartoon Craziness Challenge. I have a few ideas, and it will be interesting to see if I can transfer them onto paper, they are either going to make you laugh or cry. The most current version of the challenge is C³ – Week Nine. I know I have not updated the main page ^ there yet, but I will at some stage over this weekend.

Ok time to get moving, there is housework to be done and I have decided that for lunch I am going to have a bowl of ice cream, chocolate sauce, toasted almonds and flake! I am on my holidays after all, even if it is just for a few days.

Done and dusted!

I have never been as glad to see the end of two working days in all my life. Manic is does not even come close to describing what it has been like. I hardly had enough energy left to take my laptop out of it’s case and set it up for my journey home on the train.

Going off on leave is stressful, the art of calmly clearing up all the odds and sods that need done before leaving is clearly something I have not yet mastered. I’m more of a run around in a flap, but eventually get there kind of person. I pity anyone who reads the last few e-mails I sent, I doubt they were legible. But I made it, and as a reward I do not have to think about work again until Friday….oh happy days!!

I am sure there are things I have not done, that will come to me in the middle of the night and wake me from peaceful slumber. I have already e-mailed myself with things that I need to remember and can think of a few more that I need to send myself when I get home.

This Personal Secretary lark is easy….SAID NO ONE EVER!!

I could see through it if I was able to go home and relax, but there is still shopping to be done and dinner to prepare and goodness knows what form the Mothership will be in considering I have deviated from the normal routine. The great unknown lies ahead.

I really want this weekend to be incident free, no let me rephrase that, I really need this weekend to be incident free. The last two have been mentally draining and I am in dire need of some rest and relaxation, excluding the housework and cooking duties that is, some things never change.

So what lies ahead? I could promise you that I am going to do all my drawings for the Cartoon Craziness Challenge and regale you every day with funny stories that will have you falling off your chairs with laughter. I could also tell you that May Dupp is going to partake of her usual weekend antics leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.

I could promise all of that, but I won’t, because I’m going to shop, eat, clean up, perhaps kill a few things on the Xbox and then go to bed and sleep. After that there might be a little more sleep, and then some sleeping thrown in for good measure.

What happens after that is anyone’s guess!!

Happy Friday my most favourite eejits!

Greetings Stranger…..

You’re sitting at a café when a stranger approaches you. This person asks what your name is, and, for some reason, you reply. The stranger nods, “I’ve been looking for you.” What happens next?

Well that’s a no brainer, I’d be up the street as fast as my fake Louis Buttons could carry me. In my experience a stranger, who knows you by name and who just happens to be in the same cafe, is not going to be after anything good.

Now don’t get me wrong I know he’s not Dr Death or anything, I mean come on, everyone knows that geezer wears a big black cape, but still, it’s not going to end well.

Stranger: Are you the Indecisive Eejit?

Me: No!

Stranger: You are her, you look just like her avatar thing.

Me: Look pal I have no idea who you are, but I am May Dupp.

Stranger: I know, made up by The Indecisive Eejit.

Me: I don’t know what you mean and besides, I look nothing like her avatar, according to that guy Rob she’s all oogly boogly and shit.

Stranger: So you do know her!

Me: Ye…nope!

Stranger: You sound a little unsure.

Me: Totally sure. As sure as a big sure thing schooled at the school of sureness.

Stranger: 50/50…phone a friend….

Me: Listen here sunshine is there some part of no you’re not understanding.

Stranger: I understand perfectly Miss Dupp. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes.

Me: It won’t work………

Stranger: and that long silky blond hair, it’s just beautiful.

Me: Really, you thi………..it won’t work. What do you want anyway?

Stranger: I was looking for your May Dupp.

Me: So why did you ask if I was the Indecisve Eejit?

Stranger: The girl at the counter said it would wind you up, she said you’re not good with your fate being in someone else’s hands.

Me: She’s right, so are you going to tell me who you are?

Stranger: I’m a tarot card reader.

Me: Ah feck aff, that’s 20 minutes of my life I’m never going to get back!

Inspired by todays Daily Prompt!

The write stuff…

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In the week or so when I didn’t feel like writing, or felt I had nothing to write about, I went wandering through blogsphere looking for inspiration. I came across the Daily Post writing challenge and thought, oh ello, I’ll have a bit of that. It’s been a long time since I have written any fiction, excluding May Dupp that is, she’s a law onto herself.

The challenge involved picking both a photograph and a first line, before letting your imagination take over and for some reason I wanted to use my character Polly Carmichael again.

It’s a big world out there. Those were the words engraved on the back of the compass.

Polly Carmichael sat on a wooden seat. The wooden seat was in front of a tall building that gave poor Polly a crick in her neck as she tried to count the floors for the umpteenth time.

Teddy sat beside Polly Carmichael on the wooden seat. He too had a crick in his neck from looking up at Polly, who was looking up at the building counting the floors for the umpteenth time.

Passers by looked at the strange combination of the young girl and her Teddy bear sitting on the wooden bench.

“Why are we here Polly?” asked Teddy.

“Because this is where the compass brought me” said Polly holding it towards Teddy so he could see.

That was as far as I got. For two days I wracked my brain trying to think of a punchline around which I could build my little story, but nothing came and I was disappointed, because although I am not too good at it, I quite enjoy penning some fiction.

That’s why I like the May Dupp site, I can craft a life around her that is infinitely more exciting than my own and make her do things that I would never dream of, although to be fair I would be afraid of making her bungee jump lest she broke a nail.

I used to like the Daily Prompt’s, but more often than not these days, I look at them and think what the feck is that all about. I used to love the ‘Okay What If’ weekly challenge, but time was a factor and it was difficult to enter every week.

Perhaps one day out of the blue I will just start to write little works of fiction again and we can all find out what happened to Polly and Teddy and the mysterious compass!