Weekend Wonderings

I seem to go through little periods of thinking. I shouldn’t think, it’s bad for me.

Every now and then I will question my need for this blog or where I fit into the so called blogsphere. I don’t have a niche as such, I’m more a bits and pieces of everything.

When starting I suppose my intention was to be a humour blog, but then life changed and all the humour kinda got sucked out of it and me. I’d still like to think I am marginally funny, or at least working my way back to that point. But as a wise man once said, self praise is no recommendation.

I think I have changed since I started writing way back in 2013, I’m not sure if it is for the better. Somewhere along the line while looking for someone to adult I realised that it was actually me, I was supposed to be the adult, well that was a steep learning curve I tell ya. Someone needs to write one of those yellow books entitled ‘The Idiots Guide to Adulting’. I could certainly have made use of it.

I did grow up, I dealt with seriously injuring my leg, which led to my first ever surgery, followed by becoming  a carer, followed by perhaps a little depression and a whole host of anxiety from these past events. Through counselling I realised I was an introvert and that I more than likely have mild social anxiety issues. People keep telling me I need to push through and force myself to do more, but for me that’s like standing at the edge of a boiling cauldron with everyone urging me to jump. Why can it not be enough for people that I am trying!

What does that mean for this blog, does it mean that I have outgrown it and is it time to give up and move on, or does it mean that I just let it evolve with me and see where the journey takes us both.

I want people to read what I write because they are genuinely interested in what I have to say. But I also want them to understand that I am geeky and awkward and not always sure of how to reply to the awesome comments that are left.  I want to write whatever my wonky little brain desires without people worrying I am going to fall off the edge of the earth.

I’ve been enjoying doing some of the fiction challenges, they make me think, but in a good way. They challenge me to hone my writing skills and they give me something else to focus on other than the inside of this rut I seem to find myself in.

When do you realise that enough is enough? When do you realise that it is time to move on, or when do you stop building barriers for yourself and just get on with the job at hand. I tell myself that likes and follows don’t matter and I mean that, but the interaction does. I love this community and I would miss it.

So I stay, but I don’t really evolve. I wonder if six months down the line people would even remember who I was. Perhaps they would say, you must remember her, you know, the weird girl from Ireland with the ginger hair. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t find that offensive, I quite like being weird :)

Perhaps one day I will eventually figure out who I am. Then I can figure out what here is. And we can all live happily ever after.

Until then I guess I just continue to be happy, be weird and be an eejit!

Concerning life

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Image from Quotes Gram

I have romantic notions about how I should be living my life. Curling up in front of an open fire with my laptop after having had a shower, all calm and chilled and wasting a little time before heading to bed at 10.30pm every night meaning I am well rested for work.

Reality: Hot fecking mess, that’s what it is! and without the open fire.

I stupidly thought that perhaps life was returning to some kind of normality and that maybe I was too. You see I’m trying to get everything done, get the house sorted, get me sorted, and then life will be good right!? Wrong…it’s still a bloody disaster.

I had a couple of days off this week, another chance to de clutter and finally move from one bedroom to the other, as my current one needs redecorated thanks to the mouldy 20 odd year old wallpaper. Day one progressed not too bad, I got things done. That said every time I opened a cupboard there was just more ‘stuff’. I mean there is stuff on top of stuff, covered with stuff that’s hiding even more stuff. Trust me, it’s depressing stuff! Thanks Mothership, your legacy lives on. That said, there were tears throughout the day too  as I came across a variety of photographs that brought back memories, some happy and some sad.

I ended day one feeling hopeful. Hopeful that there was one cupboard cleared, under the bed in the guest room had been de gunked and that I might finally have finished this mammoth task by 2018. In order to make that time scale however I might have to call in reinforcements in the form of the Sistership, I think this is too big a task for a one man band.

Day Two. I woke up. My head hurt. Another fecking migraine. You have got to be kidding me. I never left the sofa all day, anything I tried to eat returned with a vengeance and I didn’t even make it out to vote. Illness has followed me like a lovesick puppy since my Mum died, I have never been sick so often in my entire life. Colds, flu like symptoms, crippling migraines, has no one told my body I am supposed to be under less stress now ffs. I’m still not feeling great and that was 3 days ago.

Since the start of the year I have tried to be better to myself. Instead it’s left me feeling worse and yes before you say it I know, this is probably just a phase and things will get better. You all think my body is trying to catch up on the last four years and you’re probably right, but I am mightily sick of being sick!

I’m 65 days, 11 hours, 53 minutes and 14s smoke free as I type this. Don’t worry, I’m not that anal that I can count the days in my head, I’m not that good at maths  either. I have an App for that. I’ve made changes to my diet, I keep an eye on my blood pressure and I’ve substituted crisps (I miss you so much little crisps, never forget me) for nuts, which are apparently good fats and not the bad ones. All this, and still I feel like shit. Seems kinda unfair right!? Yeah I think so too.

Sensible me knows that change doesn’t happen overnight and I have four years to make up for, so I am determined to soldier on. I need to remind myself that everything does not have to be done all at once. I need to stop beating myself up when I let other people down due to being sick, I can’t help being sick and worrying about it only increases the stress. For the last four years I lived off a schedule where everything had to be done there and then and I am finding it hard to break that habit.

Things will be done when they are done. If not today, then there is always tomorrow. I just need to drum that into my thick skull!

 

 

Blue Monday continues..

I had no knowledge of blue Monday until the tail end of last week, but when I heard the reasoning I could understand why it was named so. Apparently ‘blue Monday’ is meant to be the most depressing day of the year. It was, and somehow the sneaky fecker managed to weave itself into the tail end of last week and today as well. It’s legacy lives on. 

I did feel blue yesterday and there were various times throughout the day when the air was blue too. I’m blaming cigarettes, or to be more precise my lack of same. 

The first week and a half was challenging health ways as I battled headaches, nausea, coughing and cravings, only small ones though that tapped at my head like a lazy Woodpecker. 

By the middle of the second week despite the fact that my headaches were easing slightly I soon realised the honeymoon period was over as the Woodpecker struck with jackhammer like ferocity. I imagined it to be making pencils (who the feck knows why) that I then wanted to use to stab anyone who came within a 2ft radius of me. 

I had the rage and I had it bad, but thankfully I was able to contain it and make it to the end of the week without being arrested. 

Then came the tears. I mean ffs there is more going on here than Bertie and his bassets, I was experiencing all sorts! The 20 million symptom checkers I consulted were not far wrong in their estimations that quitting smoking could be the cause of feeling down in dumps. 

Ok so to be fair, there are other things going on here too. I’m finding work pretty stressful, the last two months seem to be catching up on me and I generally feel pretty useless. It’s a lot to be going on with and in hindsight perhaps trying to tackle everything all at once was not a great idea. 

That said, the ghost of nicotine past is really playing with my emotions. There is a good chance it is also playing with my sanity too, I mean you should have seen the look I got from  the girl at the train station when I asked her to blow the smoke from her cigarette in my face. Random I know, but it quelled the craving and calmed my homicidal tendencies so it was well worth it!

I shall tame this monster, we’ve been battling head on now for 18 days, 21 hours, 7 minutes and 41 seconds, not that I’m counting. It’s definitely a struggle, but I am determined to give it my best shot. 

Cold turkey was always something I really looked forward to after Christmas, it’s lovely in a sandwich with a little lettuce and potato salad, now though it has new meaning. It means I have to carry on with this quest without the assistance of patches, gum or any other type of nicotine supplement. Why I hear you ask (if you’re nosey), well because I never want to go through this kind of cold turkey ever again.

2017 is the year and I’ve started step one! When I figure out what comes next I’ll let you know. I didn’t even realise until today I was on a ladder.

Wish me luck, I bloody well need it!

Please note no persons or pencils were harmed in the making of this post…well, not yet anyway! 

What’s next?

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This is my little space, this place right here. It’s been a long time since I actually looked at it on anything other than a mobile phone.

I’m sitting here tonight and Steve’s Radio show is playing in the background, the tweets are flying and my ears are being assaulted by Christmas music. It almost feels normal, even though I know deep down it’s not. The events of the last few months have taken their toll on me and I think I am only starting to realise it now.

I miss my friends here and the community and looking at my page and listening to Steve has reminded me of that, but I don’t think I am the same person that I was before and I am not sure what I am going to write here now. My counselling is teaching me that I no longer need to please others, I simply need to please myself. As a result of that do I let go and write what I want to, all those random and strange little thoughts that float around in my brain that no one else would understand….that I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t feel that giving up is an option, I like being here and if I can make just one person smile, laugh or feel something then I am content. I’ve said so many times before that nowhere else on the internet will you find such a diverse group of people who band together and stand together, helping people, sometimes without even realising it.

Someone asked me when I wrote the post about my Mum passing why I closed off the comments. I gave it some thought and explained that firstly, emotionally I was not going to be able to answer all the comments, I needed to write it and move on, and secondly, because I didn’t need people to put in writing what I knew they would be feeling.This community always has my back, have always had my back. I’ve been fixed when I was broken and been lifted when I fell. They have made me smile when I shed tears and shed tears when I was smiling. I just knew, and I didn’t know how to cope with what I knew was coming.

Things have changed. I miss my Mum and I am adjusting to life without her. It’s harder than I thought but I will get there. I am ready for life to go back to normal and for people to stop sympathising. I need space to breathe and gather my own thoughts. I need to get myself fully immersed back into work so I can go back to doing all the other little bits and pieces that need done.

New year, New me. How many times have I said that before. This time last year I was not in counselling so here’s hoping!

I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but I hope you stick around to find out. No matter what you can bet it’ll be a roller coaster, so buckle up bitches!

Keep Breathing…

I’ll start this post tonight, but it is unlikely I will finish. It’s 23.16 and I really should be in bed, but as usual I am not. I’m tried, emotional exhaustion as opposed to physical exhaustion, although it’s there too.

I’m listening, and I can’t hear anything and it’s a blessing, it means all is peaceful, something that in this household has been severely lacking of late. There is no shouting, crying, cursing or stamping of feet. The Mothership is in respite and I can breathe.

A few weeks back a routine glucose check promoted an urgent trip to the hospital, where it was discovered that she has iron deficiency anaemia. They don’t know the reason and because of her level of understanding are not sure they can complete the necessary examinations. 9 hours we waited while she was topped up with both blood and iron. We hoped that perhaps that had been the reason for the decline in mood, but we were wrong and things steadily got worse.

The Fathership contacted her social worker and when she eventually returned his call a visit was arranged. They discussed carers, incontinence clinics, day care centres and medications. There was no discussion about what you do when you feel you’re at the end of your rope and have no strength left to tie a knot and hang on.

We persevered for another couple of weeks, but there was no improvement and neither of us could remember the last time there had actually been a good day. Her new favourite word became no, which she said a lot when we were trying to get her to eat and drink, a vital part of staying alive.

I’ve cried so much this last 2 – 3 months, because there really is nothing else to do when you feel there is no where else to turn. You look at the person before you and in your head you check off all the tactics that you have tried to stop the shouting and crying, and when you realise that you’ve actually reached the end of your list you think how, how the fuck am I going to deal with this person.

In sheer desperation the Fathership contacted her Doctor and outlined everything that had been going on, the lack of eating and drinking and the increase in the aggression and she took the decision to have her placed into respite for a couple of weeks in order that she could be assessed to see if perhaps there were any other underlying reasons for the decline.

I cannot explain the weight that has been lifted off our shoulders even if it is for a short time. How delighted I was to be able to sit down and watch the TV or sleep all through the night, something that I had not been able to do in the last 2 months.

It’s not been the stress free week that I hoped however, one set of worries just becomes replaced by new ones, like how is she getting on, will she kick off with the staff, will she fret for home and also, will she hate us for placing her in there in the first place. There are still things to be done, certainly a lot around the house and lets face it the cooking and cleaning never stops. I badly need to catch up on sleep, because the world is a scary place when you are suffering from a lack of it.

She’s been in for almost a week and I have not yet been to see her. I’m not sure people understand my reasoning, but in order for me to make the most of this time I have been given I need to try and distance myself, because if I go to visit and she is either upset or accusatory then it is going to take away any of the benefit that this period of peace should have.

Others have reported that she is doing well. albeit she will not eat and drink more than the minimum for the nurses either. She seems to like the company and to be honest that was a fear of mine for the last few weeks, that she was lacking the interaction with people other than myself and the Fathership.

We have big decisions to make, but I think we all know that the time is coming when we will have to choose where the best place for her to be is. We can’t seem to make her happy any more and if she needs that connection with others then perhaps she needs to be where that can be provided.

I’m trying to take one day at a time, but already thoughts of her return home are crowding my head, because when you have had that little bit of freedom and realise what life can be like, you realise it’s going to be very hard to return to how things were.

One day at a time eejit, one day at a time. Keep breathing.

(As predicted, this post took me 4 days to complete)

SSDD but that’s life!

Yet again it’s hard to believe it’s been almost three weeks since I sat down to write. As usual, it’s not because I didn’t want to,  I think about writing all the time, it just never happens.

Last week I had this crazy idea that I was going to carry my lap top to work with me, take a half day  and spend the afternoon somewhere in the city with a cup of coffee while leeching free WiFi off the person who provided it, blogging away to my hearts content about all that was going on around me. It never happened, there are usually conflicting interests these days, something always needs done that is slightly more important than anything else.

I’ve been struggling lately, home life has been.. I dunno actually, how do I describe it, well lets just say things are not getting any better. There is just no escape from it, hence the reason behind my wish for an impromptu afternoon. Every day I lose a little bit more of my free time, I’ll only have just sat down  before the Mothership comes a knocking, which makes me want to knock my head repeatedly against a wall. The worst bit is that lately she has been more vocal, so when she’s shouting at me that I do nothing for her while sucking up my free time, well you get the drift right, there is only so much counting to ten a sane person can do. It’s exhausting.

Work has been hectic, relentless sometimes, but yesterday was the first time I’ve worked a weekend in a while and even then I only worked for half a day. I don’t want to be in the position where I have too much time again.

I need to stop getting so stressed out about simple things, I feel like such a second rate citizen sometimes, like I am lagging behind, even though everyone tells me that is not the case. Lack of sleep honestly has a lot to answer for, it makes everything seem worse than it actually is. Last night I was so tired I got into bed at 8.30pm and set my alarm for 30 mins just so I could have a nap to tide me over till the Mothership came up for the bedtime routine. At one point in the midst of all the shouting when she finally did come up, I was begging her just to go to bed because I was so tired. By the time I eventually got everything sorted I was wide awake again, go figure. Yet without fail I’ll be woken at 7am the next morning with her screaming because shock feckin horror the Fathership is trying to wash her hands.

There have however been little glimmers of the good stuff in the middle of the mire. I’ve got Spotify premium, well I have it for 3 months anyway owing to the fact that it was on offer at 99p! I know fine well that I am going to be gutted when the trial runs out, but I’m not sure I can justify spending £9.99 a month. So if you have any chilled out music you think I might like then please let me know, I am always looking for additions to my Songs for Writing playlist.

I also had to get a new mobile phone which meant going back onto a contract. Mine was working not too bad, the only problem was it had completely run out of internal memory, even with all the non essential apps removed. So far so good the new one is much better, and ladies believe me, that extra half inch makes all the difference…..screen size ya dirty buggers! I do however miss my little notification light, there is no more blinking when someone from the outside world tries to contact me, instead I have to touch the phone but hey ho, I’ll get used to it.

It’s good  to be back, I’ve missed you guys :)

~

*SSDD – same shit, different day :)

It’s going to be one of those days…

 

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No matter how tired I am this weather I can never seem to get enough sleep. Granted, part of that is my own fault, I’m a bit of a night owl, but when I have the opportunity to sleep a little longer in the mornings it never happens and it’s extremely frustrating!

So here I sit with a banging headache, the next door neighbours dog is having a noisy showdown with the cockerel, as in one is chasing the shadows of birds and the other is trying to call for them. There is housework to be done and people to be fed and I just can’t be arsed doing any of it, no point in sugar coating how I feel, lack of sleep clearly makes me a cow.

I’ve missed not writing and reading blogs, but there has just been no time. It’s something I am going to have to rectify, because honestly, sometimes in the middle of everything that goes on I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

This last couple of weeks have been challenging, and it’s a stark reminder that things are going to get worse instead of better. Don’t get me wrong, the Fathership and I face each situation we come across, usually successfully, but it’s mentally and physically draining sometimes. It would be nice to think that in the midst of everything life would stop and give you a break when the shit hits the fan, but it doesn’t, so you have to deal with all these things whilst dealing with life too, which can be complicated enough on its own sometimes.

I’m sick of trying to explain to people what it’s like, or make excuses for the way I live my life or do things the way I do. I appreciate that most people mean well when they say, you just have to get up and do it (when referring to going out), but real life just doesn’t work that way and perhaps if they walked a couple of weeks in my shoes they would realise that. I mean would you get up and leave a two year old child and go to dinner without putting any preparation in place, because that’s what dealing with someone with dementia is like. Any deviations from the normal routine or changes to schedules can have disastrous effects and invoke meltdowns of epic proportions. Sometimes you have to weigh up the pros and cons and ask yourself is it worth having one night of fun to endure 6 nights of torture. When you’re already at the end of your rope and trying to hang on, then answer to that is no.

I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past couple of weeks, but on the rare chances I had to sit down I had nothing to say, because all of this was rattling around in my head and I couldn’t figure out if here was the platform for it, this is after all meant to be a humour blog. Although I suppose I do try to put my usual slight comedic spin on things. Both the Fathership and I agree on one thing, if we didn’t laugh we’d cry.

I suppose in the end, the conclusion I came to was this, it’s my blog, I can write what I want, and it is definitely better writing about these things to get them off my chest rather than keeping them bottled up. I have however (if I can figure it out) turned off the comments on this post. I don’t want sympathy, that’s not why I write, there are people in the world dealing with much worse things. I just need to expel my ramblings into the ether.

Trust me, it’s good to talk – even if it is just to yourself!

Love you all :)

 

 

My week summed up!

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Full of problems that were just to difficult for my poor little brain to solve.

Uncontrollable emotions – by Friday I lost my shit and had a mini meltdown.

Celebrating the fact that it was the weekend only to wake up on Saturday at 5.30am and feel like shit that just slid off a shovel.

Kicking ass in work on Friday night for the 2 hours it took to wait for the next train to arrive after I missed the first one. Cleaner inbox = slight smile on face, until I go back on Monday and it’s just as bad as ever.

Superior people who tell you to let them finish while not letting you get your point across at all!

Assholes – see above.

Keeping myself from slamming down the phone and walking out, which believe me was what I really wanted to do. Previous 2 points refer.

Exciting – The thought of going back to work on Monday and yes, that is sarcasm!

Look carefully – can you crack the code :)

 

 

What’s sleep?

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I’m tired. So tired in fact that if the Mothership asks me what the trousers I have left out are for one more time, I might possibly use them to strangle her. Not her fault I know, but she is part of the reason why I am so tired.

I resolved the weekend before last that it would be the final one I worked, but somehow I still found myself in on Saturday. I’m doing 9 hour days and throwing an extra one in at the weekend too and it’s not making a dent on the mountain of things that need done. I really wish I was the kind of person who could just say ‘fuck it’ and dander off.

I’m not sleeping either and that sucks. It’s like I have this little voice in my head going ‘hey you, yes you, it’s been an hour since you last looked at the clock……WAKE UP!’ and damn it I comply. When I do finally manage to fall over to sleep one of two things happen, either the alarm goes off and it’s time to get up for work, or the Mothership wakes me with her screaming at the Fathership. She can never understand why I bark like a dog whose just been stung like a bee, but ffs I just woke up thinking someone’s being murdered, not having their bloody hands washed.

Go to work. Drink coffee. Work……really need a power nap, but there’s no time…..work.

By the time I travel home, stand on trains, stand while waiting for trains, stand while making the dinner and doing the dishes my poor knees feel like they can no longer hold my weight and I can’t wait to collapse into a chair, and then I remember I need to leave out the tablets for tomorrow, wash spuds for tomorrow nights dinner and put on a load of washing, because lets face it if the Motherships ration of knickers falls below 15 you would think the world was going to end.

Back up the stairs, clothes laid out for work, and then a quick shower and  finally I get to sit down, god bless my recliner. The feeling of my feet being lifted off the floor is almost orgasmic and as I settle back to enjoy my 15 minutes of freedom I hear the pitter patter of tiny feet up the corridor.

FUCK!! is what I think, but I don’t voice it, I surprise myself sometimes with how calm I am. There’s no privacy in this house. I’m trying to write a post, maybe read a blog.

Then proceeds a 15 minute to and fro about which nightdress she will wear. When that’s settled, there will be perhaps another 5 trips into my room to confirm the decision that we made not five minutes before.

I don’t attempt to sit down again, there is no point. I just stand and wait.

10 minutes later there is the pitter patter of feet up the corridor once again and it’s time to do the teeth. It’ll take a good five minutes to convince her to give me the gnashers in the first place. Then I have to brush the ones that still remain in place, before confirming at least 10 times that the others are safe in the cup for the night and will be there in the morning.

Finally she goes to put the nightdress on. This whole process from start to finish can take about an hour, and meanwhile time is ticking away and my dreams of an early night are shattered.

I used to hate getting into bed before 12.30 am, it felt like such a waste of a night, now I love my bed, I can’t wait to crawl into it. My legs love me when I lie down.

I was so tired…………..but now I’m wide awake.

FUCK!!

Dementia…..if you didn’t laugh you’d cry!

Remember Me!

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It’s been so long since I’ve been here I’ve almost forgotten how to post. Ok so perhaps it’s not quite as drastic as that, but it has been a long time. I was happy to note however that there have not been too many more changes to the WordPress platform since my last visit, I was a tad worried.

So where have I been? Well I’ve been nowhere but right where I always am, I’ve just been caught up and getting squashed by life. We had a couple of really bad weeks with the Mothership meaning mentally I was not fit for any kind of interaction let alone writing. Every day it seems to be that a little more of my time becomes taken up with the things that need to be done, at this rate, there will be none left.

As far as Christmas goes I’m actually in fairly good shape. The Motherships cards are all written although it would seem she does not believe me, as every time a card is received she asks me at least ten times did they get one. Wonder no more why I hate the alleged season of being jolly, my good will meter is almost empty.

I’ve missed this place, but despite wanting to write and actually sitting down to write, nothing came to mind, mainly, because there were too many other things on my mind already.

I’m behind on reading too, sorry about that, again a combination of needing space and a rekindling of my love for Cookie Jam which has been keeping me amused on the journey to work. I also downloaded Candy Crush again, something I had not played much of since my leg recuperation days. I’ve lost most of my progress though and as a result am battling my way from the beginning, ripping my hair out in the process and wondering how I ever made it through these evil levels in the first place.

I have penned many posts previously in relation to my addiction to the above game, the search terms it generates, and the fact that some people play it naked….don’t even ask, but I swear this time, I am adopting a more level headed approach……I haven’t put it on my phone…..yet!

Anyway, I just though I would drop by, let you know I am still alive and give you a mini hi five, because you are after all, really rather awesome.

I’m hoping to get back to some normality soon, so see you on the flip side!