Tomorrow is a new day

Image from My Status 360

It’s probably a bad idea to write a blog post when you’re cross, and I am cross today. Its been another fun filled day in the office and I’ve completely fallen out with myself. About 45 minutes after going in, I wanted to turn on my heel and go back out, but I didn’t have the balls.

It’s fitting I suppose that I should feel like this, because I’ve finally stopped wondering what I am going to do with my blog. After much pondering, humming and haaahing I’ve decided I’m going to do nothing. Nothing drastic anyway.

This blog is important for me, especially on days like today where I need to stop, sit down and have a serious fucking think about where my life is going.

You see if it wasn’t for this space and it’s blank pages, I probably wouldn’t talk about the veritable storm that goes on between my ears. Instead I’d dwell, ponder and make mountains out of molehills. More so than I do normally.

I’m not the same person I was four years ago when I started this blog and it’s unlikely that I ever will be again, so I need to stop pretending to be someone I am not and embrace who I am becoming instead.

In order to do that I need to be able to write everything and about all parts of me. When I started blogging and chose to be anonymous, things were a lot easier, but when people from real life started to find out my words became stifled. So much so that despite the fact that my mind was awash with ideas, many posts remained in my head unwritten.

In reality I like to think that sometimes I can be funny, but I am hounded by anxiety and I have no doubt that often times depression nips at my heels. So I suppose in essence that means there are two sides to me, on one hand we have the public persona and on the other we have the private one. Although both are very different, when they are put together they make up the person I am.

I need and want to be able to express myself on this blog, and going forward that is something I am going to try to do. I don’t need anyone to worry about me. I find writing extremely therapeutic, it helps me to put things into perspective and sort them out. I don’t write for sympathy and nor do I want sympathy. I’m not the only person in the world with problems and this wonderful community proves that. We work and we support each other and for me that is the real beauty behind blogging.

So, you’re stuck with me for a while longer. I’ve decided to take you on my journey of discovery. It’s all about finding out who I am.

Some days there will be tears and some days there will be laughter, but that’s all part of life isn’t it, we have to take the good with the bad.

Thank you so much for being here for the last however many years, months or days you have followed, I have no doubt I have received more from this community than I have given and I feel truly blessed to be a part of it.

To celebrate and as a present to myself, I finally mapped my domain name, I doubt you will have noticed, but it’s just something small that makes things a little more permanent for me.

Also, excluding social media followers, one of my goals was always to reach 1000 followers on WordPress itself. At the time of writing this post there are 998. I’ve decided that’s good enough because in life I am never really quite where I want to be, but it doesn’t stop me trying anyway.

Just over four years ago I had nothing, just some words on a page and no followers. Now I am a part of something I love, and I hope that continues for a long time.

P.s I’m not cross any more :)

I am Four!

It was pretty amazing for me when I made it to the end of one year of blogging, even more amazing that I managed to survive another couple of years despite what was going on in my life. Now, I am four, who would have thought, certainly not me!

While I might not have written my very first post until the 31st March 2013, I had registered the name, which at that time was ‘The Geeky G4mer’. Even in that very first post, I made excuses which paved the way for me more than likely giving up on this new fad, but I didn’t, I am still here.

The last four years have been pretty rough, some of it will be documented on this blog and some of it on others, where I shared my experiences of being a carer for someone with Dementia. Writing from the heart wasn’t always pretty, hence my decision to keep those posts away from here. It didn’t really matter where I wrote, as long as I did, because on many days that was my saving grace, the thing that kept me going.

Had life not intervened the way it did I may have been a blogging superstar by now, these days there are people in the same position as me who have been blogging for only six months, or perhaps even less. I’m quite content to not be a superstar, it’s hard enough being me sometimes. That fame malarky is definitely not the road for an introvert to travel.

I am not, nor will I ever be a magnificent writer, I simply want to entertain and write about life, which can be hard sometimes, because it’s far from perfect despite what some people would have us believe. The difference is the way that people deal with the cards that they have been dealt and every day here, I see examples of people who despite what they hide still manage to put a smile on their faces and carry on regardless with the intention of putting a smile on ours.

Stepping into both blogging and the WordPress community can be daunting at first, but for those of you who are new, my advice would be never give up. Hold on to what you believe in and most importantly never lose sight of why you started your blog. Write for yourself and no one else, the rest will come with time. Open yourself up to this amazing community, there is nowhere else that you will find such a diverse bunch of people who probably shouldn’t work but do. There is always someone to help, comfort, teach and guide, you just have to interact and ask, never be afraid, we have all been where you are now.

In the last four years I have written 500 posts, quite fitting that this should be number 501. I have 1,220 followers, my page has seen 21, 069 visitors with 43, 941 views. There have been 9, 312 comments, with some still pending. That’s amazing, and I am extremely grateful for every follow, like and person who has stopped by whether they commented or not. But for me, what is more important are the people I have met, the friends I have made and the posts I have read that have made me smile, laugh, cry and remember that I am not alone in this world. More importantly it has reminded me I am loved and despite the fact that I am not a magnificent writer, I have things to say that people want to read.

I am four, but only because you all helped me. Thank you, words can never express how grateful I am to have had you all at my side.

Here’s to another 365 days of blogging! Happy blog anniversary to us.

Happy New Year

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Most years I try to write something as one year passes into another and this year should be no different. It’s not that I am bitter or anything, but I certainly won’t be sad to see the back end of 2016.

This won’t be a long post as sadly tonight finds me suffering from some kind of bug or other, my second dose within the last month, which leaves me unable to stay upright for long periods of time. Certainly not the fresh start I hoped for 2017, but I’d be grateful to be proved wrong.

2016 was certainly a year of many ups and downs, not only in the world in general but also in my personal life. It wasn’t all bad, I finally made steps towards getting counselling which can only be a good thing, for my mental well being anyway. It was however the year we lost the Mothership after her battle with dementia. There is no doubt things are different, in fact sometimes it still does not feel real, but we just have to adjust and get on with things as best we can in the hope that each day gets easier. She certainly wouldn’t want me moping, so I need to give myself a good kick up the arse when I do. I hope the saying about time being a great healer is true.

In terms of blogging I have pretty much been absent this year, the first half being dominated by looking after Mum and then since November grieving for her, I wasn’t in the right head space to put very many words to paper. I’m not even going to promise that I will improve next year, I’m just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

So let me wish you all a Happy New Year and here’s to 2017, let’s hope it’s better :)

What’s next?

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This is my little space, this place right here. It’s been a long time since I actually looked at it on anything other than a mobile phone.

I’m sitting here tonight and Steve’s Radio show is playing in the background, the tweets are flying and my ears are being assaulted by Christmas music. It almost feels normal, even though I know deep down it’s not. The events of the last few months have taken their toll on me and I think I am only starting to realise it now.

I miss my friends here and the community and looking at my page and listening to Steve has reminded me of that, but I don’t think I am the same person that I was before and I am not sure what I am going to write here now. My counselling is teaching me that I no longer need to please others, I simply need to please myself. As a result of that do I let go and write what I want to, all those random and strange little thoughts that float around in my brain that no one else would understand….that I don’t even understand myself.

I don’t feel that giving up is an option, I like being here and if I can make just one person smile, laugh or feel something then I am content. I’ve said so many times before that nowhere else on the internet will you find such a diverse group of people who band together and stand together, helping people, sometimes without even realising it.

Someone asked me when I wrote the post about my Mum passing why I closed off the comments. I gave it some thought and explained that firstly, emotionally I was not going to be able to answer all the comments, I needed to write it and move on, and secondly, because I didn’t need people to put in writing what I knew they would be feeling.This community always has my back, have always had my back. I’ve been fixed when I was broken and been lifted when I fell. They have made me smile when I shed tears and shed tears when I was smiling. I just knew, and I didn’t know how to cope with what I knew was coming.

Things have changed. I miss my Mum and I am adjusting to life without her. It’s harder than I thought but I will get there. I am ready for life to go back to normal and for people to stop sympathising. I need space to breathe and gather my own thoughts. I need to get myself fully immersed back into work so I can go back to doing all the other little bits and pieces that need done.

New year, New me. How many times have I said that before. This time last year I was not in counselling so here’s hoping!

I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but I hope you stick around to find out. No matter what you can bet it’ll be a roller coaster, so buckle up bitches!

Thank you for the award but………

……..there’s always a but isn’t there.

I’ve been asked a lot this week why I do not accept awards, I have also this week, been the recipient of a couple from fellow bloggers, so what better time to address the situation.

Break Out

I was incarcerated once, there I said it. Phew, I’m glad that’s off my chest. Now before you panic, not in a real prison, but I was put in a detention centre by Akismet – The Spam Killers, it was a cold, dark and lonely place called ‘The Spam Folder’.

Back in the day before any of you knew me, in fact before anyone really knew me I used to get awards and would dutifully do all that was asked of me before passing them on, usually via a link on my intended recipients blog. Before long I started to run out of answers for the questions that were posed, and I also noticed that my comments were no longer showing on other peoples blogs when I stopped by. I figured at first that like me,  people had comment moderation turned on, but time passed and the comment was still no where to be seen. After a lot of head scratching I wondered if I had perhaps annoyed the entire blogging community and was being collectively shunned for my crime, hard for you to imagine I know, but yes I CAN be that irritating. I headed to the blogs of my two best friends knowing they would never desert me, ok hoping they never would, but even they had too. D I S A S T E R!

Eventually, with the help of Mr Google I was able to figure out that I had fallen foul of the filters on Akismet and due to the link posting for the awards, I had been banned for my crimes and branded as Spam. After about a month of pleading and begging people to release me I was finally freed and able to feel the sun on my face, or on my pages…..ahh whatever….I was free, and there I wish to remain.

I have not done awards since, I cherish being able to leave comments and interact with everyone. That however does not mean I am ungrateful, far from it, there is nothing better than knowing that someone liked you enough to put you on their list, it is praise indeed. In the act of doing so, they then introduce you to some of their friends and your little community grows, as far as networking goes, it is a useful tool, just be careful with the links.

Another thing about awards is the fact that you usually have to nominate a certain amount of people to pass the torch too. This used to cause me terrible problems, I hated leaving anyone out as each person who follows and interacts here is unique with different endearing qualities. When you love everyone equally it’s hard to make choices.

I know I’m not here as often as I would like, I’m trying to make changes to rectify this, but hang around, read the comments and interact, not just with me but with everyone who comments here, that’s what this blog is all about, community and hopefully it’s funny too. I have the best bunch of people that can be found on WordPress and there is always room for more, make yourself at home.

To the people who nominated me this week, thank you very much, please know that it is appreciated. Janey from Cupid or Cats is pretty famous in blogging circles so I am humbled indeed and the lovely Ritu from But I Smile Anyway labelled my blog as funny, you have no idea how ridiculously pleased that made me, because after all, that’s the name of the game.

All in all a good end to a pretty up and down week. Whilst looking particularly stressed after a meeting this week, my very nice boss asked if he could make me a cup of tea to which I replied, “I’m away for a smoke, I need nicotine, we’re well past the tea stage!

And on that happy note, till next time eejits!