And there she was……

September 7, 2018 The Indecisive Eejit36 Comments

So it’s been a minute, a week or maybe even months. There is a fair chance you might not even remember who I am, but I have no doubt that my home grown brand of quirky will remind you in a short space of time.

Contrary to what some people might have thought, I did not drop off the face of the planet and apologies to those who are actually disappointed to see me again. I’m like that, a bad penny, I keep turning up.

Many things have happened in the time I have been gone. Very many things. In fact too many to mention. There has been crazy me, crazy work and a crazy life, which has led to me being crazy busy with very little time to write.

When I was not here I turned 5. This year there were no candles and fanfares, I didn’t even write a post. I acknowledged the notification from WordPress and silently scolded myself because it had been so long since I had actually been here.

I’m not sure you will believe me if I tell you I missed you, but I did. I missed your laughs, your jokes and your comments. I missed reading about other people and how things were going, that daily distraction from what was or was not going on in my own life.

In the last 6 months I’ve faced friendship, love, rejection, happiness, sadness, stress and many more things, but remarkably I am still going, putting one foot in front of the other. I’m still a basket case for sure, but I’ve just asked for another round of counselling to hopefully hit the self confidence monster smack in the face one more time. It’s not something I necessarily want to do, but it is something I certainly have to do.

I’ve lost two stone in weight, that was pretty good going, but it has not bolstered my self confidence at all, there is still some way to go I think and my love affair with Malteasers is not going to end any time soon despite the fact they seem to make me sick.

There have been good days and bad, of late perhaps more bad and while I wanted to write I just couldn’t bring myself to jot things down despite running over them time and again in my head. The old internal battle about laying my soul bare here still continues, no change there then.

I’m finding there is no peace. This year has almost slipped by, a whirlwind of work that is not going to slow down for a while yet as I begin a new round of training. Behind me the other work stacks up too and I’m starting to feel the pressure, but I just need to knuckle down. Thing is though I was sick and although I’m back at work I’m still not mended, so I take things day by day and wait for my Dr’s appointment. It’s probably the Malteasers ffs.

I’m not going to say I am back for good, because who knows. But today I am here. I am here to say hello and tell you that I missed you and also that I will check in when I can.

I am here to tell you that I need this space despite the fact that at the minute I feel I have nothing new to tell you.

I need it despite the fact that I feel that I write the same things over and over.

I need it because I need to write to stop thinking about the same things over and over.

I need it, that’s it, I just do and I need you to understand that despite the fact I have not been here that I love you all.

One Year Later…

November 7, 2017 The Indecisive Eejit

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Last weekend we passed the first anniversary of the Motherships final flight. It’s hard to believe that a year has passed already. A lot has changed , but in some ways nothing has changed, because despite how it feels at the time, life does carry on.

I was going to write about it, and then I didn’t. I started a post, but the words just wouldn’t come. I knew what I wanted to say, but I was having a hard time making my thoughts legible and then a few days passed and the momentum was lost.

I’m not sure if the first anniversary of someone’s death should be a thing. To me it didn’t feel any different, because I miss her everyday. Lately though, she has been on my mind a lot.

No one tells you how you should grieve, but then again, why would they, it’s a unique and personal experience. Even now I find it hard to write about, not from the point of view that I find it difficult to talk about, but because I still don’t think I understand everything that happened.

The experience of caring for someone with dementia was so intense that when it stopped it was a shock. I used to liken my life to going home every night and being placed into a pressure cooker. It was almost like life outside didn’t exist because everything was so focused and intense. But when it stopped I felt useless, like I had no purpose any more. I had become so used to the routines and pressure I needed time to adjust.

People often say when a loved one passes that they wish they could see them again, just for one last time. Personally, I wouldn’t want that, not if she was going to be the way that she was. I do wish however that she could let me know that she is ok, hopefully at peace.

Time is a great healer and with it all the bad memories slowly become replaced. The words and memories of others become intertwined with my own and bring things long forgotten back to life, reminding me of the person my Mum was before the dementia.

I’ve healing of my own to do, those four years left me with my own scars, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

I wasn’t going to write about it, but I am glad that I did.

I always want to be able to remember.

Whiteout Wednesday #7

March 15, 2017March 15, 2017 The Indecisive Eejit5 Comments

The blossoms of love form a mist.

Romantic.

The flowers white and star-shape; prolong the charm, producing a certain plumpness that was fashionable in plants

Katherine’s flower has stuck throughout the centuries.

~~~~~

I have no clue if I have done the Whiteout challenge correctly, but for my good friend who runs it I at least thought I would try :) Michael and his 10ft celery also piqued my interest.

If you are interested too, please check here for all the details required to join in!

Whiteout Wednesday

8 Great Reasons to be Single on Valentines Day

February 15, 2017 The Indecisive Eejit31 Comments

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Sure love is great and all that isn’t it, but it’s not for everyone. There are just some people who are destined to be single and it’s looking like I am one of them. I don’t dislike Valentines Day, in fact I love to see my co workers going home, giddy because they are heading out for an evening of romance. I just wish sometimes there was a little less glitter and hairspray involved, my anxiety has an image of their hair catching fire on the accessories for the candle lit dinner. I can just imagine the chat at tea break the next day, ‘I see your boyfriend got you a new hair do for Valentines day, I like how the singed eyebrows match, it suits you!’, said no one ever!

So without further ado, here are 8 reasons why it’s great to be single on Valentines Day.

You don’t have to buy anyone a present.
It might be just me, but February is always the month where I can still feel the slight pinch from Christmas. It’s good to not have to smash the piggy bank while taxing my brain in the process over what to buy. Who am I kidding, I don’t even have a fecking piggy bank!
You don’t have to go to a fancy restaurant.
In all honesty I’m a cheap date, give me a park bench and a bag of chips over white linen and nouvelle cuisine any day. The introvert in me loves that I didn’t have to get dressed up and people on Valentines Day.
You don’t have to cook a fancy meal because you didn’t go to the fancy restaurant.
I did however have to cook, for a man, but it was the Fathership, does he count? He’ll usually eat whatever is put in front of him, which is just as well because I will never be a Michelin starred Chef. He says it’s tasty and that’s good enough for me.
You don’t have to shave your legs.
You could if you really want to though. I had no one to impress so I was able to just cover it all up with the penguin onesie. Hey, don’t judge, it’s bloody freezing out there.
You don’t have to do the flower shuffle.
There comes a time in your life when you know you are never going to get flowers. It’s quite refreshing when you arrive at that conclusion as it saves you having to improvise when you realise that the Interflora guy is actually not making a beeline for you after all.
You can pick your own movie.
I might not be a girlie girl, but I do love a bit or romance. Luckily for me it’s not until the Return of the King when Aragorn realises that Arwen is still alive, which means a six hour love in with the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Pure bliss!
You don’t have to share the snacks!
This needs no further explanation.
You don’t have to share the duvet.
True love is jumping into bed and being able to starfish without the fear of kicking your other half into the wardrobe. It’s also not having to enact a battle of WWE proportions over your own share of the duvet.

So there you have it, being single on February the 14th is not all doom and gloom, but neither is being in love. So to all of you, regardless of your relationship status, Happy Valentines Day 2017!

I’ve said it before, but…

June 23, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit47 Comments

This last week I returned to some kind of normality with regards to blogging, both reading and writing. It felt good. It reminded me how much I miss it.

Whilst reading this week I came across a lot of posts from writers thanking their followers or giving us, the reader an insight as to why they started blogging in the first place.

One such post was the wonderful I Am A Thief by J T Carlton, and it was while leaving a comment that I got thinking about the wonder that is the world of the blog.

We all start for various reasons, be it a form of therapy, entertainment, a break from boredom or the sheer relief of expelling the thoughts from our heads into a different type of receptacle. No one knows what to expect, especially in the early days when things are a little slow to start and tentative alliances are being formed.

I know for me, there were days when I wanted to give up because I really did feel like a small fish in a big pond. Even though I started writing for myself, I cannot deny that those little notifications were a delight, pushing me towards wanting to be more than I had originally thought.

If we tried to explain to outsiders, those who do not blog, the relationships that we forge as a result of writing and being part of a community, they would find it hard to understand. They would perhaps berate us for talking to strangers, because after all as children, that is what we are taught not to do.

The internet is a scary place and as such, it should be treated with caution. It’s OK to put yourself out there, but first and foremost, never lose sight of who you are and always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Gut feeling is a remarkable addition to this so called life.

Still though, despite all the barriers, we start to gain followers and form friendships and the art of blogging soon becomes more than we ever imagined it could. I have become a square in the patchwork quilt that is WordPress, not overly important, but essential all the same, because all our little squares, well we keep the whole thing together.

I’m never going to be an amazing writer, I am under no illusions, but that doesn’t matter because for me, it’s all about the community.

Life is hard, more so for some than others. I often wonder when I read the posts of some I follow how they can even carry on, yet still they do, with a strength and spirit that is nothing short of superhuman, even if they do not realise it themselves.

I can’t always interact, sometimes I become so emotionally invested in my own life that I have nothing left to give but on those days I still read and ‘like’ where I can. Slowly but surely the craft that is the words of others pulls me to the surface, have you met my followers, seriously, what’s not to love. I am extremely blessed.

So I too am going to thank my friends here, even though I know I can never convey in words just how they all make me feel.

Thank you for making me feel accepted and a part of something amazing. Thank you for loving me just exactly as I am, flaws and all. Thank you for being there and bringing me sunshine on the darker days, laughter on the sad ones and virtual hugs just when I needed them most. You have been an inspiration and my life is better because you chose to weave your way in.

I’ve said it before, but…..thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Reasons to Smile

June 18, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit25 Comments

Let me make a short post!

It’s been a taxing week and I’m tired. That special kind of tired that makes your eyes sting and the world seem like it’s going to come crashing in around your head at any time. Note to self: go to fecking bed on time.

It’s hard sometimes to find reasons to smile even though my rational self knows that there are many.

I found one today though, well two actually. The first came in the shape of a most delightful gentleman I had to escort to a meeting. It’s been a while since my heart fluttered for anything other than a reaction to my anti histamines, but boy did it today. It felt like a moment, only a miniature time stopping one though, for it lasted no longer than two minutes, but it was enough to make me smile. I shall never see the object of my immediate affection again, but that’s ok as imagination is usually much better than reality.

Buoyed by a happy heart and the fact that it was home time I pressed play on my IPod for the walk to the train to be greeted by tunes from the the new Penguin Cafe Orchestra CD my sister got me for my birthday and the smile just widened. I was in fear at one stage it might even split my face in two.

No doubt when I get home the shit will hit the fan as it usually does, but for the next 30 minutes I’m basking in the sunshine, the music and the beating of my happy heart!

Do you love it or hate it?

June 4, 2015June 4, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit77 Comments

Love - Hate Challenge

The lovely Judy from Edwina’s Episodes kindly requested of me that I complete the Love – Hate Challenge. Strangely enough, I had seen this earlier on in the day on another blog and thought it looked quite interesting, so I was glad to see the invitation. Thanks Judewina (I like both names so I’m renaming you for the purposes of this post).

In this challenge I have to list ten things I love, closely followed by 10 things I hate and then ~~shaft~~ nominate 10 other bloggers to complete it too.

Things I Love

My family and friends, which also includes you, ya bunch of randomers. I love each and every one of you.
The smell of fresh cut grass – As long as I have not had to cut it, because then all I can smell is petrol and sweat.
Coffee – I could not exist without it. lifts cup, sips and continues……
Music – It really does make the world go round.
Grey’s Anatomy – It has managed to surpass any other TV show I have ever watched in the love stakes. It’s like a bad relationship, it’s made me happy, sad, cross and cry and yet I still keep going back for more!
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy – I especially loved Legolas and even had a bit of a girl crush on Arwen.
Stationary (by way of clarification, I mean pens etc, not standing still) – Hmmm that might be more of a fetish than love, swiftly moving on.
My Camera – My Sister bought me it as a present and it takes the most amazing photographs despite the fact that I have no idea how to use it properly.
GTA V – It’s my release. I’m not a fan of career mode, but I love playing online with my friends. I am BADASS! Shame the same cannot be said for real life huh!
Pom Bears – I can’t believe I made it to number 10 without mentioning food, and no the coffee does not count thank you very much. For my last slot, I need to confess that I am totally in love with these little bear shaped crisps (original flavour). I try to tell myself they are better for me than ordinary crisps as they are Gluten Free and contain no artificial flavours or colours. The fact is it wouldn’t matter, they are delicious and I am addicted and that’s pretty much all there is to it.

Things I Hate

Cold Callers – I cannot express how much I dislike these people. My new tactic after reading various articles on the internet, is to ask said caller the name, address and contact details of their company. When they ask me why, I inform them I am registered with the telephone preference service and should not be receiving calls of this nature. 9 out of 10 times they will hang up. Result!
Ice and Snow – I like it when I am inside looking out at it, but I don’t like it if I am outside and trying to walk in it.
Politics – I’m not even going to justify that comment, it is what it is and I need to stay awake to the end of this post.
Jam – It’s really strange but so many people are actually horrified when they find out I don’t like Jam, especially on my toast in the morning. WTF, is there some unwritten rule that I HAVE to like it.
Changing Trains – I’d love to be able to just get on a train and stay on a train until I reach my destination, but no, that would be far to simple, right Translink!
Being indecisive, I think.
Smoking – I smoke, and I hate it. I am trying (albeit unsuccessfully at the minute) to quit!
Nails on a blackboard or other similar screeching noises – it makes my teeth hurt.
Clothes Shopping – It does nothing for my self esteem when I stand in garments that are clearly not suited for my shape looking into mirrors that are clearly not designed to flatter. If I ever win the lottery I have every intention of starting my own clothes line. There will be a straight choice between black or navy.
Birds shitting on my clean washing when it’s hanging on the line to dry.

I have to be honest and say that I found the things I hate bit quite hard, no doubt tomorrow on the journey to work I’ll be all ffs this and ffs that as I remember things I should have included.

So here are the people who I would like to see complete this challenge, however no one is under any obligation to do so and there will be no complaints from me, as I usually shy away from them myself.

Mental in the Midwest

Steve Says

A Prompt Reply

Wee Blue Birdie

Here There Be Spiders

Knocked over by a feather

Not A Punk Rocker

My Life, My Way, My Words

Rebelle Angel

Bluefish Way

If I have not included you, but you like the idea of this, consider yourself invited, and as I said before, to any of the ten nominated, if you have already done this or you just can’t be arsed, feel free to pass it on by.

Till next time Eejits!

I am Two!

March 24, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit68 Comments

I am Two

It’s been a busy week meaning I’ve not had much of a chance to check up on my blog, I was too busy hiding under my desk in work having a mini meltdown.

Today however I decided to take a quick peek when I got home, and lo and behold WordPress informed me that I am two, well to be more exact, that my blog is, or was registered two years ago today. Where on earth did the time go?

I’m pretty sure at my one year anniversary I wrote a piece about how I was amazed I had made it to a year and what do you know, another one has gone past and I am still here! To the person who put superglue on the seat, I salute you.

Lately there has been a lot of posts in relation to the larger blogs, in particular the number of followers they have and how they obtain them. It’s easy to look up to the stars, but you need to remember that you are still standing on the ground.

I used to be like that, dream that one day I would have thousands of followers and be as cool as those I aspired to be. I realised rather quickly that was not going to happen, my writing was never going to win me awards and my wit alone was not enough to see me through and I was just fine with that, the world still turned.

I’m happy right where I am thank you very much. Yes it may have taken me two years to amass over 800 followers when some people can do that in mere months. Good on ya I say, I’m going for quality and not quantity. In my world 800 is fecking hugeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Every follower is a bonus, and I have found over the last two years that the majority of mine are real treasures and my life is better because they all dandered into it.

So happy I am two day, the fact that I am still here is nothing to do with me, but everything to do with you, my lovely eejits, I would be lost without you all!

valentine-penguin-ocal

I found a fountain pen!

January 13, 2015January 13, 2015 The Indecisive Eejit24 Comments

Modern-ftn-pen-cursive — Image by Herrfous

It was buried at the bottom of an old pencil case, dry as a bone and with spots of rust starting to take form on the nib. I cleaned it and changed the cartridge, but it still runs dry. It’s been neglected for too long.

I used to love writing, little notes, poems, scribblings in a jotter. It was what I wanted to do, although I was a realist and knew for certain it would never be my fortune. I was never without a notebook for any length of time, sadly not always the same one, meaning I sometimes created mash ups without even trying.

I cringe now when I read back over some of the things I wrote, all that teenage angst flowing through my body and out the nib of a pen, worse still was I was in my twenties! Teenage angst didn’t happen in the back of beyond, there were only hay bales, tractors and young farmers who allegedly did it in wellies. It was only when I moved to the big smoke that I discovered this inner me and my love for the written word.

Seriously, if you don’t believe me when I tell you how bad they were then let me prove it to you:

Be Funny

They say be funny,
I don’t feel like being funny!

I make faces in the mirror,
but that just makes me sad,
I notice yet another spot,
so now I’m feeling mad.
My Mum shouts “Dinners ready now”
perhaps things aren’t so bad,
I go downstairs and stuff my face,
at last I’m feeling glad.

That said, reading back over them now I can remember both the situation and my feelings at the time, albeit in most cases now my heart is no longer breaking….yup…love was a recurring theme, that and loneliness.

Single Sided Love

I know she loves you.
I can see it in her eyes.
She wants to end your sentences,
but cannot find the words.
She holds you tight,
like if she lets you go,
she’ll loose you forever.
Yes,
she definitely loves you,
but you offer nothing in return.

It’s funny, when you’re younger, actually, any age, when you fall out of love you feel your heart will never mend, especially if you were not the one to actually fall out of it in the first place. You swear you’ll never do it again, and relationships become a taboo subject.

The Burden

I’ll walk up and down the street,
and they’ll say to me,
“What is it that you are carrying in that plastic bag,
that looks so heavy?”
And I’ll say
“My Heart”

Time however is a good healer and with time you become a little more comfortable and sure about your new status. I say a little, because there is always room for improvement.

Part-Time Lonely Heart

I tell everyone I am fine,
happy to be on my own.
But am I?
Sometimes yes,
sometimes no.
A part-time lonely heart.

Eventually you’ll realise there is life after love and that actually despite what you thought for the last three months the world did manage to keep on spinning. Time to get your shit together.