You might remember my last post where I told you about my trip to Iceland, sadly not the county, but the frozen food store in the retail park. Rather than a romantic getaway it turned out to be a shopping trip for Harry Ramsden peas. I know right!? Trust me, that look of confusion on your face, I know it well.
I’m starting to think there is something a little fishy about Stuey, aside from the fact that he works in a chip shop. It turns out I’m not the only girl he’s been giving an extra scoop of chips to, nor am I the only one to get invited on the afore mentioned trip.The rumour is, that Ethel, whose Dad owns the local taxi firm is currently flavour of the month, apparently with the discount he saves on the cab fares Stuey buys her bags of peanut M & M’s, a low blow I thought, considering he knows they are my favourite ffs.
In a bid to find out exactly what was going on I, for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to disguise myself and do some undercover detective work. There wasn’t a lot of costume choice in my house aside from the usual black bags and mop heads, and pretty much everyone has seen me in those already. So I headed round to my Granny’s to see what gems her house would hold. Turns out not much there either, but I was able to borrow a 50’s style pinny, some rollers, a head scarf and a pair of broken false teeth. I just didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with them.
The under layers were easy, and then it came time for the pinny. I know you’ll find it hard to believe for a woman of my intelligence, but that thing had me tied up in knots. It was like a bad night at the WW whatever there was that much wrestling.
Next came the rollers which I pinned not so carefully into my hair, covered up with the headscarf. A few carefully placed eyeliner beauty spots, a lick of garish red lipstick and and I was almost ready to go.
All the running around had left me a little bedraggled and the tights I had on, which were too big anyway, had started to slide down my legs. Turning to look at myself in the mirror I was shocked at my resemblance to Nora Batty, albeit a slightly more fabulous version.
I’d enlisted the help of Onda for this fact finding mission and when the knock came to the door I opened it, in full costume might I add, apart from the broken false teeth. My alleged best friend immediately burst into fits of laughing proclaiming that I looked just like that woman off……..”Yeah, I know, shut up and lets go” says I.
The chippy was relatively quiet for a Friday night. Onda went on ahead as the two of us eejits entering at the same time would most certainly have been a giveaway. I could hear her gabbling away to anyone that would listen and when she placed her order for a battered sausage, with a wink at Stuey and a dirty laugh I figured it was high time I showed my face. Putting the false teeth in I sauntered into the shop and asked wee Geraldine for a bag of chips in the best Granny voice I could muster.
Stuey looked quite preoccupied what with his furious frying of Onda’s sausage, when she shouts over, asking him if he’s dumped me, as in me me, not Nora Batty me, for Ethel.
Stuey: Dumped is a bit harsh is it not Onda, I only took her up to Iceland ffs, it’s not like I put a ring on her finger.
Onda: Aye well you did kind of lead her on.
Stuey: How on earth do you work that out.
Onda: All that flirting and extra scoops of chips an all.
Stuey: I give you extra scoops of chips too Onda, only you’re usually too busy gabbing to notice.
Onda: Oh..well anyway. So is this a thing between you and yer woman Ethel then?
Stuey: Could be, she not a bad lass, she’s a right cod (the whole shop laughs at his chip shop humour)
Perhaps that’s why I want to feckin batter her I thinks to myself, laughing at my own.
Onda: May’s not going to be happy.
Stuey: Sure she’s never feckin happy anyway running round there with a face like a well skelped arse.
It was at this point I took such a sharp intake of breath that when I exhaled the broken false teeth went flying across the chip shop and landed in the deep fat fryer with lots of hissing and spitting. It was like someone farting at the seaside, as all the fish came flying out. There was a collective showing of disgust from the whole shop, but I didn’t care as my sights were firmly set on Stuey.
Me: Who the feck do you think you are running round here getting on like you’re the peas knees.
Onda: I think you’ll find that’s the bees knees, May you daft twat.
Me: I think Onda you’ll find it’s not, him and his Harry Ramsden fetish.
Stuey: FFS May you’ve broken my deep fat fryer and why are you dressed like Nora………….
Me: Is that all you care about, ffs Stuey, you’ve broken my heart.
A combination of livid and embarrassed I turned to leave the shop with as much dignity as I could muster. In hind sight I should have been looking where I was going and then I would have seen the group of builders who were just coming through the front door, but as I wasn’t, I ended up colliding with them instead.
Builder: What’s the rush Grandma, you got ants in your pants.
Me: No son, but if you’re not careful you’ll have my boot in your bollocks.
Perhaps sensing I was not in the mood to be trifled with they parted and let me through.
Apparently, according to Onda, I am barred from the chip shop for life. Who cares, Stuey was quite clearly taking the peas anyway!