Ode to Candy Crush

candycrushsagalogoCandy Crush is doing my head in,
This is the worst it’s ever been,
The baffling combinations,
Are turning me 50 shades of green.

No matter how I use the sweets,
Be it stripe or be it wrap,
The bombs they come a tumbling
And turn my hopes and dreams to crap.

It’s messing with my blood pressure
In fact its messing with my life,
Absailing down Niagra Falls
Wouldn’t give me this much strife.

But I’ve now found the solution,
It will ease the mess I’m in,
Toffette has been abandoned
And my Nexus 7’s in the bin!!

Candy Crush – Sweet Search Terms II

Lots More Candy Crush Craziness!
Lots More Candy Crush Craziness!

I’m still laughing every day at the search terms that bring people to my blog with regards to Candy Crush. The whole world seriously has gone mad!

I have to be truthful and say that of late I have not been playing as much. This is for a couple of reasons:

  • Level 347 is a complete and utter bubbling pile of dung! (Wait, did I just experience a rush of  Candy Crush rage). Normally when you’re stuck or have been stuck on a level for a while you can at least see little flashes of hope. Not on this level, it’s a hope sucker extravaganza. It’s got so bad that I don’t even really want to try any more.
  • Since I started the whole blogging thing I’ve been adding witty, smart, entertaining and educating people to my Blogs I Follow list and they have been amusing me on my journeys to and from work! (Note to Blogs I Follow: Posting your pennings around 8am GMT would be just perfect for me, if you could thrown in a couple around 5.30pm too, better still! )

So here are some more Sweet Search Terms:

  • Candy Crush Rehab – You know I started out way back when thinking this was funny, but now I am starting to think there actually are a few (million) people out there who might indeed need to be collected by men in coloured, candy stripe clothing and taken for some counseling.
  • I have no photographs of my friends on Candy Crush – You’ll probably find that’s because no one will set it down long enough in order to take one.
  • Candy Crush Saga Subliminal Messages – See!! I’m not the only one who thinks this is a world wide conspiracy to fry our brains from the inside out. I don’t know about you lot, but I should be ok. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to fry fresh air!
  • Candy Crush Flu – I’m thinking the symptoms are more anxiety, self loathing related. You’re feeling anxious because you cannot get past a level and you’re full of self loathing because you cannot quite believe something as stupid as a game is making you feel anxious. It’s a vicious circle that is sending you subliminal messages at the same time. Step away!!
  • Why I feel depressed after playing Candy Crush – Because you’ve just realised you have wasted valuable minutes, hours and days of your life and you can’t quite understand why you suddenly have this strange desire to go to McDonald’s for a Bacon & Cheese Burger with extra Gherkins!
  • Telephone number to contact Candy Crush – 0800 H-E-L-P-M-E-P-L-E-A-S-E
  • Do you get aids playing Candy Crush – Even though there is bodily contact, heavy breathing and twiddling of knobs, I am pretty sure the answer is NO!
  • Can I connect Candy Crush to Facebook without anyone knowing – Shame on you! Face your addiction.
  • Why my mouse could not play Candy Crush – I’m not really sure why this was. Did you set the device the right way up in the cage and make sure it was not covered with sawdust? I’m at a bit of a loss, because clearly your mouse is more intelligent than you!
  • Can I play candy crush naked – Two things bother me about this. Why do you feel the need to ask, you complete and utter exhibitionist. If you want to let it all hang out, you work away! Secondly why did it lead you to my blog. I SWEAR I have never played Candy Crush naked, I would never subject poor little Tofette to something like that!

Candy Crush Catastrophe!

img004I’m beginning to think that Candy Crush is a bigger epidemic than bird flu!

The number of hits I have had has been staggering, the wording of search terms amusing.

I have had hits from all over the world all asking the same thing, Candy Crush quests, why am I addicted to Candy Crush, more lives, new sweets…..its never ending! I’m starting to worry for the world as a whole, that we are being sucked into a huge sweetie coated vortex!

What if they start to send out subliminal messages via the game. Unwittingly we will be cast under a blanket spell, at the mercy of the kings at King.com. Candy Crush Zombies will start to appear in multi coloured clothing, chomping their way through everything in sight,  excreting striped, wrapped and spotted candies.

People will re name their houses things like, Chocolate Barn, Caramel Cove and Gingerbread Glade.

Tofette will become the most popular girls name ever.

Seriously people, it’s a game! Admittedly it is a very amusing and addictive one, but it is a game none the less.

People have racked up huge bills buying lives, boarding tickets and other candy crunching accessories. If you have Facebook you DO NOT have to pay for anything, you just need to have patience. One of the charms on my app costs £27.99. I was so horrified I removed my details from Play just in case I would accidentally hit the button and purchase one, I certainly would never intentionally pay that amount of money, I couldn’t afford to pay that amount of money!

It’s also made us very antisocial. We don’t sit around and talk anymore. We tap, sigh, point and poke away the hours. I’ve known couples to converse via text or even worse via Facebook.

Am I a Candy Crush addict? I’d say no, but isn’t that what all addicts say. I like to play to pass time, but not to waste time. My removal of mysself from Facebook and subsquetly out of my CC family has not caused  me any anxiety or extra grey hairs. I play my 5 lives and am quite content to wait until they refresh. I do however refuse to pay to board the mode of transport required to take me to the next level, for that I may indeed have to swallow my pride and return to Facebook.

My point, I don’t want to be a Candy Crush Zombie, I can take it or leave it, can you say the same?

Candy Crush – Sweet Search Terms!

Candy Crush

I just love checking out the Search Engine Terms on my Stats Page. Some of them are hilarious, but none more so that the Candy Crush ones, so my sweet addicted pals, here is my take on your searches:

  • Candy Crush – Do you really have to wait 24 hours between quests? : No you don’t! You initially get 5 lives, you lose one every time you fail a level. You gain a new life every 30 minutes (on my app anyways), however if you are connected to Facebook you can hound your friends until they eventually send you one just to shut you up.
  • Candy Crush for Xbox? – Not out yet as far as I know. Not even sure if it ever will be. Please don’t release it on another platform or I’ll be a total lost cause!
  • Candy Crush 7 Windows Firewall Setting? – Say wha?! is there something I am missing here, can it be played somewhere else on a PC bar Facebook?
  • Candy Crush Mistakes – The biggest mistake of all is ever starting to play the damn game!
  • Candy Crushing Equipment – Usually your teeth are the best weapon, however your dentist is going to be none to happy! With regards to the game, I have noticed additional tools are not available on the Apps, however when the game is played via the PC you can get various Candy Crushing aids to help you on your quest, one, funnily enough being a set of teeth!
  • Candy Crush Depression – I’m suffering it at the minute for two reasons. The first is I am again stuck, level 323 this time, it’s a total nightmare. It makes me want to jump up and down, curse, scream and bounce my shiny Google Nexus against a wall. The second reason is, when I reach the end of this pathway there is a Spanner. I can go no further. No more Candy Crush. FFS. Well not until they build the next levels anyway.
  • I think Candy Crush may be taking over my life – If you’re worried enough to Google it then you are probably correct. But admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Welcome to the fold!
  • Tickets to Candy Crush – Ask your friends or buy them. Remember though buying things can be VERY costly. It might not seem like much at the time but it all adds up. I personally pester people on Bakebook.
  •  Addicted to candy crush saga, wanna learn how to make a candy crush cake – So am I! I don’t wanna learn how to make a cake though, sorry, but I’ll certainly help you eat that bad boy!
  • Goodbye Candy Crush. Before it’s to late. Uninstalled – This one has to be the winner! It’s so dramatic. Wonder how long they lasted.

Keep them coming, I love having a giggle at the things people search for which ultimately leads them to my Blog!

Picture Credit – Ian Hughes (click the picture for his link)

Crushing the Candy Addiction!

823492_10151473525769758_1375313889_oI’ve been staring at the screen for 15 minutes now. I even secured myself a table on the train. A window seat no less, with a view of the water.

The problem is, I can think of nothing to write. Instead of lots of smart and humorous ideas bouncing around in  the empty space between my ears, I’m thinking how long will it take the spuds (potatoes) to boil and how  can I stop myself from eating the contents of the fridge while they do.

I decided I was going to start a diet today. Actually I hate that word, let me try that again. I decided I was going to try and stop eating junk today,and now it’s all I can think about.

I’m utterly depressed at the thought of a world without crisps, or potato chips as Shady calls them. I could almost cry at the thought of never screwing upfried eggs my face while chomping on a Refresher bar, or Oooing and aaahing over a Drumstick.

Don’t even get me started on the Wine Gummies, Foam Mushrooms, the new Squashies range and the entire Fun Gums range, which has the teeth and toothbrushes and my absolute favourite, FRIED EGGS!!

Swizzels Matlow, you have a lot to answer for, you have ruined me for other confectionery!!

Chocolate I can take or leave, but I am helpless when it comes to jellies and chews! I am like the veritable kid in a sweetie shop. After 30 mins I am the kid who has had wayyy to many E numbers, hyper hyper! I can easily spend a half hour in the sweet aisle, drooling shamelessly.

But I need to stop! To exercise willpower!I need to get  grip on my sweetie addiction before I no longer have a tooth in my head and Alien Leg and her sister buckle underneath my weight!

I will limit myself to only having sweets at the weekend. A treat on a Friday night….I mean after a long hard week it’s no less than I deserve. I just hope that shop still has the offer on the party buckets!! ;)


(Click the link at the top of the page to visit the Swizzels Matlow Website and discover all the dreamy deliciousness for yourself!)

Candy Crush…the continuing saga….

I may be approaching the stage where I spontaneously combust.

I think Level 285 has me beat. I’ve been playing for what seems like weeks and I am getting nowhere! Usually I can see some kind of progress, some chink of light leading to the end of the tunnel! Not this time, the black out curtains are completely drawn, there is nothing but darkness and despair ahead of me on my Candy Crush journey and I am losing the will to partake of my 5 lives!

My trauma is like a mushroom of despair, fanning over my friends. I may even be suffering from Candy Crush depression. I no longer send lives, I have adopted the If I am not going to progress then neither are you attitude. It’s all I can do to not stamp my feet and throw my teddy out of the pram.

Too add to my situation I discovered a grey hair on my head, I definitely did not have that when I was on level 284! I am doomed……..

Last night I had a nightmare that I was being squashed between a striped and a wrapped Candy, they were choking the life out of me. Then spotty fish came and I had palpitations and fell out of the bed!

I rang the CCCS this morning, I was desperate. I found their number in the Yellow Pages. How was I to know they were all about free debt advice, I thought it stood for Candy Crush Counselling Services and not Consumer Credit Counselling Services. She informed me they are now called Step Change. I apologised profusely and said yes I understand, I am going to have to make steps to change as well or Candy Crush will be the death of me.

Candy Crush


Candy Crush is taking over my life!

It all started in the middle of Phase One of leg rehab! I had a series of leg strengthening exercises to do while lying on the bed! There is only so much surfing the net and reading the news you can do, so one day I made the mistake of accepting an invite from Facebook in relation to Candy Crush. It became my new guilty pleasure, strengthening my muscles while crushing multi coloured candies whiled away the boring hours.

It’s entertaining but it can also be extremely frustrating, I have lost count of the number of times I have wanted to smash my tablet against the wall, mind you I have also had that feeling while playing the Xbox too, my poor poor controller. I’ve not yet followed through on either, but I’m smart enough to never say never.

There are levels that you can breeze through and there are levels that have taken me two weeks. I’m adept at begging for tickets to board the train and extra lives. It’s infuriating when you run out just as you think you are getting somewhere. I’ve been so desperate to play on I’ve moved my tablet on 24 hours just to get 5 more lives, then 24 more and 24 more. When I eventually returned it to the original date the little timer had had a nervous breakdown and told me I could not have another life for 2354783 hours! Uninstall and reinstall, all back to normal.

I’m currently at level 275 and I’m starting to panic that I may run out of juicy levels to play! I think having to cope without Candy Crush would be worse than trying to give up cigarettes. What else would I do on my daily train journeys.

Everyone should try this game at least once, but I urge you to exercise caution. Be prepared to kiss goodbye to valuable minutes, even hours of your life!

Any problems contact me for Candy Crush Counselling! I accept payment in Candy Crush Currency…errm I mean Google Play Vouchers!! lol It’s a good job I’m only joking cos I’d be no help whatsoever, you’d be better calling Ghostbusters!!