Everyone has off days, of course they do. It’s like that old joke when someone asks you if you are alright, and you reply, no I’m half left because if I was all right I’d fall over.
My day was actually fine, the problems started when I got home. Sometimes I just want to go to my room, close the door, climb under the duvet and hide, however the insistent knocking on the door, followed by ‘it’s me again’ makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall instead.
Christmas Card gate is a disaster! My Father remarked he was amazed that I had remained so calm. I didn’t say a word, in fact I kept my mouth tightly shut, because I was scared that if I opened it the shattered remains of my teeth would spill onto the floor. What can I say, in times of great stress I clench and grind!
I’m only beginning to realise how stressful it is to look after a person with a mental illness, and how time consuming it is. It’s also extremely sad to watch someone who you know was a smart, articulate and outgoing individual disappear in front of your very eyes, while trying to convince them that you are not the enemy.
It’s also very hard to remain calm. I think I am getting better, I am certainly trying to. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away, perhaps shed a few tears, have a think and then approach the problem from a different angle. But there is the guilt, always the worry and the guilt.
I fight it a lot. I fight with my own feelings. I didn’t ask for this, but then I guess neither did she. I don’t think I can do it, and then I realise that I have been and I am amazed at the way I have stepped up to the plate and can now sort out tomorrow nights dinner as I cook tonight’s. Simple things I know, but I was used to cooking for one, not running a house for three.
I miss my free time though. I miss being able to ring Udders and say lets go for tea. These days there would have to be a 20 step, 3 day multi action plan before I could consider it. Although the other week I did show my Dad how to fry left over potatoes, so there is progress.
It’s all part of life though isn’t it and these things have to run their course, but sometimes you just need to let off a little steam.
No one said I was always going to be smiley and happy, I am after all half left.
P.s I made a New Year’s resolution I was going to write everything, not just the good stuff on this blog. So just in case the Zombie apocalypse comes before I make it to 2014 I’ve started early!
12 thoughts on “I’m half left!”
I’m so sorry. I offer hugs…and advice to get a mouth guard. I also clench and grind. I’ve lost one tooth, and two more are fractured. You can catch yourself during the day, it is the night that’s killer.
Ty for the hugs, gratefully accepted. I know re the night time with teeth, I have 3 of the biggies at the back that are pretty much ready to go at some stage. I’m not as bad now as I used to be though, because I no longer have jaw pain so that’s something I guess.
You sound like a real humanitarian – honestly, a bit like a parent. Hang in there, and I’ll stick around to give you moral support. That way if you turn out to be alright you can lean on me instead of falling over!
Thank you, it’s good to have people to lean on sometimes, you know that extends both ways though right :)
Well that’s good because if we’re both alright then we’re both in trouble!
It’s a hard journey for you but you know what is happening. Your mum is making the sad journey on what will feel like her own. Not easy!
I know, it’s not easy for anyone. My Dad gets the brunt of it, so it’s him I feel most sorry for.
Hmm Juls, I wish you’d have more peace and calmth around you! Please survive, we need you ;).
I will don’t worry. I’ll always be around if you need me :) x
just because hugs are always good … even when you don’t need them in the moment – just store them for later.
I’ve missed your hugs, so gratefully received x
anytime my dear …. any time :)