When your colleagues know you well!


Picture the scene, I’m in my office merrily typing away, busy as a little bee when out of the corner of my eye I see an e-mail arrive. I know by the title what it means, one of my colleagues wants me to proof read his work. I think to myself I’m just too busy today and I’ll have to tell him.

Next thing the corridor door opens and he peeks his head around the corner.

Me: I’m too busy, I’m not looking at your report (as I rhyme off a list of all the things I have to get done).

Him: Will you just open it up and have a look at the spacing.

Me: No, I’m too busy (as I again rhyme of previously recited list)

Him: Please, just check the spacing for me.

Me: NO! I am not doing it I am too busy!

Him: Please, just check the spacing.

Me: FFS! (as I open the e-mail)

*E-mail opens*

Me: Oh ffs, would you look at the state of this……..

*OCD kicks in*

Me: So if you do this and this, and a little bit of this too……..

Looking up I see my colleague grinning and realise I have just done what I swore I was not going to.

Me: Bollox! You played me like a fiddle!

They know me so well.


A shindig or a Soirée?

An Office Full of Eejits

You may remember in my last post I had remarked about how quiet it had been in the office of late, due to interference from…well, work. Apart from the afternoon of the 2 hour quiz which was hijacked by the Googling ‘Charades’ bandit, we have been relatively well behaved. Until today that is!

Each year the office hold a little ‘Christmas Soirée’ for a select few. Being relatively new to the office, and having missed last years due to injury, this was to be my first as an official office add on. It was also to be the first year I would partake in the Secret Santa.

The Diamond Dancer did what she does best and organised an amazing spread of nibbles and drinks (soft of course). Aside from it being Christmas, it was also Pri-Lei’s birth anniversary, and her arrival was greeted by a resounding chorus of Happy Birthday. In hindsight we were foolish and should have instead performed a mash-up. “We Wish You A Merry Birthday” could have been the coveted Christmas Number 1!

I gave Pri-Lei the worlds smallest ‘Star Wars’ Journal. She said she liked it, although when she did her eye gave a funny twitch, which made me a little suspicious as to her integrity! I could tell you her age, but I do believe, in all honesty, that she would hunt me down and kill me! Happy Birthday Pri – Lei, work is so much funnier when you are around!

After the stampede for the buffet had calmed a little and teas and coffee’s had been made, the process of dolling out the Secret Santa presents began. The task of delivery fell to me, because I was a little excited by the whole affair (I don’t get out much). It has to be said that as far as our office goes, we were pretty shit at the whole secret bit. Through careful elimination and cock-ups we had all pretty much figured out our gift givers.

My gift giver was the Tinsel Twit, who made a guest appearance at the soirée despite still being unwell. How did I know it was her I hear you ask. Mainly because when all the presents had been given out she said oh I forgot to put mine over there, doh! Oh and the fact there was a huge packet of Swizzels Matlow Drumsticks hanging out of it too was another sure sign.

There was much laughter as one by one gifts were opened. I got lots of class Penguin things and also stationary, for which I have a bit of a fetish! As we went round in the circle there was also drink, DVD’s, shopping bags, Bonsai tree’s, socks, nipple vijazzles (don’t even ask) and frilly Merry Christmas knickers.

Last but not least came The Adorable Yeti, the only male in the office to partake of the Secret Santa. I thought I was excited but the bearded one took it to a whole other level. Each time he placed his hand into the gift bag and pulled out an item from inside he let out a big “Yeyyyyyyyy” which was then followed by lots of laughter from us. When he pulled out two tins of air freshener there was an even bigger roar of laughter. Last to come out of the bag though, was some fart putty, his Secret Santa knew him well, considering The Adorable Yeti is renowned for his amazing trouser trumps!

Fart Putty
The infamous ‘Fart Putty’

Needless to say  the rest of the afternoon in the office was a musical extravaganza, as each toot from the fart putty was followed by the bass of The Adorable Yeti’s laugh.

They might be eejits, but they are great craic!

Where have the Office Eejits gone?

An Office Full of Eejits

So this morning while perusing my little blogsphere over a cup of coffee and not one, but two slices of toast, I realised it has been a while since there has been a post about the office eejits!

The main reason for this being that in the last few weeks life in the office has been rather low key to say the least. Between one thing and another there have been very few times were we have all been there together. In the times that we have, we’ve all been busy trying to catch up with work from the times we weren’t.

The infamous Tinsel Twit has been off unwell, and the work space is definitely much quieter without her presence. I’d like to think that she will make it to the Christmas dinner considering she’s been blethering on about it since July! Aside from that  it would be like having a Christmas tree with no baubles on!

In the run up to the festive season, we’ll have to ensure that we make time for fun and frolics in between all that working! I do after all need new material!

At the Christmas do I’ll just have to try and ensure that no one gets their baubles out! Watch this space!



Office Crimes and Misdemeanors!

An Office Full of Eejits
The Tinsel Twit will tell everyone within earshot, that she is bullied, and that the person who bullies her is yours truly.

I will tell everyone in earshot that I am bullied, and that the person who bullies me is the Tinsel Twit.

The Diamond Dancer says we are both dick heads and need to wise up!

The whole thing is hilarious to be  honest.  It’s a good job that all the fighting is only in jest.

The Tinsel Twit will sit like a little woodpecker for a period of 15 minutes, constantly rapping on my brain, peck, peck, peck and then when I can take no more and tell her to shut her cheeper, she starts to fake cry saying she’s being bullied. The woman is worthy of an oscar sometimes for her performances. She hides behind the computer screen, sniggering, fake crying and crossing her legs because she is on the very of edge of literally peeing her pants!! Everyone in the office then reprimands me and tells me it’s terrible how I bully poor wee Tinsel Twit, gawd love her, and I should be ashamed of myself. Then they all laugh, usually at me!

Just last week, when we (Tinsel Twit and I) came back from making coffee, we realised we had forgotten to make a cup for Speedy, so she says “She forgot about you, I’ll go and make you a cup now.” In she walks to the kitchen, hands his cup to me and says make Speedy tea, I’m away to the loo!” She’s crafty, she bullies me when no one is around.

When you were young did you ever have your lunch stolen by one of the older kids, well the Tinsel Twit is much better at it.  She has perfected her craft. She’ll sit and look at your food longingly telling you how hungry she is, her stomach in synch with the scam, growling in all the appropriate places. On a few occasions she has eaten half of mine and when I have remarked that I could have eaten another, her reply was “So could I, make sure you bring more tomorrow.” How could you not laugh at that!!

Seriously though, it’s all in jest and the laughter certainly lifts the mood and makes the day go quicker!

Actual bullying in the workplace should never be tolerated, I’ve been a victim of it and it’s not very nice!

The Office Eejits!

An Office Full of EejitsWhen you consider how much of our lives we spend in work it’s very easy to become bored with the mundane every day routine.

I have always been blessed with having fantastic work colleagues, who not only provide entertainment, but also counselling, advice, smiles and a vast array of other skills that can be called upon if required.

My main counterpart until recently was “Udders”. I have named her this, as she has a couple of features that stand out, especially with the male of the species. Aside from this though, she also has moments of being udderly ridiculous, which provides no end of entertainment for myself and my colleagues. She also has the knack of being able to cheer me up when all udders fail!

Due to office restructuring, she had to relocate to another department, leaving behind a space that few could fill. Despite the move however, she remains a huge presence in my life and has made it her life’s ambition to find new ways to torture me, thank goodness!

Monkey was another one, she abandoned us for pastures new many years ago, but has still remained in contact.  She’s the baby of the bunch, the hip cool and trendy one.

Udders and Monkey are my dinner crew and there is never a dull moment. We’re like the three degrees…..of insanity!

The office I am currently in is large and spacious, with plenty of through traffic on a daily basis. My colleagues are as mad as a box of frogs, which certainly helps the days pass, however it’s getting to the point where we may have to consider putting an “Enter at your own risk” sign on the door. Anyone who is brave enough to enter is fair game, it is certainly not for the faint hearted.

The Tinsel Twit, who I mentioned before, is a little like a controllable light bulb, sometimes she can be a little dim, but when she’s on full power she will just blind you with brilliance. The best part is, that she has no idea how funny she actually is, it just rolls off her tongue as we roll about the floor laughing.

Today our big boss called in for a visit. When it was time to leave, he headed towards the door and was standing at the side of the Diamond Dancers desk, dressed from head to toe in motorcycle leathers. So the Tinsel Twit looks at him and says “You on your bike the day then?”, we all burst out laughing and the boss, after looking himself up and down says in the most deadpan voice ever, “No!” So she says “I never saw your helmet,” at which point we again erupted. Trying to make amends she quickly followed it with, “I thought it was just your quirky dress sense!”

Way to go Tinsel Twit, you’ll be getting no £10 deposit for the Christmas dinner from him!

There are so many more stories to tell and you will meet the whole crew in due course. I only hope they give you as much entertainment as they do me.

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