Feeling Strange

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

A St Paddy’s Saturday Catch Up

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Well good morning to you all and Happy St Patrick’s Day. Sadly I am celebrating by grabbing a quick 10 minutes to update you and then with a mountain of housework, but I’m not too worried because the rest of Ireland and even the world have it covered.

It seems like such a long time since I sat down to write anything, in fact it even feels weird sitting in front of my computer as it has not been used that much of late either.

I’ve missed here and reading about all the stories of your days and lives, and I try to catch up where I can, but things have been so busy of late there has just been no time to update you.

My little head has been busy, there is a lot going on in there. Work has been playing on my mind for various different reasons and sometimes I think that perhaps I may need to re-visit my counsellor for a couple of sessions just to try and get things straight in my own head. I know it is my own fault for dealing with things the way I do, continuing to see the bad despite assurances from others. As someone said to me the other day, my cup is always half empty, and this is true. No matter what, I will always consider everything to be my fault. This is something I need to work on if I am ever going to move forward.

Life in general has been good though, I’ve been in contact with a friend and I am enjoying the interaction. I’m almost scared to say it, cup half empty and all that, but there have been days where I would say I have definitely been happy! Not something I have felt for a very long time. There is also a possible day trip with the girls in my future, a chance to kick back and relax.

I’ve finally given myself a kick up the backside and started to lose the additional weight I gained when I stopped smoking over a year ago now. To date I have lost 1 stone 2 lb’s. I’m not sure it’s all that noticeable yet, but I feel it in small ways and so does alien leg. I’ve a long way to go and the hardest relationship break up ever is going to be between myself and my dearly beloved Malteasers, but it is going to have to happen.

I hope in the future if things improve that my self confidence will too, but just right now it is proving to be one battle I constantly lose. The sad realisation from my counselling remains true, if I cannot learn to accept /love myself, how will I ever let any one else. I constantly question past events and wonder if they will repeat themselves. Events where I was never quite good enough.

It is not enough to hope to be happy, it has to actually happen. Send good will my way : )

Happy Saturday one and all, I hope you have been well and you have always been in my thoughts : )

Thank Feck it’s Friday!

Yet another Friday dawns. The end of the working week and the start of the weekend, which sadly will most likely see me working too.

It’s been a mixed week this week, full of ups and downs, highs and lows and there’s still one full day to go, seeing as it’s only Friday morning.

My headaches have been back because I’m stressing myself out about how much I need to get done versus having very little free time to do it, and work has been hectic too, which hasn’t helped.

I haven’t written much of anything, mainly because I haven’t had the time, or after a busy working day I haven’t been able to shake my brain cells into positive action. When you don’t have that many you have to be protective of them!

I did however meet friends for dinner which is always good fun. Especially when one them was confused over a sweet side served with the duck owing to the fact she got her pancettas and panna cottas mixed up. In the end she opted for another dish. What an eejit!

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It’s now 9 hours later and Friday is finally over, thank feck. I can honestly say I feel like I’ve been put through a wringer. I don’t quite know whether I’m blown up or stuffed! The legacy of freaky Fridays continue. It seems to be the day the weird, wonderful and wacky send queries my way. I can’t quite contain my happiness at the thought of having to do it all again on Monday!

There is still the shopping to do, oh joy, and the dinner to make, yipeee, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep.

The sun is shining though, so that’s a plus, and we’re having pizza for tea which ticks another box, my favourite one, the I don’t have to put in too much effort option, so that’s all good too.

Now if I could just get the fairies to do my housework, we might be on to a winner with this weekend!

What’s your plans Eejits?

All the small things

I feel like I’ve been struggling a bit of late. Struggling to keep on top of my mental well-being, which in turn has resulted in an inability to write.

In the face of competing demands I just seem to shut down. I’d been trying to juggle too many things and the pressure was beginning to show. I was starting to dread going to work because I wasn’t sure I could cope with any more of the curve balls it had to throw at me.

I was worried about other things I needed to complete outside of work and how I was going to get the time to get them done.

I was tired. I am tired.

I was forgetting though that I am just one person. I can’t do everything all at once and I deserve time for myself without feeling guilty about it.

Its so easy when the pressures on to forget about the little things and the little things are actually very important.

Like the fact that I love my new work colleague, in fact all my colleagues. I love how she gets my sense of humour and work aside it’s like she’s always been there. She fits in.

I love that I feel comfortable with these people and that they can turn my frown upside down.

I love my friends, who without knowing I’m feeling the darkness give me something to brighten it, in the form of an empty gin bottle and a rechargable string of lights. Like I said, small things mean a lot.

I need to not forget these things, because they make this life what it is. It’s far from perfect, but for every low there is a high, we just need to acknowledge that.

What’s next?

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This is my little space, this place right here. It’s been a long time since I actually looked at it on anything other than a mobile phone.

I’m sitting here tonight and Steve’s Radio show is playing in the background, the tweets are flying and my ears are being assaulted by Christmas music. It almost feels normal, even though I know deep down it’s not. The events of the last few months have taken their toll on me and I think I am only starting to realise it now.

I miss my friends here and the community and looking at my page and listening to Steve has reminded me of that, but I don’t think I am the same person that I was before and I am not sure what I am going to write here now. My counselling is teaching me that I no longer need to please others, I simply need to please myself. As a result of that do I let go and write what I want to, all those random and strange little thoughts that float around in my brain that no one else would understand….that I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t feel that giving up is an option, I like being here and if I can make just one person smile, laugh or feel something then I am content. I’ve said so many times before that nowhere else on the internet will you find such a diverse group of people who band together and stand together, helping people, sometimes without even realising it.

Someone asked me when I wrote the post about my Mum passing why I closed off the comments. I gave it some thought and explained that firstly, emotionally I was not going to be able to answer all the comments, I needed to write it and move on, and secondly, because I didn’t need people to put in writing what I knew they would be feeling.This community always has my back, have always had my back. I’ve been fixed when I was broken and been lifted when I fell. They have made me smile when I shed tears and shed tears when I was smiling. I just knew, and I didn’t know how to cope with what I knew was coming.

Things have changed. I miss my Mum and I am adjusting to life without her. It’s harder than I thought but I will get there. I am ready for life to go back to normal and for people to stop sympathising. I need space to breathe and gather my own thoughts. I need to get myself fully immersed back into work so I can go back to doing all the other little bits and pieces that need done.

New year, New me. How many times have I said that before. This time last year I was not in counselling so here’s hoping!

I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but I hope you stick around to find out. No matter what you can bet it’ll be a roller coaster, so buckle up bitches!

Two tits, a Duck and a Dartboard!

Boiling PointYesterday! It was like any normal Tuesday, except I felt the need to repeatedly bang my head against the table. Back to back meetings had me climbing the walls by around 11am and there I stayed for pretty much the rest of the day.

Came home. It was like any other Tuesday only I felt the need to bang my head repeatedly against any solid surface. I actually felt like going and sitting in the garden shed for an hour just to get some peace and quiet, only it was fecking freezing and there is every possibly there are mice in there, so yeah…..feck dat!

I didn’t have high hopes for Wednesday, but as hump days go, it was slightly unshittier than the others. I came home to the most amazing little parcel from Mental Mama over at Mental in the Midwest full of lots of little goodies like a candle in a holder, earrings, a phone charm, chocolate and a beautiful little snowflake for the Christmas tree. Each little piece was handmade by the lady herself, which makes it all the more special. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat!

Then later when I was trying to find a post on my blog I realised that I have reached 700 followers, well on the front page anyway. Have you any idea how momentous that is? Probably not, but trust me, it’s Mo fecking Mentous! Who’d have thought eh, certainly not me.

You know I have said it before and I have no doubt I will say it a million more times, but blogging has meant an awful lot to me. By far and away, the best bit is the interaction with other people. Think about it, you have a problem, you Google it. Bloggers have a problem, we write about it, because there is almost always someone within your circle of followers who has experienced something similar and has words of wisdom to offer. Trust me consider bloggling it next time.

I’ve read blog posts in relation to other people who are in a similar situation to myself with regards to looking after someone with Dementia. It’s opened my eyes, because I now realise there are certain traits that are related to the illness and not the individual person. It nice to realise you’re not alone, because as much as people want to understand, they can’t, unless they are living in the same situation day in and day out.

It’s amazing how you can form connections with people you have never met, through this one common bond that we have called blogging. I have been so lucky with the people who have found me and visa versa. Each and every person is unique and amazing and really rather awesome if the truth be told. I love you all.

If you have made it to the end of my post then thank you very much, and I have no doubt you are wondering as to why the title is what it is. Well in the middle of writing this there was some social interaction with a certain Mr Smith. I joked that this was the title of the post I was writing and I kinda liked it, so now it is :) Hopefully it grabbed you attention!

Night night now :) x

Be Yourself!

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Image from http://www.zazzle.co.nz

Being an eejit I decided to read up on the ‘How to Blog’ sections of WordPress after I had already signed up and posted a couple of times. I’ve said it before and I will say it a million more times, I am not the brightest pixie in the forest!

My approach to learning is rather lazy. I’ll find as much reading material as I can about my chosen subject matter, and then proceed to skim the pages until I locate the information I require. If it’s something that matters to me it will stick in my brain, meaning the papers get discarded and I ultimately become bored because I achieved my original goal.

Had I read all the information with regards to blogging before hand, the chances are I would never have started, and even though I already had a few followers, I still felt I was doomed for failure. I was just not ordered and disciplined enough to follow all the guidelines.

Everyone advised me that in order to succeed I had to pick a subject and stick to it ensuring I had a consistent theme running throughout. That was a huge problem for me. You see I am good at little bits and pieces of many things but I am not a master of any. I knew myself that if I chose this path then I would stumble at the first hurdle.

It takes a while initially to find your feet, and it takes even longer to become truly comfortable in your surroundings. Do I feel comfortable yet? The honest answer to that would have to be, probably not. I still worry each time I publish a post. I practically had a mini meltdown the first time I posted on Okay, What If?, just ask Jed.

I had this idea at the start that I was going to be fine and post anything I wanted as I was essentially posting to strangers, but over time I got to know the strangers and they became friends and then like a second family and I realised that I cared what they thought.

I write about anything and everything that comes to mind. Sometimes I don’t write anything at all, especially on the days when the Mothership is experiencing turbulence. On those days anxiety cripples me and I find it hard to function, never mind string together a legible sentence.

I’ve been lucky, everyone who has clicked the follow button either likes my haphazard style of writing, or has been too polite to mention anything. One sure thing is, none of them have ever told me I need to pick a subject and stick to it. I’m still amazed I have any followers at all. 10 months on and I still experience a little rush of delight from every like, comment and follow.

So the point of this post is, never mind what the guidelines advise you to do. Just do what you want to do. I have a very strong belief now, after being lucky enough to find all the people that I have, that those who are meant to be around, and with you will find you, we’re all here for a reason.

I don’t want to be rich or famous, I just want to make people smile :)

Don’t be afraid of the dark!

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Image by Jim Pennucci

Imagine WordPress is a lake, where the waters are calm and still. This morning when I opened the reader, something felt different, almost like a storm was brewing. There were ripples on the normally smooth surface of the water. Sadness, people leaving, people hurting, it kind of knocked me for six a little.

When I started blogging I have to admit I was a little scared. Sure I had experience of WordPress before, but that was on a self hosted blog that no one ever read. The first couple of months contained many days of me stumbling around in the dark trying to find my way, experimenting and generally teaching myself how to publish a post.

For the first while you hang around unseen, watching and hoping one day you are brave enough to comment on that post that you really liked. You quickly find all the ‘cool’ blogs, because those are the ones everyone gravitates to. You don’t feel worthy to be seen, so you observe from a distance, thinking, ‘when I grow up, I want to be a blog just like that one.’

You feel that every post you write deserves to be Freshly Pressed and obsessively check your e-mails in case you delete that precious message by mistake. Then when you have the time you actually check out some of the posts that have been given the award and reality slaps your resoundly about the face when you realise that if that’s the standard that is required then it’s never coming your way. As time goes on you realise it doesn’t matter anyway, there are much more worthwhile reasons to blog.

Still you hanker after the cool blogs, liking and commenting in the hopes of being noticed, because after all that’s what you are advised to do, get yourself out there and make new friends. Your pride is a little dented when after a month you have still gone unnoticed,  but a few strangers stop by to say hello.

The strangers become friends, and bring some of their own along. The craic is good and before you know it you are visiting the cool blogs less and less. You have the approval of the people that matter to you, and that’s more than enough.

One day you realise that all blogs are the same, because they are being run by humans and humans make mistakes. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than worthy, appreciate those who already think you are good enough.

Don’t be afraid of the dark, and don’t be dazzled by bright lights, it’s all the little ones that come when you least expect it that light your way! Don’t give up, they will find you.

Well hello there 2014!

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Image from Amazing Photos

Tomorrow has become today, so you know what that means right, yep, it’s New Year! It’s been a very quiet day, I remarked to my friend whilst we were having lunch that, for me anyway, it did not feel like New Years Eve at all.

Now the night has arrived I almost feel like I should be doing something, I dunno, let’s say swinging my granny pants over my head on a dance floor somewhere. The sad reality is though that I am so tired I am considering falling into bed and sleeping through the big event. I’m crafty though, I am going to type this now and schedule it for just after midnight. If you are reading it on the 1st of January (GMT) then my first foray into the world of scheduling was a resounding success.

2013 has been an up and down year for me. I had high hopes after the disaster that was 2012 that the new year was going to bring great things. In some ways it did, but it’s still been challenging none the less.

I finally admitted to myself that after the whole alien leg thing I was struggling with a bout of mild depression. In relation to the  recovery process I had been prepared for the physical pressure, but I had no idea how badly it would affect me mentally. I’m used to being able to do most things for myself, so having to take a back seat in some aspects and even rely on other people for assistance did not sit well with me. I still get extremely frustrated when there are things I can’t do, or on the days when I feel like the lower half of my body belongs to someone else. I’m learning to cope with the back pain that comes from the change to my gait, and the fact that my leg gives out at random intervals. The whole healing process is just going to take a little longer than I initially thought.

The biggest changes this year have been to my home life, with my Mum having stroke damage / dementia. Looking back it’s hard to believe I ever had a part time job. As things stand currently there is no way I would be able to return. Most days I adopt the ‘just get on with it’ attitude, but occasionally I feel it sitting very heavily on my shoulders and worrying about the future suffocates me. People tell me not to worry, but unless you are living in the situation day in, day out, it’s a rather rash statement to make. Here’s the thing though, I’m a bit of a believer in the saying ‘Things happen for a reason’, so I think there is a reason why I am here, it’s just not become apparent yet. I am extremely lucky to have good family and friends whose hands help me up when I am feeling down.

In 2013 I started blogging. The Geeky G4mer became The Indecisive Eejit and I found a little space on blogsphere where I was happy. I could never have imagined how much of a lift it would give me when on the 31st March 2013 I published my first post entitled ‘Ach what about ye’. In all honesty I had no intentions of staying, I figured it would be just another one of my fly by night ideas, but then a wonderful little thing known as interaction happened.

People started liking and commenting and following and as I got to know them all a new little group of friends formed, not to replace, but to compliment those I already had.

There have been days when the forecast has looked bleak and one of you has added a ray of sunshine. You all, have been an immense help to me, giving me a reason to keep on with my writing, offering me encouragement, sympathy, love and hope. I honestly do believe I would not have made it through unscathed without your support.

So to all of you, Internet friends, real life friends and my family, I wish you nothing but the best for 2014. Set your expectations low, but aim big.

Pri-Li sent me this via Facebook and I just had to share, because it summed up this Eejit and her followers perfectly:

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every numpty can read, but look at you havin a go!
This is a sentimental time of the year.
Please send an encouraging message to fucked up friends, just as I’ve done.
I don’t care if you lick windows, or occasionally shit yourself.
You hang in there cupcake, you’re fuckin special, you’re my mate!
Look at you smiling at your phone!

 

In the midst of the Meh!

 

I’m not a big lover of posting videos, I like to share my music tastes as the ‘In my music bubble’ page shows, but I didn’t like having to make people watch things. A few others have been sharing their music using you tube video’s and I realised it was actually a great way to share the songs here. How could I have been so stupid, I mean how did I think people were going to find my offerings. Stupid cow, can I blame the fact that I am an eejit? Thank you Rob and NBI for opening my eyes :)

I’ve been feeling a little off kilter for the past couple of weeks. I can’t seem to put my finger on why, but my happiness meter is nowhere near where it should be. I suppose I can take some comfort from the fact that I am able to recognize the dips, I’ve had them before.

Even before my friend came on holiday, my posting had been a little sporadic, mainly because of the way I had been feeling.

I would describe myself as two halves, on one hand you have the person you all know, the jokey one, who gets a kick from entertaining and loves all the interaction.

On the other hand you have the constant worrier. The older I get, the worse it gets. This half still loves all the interaction, but doesn’t feel particularly deserving of it, in fact I think you’re all nuts and hiding behind rose tinted glasses lol I still get scared to comment, even though I know in my heart of hearts you will understand me and get what it is I am trying to say. This half is eternally grateful to you all, well actually both halves are, because you all make me feel grounded and a part of something. I adore the interaction. You’ve helped my quiet side step out from the shadows.

I wanted this blog to be a happy place, I didn’t want to bring my other side in, however the downside of that, is that when you are feeling a little ‘meh’ you either don’t want to write or feel that you can’t.

It’s stupid that I should put restrictions on myself, at the end of the day this is my blog and I can write what I want. I don’t need to seek approval. Anyone who is a friend will accept me for all the parts of me, not just the ones I chose to show at any given time. There are no hard and fast rules that state I have to be happy all the time, although given the choice and a slightly less wonky top box, that would be the preferred option.

I am my own worst critic, of that there is no doubt. I am never happy, no matter how well I do at something, but I am going to try and make changes. At the end of the day, if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how can I expect others to be comfortable around me. I am in awe of the eejits that have already pulled up their recliners and settled down around me, you are more than welcome, now put the kettle on would ya? I brought biscuits!

I’m telling you this because I want to. I’m letting you know that in the life of The Indecisive Eejit, whilst it is always indecisive, it is not always rainbows and unicorns. I’m preparing you for the fact that I might let the blog ship sail on stormy days and not just the sunshine ones.

I’m also, if we go right back to the beginning of this post and how it started out, sharing a you tube video of the latest song I like listening to whilst I am wallowing around in the big pond of mehness that surrounds me.

I hope you like it too and thank you for being here, you complete and utter bunch of eejits :)