Settle Down

Unicorn

If you read the tips pages on WordPress, they advise that you should never apologise for an absence, so I won’t, I shall simply start with hello again. That said, those of you who have followed me for a while are well used to my absences.

I didn’t write last week, I didn’t even read much. As far as weeks go, it was the worst one in a long time. There was so much going on and things were continually piling in on top of each other. The Mothership was stressed and seeing things under the table, and I was stressed wondering how I was going to extract a urine sample from her, whilst worrying about the fact she was seeing things under the table. I end up walking around with constant nausea because worry turns my stomach into a washing machine.

Imagine a day where you have a shadow and that shadow is constantly talking at you and getting irritated when you don’t understand. Imagine finishing all the housework and finally sitting down only for the door to open and the shadow to appear asking yet another question which means you have to get up cos you need to be shown what it relates to. To finally get to sleep at 4am to be woken the next morning to start the routine of dressing the shadow. I may turn to alcohol!

Work was just as bad, I’m finding it really stressful. I get up in the morning and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am going in to. I leave work and feel nauseous because I have no idea what I am coming home to. I’m not sleeping which of course makes everything seem ten times worse than it actually is.

I broke down in work the other day and told my boss I was not cut out for the job and that I couldn’t do it. I hate to admit failure, but, that’s genuinely how I feel, my job is making me feel stupid, which in turn is giving my already low confidence a good boot in the balls. He was very nice about it, but he more than likely thinks I am a fruit loop. Ah well if the cap fits.

Phew, I feel better after writing all that and now I’ve left myself with nowhere to go. I really don’t want hugs or kind words or commiserations, I just needed to get that off my chest. With a few nights good sleep (hopefully) I’ll be dead on. Tell me a joke instead or something random that will make me smile!

Missed you lot.

(I deliberated about posting this, because I really do not want sympathy, if it’s this hard for me, imagine what it must me like for the Mothership, but I promised myself a while ago I would write the good and the bad and that’s what I need to do. Better out than in as the man says!)

Done and dusted!

I have never been as glad to see the end of two working days in all my life. Manic is does not even come close to describing what it has been like. I hardly had enough energy left to take my laptop out of it’s case and set it up for my journey home on the train.

Going off on leave is stressful, the art of calmly clearing up all the odds and sods that need done before leaving is clearly something I have not yet mastered. I’m more of a run around in a flap, but eventually get there kind of person. I pity anyone who reads the last few e-mails I sent, I doubt they were legible. But I made it, and as a reward I do not have to think about work again until Friday….oh happy days!!

I am sure there are things I have not done, that will come to me in the middle of the night and wake me from peaceful slumber. I have already e-mailed myself with things that I need to remember and can think of a few more that I need to send myself when I get home.

This Personal Secretary lark is easy….SAID NO ONE EVER!!

I could see through it if I was able to go home and relax, but there is still shopping to be done and dinner to prepare and goodness knows what form the Mothership will be in considering I have deviated from the normal routine. The great unknown lies ahead.

I really want this weekend to be incident free, no let me rephrase that, I really need this weekend to be incident free. The last two have been mentally draining and I am in dire need of some rest and relaxation, excluding the housework and cooking duties that is, some things never change.

So what lies ahead? I could promise you that I am going to do all my drawings for the Cartoon Craziness Challenge and regale you every day with funny stories that will have you falling off your chairs with laughter. I could also tell you that May Dupp is going to partake of her usual weekend antics leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.

I could promise all of that, but I won’t, because I’m going to shop, eat, clean up, perhaps kill a few things on the Xbox and then go to bed and sleep. After that there might be a little more sleep, and then some sleeping thrown in for good measure.

What happens after that is anyone’s guess!!

Happy Friday my most favourite eejits!

Too many balls, not a lot of juggling!

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There has been very little free time this past week. Every time I sat down to write something all the ideas I had went flooding out instead of flooding in.

I feel a little bit over whelmed, this last month or so has been crazy busy and I always feel like I am in a higher than normal state of stress, visitors, new job, organising, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, if this were a merry go round I would already have jumped by now.

I suppose the main factor behind the whole thing is that everything happened all at once. I don’t feel settled at work and that appears to be having a domino effect on everything else. No matter how home life was, work was always a constant, I knew my job, I could do my job and I happily worked away in the background. The new job is a little more in the fore front and last week I felt like a tennis player in front of one of those machines that serves the ball at a million miles an hour, only it had gone haywire and there were balls being fired at me all roads and directions. It would appear I am a shit juggler!

I’ve said over and over this week that I am not cut out for this job, and I firmly believe that. I am a terrible decision maker, I dither and I lose valuable hours and minutes checking and double checking myself and then still worrying about the finer points. I know I am new in the job, and I know the chances are it will get better, or let me rephrase that, I will get better, but this period in between stupid and smart is knocking lumps out of my already battered self confidence. I hate not knowing what I am doing, it feels like failure is smacking me repeatedly about the face.

I would love just one weekend where I didn’t have to worry about anyone else but myself. Thing is though, despite what I say I would still worry. I’d love for other people in my house to realise that they can lift things off the floor, wipe benches, clean up talcum powder that clearly threw itself all over the bathroom and perhaps even put a wash on sometimes. My Dad is good at helping but sometimes it’s the small things that irk the most.

I’m tired, because sometimes my brain will not shut down enough to enable me to relax, which means I stay up until stupid o’clock to make sure that I actually sleep when my head hits the pillow. Dad’s been having the same issues, I hear him pacing the floors as well. He probably needs a break more than me.

I know things in work will even out and I will become more settled, but this was one of the reasons why if I had been given the choice of taking the job, I would probably have refused. I just don’t need the additional stress right now, there is no where to escape from it. Thank goodness for this blog and you guys.

So my mantra for this week is don’t stress the small things, try to make decisions and have faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel and remember if all else fails I can always hide under the desk until Friday! :)

Look out for the new Cartoon Craziness Challenge theme tomorrow eejits and thank you for all your participation so far!

P.s I’m ok honest, I just needed to vent, look I feel better already, I’m smilin!

Summertime Blues

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Thank goodness for post scheduling, because without it this week it’s unlikely there would have been anything from me. And before you get your knickers in a twist I know I only scheduled one, but that’s 100% better than none.

It’s been a funny, weird and strange month and I am having trouble trying to make sense of it all. I feel like I have been turned upside down, tipped out and then put together the wrong may. I’m still me, I’m just not quite the same as I was before.

I hate change and it’s takes me a little while to adjust to anything that is not the norm. Where home life is concerned we need to keep things as routine as possible, it’s the easiest way to avoid arguments, and it seems to have spilled into my life as well. When I heard about the new job I was torn as to how I felt, in my heart of hearts I knew that I was in a rut and needed a change, but if the truth be told I didn’t want the stress of having to learn something new. I get enough stress on a daily basis dealing with the Mothership.

I’m sure I’ll find my feet, I always do. Four weeks in and if you were to ask me how I was getting on, I would tell you that it’s 50/50. I’m struggling with the constant stream of work that comes my way because I hate being in the position where I don’t know what I have to do with something. It’s disconcerting going from knowing a job inside out to not knowing it at all. I want to learn everything yesterday, but I am smart enough to know that is not possible. I’ve never done a job like this before, but I forget that I had never done any of the other jobs before either and I had to learn them too.

The other half of me feels alive, and challenged and eager to get stuck in. For the first time in a long time I look forward to going to work and the days fly by because concentration eats away at the minutes and the hours. I have a lot of learning to do and I am sure I will make many mistakes but hopefully I will get there.

There have been a lot of ups and downs.

Monday came, and my friend rang to tell me his Dog had passed away. I loved that dog. He always came to greet me when I went to visit, lay at my feet when I worked at the computer, stood guard with me when I hid behind the garage for a smoke and constantly nudged my bad leg, even though I put my good one forward, but I didn’t mind because he was my chum.

I stood in my office and cried, because that was one more thing that had changed and it was one thing too many. I cried for Casey, the loss of my old job, my lack of experience in the new one and just life in general. Clearly that was what I needed, because after standing in my new office which doesn’t feel like mine, dressed in clothes that make me feel uncomfortable, crying my lamps , I felt calm.

I’m on a rollercoaster and all I can do is hang on and hope for the best!

Onwards and Upwards!

RIP Casey, you were this womans best four legged furry friend and it won’t be the same without you!

P.s Mama I have NOT forgotten about my 7 weeks of Weird it will be done :)

Is it Friday yet FFS!

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Have you ever had one of those days where you want to run away and keep on running as fast as your  little legs will carry you? Yep, me too, in fact it’s been like that every day this week.

Sometimes people just expect too much of me, they want me to see myself through their eyes, and while the compliments and sentiment is nice, sometimes it just becomes another burden. Instead of lifting my spirits it dampens them, as I always feel the spectre of failure lurking close by.

Work

This whole job debacle has been preying on my mind, probably more than even I realised. Seeing as I had not heard it mentioned in a over a week I figured the whole thing had calmed down and perhaps been shelved, eradicating the need for me to make a decision. But no, just as my ass got comfy where it was, it rears its ugly head again. I’ve been told I am moving, as in do not pass go, do not collect £200, you have no choice, you’re outta your office, thanks for your time. Granted I am only moving up the stairs, but still, change is change.

50% of me likes the fact that I am being told, as it means 4 months down the line I cannot regret any decision I may have made should it prove to be the wrong one. The other 50% is like Whoa, WTF just happened! One thing is for sure, I am going to have to purchase some new clothing, my jeans and slogan tees will just not cut it in the ‘real’ world. I am going to have to become one of those women with a capsule wardrobe, I’m thinking 2 black shirts and 2 pairs of black trousers and I’ll call it a uniform, accessorizing with cheap but gorgeous scarves from Primark! The main problem with that is finding clothes I actually like and being able to pay for them.

The Ships

It would appear that the mother-ship feels I am not deserving of a social life. She seems to have forgotten that I am only 42 years of age and have a life to live.

Me: I got these little Quiches for when I am out on Tuesday.

Her: You’re out on Tuesday?

Me: Yes, and I am out tomorrow too.

Her: You’re out tomorrow?

Me: Yes.

Her: You’re going out an awful lot.

(Last time I was out with friends was about a month ago)

Me: I am entitled to a social life you know. You go out every week.

Her: Well it’s not much when I do.

Me: No but you still get out.

She seems to view me as the live in housekeeper who disappears for around 8 – 10 hours a day. Considering by this stage I’d already made the tea, cleaned up, made tomorrow nights tea, put in a load of washing and written the note for the Fruit and Veg Man all after a full day at work. Truth be told after all the preparation, I’m too feckin tired to go!

The father-ship is getting just as bad, and he doesn’t even have Dementia. I came home from work yesterday and he’d boiled eggs for their lunch. He didn’t however seem to feel there was any need to turn the pot off afterwards, which was why I came back to find the stove still on and the arse burnt out of it. The previous week he had turned the spuds on with no water and a few days after that turned on the wrong ring. Is it any wonder I’m stressed!!

Despite all this I have remained in relatively good humour, strangely.

What lies ahead!

Tomorrow night though is tea with Udders and Monkey and I can’t wait. I need some laughter to help me to forget the week that was.

Over the weekend there will no doubt be some GTA so if you’re playing online watch out, I have a lot of frustration to vent!

Happy Friday Eejits :)

I’m half left!

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Everyone has off days, of course they do. It’s like that old joke when someone asks you if you are alright, and you reply, no I’m half left because if I was all right I’d fall over.

My day was actually fine, the problems started when I got home. Sometimes I just want to go to my room, close the door, climb under the duvet and hide, however the insistent knocking on the door, followed by ‘it’s me again’ makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall instead.

Christmas Card gate is a disaster! My Father remarked he was amazed that I had remained so calm. I didn’t say a word, in fact I kept my mouth tightly shut, because I was scared that if I opened it the shattered remains of my teeth would spill onto the floor. What can I say, in times of great stress I clench and grind!

I’m only beginning to realise how stressful it is to look after a person with a mental illness, and how time consuming it is. It’s also extremely sad to watch someone who you know was a smart, articulate and outgoing individual disappear in front of your very eyes, while trying to convince them that you are not the enemy.

It’s also very hard to remain calm. I think I am getting better, I am certainly trying to. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away, perhaps shed a few tears, have a think and then approach the problem from a different angle. But there is the guilt, always the worry and the guilt.

I fight it a lot. I fight with my own feelings. I didn’t ask for this, but then I guess neither did she. I don’t think I can do it, and then I realise that I have been and I am amazed at the way I have stepped up to the plate and can now sort out tomorrow nights dinner as I cook tonight’s. Simple things I know, but I was used to cooking for one, not running a house for three.

I miss my free time though. I miss being able to ring Udders and say lets go for tea. These days there would have to be a 20 step, 3 day multi action plan before I could consider it. Although the other week I did show my Dad how to fry left over potatoes, so there is progress.

It’s all part of life though isn’t it and these things have to run their course, but sometimes you just need to let off a little steam.

No one said I was always going to be smiley and happy, I am after all half left.

P.s I made a New Year’s resolution I was going to write everything, not just the good stuff on this blog. So just in case the Zombie apocalypse comes before I make it to 2014 I’ve started early!

Information Overload!

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Image by: Keoni Cabral

When you blog, every little notification is a blessing. It’s a sign that somebody somewhere took the time to read and then either like or comment on one of your posts.

The other day I got one of the little trophies that informed me that I have received 1000 likes on my blog. It might not be many to some, but it’s a huge amount to me, and I am thankful to every eejit out there who took the time to show their appreciation for one of my posts. It means an awful lot.

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Bloomin Eck!

In a perfect world where money was no object I would invest in one of those new fangled 3D printers and produce a replica of that very same trophy, which I would then set on my desk as a reminder that I have achieved something.  Failing that I might just stuff a tennis ball inside an orange skin and buy a marker! Result and much cheaper too!

Thank you, thank you and again I say thank you!

Today has been one  of those days where at various times as it progressed I thought my brain was going to explode from the sheer volume of information being thrown at it. The great thing about being busy is that you have no time to process said information, so you push it to the back of your mind to make room for the next exciting installment.

Then you leave work and all hell breaks loose.

Instead of shutting down and putting a lid on the days proceedings, my brain has decided to rewind and regurgitate every piece of information it stored. Eh, hello there brain, I’m going home, can we not restart this tomorrow.  The answer, well that’s a big fat resounding nope, no can do!

Remember to ring such and such, tell the boss about the door, crap I forgot to send an e-mail, they want that report by when…….just shut up already!

You know it’s bad when the train conductor asks to see your ticket and you tell him you can’t remember if you put it on the spreadsheet or not. Made outstandingly worse by the fact that you look at him like he’s stupid as he looks at you like you’re deranged. Then the penny drops and you say, ohhhhh train ticket and smile a smile that you hope will erase the last 5 minutes from the memory of everyone in the vincinity!

Ah well, it’s almost tomorrow! Lets hope sleep resets the old grey matter!