You’ll never guess what happened last night. Go on ask me, I know you want to. You’ll never guess though. I only went on a date ffs, as in a real live date, he was breathing and everything, total bonus.
I met him through a girl in work, ok when I say met, what I mean is we trawled through pictures in her mobile phone of every male she knows and I selected him. Wine had been consumed so it was more like a drunken stabbing and a slurred ‘he’ll do fine’.
On the day in question my colleague assured me he was as happy about our forthcoming date as I was, so riding on the coat tails of her optimism off I set to the Cinema in Belfast. Asking my brother Jamsey to give me a lift in his vintage Fiesta seemed like a good idea at the time, however, rather than roll up in style we pretty much rocked up in a chorus of back fires, totally enveloping my date in a cloud of black smoke. Thankfully he appeared none the worse for wear and in we headed.
In the cinema Nathaniel (I know!! it’s so posh with a capital P) asked if I would like to go V.I.P, and I replied saying I wasn’t sure about that, but I certainly needed to G.A.P. On sight of his quizzical look I thought I had better explain. ‘Go and Pee’ I said with my brightest smile and off I headed to the little girls room. Truth be told I wanted to Google to see what giving a fella a VIP in the cinema meant, but lack of signal meant I was unable to connect to Urban Dictionary…..disaster!
Deciding to brazen it out and bluff my way I headed back out to the main foyer, passing a poster on the way that stated;
Three intimate VIP screens are furnished with sumptuous leather seating.
Each screen seats just 20 people for an atmosphere of exclusivity.
You also receive complimentary hot drinks.
Ahh, I though, that explains it, and we’ll certainly be having a bit of that!
Let me just say the ‘sumptuous leather seating’ is just that. It’s a recliner that’s almost as big as my wee single bed in the house. If I’d had my jammies and a quilt cover I’d almost have been tempted to stay the night, especially as I could take my complimentary hot drink for breakfast.
My only complaint would have to be about the amount of popcorn strewn around on both the seat and the floor, but I figured due to the quick turn around of showings they had just not had a chance to clean up. It was Mission Impossible: Popcorn, trying to get onto the seat without endangering myself, but eventually it was sorted, and the seat was clean enough to sit in.
I had just got myself comfortable and moved my own bucket of popcorn from the floor to my lap when Nathaniel reminded me I could recline if I so wished. I replied saying I would in a minute while nodding my head. I can only assume that because the movie trailers had started he was unable to hear me and took my nodding as an affirmative to assist, because the next thing I know, my legs are being pelted into the air and it’s snowing popcorn. Everything happened in slow motion and it hit me with sudden clarity as to why there had been so much mess on both the floor and the seat. I was ever so glad I had opted not to take the complimentary hot drink.
When my heart stopped racing and Nathaniel had helped return my legs to a more natural position I was finally able to relax and enjoy the show. It was ok, nothing spectacular and certainly not an Oscar nomination.
Throughout the course of the movie I became painfully aware that some little nuggets of sweet and salty had become lodged where no nuggets should ever be. Fidgeting and trying to dislodge them only made the situation worse, so I just had to man up and wait till the end of the show. Believe me when I say standing up and shaking soggy popcorn down the leg of your trousers is not a good look when you wish to impress on a first date.
At the time I thought Nathaniel was being cute and quoting a line from a movie when he said “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” Needless to say I’m still waiting.
So the moral of this story is ladies, if anyone asks you if you would like to go VIP, opt for the cheaper option instead, because there is now no doubt in my mind that VIP stands for ‘Very Invasive Popcorn’.