I’m almost a week late to the party, but hey, I’m working on the old better late than never saying.
In his challenge this week, Hugh asked us to post a photo of something isolated. I have hundreds if perhaps not thousands of photo’s, but finding one was believe it or not quite hard, and then I remembered this one:
Whitepark Bay is one of my most favourite places here in Northern Ireland. I love the wide expanse of the beach and how shut off from the world you can feel once you have made the long walk down.
If you look closely at the picture you will notice the figure of a girl sitting on the rock, I believe she was reading, and I remember thinking at the time, what an awesome place to sit and write, isolated from the world with nothing but the sound of crashing waves to keep you company.
This post will probably be quite short, there’s also more than a slight possibility that it’s going to be a rant. Brace yourselves.
For a long time now and in many posts I have lamented the fact that it is almost impossible sometimes to keep up with reading on WordPress. The sheer volume of amazing content and posts is astounding sometimes, blogs I follow can between them export up to 30 posts a day. This last two weeks I’ve found work extremely difficult due to a whole host of changes taking place. At night by the time everyone was fed and all the dishes done I had no energy left for anything other than plonking myself in front of the TV and there I stayed until I dragged my sorry arse up to go to bed.
The train WiFi was also being an arse most likely due to the fact that schools and technical colleges have returned for the new term and the passenger levels on the train have tripled. There was a few times I nearly lost my phone, mainly because I wanted to heft it out the window.
I got behind on my reading.
There are two main ways I try to keep up, one would be the WordPress reader and the other Bloglovin. The former used to be great and then it was updated and started skipping and missing huge chunks of posts for no reason, at that point I moved most of the blogs I follow into Bloglovin. It was great, it easily filled in the chunks that I was missing. Then they updated it too and now neither of the two work that well. Don’t get me wrong, I can still read posts in both, WP reader will allow me to do all the things I need to, it just seems to be selective about which posts it shows. Bloglovin on the other hand seems to show all posts, but will not allow me to either like or comment, instead it just hangs on a white page. It is extremely frustrating.
Moral of the story and a note to the creators of both readers – If it’s not broke, don’t feckin fix it!
If we were having coffee I’d probably just hand you a list of updates because these days I am finding that it’s the only way I can effectively remember things. Lists of groceries, lists of things to do, lists of bills to pay to name just a few,
I’d gratefully sip the cappuccino I bought, I need a good hit of coffee today as I’m feeling a little shaky, probably due to the bad dreams and lack of sleep. Didn’t see those coming and I have no idea why they are, but any dream with an ex in it is usually bad.
I’d tell you I’ve been off for a few days and it’s been nice, but that I am filled with dread at the thought of having to go back to work tomorrow, I’ve kind of enjoyed living the last few days at a slower pace. Still the same anxiety, but perhaps not such a strong grip.
Conversation will most likely turn to WordPress and blogs and I’ll explain that I am a little miffed at all the changes being made to a platform that functions just fine without them. I’ll curse people who feel a need to fix things which are not broken and change things that are just fine as they are. I’d say I’ve missed a few posts lately between Bloglovin and The Reader because sometimes they just like to be a right royal pains in my posterior!
With glee I would tell you that I am quite possibly…actually almost certainly addicted to Nashville. People had been telling me it was good but I just never got around to checking it out for myself. When I did it was a little like a series watching hoe down in a barn, once I had started I just could not stop. That said, I have only made it to the end of Series Two so please do not fill in any of the blanks for me just yet.
There I’d have to leave you because I have just noticed the next thing on my list is to leave out clean clothes for work. I’d thank Part-Time Monster for giving us a reason to meet up in the first place and encourage you to share some stories of your own.
Only yesterday I was rejoicing the fact that everyday this week the trains free WiFi has worked allowing me the opportunity to read and actually like posts on Bloglovin. I opened my mouth too soon, because today it has betrayed me. On the only journey of the week where I do not have to change trains, its has decided not to function. Bollocks!
I love the fact that on most days I am able to keep up with the outside world, but I am similarly horrified at how the predictive text or autocorrect on my phone seems to think I speak.
It has this knack, smart little bugger that it is, of changing simple words, that while it may only be one letter, add a different context to a whole sentence. Instead of being ‘on’ the loo, I am ‘in’ the loo. I know you’re wondering how I was even able to type from such a small bowl in the first place!
My friend randomly found this picture on the internet during the week and enquired if it was me. Umm yes it is, apparently my arse is a star, how could she not have known. Actually, maybe I’m just an arse!
This past few days I have actually had enough time to comment on a few posts. Like myself, not everyone is able to reply right there and then, so sometimes I need to remind myself of what I said. It’s usually at this point that overuse of the term ‘FFS’ occurs as I look with horror at how my comments have turned out. I would be first in line to petition for a way to edit my comments on someone else’s blog, not just my own.
Clearly as I type away with merry abandon I do not pay enough attention to the fact that my phone is also merrily typing its own version of my words. Those of you who read my comments must think I’m stupid….I am, but not as much as my phone would lead you to believe. Take that look off your face, I’m being serious.
So forgive me readers, for many times I have sinned against Saint Grammar, but in my defence regardless of whether it was my fault or not, I’m blaming the phone.
In the words of the almighty Bart Simpson, “I didn’t do it, no one saw me do it, you can’t prove anything!”
“Where did they go?” I turned round to ask Paul and then realised he was not there.
A sharp whinny drew my attention to the left, where I came face to nose with a horse. Not just any horse, but a Hungarian Half-Bred, not unlike the one I had been riding 2 minutes ago. Only this one was real and if it wasn’t this was some of the best CGI I had ever seen. Looking around, it was almost like I had been transported into the game.
On hearing footsteps I turned to be confronted by John Marston.
“You going to stand there all day, we have wolves to hunt. Buckle up bitch, it’s time for some real life Red Dead Redemption.”
~
(Written for Monday’s Finish the Story – click link for more information. If you’re not a gamer you may not get the reference, but this reminded me so much of a scene from the game Red Dead Redemption, that I had no other choice. 121 words, slap bang (kinda) in the middle. These are fun, give it a try!)
Sadly, this it not going to be one of those posts where you try to guess my location. I’m right where I always am, I’m just not sure who I am anymore.
I’ve found this last month or so a real struggle, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected, from pretty much everything. My anxiety levels have been through the roof, which has a knock on effect of a messed up sleep pattern, it’s a vicious circle. I still function, I do all the things I am supposed to, I keep things ticking over, and everyone fed, I go to work and the rest of the time I just feel tired. In my head the world is going to fall apart at any second and believe me, that’s not a nice feeling.
I miss the person I was. I used to be mildly funny. Perhaps in the correct setting I still could be, right now I just feel lost.
This life swamps me sometimes, the enormity of it all. I don’t think about just one person now, I have to think for two. I had trouble enough looking after myself.
I miss writing here, but I have nothing to say but this. I’m left not knowing what to do, should I wait until I have something funny to say, or should I just write everything and hope that the few people who interact don’t run for the hills. It is after all part and parcel of who I am, no one can be funny all of the time, right?!
I was cleaning out my computer of all the junk it has amassed over the last five years it has been with me. Reading through old posts left me wondering who the person who wrote them was, because it feels a world away from who I am now. If I’m also hurtling towards the menopause then I am well and truly fucked, throwing hormones into this mix is going to be about the the same as throwing a firework on a bonfire, looks out folks she’s gonna blow!
The thing is, I’ll get through it, I always do. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll still function exactly as I did today. I’ll write about it and you’ll tell me stupid jokes and make me smile.
One day if I’m lucky, and you lot are incredibly unlucky I might just write a funny post again. Most likely the next one, because it is amazing how cathartic writing this shit actually is :)
Let me start with the bad jokes, to set you off on the right track:
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? – It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!
And finally, whilst perusing Spotify this week, they were kind enough to give me a little playlist all of my very own based on the songs I listen to. One of the choices was a band called Amber Run with a song called I found which I love, however for the purposes of this post I am going to leave you with their song called Spark, simply because as the song says, I need to let the light in.
You might remember my last post where I told you about my trip to Iceland, sadly not the county, but the frozen food store in the retail park. Rather than a romantic getaway it turned out to be a shopping trip for Harry Ramsden peas. I know right!? Trust me, that look of confusion on your face, I know it well.
I’m starting to think there is something a little fishy about Stuey, aside from the fact that he works in a chip shop. It turns out I’m not the only girl he’s been giving an extra scoop of chips to, nor am I the only one to get invited on the afore mentioned trip.The rumour is, that Ethel, whose Dad owns the local taxi firm is currently flavour of the month, apparently with the discount he saves on the cab fares Stuey buys her bags of peanut M & M’s, a low blow I thought, considering he knows they are my favourite ffs.
In a bid to find out exactly what was going on I, for some strange reason thought it would be a good idea to disguise myself and do some undercover detective work. There wasn’t a lot of costume choice in my house aside from the usual black bags and mop heads, and pretty much everyone has seen me in those already. So I headed round to my Granny’s to see what gems her house would hold. Turns out not much there either, but I was able to borrow a 50’s style pinny, some rollers, a head scarf and a pair of broken false teeth. I just didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with them.
The under layers were easy, and then it came time for the pinny. I know you’ll find it hard to believe for a woman of my intelligence, but that thing had me tied up in knots. It was like a bad night at the WW whatever there was that much wrestling.
Next came the rollers which I pinned not so carefully into my hair, covered up with the headscarf. A few carefully placed eyeliner beauty spots, a lick of garish red lipstick and and I was almost ready to go.
All the running around had left me a little bedraggled and the tights I had on, which were too big anyway, had started to slide down my legs. Turning to look at myself in the mirror I was shocked at my resemblance to Nora Batty, albeit a slightly more fabulous version.
The formidable Nora Batty
I’d enlisted the help of Onda for this fact finding mission and when the knock came to the door I opened it, in full costume might I add, apart from the broken false teeth. My alleged best friend immediately burst into fits of laughing proclaiming that I looked just like that woman off……..”Yeah, I know, shut up and lets go” says I.
The chippy was relatively quiet for a Friday night. Onda went on ahead as the two of us eejits entering at the same time would most certainly have been a giveaway. I could hear her gabbling away to anyone that would listen and when she placed her order for a battered sausage, with a wink at Stuey and a dirty laugh I figured it was high time I showed my face. Putting the false teeth in I sauntered into the shop and asked wee Geraldine for a bag of chips in the best Granny voice I could muster.
Stuey looked quite preoccupied what with his furious frying of Onda’s sausage, when she shouts over, asking him if he’s dumped me, as in me me, not Nora Batty me, for Ethel.
Stuey: Dumped is a bit harsh is it not Onda, I only took her up to Iceland ffs, it’s not like I put a ring on her finger.
Onda: Aye well you did kind of lead her on.
Stuey: How on earth do you work that out.
Onda: All that flirting and extra scoops of chips an all.
Stuey: I give you extra scoops of chips too Onda, only you’re usually too busy gabbing to notice.
Onda: Oh..well anyway. So is this a thing between you and yer woman Ethel then?
Stuey: Could be, she not a bad lass, she’s a right cod (the whole shop laughs at his chip shop humour)
Perhaps that’s why I want to feckin batter her I thinks to myself, laughing at my own.
Onda: May’s not going to be happy.
Stuey: Sure she’s never feckin happy anyway running round there with a face like a well skelped arse.
It was at this point I took such a sharp intake of breath that when I exhaled the broken false teeth went flying across the chip shop and landed in the deep fat fryer with lots of hissing and spitting. It was like someone farting at the seaside, as all the fish came flying out. There was a collective showing of disgust from the whole shop, but I didn’t care as my sights were firmly set on Stuey.
Me: Who the feck do you think you are running round here getting on like you’re the peas knees.
Onda: I think you’ll find that’s the bees knees, May you daft twat.
Me: I think Onda you’ll find it’s not, him and his Harry Ramsden fetish.
Stuey: FFS May you’ve broken my deep fat fryer and why are you dressed like Nora………….
Me: Is that all you care about, ffs Stuey, you’ve broken my heart.
A combination of livid and embarrassed I turned to leave the shop with as much dignity as I could muster. In hind sight I should have been looking where I was going and then I would have seen the group of builders who were just coming through the front door, but as I wasn’t, I ended up colliding with them instead.
Builder: What’s the rush Grandma, you got ants in your pants.
Me: No son, but if you’re not careful you’ll have my boot in your bollocks.
Perhaps sensing I was not in the mood to be trifled with they parted and let me through.
Apparently, according to Onda, I am barred from the chip shop for life. Who cares, Stuey was quite clearly taking the peas anyway!
Well hello there ya rockets, did you miss me? Do you even remember me? Actually that’s a good question, who am I?
I know it’s been a while and you have to believe me when I tell you that I have been sooooo busy…..busy being ordinary. There has been no time for being fabulous, no time for handbag shopping and I couldn’t tell you the last time I went for a manicure, never mind had a man cure me.
There’s been work, and lots of it. Of course there have been diet coke moments too, Shaun the window cleaner can fair strike a pose when the sun comes out, unfortunately when he takes his shirt off, it scarpers.
The little pods have been a hive of activity, in fact after we’ve warmed up in the morning we can hardly see each other for the smoke from the keyboards. The fingers are flying and so are the fecks when thing don’t go according to plan. During the time of a big contract it’s all hands to the pump until the tender is in.
Busy days mean quick lunches and the other week while I was at the chippy getting a battered sausage, oo er mrs, I got talking to Stuey the fish fryer. He’s a good lad, although I am a little concerned by the fact that every time he sees me he laughs. He’s been teasing me for a while, I think he likes me because I always get a little flirt and an extra scoop of chips with my fish, either that or he’s trying to fatten me up.
So whilst waiting on my sausage he asks me if I’d like to go on a little trip. I was all a dither, but seeing as I’d been off the radar for so long and the weekend was approaching I figured I had nothing to lose. So I asks him where he’s taking me and he says Iceland. Well feck me, I’m thinking that’s some place for a first date, I’m going to have to wear my big girl pants and get the lend of Onda’s muff. He told me to meet him at the chippy on Friday at 5pm.
The rest of the week passed in a bit of a blur with the pod being a flurry of gossip activity as I told everyone about my impending trip. Come Friday, I headed out of the office, dolled to the nines pulling my little travel case behind me. I got a few appreciative stares for my neon pink from head to toe snow suit, especially as it was 18c outside, but where I was headed I was going to need something to keep me warm, especially if Stuey was not up for the job.
By the time I had negotiated the pedestrian crossing and spoken to a couple of people I know I was only arriving at the chippy at about five fifteen.
Stuey: ‘Feck sake May, I thought you weren’t coming, and don’t you think you’re just a tad over dressed?’
Me: ‘I’m sorry Stuey, are we going to miss our flight?’
Stuey: ‘Miss our flight, what are you on about, we’re going to miss our bus.’
Me: ‘I didn’t even know you can get a bus to Iceland’
Stuey: ‘Oh aye, the Number 37 passes just right outside, and we can get a third off a day return too.’
It was at this point that alarm bells started to go off, no number 37 bus I had been on had ever gone via Iceland ffs, and then it hit me.
Me: ‘We’re not going on a plane are we Stuey?’
Stuey: ‘Eh no, whatever made you think that.’
Me: ‘You said you were taking me to Iceland.’
Stuey: ‘I am, we’re going to the one at the big shopping centre, I need Harry Ramsden peas for the chippy and I thought you could help me carry them back, now hurry up ffs, it closes at 6pm.’
What a twat, I’d forgotten all about the frozen food store the bus passes. It was certainly not the Iceland I had envisaged but at least they do a nice frozen chicken fried rice, so that was tea sorted!
I’m not going to be able to show my face in the chippy for weeks ffs and now Stuey actually has a reason to laugh at me. I’m certainly not the brightest pixie in the forest!
Everyone is all a dither, there have been strange sightings in the sky, some say it is sunshine, but others disbelieve due to the fact that it has not been seen on the Emerald Isle for some time. I’m warm and itchy and generally uncomfortable in my clothing, so I think for me, that signals it’s at least getting warmer. Don’t worry though, I have no intention of stripping off and running through the bluebells. Poor, poor bluebells.
Last night I put my phone on to charge, which would have been great if only I had remembered to turn on the plug…..doh!! I went to work and due to the fact that it was busy all day, I never even got to plug it in. Fast forward a few hours and I am sitting on the train at the start of my journey home, ready to have a few hands of Yahtzee and catch up on blog reading and bam, there’s only a slither of battery power left. When travelling by NIR, you always need to think ahead, at any time there could be a train failure, or leaves on the line, and without a mobile phone, how would I ever be able to inform the Fathership of my late arrival.
Weighing up all these options in my head, I decided it best not to use the phone and instead opted for the Ipod Touch. Whilst virtually redundant now for most things, it still plays music, and plays it rather well might I add. I listen to tunes sometimes whilst working on my computer, rarely however when I am blogging as I find it distracts my thoughts, but today, between the music and the sunshine, the thoughts were coming thick and fast. Snippets of poems like the old days, adventures for May and perhaps even for Polly Carmichael who I have not written about in a while.
I had no paper.
I had a pen, but no paper.
I had no phone, the mere slither of battery power left rendering it almost useless to write a post with.
I had a redundant Ipod touch, great music, no WordPress.
Bollocks.
I came home and I’ve got nothing. All my great ideas disappeared like the sun!
The lovely Judy from Edwina’s Episodes kindly requested of me that I complete the Love – Hate Challenge. Strangely enough, I had seen this earlier on in the day on another blog and thought it looked quite interesting, so I was glad to see the invitation. Thanks Judewina (I like both names so I’m renaming you for the purposes of this post).
In this challenge I have to list ten things I love, closely followed by 10 things I hate and then shaft nominate 10 other bloggers to complete it too.
Things I Love
My family and friends, which also includes you, ya bunch of randomers. I love each and every one of you.
The smell of fresh cut grass – As long as I have not had to cut it, because then all I can smell is petrol and sweat.
Coffee – I could not exist without it. lifts cup, sips and continues……
Music – It really does make the world go round.
Grey’s Anatomy – It has managed to surpass any other TV show I have ever watched in the love stakes. It’s like a bad relationship, it’s made me happy, sad, cross and cry and yet I still keep going back for more!
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – I especially loved Legolas and even had a bit of a girl crush on Arwen.
Stationary (by way of clarification, I mean pens etc, not standing still) – Hmmm that might be more of a fetish than love, swiftly moving on.
My Camera – My Sister bought me it as a present and it takes the most amazing photographs despite the fact that I have no idea how to use it properly.
GTA V – It’s my release. I’m not a fan of career mode, but I love playing online with my friends. I am BADASS! Shame the same cannot be said for real life huh!
Pom Bears – I can’t believe I made it to number 10 without mentioning food, and no the coffee does not count thank you very much. For my last slot, I need to confess that I am totally in love with these little bear shaped crisps (original flavour). I try to tell myself they are better for me than ordinary crisps as they are Gluten Free and contain no artificial flavours or colours. The fact is it wouldn’t matter, they are delicious and I am addicted and that’s pretty much all there is to it.
Things I Hate
Cold Callers – I cannot express how much I dislike these people. My new tactic after reading various articles on the internet, is to ask said caller the name, address and contact details of their company. When they ask me why, I inform them I am registered with the telephone preference service and should not be receiving calls of this nature. 9 out of 10 times they will hang up. Result!
Ice and Snow – I like it when I am inside looking out at it, but I don’t like it if I am outside and trying to walk in it.
Politics – I’m not even going to justify that comment, it is what it is and I need to stay awake to the end of this post.
Jam – It’s really strange but so many people are actually horrified when they find out I don’t like Jam, especially on my toast in the morning. WTF, is there some unwritten rule that I HAVE to like it.
Changing Trains – I’d love to be able to just get on a train and stay on a train until I reach my destination, but no, that would be far to simple, right Translink!
Being indecisive, I think.
Smoking – I smoke, and I hate it. I am trying (albeit unsuccessfully at the minute) to quit!
Nails on a blackboard or other similar screeching noises – it makes my teeth hurt.
Clothes Shopping – It does nothing for my self esteem when I stand in garments that are clearly not suited for my shape looking into mirrors that are clearly not designed to flatter. If I ever win the lottery I have every intention of starting my own clothes line. There will be a straight choice between black or navy.
Birds shitting on my clean washing when it’s hanging on the line to dry.
I have to be honest and say that I found the things I hate bit quite hard, no doubt tomorrow on the journey to work I’ll be all ffs this and ffs that as I remember things I should have included.
So here are the people who I would like to see complete this challenge, however no one is under any obligation to do so and there will be no complaints from me, as I usually shy away from them myself.
If I have not included you, but you like the idea of this, consider yourself invited, and as I said before, to any of the ten nominated, if you have already done this or you just can’t be arsed, feel free to pass it on by.
The Indecisive Eejit 