Tag: May Dupp

Stalking Stuey

May Dupp19 Comments

mayduppbannernew

You might remember my last post where I told you about my trip to Iceland, sadly not the county, but the frozen food store in the retail park. Rather than a romantic getaway it turned out to be a shopping trip for Harry Ramsden peas. I know right!? Trust me, that look of confusion on your face, I know it well.

I’m starting to think there is something a little fishy about Stuey, aside from the fact that he works in a chip shop. It turns out I’m not the only girl he’s been giving an extra scoop of chips to, nor am I the only one to get invited on the afore mentioned trip.The rumour is, that Ethel, whose Dad owns the local taxi firm is currently flavour of the month, apparently with the discount he saves on the cab fares Stuey buys her bags of peanut M & M’s, a low blow I thought, considering he knows they are my favourite ffs.

In a bid to find out exactly what was going on I, for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to disguise myself and do some undercover detective work. There wasn’t a lot of costume choice in my house aside from the usual black bags and mop heads, and pretty much everyone has seen me in those already. So I headed round to my  Granny’s to see what gems her house would hold. Turns out not much there either, but I was able to borrow a 50’s style pinny, some rollers, a head scarf and a pair of broken false teeth. I just didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with them.

The under layers were easy, and then it came time for the pinny. I know you’ll find it hard to believe for a woman of my intelligence, but that thing had me tied up in knots. It was like a bad night at the WW whatever there was that much wrestling.

Next came the rollers which I pinned not so carefully into my hair, covered up with the headscarf. A few carefully placed eyeliner beauty spots,  a lick of garish red lipstick and and I was almost ready to go.

All the running around had left me a little bedraggled and the tights I had on, which were too big anyway, had started to slide down my legs. Turning to look at myself in the mirror I was shocked at my resemblance to Nora Batty, albeit a slightly more fabulous version.

The formidable Nora Batty
The formidable Nora Batty

I’d enlisted the help of Onda for this fact finding mission and when the knock came to the door I opened it, in full costume might I add, apart from the broken false teeth. My alleged best friend immediately burst into fits of laughing proclaiming that I looked just like that woman off……..”Yeah, I know, shut up and lets go” says I.

The chippy was relatively quiet for a Friday night. Onda went on ahead as the two of us eejits entering at the same time would most certainly have been a giveaway. I could hear her gabbling away to anyone that would listen and when she placed her order for a battered sausage, with a wink at Stuey and a dirty laugh I figured it was high time I showed my face. Putting the false teeth in I sauntered into the shop and asked wee Geraldine for a bag of chips in the best Granny voice I could muster.

Stuey looked quite preoccupied what with his furious frying of Onda’s sausage, when she shouts over, asking him if he’s dumped me, as in me me, not Nora Batty me, for Ethel.

Stuey: Dumped is a bit harsh is it not Onda, I only took her up to Iceland ffs, it’s not like I put a ring on her finger.

Onda: Aye well you did kind of lead her on.

Stuey: How on earth do you work that out.

Onda: All that flirting and extra scoops of chips an all.

Stuey: I give you extra scoops of chips too Onda, only you’re usually too busy gabbing to notice.

Onda: Oh..well anyway. So is this a thing between you and yer woman Ethel then?

Stuey: Could be, she not a bad lass, she’s a right cod (the whole shop laughs at his chip shop humour)

Perhaps that’s why I want to feckin batter her I thinks to myself, laughing at my own.

Onda: May’s not going to be happy.

Stuey: Sure she’s never feckin happy anyway running round there with a face like a well skelped arse.

It was at this point I took such a sharp intake of breath that when I exhaled the broken false teeth went flying across the chip shop and landed in the deep fat fryer with lots of hissing and spitting. It was like someone farting at the seaside, as all the fish came flying out. There was a collective showing of disgust from the whole shop, but I didn’t care as my sights were firmly set on Stuey.

Me: Who the feck do you think you are running round here getting on like you’re the peas knees.

Onda: I think you’ll find that’s the bees knees, May you daft twat.

Me: I think Onda you’ll find it’s not, him and his Harry Ramsden fetish.

Stuey: FFS May you’ve broken my deep fat fryer and why are you dressed like Nora………….

Me: Is that all you care about, ffs Stuey, you’ve broken my heart.

A combination of livid and embarrassed I turned to leave the shop with as much dignity as I could muster. In hind sight I should have been looking where I was going and then I would have seen the group of builders who were just coming through the front door, but as I wasn’t, I ended up colliding with them instead.

Builder: What’s the rush Grandma, you got ants in your pants.

Me: No son, but if you’re not careful you’ll have my boot in your bollocks.

Perhaps sensing I was not in the mood to be trifled with they parted and let me through.

Apparently, according to Onda, I am barred from the chip shop for life. Who cares, Stuey was quite clearly taking the peas anyway!

 

The trip of a lifetime

May Dupp29 Comments

MayDupp Banner

Well hello there ya rockets, did you miss me? Do you even remember me? Actually that’s a good question, who am I?

I know it’s been a while and you have to believe me when I tell you that I have been sooooo busy…..busy being ordinary. There has been no time for being fabulous, no time for handbag shopping and I couldn’t tell you the last time I went for a manicure, never mind had a man cure me.

There’s been work, and lots of it. Of course there have been diet coke moments too, Shaun the window cleaner can fair strike a pose when the sun comes out, unfortunately when he takes his shirt off, it scarpers.

The little pods have been a hive of activity, in fact after we’ve warmed up in the morning we can hardly see each other for the smoke from the keyboards. The fingers are flying and so are the fecks when thing don’t go according to plan. During the time of a big contract it’s all hands to the pump until  the tender is in.

Busy days mean quick lunches and the other week while I was at the chippy getting a battered sausage, oo er mrs, I got talking to Stuey the fish fryer. He’s a good lad, although I am a little concerned by the fact that every time he sees me he laughs. He’s been teasing me for a while, I think he likes me because I always get a little flirt and an extra scoop of chips with my fish, either that or he’s trying to fatten me up.

So whilst waiting on my sausage he asks me if I’d like to go on a little trip. I was all a dither, but seeing as I’d been off the radar for so long and the weekend was approaching I figured I had nothing to lose. So I asks him where he’s taking me and he says Iceland. Well feck me, I’m thinking that’s some place for a first date, I’m going to have to wear my big girl pants and get the lend of Onda’s muff. He told me to meet him at the chippy on Friday at 5pm.

The rest of the week passed in a bit of a blur with the pod being a flurry of gossip activity as I told everyone about my impending trip. Come Friday, I headed out of the office, dolled to the nines pulling my little travel case behind me. I got a few appreciative stares for my neon pink from head to toe snow suit, especially as it was 18c outside, but where I was headed I was going to need something to keep me warm, especially if Stuey was not up for the job.

By the time I had negotiated the pedestrian crossing and spoken to a couple of people I know I was only arriving at the chippy at about five fifteen.

Stuey: ‘Feck sake May, I thought you weren’t coming, and don’t you think you’re just a tad over dressed?’

Me: ‘I’m sorry Stuey, are we going to miss our flight?’

Stuey: ‘Miss our flight, what are you on about, we’re going to miss our bus.’

Me: ‘I didn’t even know you can get a bus to Iceland’

Stuey: ‘Oh aye, the Number 37 passes just right outside, and we can get a third off a day return too.’

It was at this point that alarm bells started to go off, no number 37 bus I had been on had ever gone via Iceland ffs, and then it hit me.

Me: ‘We’re not going on a plane are we Stuey?’

Stuey: ‘Eh no, whatever made you think that.’

Me: ‘You said you were taking me to Iceland.’

Stuey: ‘I am, we’re going to the one at the big shopping centre, I need Harry Ramsden peas for the chippy and I thought you could help me carry them back, now hurry up ffs, it closes at 6pm.’

What a twat, I’d forgotten all about the frozen food store the bus passes. It was certainly not the Iceland I had envisaged but at least they do a nice frozen chicken fried rice, so that was tea sorted!

I’m not going to be able to show my face in the chippy for weeks ffs and now Stuey actually has a reason to laugh at me. I’m certainly not the brightest pixie in the forest!

 

 

The End of an Era

May Dupp8 Comments

MayDupp BannerIt’s done. In the blink of an eye, ok perhaps more like a stab of the finger, the Misadventures of May Dupp is no more. It’s actually surprisingly easy to delete a site, frighteningly easy actually, so much so, that I almost erased the Eejits by mistake, but please don’t tell her, oh balls, I just did, didn’t I.

I had a fun little run over there, but not having to pay rent here is going to be so much better, and besides, she’ll be the one who has to do all the housekeeping.

There will however have to be changes around here, and we’ll get to them if herself can put down Red Dead Redemption for five minutes. It’s laughable really, a grown woman getting all gung ho about cowboys and horses, you’d never catch me being so fickle (firemen aside that is).

It was a very quiet weekend, Onda is currently living the life of the jet set in New York for a few days. Apparently she’s been spending a bit of time hanging around the sidewalks, no no, not that kind of hanging around ffs, more like she got a little lost. Knuckles told her to take her muff with her, because the weather outside was indeed frightful in New York. He got a look and reassurance that she takes her muff everywhere with her. I think to be honest there was a little confusion as to what they each meant. For clarification, Knuckles meant:

muff – a tube made of fur or other warm material into which the hands are placed for warmth

Onda however, meant something entirely different that is not suitable for typing, and besides, the Eejit would slap me senseless if I did. She’s a dirty clart is that Onda, but she’s a while good laugh.

Well I had better scoot, I’m supposed to be writing a list of all the things that need done. Next to go apparently is the May Dupp Facebook page, so if you want to keep up to date, you’re more than welcome to like the Eejits one,  for which there is a link in the side bar.

I’m hoping to keep my Twitter, it’s still under negotiation. I bought her chocolate today so I am hoping that got me some brownie points, we shall have to see.

Anyways, it’s good to be home and chat soon!

Into the post we go……..

The Indecisive Eejit30 Comments

Hates musicals

Ok, let me rattle through some updates for you as to what has been going on, and what will be going on in the life of the Eejit most indecisive.

I’ve got 30 minutes, so expect rambling, bad spelling and poor grammar (which is not unusual for me).

We went to the cinema on Thursday night as previously mentioned. The film in question was ‘Into the Woods’. I’d seen trailers and thought, yeah, this looks quite interesting. Whilst traveling to the destination Shady texts me and asks me what we’re going to see, so I dutifully told him. He looks it up and replies, looks ok, but I’m not really into musicals, at which point I shout rather loudly, ‘WTF!!!! It’s a musical‘. I am not a huge fan of musicals, so how could I have missed such a vital piece of information. Why had they not included any warbling in the trailer I watched, in fact why the feck had they made it a musical in the first place. I was a little horrified. Very delicious food made me forget for a little while, until the film started and right from the off there was music, which lasted for the entire film. While it was not the worst film I have ever watched, it’s not one that I would want to sit through again. That said, we did have great craic afterwards on the journey home making up our own lyrics to the tune that seems to vary little through the whole film. All in all it was a great night.

I’ve made the decision to close the May Dupp site on the 31st January, in all honesty it will probably be gone before that if I get some spare time this week.It will then be time to tweak a few bits and bobs both here and on my Facebook page to amalgamate both blogs. I’m not 100% sure what I am going to do with Ms Dupp’s Twitter. I may retain it for the time being.

I’ve a few posts I need to catch up on writing and as usual some reading as well. So far my New Year plan of blogging more regularly is not really taking shape, there has been very little spare time. But it’s early days, one month is not yet over, so all hope is not lost.

Right that’s about it, my cold is finally starting to disappear (I hope), which means my sense of smell is returning, which means I really need a shower. Thankfully, it, my sense of smell, waited until after the effects of the Sunday dinners brussel sprouts had passed.

Till next time eejits :)

(Right now I’m thinking only my Sister and brother in law will sing the title of this post, but if you ever watch the film, you’ll understand.)

Home Sweet Home!

May Dupp12 Comments

MayDupp BannerSo I’m back, from outer…..ok perhaps not outer space, but I am back none the less. The Eeejit it seems is paying the price for writing that I had a severe bout of the male influenza at New year as she herself is now surrounded by snot sodden tissues and sneezing up a storm. Ffs I even had to clean the keyboard before I started to type.

It’s good to be back, even if I do lack a little wardrobe space. The move has allowed me more time for partying, in fact I have tripped the light fantastic up to the Wicky Digit most nights. I tripped a couple of times on the way home too, but that was purely due to one to many shandies.

Life since Christmas and the New Year has been hectic, but slowly things are returning to normal and it’s all about getting myself into a routine. I need to get some ironing done too, but lets work on the routine first, that buys me a little extra time, I hate ironing.

I decided that 2015 was going to be a dating free zone, considering some of the disasters I had last year. That said it’s early days, and there is no sense in ruling out all of the 12 months. They say you never know what’s round the corner, well I know it’s the bus stop, and love or a good oul snog can be found anywhere right!?

Well I better scoot, long day ahead of me tomorrow, I promised the Eejit I would make her some chicken soup, it’s meant to be good for flu. She doesn’t need to know it came out of a tin., so I need to be up early to walk to the shop before she realises. Don’t let on now!

See you all soon :)

 

The b*tch is back!

The Indecisive Eejit21 Comments

MayDupp BannerI knew if I asked you lot I would get the advice and help I needed. Thank you so much for all the input. To be honest it was pretty clear from all your comments that Ms May should come back here to her original birth place.

There is much to do and I have set myself quite a task, but thankfully the kind folks at WordPress have already lessened the burden and moved all the posts over for me. I didn’t however ask them to transfer followers, most of you already follow me here, and I felt it unfair to force myself on the others, I’d rather it be their choice.

Over the coming weeks I will start to streamline my categories, May will have her own and perhaps also an information page, so people know that she is fictional. All of her posts will also (assuming both she and I remember) have the banner above, kindly made by Paul from Nugs321. I’m going to see if I can convince him to perhaps make a new one for the main page that features us both. If I get a text message saying “F*ck Off” then he will have passed the test and I will know he actually does read my blog.

There is then of course the question regarding social media, you can, as far as I am aware, only link to one Facebook Page, so again, I may have to make some adjustments so both eejits are in the same place.

The finer points all have to be worked out, but I feel a little better now a decision has been made, here’s hoping I can find the time to put the theory into practice.

Thanks to you lot, the pain in the arse known as May Dupp is coming home. Brace yourselves!

 

 

I’ve been thinking…

The Indecisive Eejit52 Comments

Too many blogs

Thinking is never a good thing, it usually either signals the end of something, or gives me more work to do. Now you’ll have to bear with me here, because my thoughts are very scattered, which means writing them down will most likely be equally as messy.

I was thinking about my blogs, currently as you know I have two, this one and The Misadventures of May Dupp. Ms Dupp originally started here, however around May last year I decided to give her a place of her own. Creating a second blog is great in theory, however keeping up with writing on both is a bit of a nightmare. Too much work turns something I love from being a hobby to more like a job and I already have one of those.

Second point. We all know that the main thing about writing a blog is the interaction. Without the input and support from our followers we would have pretty much nothing. I’m lucky enough to have amassed 85 followers on May’s blog, most of whom already follow me here. However, on May’s blog I am not able to avail of the same interaction, as I would be reading the same posts twice and commenting as both people, if you catch my drift. It’s unfair of me to expect interaction whilst offering nothing in return, and also if someone new likes a post and I in turn like their blog I have a dilemma as to which account I use to follow them with. See how it gets confusing.

So here is where I need some input from you, my lovely followers who I would trust with my life, virtually of course! Would the simplest solution of all be to bring May and her Misadventures back to this blog and make them both one again, but letting May retain her identity so she can comment on her own posts as well as write them. Or do I leave things as they are and let her retain her own little space of Internet heaven?  They don’t call me indecisive for nothing you know!

My fear is that people who follow me there, but not here are missing out on valuable interaction with both myself and you lot, because you are a very entertaining bunch. Secondly, if it all becomes to difficult, will I just throw in the towel like I have been known to do in the past.

What, my little brain boxes, would your advice be?

S’not the New Year I hoped for!

May Dupp15 Comments

10620749_1514672958794002_1091902533994756812_n

I know you’ve all been waiting patiently to hear about my great misadventures over the New Year period. You were imagining all sorts I’ll bet, the Wicky Digit full to the rafters, firemen actually getting their kit off and Onda grabbing a sneaky snog off Knuckles as the clock struck midnight while I screamed at the top of my voice…..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Wait what!? Yes you heard right, the only sound to escape my lips was most likely a wee snore or two, because I slept through the whole fecking thing.

It all started on Boxing day, and at first I blamed the Brussel sprouts, the usual cause of trouser trumps of such magnitude, but then I remembered I hadn’t actually had any, so there was clearly something more sinister going on. The Usain Bolt sprints for the bathroom followed a short time later along with that age old dilemma, can you reach the sink, when you’re shitting sitting on the toilet, thankfully in my case, yes, yes you can. Blessed relief.

I made it back to the sofa with only minutes to spare, so close to deaths door was I. Me!? A Drama Queen!? Never!

Onda came to visit me and brought tissues and oranges….Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. I tried to point out that not even a Dyson was going to be able to suck Vitamen C out of that bad boy, but it just wasn’t sinking in.

Me: Onda, I’m not long for this world. I think I’ve got Man Flu.

Onda: S’not.

Me: No seriously I think it is, I’m more sick than a big sick thing schooled at the school of sickness.

Onda: S’not (more high pitched this time).

Me: It feckin is!

Onda: No! Snot, wipe your nose you dirty clart, it’s dripping on the carpet.

There was very little sympathy after that, and according to Onda, who it would appear is a bit of a drama queen herself, what came out my nose was worthy of a scene from the Exorcist. As the saying here goes, the snotters were tripping me.

I’d been so looking forward to the New Year, I had every intention of starting it off with a bang, assuming I was able to lure someone back to my humble abode that is, but all I got was a crick in my neck from sleeping at an awkward angle on the sofa all night. I didn’t even realise it was New Years Day until I heard my next door neighbours in the back garden belting out Horse it into ya Cynthia by Farmer Dan, a sure fire sign that the night before has been a resounding success.

So there you have it, I May Dupp was a New Year failure. Let’s hope for a little more excitement in 2015 eh!

 

It’s a new year!

The Indecisive Eejit18 Comments

New Year

For someone who is not a Christmas lover, this one passed off pretty good. I got a couple of little surprises for which I am really grateful and  which will hopefully help me along as I advance into 2015.

I didn’t write yesterday, I did consider it, but in the end I decided I was going to let the fact that it was the start of a new year just pass by quietly. While I am grateful for all the wishes that I will have a happy one, I have no doubt that this year will be more or less like last year, perhaps even worse. That’s not me staring into a cup that is half empty, that’s me being realistic. The start of  new year is not going to magically take away the Motherships dementia and all it’s related issues, so I’m pitting myself at the bottom of the happiness scale and hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

It’s not all bad though, there are a few issues I hope to address in the New Year, let’s not call them resolutions because I totally suck at those, lets just call them steps, as in I’ll do them one step at a time.

Here are some of them:

  • Make more time for myself. If I need to stay somewhere else for a night just to get my head showered then I am going to do it. Caring for someone with mental health issues takes a toal on your own.
  • No unessential spending. Ok there will most likely be one exception to this. Usually when I get money at Christmas, I use it for the day to day things like groceries etc, this year I decided I would like to use it to actually buy something for myself, and that will most likely be an Xbox One. It is my escape after all :) All day Boxing Day I sat on my hands to stop myself buying one that was in a boxing day sale, because while I have some money I am still a long way off having it all. Other than that, there is an immediate curb on spending and more of an effort to get the finances straight.
  • No more junk food / crap. I swear to feck there are nights when I feel like a wheelie bin. My mouth is constantly open and crap is being shovelled in on a regular basis. I need to drop some weight, which will help another of my problems, the dreaded knee, which daily lets me know if it’s existence.
  • Write more regularly, both here and on The Misadventures of May Dupp. It’s not until I sit down to write a post that I realise how much I missed both it and the interaction from you guys.
  • Listen to more music. This year there were two contenders for favourite song, which were Say Something by A Great Big World and Hunger of the Pine by Alt-J, both of which you can list to on my Music Bubble page. Best album without a shadow of a doubt was This is All Yous by Alt-J.
  • De clutter – This is the year of getting rid of all the clutter. I started today and was ruthless, if I don’t use it anymore it goes! All the old boxes got broken down for recycling, even the one for my Xbox 360, which I have had for 6 years…..wtf!! If I make enough space then the PS2 is going to be set up, I have decided I need a little Bubble Bobble in my life.

So I think for now that’s enough to be going on with. If I can manage even a few of those then I’ll be happy. If I’m really lucky, I might even have finished the de cluttering before the start of the next New Year.

I don’t know if you noticed or not, (but if you did, pretend you didn’t), that I didn’t get my Cartoon Craziness Challenge drawing done, had I, it would have been a little picture of me with a Ferrero Rocher for a head and a brussel sprout for a body.

There were however two entries and you can take a look at them here:

Mama’s Christmas Cartoon | Mental in the Midwest

Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #139 — 12/25/14 | Evil Squirrel’s Nest

Thank you to you both :)

Can I just take a moment to say thank you to each and every one of you who read this blog. You have been with me through all the rough times of 2014 and laughed either with or at me through the happier ones. You’ve lifted me up when I’ve been down and you have entertained and challenged me, I like that.

So all that is left for me to say, is that I hope that 2015 is everything that you hope it will be and more. I look forward to spending it with you all!

May-ry Christmas!

May Dupp2 Comments

10734241_1509265836001381_9021141921157129164_n

I thought it only polite that I least stop by and say Merry Christmas to you all. I hope however that you don’t mind if I say it very quietly, I did my own version of Scrooge last night and got visited by some Christmas spirits, only mine came in a bottle and manifested into a shot glass.

Dear goodness, I’ve just looked in the mirror and it’s not a pretty sight. I wonder how poor Onda is, last I saw she was boots up under one of the tables in the Wicky Digit and Knuckles was trying to drag her home by her tights.

It’s been a very entertaining year here at the Misadventures of May Dupp and here’s hoping for more shenanigans in 2015! Thank you all for being a part of it.

If you need me, I’ll be over here on the sofa with these two headache tablets and my good friend Mr Hangover.

Have a lovely Christmas one and all :)