I am Six

The Indecisive Eejit16 Comments

I am 6. Well technically I was 6 in maybe March, but it has taken me this long to get around to acknowledging it. Thank you WordPress for the reminder.

This year there was even less fan fare than when I was five. I’ve been here so little of late that it seemed pointless to post about it, but actually there is a point, regardless of how much or how little I post, I am still here six years later. Initially I didn’t believe that I would even last six days, so that in itself is some kind of achievement right!?

There are people who have been here for the same length of time I have, and they have celebrated many successes and in one case a million followers. Those people deserve it because blogging is hard work and they have put in the effort while at the same time always being there to offer assistance and guidance to others. I am in awe of both their talent and time.

Success for me is on a much smaller more personal level. I love this place, whether I am silently reading posts or giggling at a comment someone has put on one of mine. I might have been silent but I have been here.

I love the people I have met, seriously my followers are awesome, they are always there with words of wisdom and encouragement. They pick me up when I am down and raise me higher when I am not. They have been a source of entertainment and enlightenment and that has by far been the highlight of my time blogging.

The arrival of each birthday brings with it a series of questions that I ask myself. They mainly centre around whether I need this space any more and whether I have a place here. I believe there is a place here for everyone. While my life is not very exciting and I have little to share that will amaze and astound, I still have things to say. Whilst I mainly direct my writing at myself these days, if even one other person can empathise or understand then isn’t it worth it, even if it helps me realise that I am not alone.

The last six years have been a journey. Sometimes it has been an uphill struggle, but I’m still battling on, I have never given up, not here and not in life. That is something I need to give myself credit for.

While I don’t have a lot to say and I don’t visit as much as I should, each time I open a blank post I still feel that tingle of excitement, that familiar buzz of possibility. I write in my head constantly, weaving snippets of words and thoughts, but more often than not that is where they remain. I need to be better at letting them flow to my fingertips.

In my time here I have written 543 posts, been viewed over 50,000 times, had 23,000 visitors, 10, 501 comments and amassed 1,442 followers.

I am six, but I need you to know that I could never have made it this far without all of you. I need you to know that you are loved, more than you know.

Thank you!

Feeling Strange

The Indecisive Eejit15 Comments

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

Reflection

The Indecisive Eejit8 Comments

Maybe it’s the time of year, or maybe it’s just me.

For some reason in December I find myself taking stock of what has been the whirlwind that was 2018. I’ve not been here much, which means I have not documented important things I wish I had. In time I will come to regret that, especially now that some of the finer details are fading from my memory.

There was a lot this year. An awful lot. Periods of happiness, sadness, dreams that disappeared and self reflection. Essentially I am the same, but at the same time I am not. I’ve changed, I am changing. The hardest thing is getting others to accept me for the flawed person that I am, or perhaps it is me learning to accept the flawed person that I am. There is nothing wrong with being flawed, it is what makes me unique. There is nothing wrong with being me, I just didn’t realise it until now, that I did not need anyone else’s approval.

I’ve missed writing. I’ve forgotten how much I need it. Still though I find myself restricted, I need to get over that, it is my choice to write and others choice as to whether they read.

I am a work in progress. My counsellor scolds me when I tell her that I do not think I can be fixed. I know everyone has issues with themselves, but no matter how hard I try I cannot even like, nevermind love myself. I still have sessions left and I hope against all hope that my hard hitting counsellor has the key to unlock the secret.

I changed physically this year too, a change that is now becoming noticable to others. Sometimes I can see it, but oftentimes not, so I still hide in clothes a size too big for my now slightly smaller frame. This is a change I would also like to build upon if I can.

Christmas is coming, the most wonderful time of the year, but my heart is lonely because I miss where I was 8 months ago, I miss what I had 8 months ago.

Where will I be in 8 months time…….we shall just have to wait and see.

Just a quickie

The Indecisive Eejit4 Comments

I’m fairly sure I have said that here before on WordPress, but being a good girl I have not said it anywhere else, honest!

I thought I would stop by for 10 minutes or so, I am procrastinating you see, because there is housework to be done and beds to change and I just cannot be feckin assed! So what better way to not do something I should be doing than to do something I should have done ages ago.

There has been a lot of stir in the world of the eejit, I’ve had to socialise, I know right, that look of horror on your face is pretty much the same as mine. November has proved to be a very busy month, the Fathership celebrated his 80th birthday, god bless his cotton socks and now my Sistership is gearing up to celebrate her 50th. We were away last weekend for an overnight stay and on the Sunday we had a walk around the very beautiful Castlewellan Country Park. It was a gorgeous day, blue skies and everything albeit a little cold.

My Sister is celebrating a little differently, with a Van Morrison themed party, yes, she loves him so much that two of her cats were named after his songs. It should be good fun and there will be pizza!

So happy big birthdays to both of my family members.

I did however read a little sad news today. I happened to be looking for Buffalo Tom Peabody’s blog and I came across related comments to say that we had lost yet another blogging friend. The original post is unfortunately gone as his blogs have been deleted.

I’m incredibly sad to hear this, Ken was a true gentleman and only the other day I had been reading e-mails we had exchanged when I made him banners for his site.

Rest in peace Bufflao Tom Peabody, both you and your nincompoopery will be missed :(

 

 

 

Almost the weekend

The Indecisive Eejit28 Comments

I’m sitting here staring out of the train window into the greyness outside. It’s getting dark so early these days, a sure sign that winter is on the way.

Where has this year gone, it seems to have passed in the blink of an eye. Halloween approaches and already I have almost jumped out my skin with the cracks and bangs of nearby fireworks.

Shops have started to fill their shelves with all that glitters for Christmas. If you’re interested you’ll find that aisle right after the one with the cackling witches and bloody sculls that await to scare the bejeezus out of some poor wee trick or treater.

Right after Christmas we’ll be reminded of Easter with the timely arrival of Cadburys Creme Eggs…..in fecking January. Is it any wonder we have no idea where the 365 days in a year go.

Me, I’m just looking forward to Friday.

And there she was……

The Indecisive Eejit36 Comments

So it’s been a minute, a week or maybe even months. There is a fair chance you might not even remember who I am, but I have no doubt that my home grown brand of quirky will remind you in a short space of time.

Contrary to what some people might have thought, I did not drop off the face of the planet and apologies to those who are actually disappointed to see me again. I’m like that, a bad penny, I keep turning up.

Many things have happened in the time I have been gone. Very many things. In fact too many to mention. There has been crazy me, crazy work and a crazy life, which has led to me being crazy busy with very little time to write.

When I was not here I turned 5. This year there were no candles and fanfares, I didn’t even write a post. I acknowledged the notification from WordPress and silently scolded myself because it had been so long since I had actually been here.

I’m not sure you will believe me if I tell you I missed you, but I did. I missed your laughs, your jokes and your comments. I missed reading about other people and how things were going, that daily distraction from what was or was not going on in my own life.

In the last 6 months I’ve faced friendship, love, rejection, happiness, sadness, stress and many more things, but remarkably I am still going, putting one foot in front of the other. I’m still a basket case for sure, but I’ve just asked for another round of counselling to hopefully hit the self confidence monster smack in the face one more time. It’s not something I necessarily want to do, but it is something I certainly have to do.

I’ve lost two stone in weight, that was pretty good going, but it has not bolstered my self confidence at all, there is still some way to go I think and my love affair with Malteasers is not going to end any time soon despite the fact they seem to make me sick.

There have been good days and bad, of late perhaps more bad and while I wanted to write I just couldn’t bring myself to jot things down despite running over them time and again in my head. The old internal battle about laying my soul bare here still continues, no change there then.

I’m finding there is no peace. This year has almost slipped by, a whirlwind of work that is not going to slow down for a while yet as I begin a new round of training. Behind me the other work stacks up too and I’m starting to feel the pressure, but I just need to knuckle down. Thing is though I was sick and although I’m back at work I’m still not mended, so I take things day by day and wait for my Dr’s appointment. It’s probably the Malteasers ffs.

I’m not going to say I am back for good, because who knows. But today I am here. I am here to say hello and tell you that I missed you and also that I will check in when I can.

I am here to tell you that I need this space despite the fact that at the minute I feel I have nothing new to tell you.

I need it despite the fact that I feel that I write the same things over and over.

I need it because I need to write to stop thinking about the same things over and over.

I need it, that’s it, I just do and I need you to understand that despite the fact I have not been here that I love you all.

A St Paddy’s Saturday Catch Up

The Indecisive Eejit27 Comments

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Well good morning to you all and Happy St Patrick’s Day. Sadly I am celebrating by grabbing a quick 10 minutes to update you and then with a mountain of housework, but I’m not too worried because the rest of Ireland and even the world have it covered.

It seems like such a long time since I sat down to write anything, in fact it even feels weird sitting in front of my computer as it has not been used that much of late either.

I’ve missed here and reading about all the stories of your days and lives, and I try to catch up where I can, but things have been so busy of late there has just been no time to update you.

My little head has been busy, there is a lot going on in there. Work has been playing on my mind for various different reasons and sometimes I think that perhaps I may need to re-visit my counsellor for a couple of sessions just to try and get things straight in my own head. I know it is my own fault for dealing with things the way I do, continuing to see the bad despite assurances from others. As someone said to me the other day, my cup is always half empty, and this is true. No matter what, I will always consider everything to be my fault. This is something I need to work on if I am ever going to move forward.

Life in general has been good though, I’ve been in contact with a friend and I am enjoying the interaction. I’m almost scared to say it, cup half empty and all that, but there have been days where I would say I have definitely been happy! Not something I have felt for a very long time. There is also a possible day trip with the girls in my future, a chance to kick back and relax.

I’ve finally given myself a kick up the backside and started to lose the additional weight I gained when I stopped smoking over a year ago now. To date I have lost 1 stone 2 lb’s. I’m not sure it’s all that noticeable yet, but I feel it in small ways and so does alien leg. I’ve a long way to go and the hardest relationship break up ever is going to be between myself and my dearly beloved Malteasers, but it is going to have to happen.

I hope in the future if things improve that my self confidence will too, but just right now it is proving to be one battle I constantly lose. The sad realisation from my counselling remains true, if I cannot learn to accept /love myself, how will I ever let any one else. I constantly question past events and wonder if they will repeat themselves. Events where I was never quite good enough.

It is not enough to hope to be happy, it has to actually happen. Send good will my way : )

Happy Saturday one and all, I hope you have been well and you have always been in my thoughts : )

A note on ‘A Note Let Go’

The Indecisive Eejit7 Comments

A Note Let Go

Anyone who knows me well knows that I like my music. I don’t have a particular taste but I do tend to lean more towards the chilled out and laid back genres.

The mothership was also a great lover of music and two of her favourite artists were Christie Hennessy and Duke Special. Christie Hennessy sadly passed away on the 11th December 2007 and I am not sure that my mother ever fully recovered.

I can’t remember her first introduction to Duke Special, but my sister thinks it may have either been through the postman and their daily chats about music, or perhaps through Gerry Anderson and his radio show. Regardless of their introduction, the Duke was music to my mothers ears and she would tell anyone who would listen how great he was.

Luckily for the Mothership my Sister liked him too and she would take my Mum to some of the venues at which he played. The dear old Fathership got dragged along too sometimes, and considering it was not his thing at all, he too seemed to enjoy the shows.

Although I listened to the music on many occasions as my Mum danced around the living room, I never branched out to listen on my own or ventured to any of the shows.

Recently Duke Special teamed up with a band called Ulaid and their collaborative album ‘A Note Let Go’ was the result. My sister on hearing they were going to be playing a show in Belfast asked if I would like to go and much to her shock I said yes. It was time to see what all the fuss was about.

‘The Duncairn’ situated on the Antrim Road in Belfast is an old 19th century church that has been transformed into a shared space culture and arts centre. It is an intimate little venue with wonderful acoustics that enhance the music being played within and to me it felt like the perfect setting for this show.

I’d only had a brief listen to ‘A Note Let Go’ prior to attending, and I was worried that my lack of knowledge would somehow affect my enjoyment, but I needn’t have worried.

Duke Special has a way of drawing you in with his words and arrangements. During the show he led into songs with a story about where the inspiration for each came from, seemingly more often than not from text found in the Central Library in Belfast. Those same lyrics coupled with the traditional Irish music of Ulaid make for interesting listening. and believe me, there was plenty of top tapping and hand clapping during ‘Far Set’ and ‘Little Italy’ and also some tugging of the heartstrings when they played ‘Shipyards of Belfast’ and ‘My Lagan Love’, not to mention the poor dearly departed Dog Fido.

This show was a genuine surprise, I enjoyed it more than I thought I would and it has left me wanting to experience more of what both Duke Special and Ulaid have to offer, whether that be separately or together.

Trust me ‘A Note Let Go’ is well worth a listen, you won’t be disappointed. My personal favourites are Far Set and My Lagan Love, which gives me goosebumps every time I listen.

Tis Friday

The Indecisive Eejit27 Comments

It’s Friday.

Thank goodness says I, for this has been the longest week in creation. It almost felt at one stage that the five working days were driving towards the weekend with the handbrake on. Perhaps that’s where the term daily grind comes from. For fear of hitting the wrong pedal, I didn’t try to intervene and had no other option than to just go with the flow.

But finally Friday dawned, a clear crisp days with just a touch of frost, that I was not expecting, but was greeted with as I almost skidded around the corner.

It’s been a very unusual week, with plenty of ups and downs, leading into what is going to be a short weekend, because, well work! But if I can get a little ahead of myself before starting another week on Monday it’s going to make me a bit happier.

I feel like I haven’t had the time to sit down and blog of late. Neither have I been able to do much reading or interaction. What was usually my morning travel pastime has taken a bit of a hit lately due to having friends to sit and catch up with on the train.

In other news, the Motherships Snowdrops are appearing in the garden as if by magic. What a couple of weeks previously had been a bare patch of grass, is now almost covered with these beautiful little flowers in varying shades of growth. Next it will be the daffodils, closely followed by the bluebells and primroses. It’ll soon be the season that puts a Spring in our step.

For now though, one day at a time. Let’s just enjoy the weekend, because Monday will be here before we know it.

Have a good one Eejits :)

The year of things to come….

The Indecisive Eejit21 Comments

Dark Place

I’ve lost count of how many times that I’ve said a year is going to be different as the stroke of midnight blended the old into the new.

2017 started with great promise, it was going to be the year I got things done. I had plans to change myself, both mentally and physically. I was going to become a better person, buoyed by the counselling sessions I had been through. But as we all know, great promises can be broken, often times unintentionally.

I would say that neither 2016 or 17 were great years in my book. I’ve been battling a bout of depression, my first bad one since around 2003. Then I managed to pull myself together without the need for anti-depressants and this time I am trying to do the same, albeit there is a much bigger hill to climb and I am not sure I can do it without some assistance.

As with everything though, there were good times as well as bad. While not cured, I have changed. My counselling has been beneficial, in fact it quite possibly saved my life. This time, despite everything, there have been no thoughts of needing to hide a stash of tablets in case things got so bad that I did not want to carry on. These days I use the coping mechanisms I have been taught and while still there and sometimes severe, bouts of anxiety do not last as long as they previously would have.

In 2017 laugher was more of a feature along with meeting new friends and continuing to value those I already have. I’m not any better at social interaction, that still needs a lot of work, but not everything can happen all at once. The point is, I am trying.

Where work was concerned I had a lot of light bulb moments. I said goodbye to one colleague and welcomed a new one, through whom I am learning to have a better understanding of myself, mainly because we are so similar. We work well as a team and we have good foundations on which we can continue to build on in 2018.

Writing has been pretty sporadic, even by my own standards. I’ve been wondering if perhaps that is why I am currently feeling the way I do. Writing is therapeutic and also quite possibly something else I need as a coping mechanism. I’m still trying to figure out where the new me fits within the blogging world as I alternate between good days and bad, sad and happy.

I’m not going to make any grand promises for 2018. What would be the point. Instead I am going to go with the flow.

If you’re reading this, thank you for doing so and also for sticking with me for another year. Your support has meant more than you could know.

Happy New Year Eejits, let’s make it a good one : )