The Things We Receive In Our Mail

Image by: Gajman


How are you? Can I trust you? I am sick and rich and I want you to help me distribute my funds to charity organizations,

Please reply if you can help me distribute my funds and I am willing to give 20% of 38.5MILLION for your time.

Waiting for your urgent response.


Mrs Randa Ahmed

The above is yet another fine example of the unrelenting spam mail that Outlook thankfully filters into a ‘We shall take care of this shit for you’ folder. They seamlessly sort good from evil, shielding me from the worst that the world of the Internet has to offer.

My hatred of ‘Spam’ is not a new thing, in fact it was one of my first posts when I started this blog, although back then, nobody knew who I was. Nowadays people still don’t really know, but thankfully they are kind enough to humour me! You can read it HERE if you’re bored.

Occasionally when I see the numbers rise in my junk folder, I will have a quick rummage to make sure nothing of note has slipped through the net. Wading through the offers of Viagra, Penis Englargment Brochures and Free online sex whilst entertaining, is a period of time spent that I can never reclaim. I particularly love the ones similar to the above, that promise me a share of their fortune for a little assistance, which is usually in the form of money, only you’re not told that at the time.

Another pet hate would have to be ‘Cold Callers’, so incensed was I, that I previously wrote about them as well.

My Mother and Father receive an awful lot of cold calls. I have a different telephone line, so I probably do as well, I just never check it.

I used to feel guilty and tell myself they were only doing their job, and what a shitty job it must be. Well not anymore. Cold callers beware, I hate you with a passion and I will make the 60 seconds you spend on the phone with me as tortuous as I can.

Cold Caller (hereafter referred to as Ahole): Good afternoon is that (insert Motherships name)

Me: No, it’s her daughter.

Ahole: Ah good afternoon Madam, I wish to advise you that your computer has been infected with a virus.

Me: No it hasn’t.

Ahole: Yes Maam is has.

Me: No! It really hasn’t.

Ahole: How do you know?

Me: There is no computer.

Ahole: There is a computer.

Me: No! There really isn’t.

Ahole: Are you lying to me?

Me: (laughing) No I am not lying to you.

Ahole: Do you find this funny, you are laughing so you must be lying to me.

Me (getting irritated): You rang up and asked to speak to (insert motherships name) correct?

Ahole: Correct

Me: Well then I am not lying, in fact I am laughing because you are accusing me of being a liar when out of the two of us, I am the only one that clearly knows that my mother does not, nor never has owned a computer. But thanks for your time.

….dial tone!

To be fair, being the worrier that I am, I did run straight up the stairs to make sure my computer was in fact still working! Surprise surprise it was!

There was another call a while back too, where a gentleman tried to sell me a mobile telephone. The conversation went on for a good ten minutes with me telling him I did not want a new mobile phone and him telling me that I really needed a new telephone. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t just hang up, instead of standing there, my rage boiling like a kettle. After telling him for the gazillionth time that I did not want the phone, he replied, “Well I’m going to send you the bloody phone anyway” and hung up. WTF!!

Cold callers learn a lesson – I might be a soft touch, who does not say no very often, but believe me, when I say it I mean it!

Dear Mrs Ahmed,


I would ask if I could call you Randa, but I doubt that is even your name.


More likely it is one you have stolen borrowed from some unsuspecting lady who has no idea that she is doing the rounds of the Internet.


But I digress, back to your e-mail, I’m good thank you for asking. With regards to your question of can you trust me, that’s unlikely considering you do not even know me, are you that stupid that you go around offering a 20% share of your fortune to complete strangers. I have 500,000 in Grand Theft Auto Dollars and not even I’m that stupid!


Have you ever considered, what with you being so sick and rich, that you could hire yourself a Secretary to help you distribute your bullshit funds. Failing that, there are lots of very worthy Charities who would offer you help themselves for a sizeable whack of your fortune.


Now I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but to be honest I would rather you just gave the 20% you were going to give me to Charity, while I give you….sweet feck all.


I’d be happy to provide you a list of where I would like my money to go, if you would like to converse again, this has after all been such good fun!




The Indecisive Eejit

I might be Ham!!

I think, I hope, well I seem to be Ham again.

(If you’re  confused please read my previous post Turning Spam into Ham)

I was able to comment this morning, and better still it actually showed up.

I haven’t however had an email from Akismet, so this may only be temporary. Fair play, it’s put a smile on my face this morning anyway.

Many thanks to those of you who battled the Spam Spectre on my behalf and rescued me from the Losers folder. It is much appreciated.

The rest of you, well you may still find some of my comments festering in the underworld, so there remains a little time to do your bit with regards to the preservation of my sanity!

I quite like being ham again, as long as I can get through the day without anyone trying to turn me into a sandwich!

Turning Spam into Ham!

The Spam Spectre!
The Spam Spectre!

I was getting a little bit paranoid.

Not the kind where I saw people wearing tan Mackintoshes and sunglasses duck behind trees and dustbins, but paranoid all the same.

Without my knowledge, I had become the lead character in “The Mystery of the Missing Comments.”

It started out harmlessly enough, I commented on a couple of peoples blogs. I’d never visited them before, so the fact that my comments didn’t show up was not all that strange. They, like me, may prefer to view all comments before they are published.

Another thing that lead me away from the scent was the fact that I was merrily rabbiting…umm…commenting away on my own site with no problems. Duh! I never even considered the possibility that this was because it’s my own site.

Today I commented and again it didn’t show up.  I thought, “Ok,” they’ve changed their settings as well, but when two further comments then appeared from other people, that quickly changed to “ah feck, have I offended them!” Two more sites and the same problem, so another change to “FFS the whole blogging community has barred me.”

As fast as my little fingers could type I directed my web page towards Geeky and Freaky and Purple Shirt Paul, there is no way my two best friends would abandon me, no matter how much of a pain in the arse I am, but sadly they had as well.

Sensing all was not right with the world I loaded up a search engine and typed in, my comments are not showing in worpress?

After a couple of minutes of reading I realised that I was not alone in this problem, it had happened before. I continued reading as my blood pressure slowly returned to normal.

Basically it looks like Akismet has taken a dislike to me for some reason and is therefore sending all my comments to your spam folder, well that’s where Lee found them anyway. I’ve e-mailed them and notified them of the problem. Apparently it’s quite common.

For those who liked reading my comments, I haven’t abandoned you. I was kidnapped by the Spam Spectre and we were loitering with intent in the losers folder. You can rest assured that the voice you heard calling “Hello, over here!” was not in your head.

If I promise to behave will you come rescue me?

Free The Geeky G4mer – Head over to your folder and mark me as NOT SPAM please, I’d be ever so grateful!

Akismet calls this turning Spam into Ham :)


Until I dipped a toe into the lake of Information Technology, I thought Spam was something you put between two slices of bread!

Spam (shortened from spiced ham) is a canned precooked meat product

When I set up my first e-mail address, and then my first blog I realised there was a whole new type of spam I had never even heard of, processed meat had an evil twin!

“Spam is the use of electronic messaging systems to send unsolicited bulk messages, especially advertising, indiscriminately”

Currently in my junk mail folder I have 6 emails which are as follows:

  • 80% off Viagra – Hmm not going to be much good to me unless I want a stiff neck! Tablets get stuck in my throat a lot, I blame hayfever!
  • Are you getting these???? –  this is some chick who keeps asking me am I getting her e-mails because she wants to give me free passes to her porn show – No luv I’m not, you’re at the bottom of the dung pile, and as lovely as I am sure you are you’re just not my type, as in you are not male!
  • Herbs for Weight loss –  They saying I’m a little rounder than I should be?
  • Outrageously Cheap Wine – I actually might need some. I’m a little traumatised by the previous e-mail calling me a fat fecker.
  • Top sale in Viagra – Perhaps I should start a little import / export here, I never was able to pass up on a bargain! And if I have two e-mails about it, it must be good stuff.
  • Free Lifetime Pass to Sex Whenever you want – To sex whom? Is it kind of like a Get Out of Jail Free card as in you produce it when you need to? I’m pretty sure I would get arrested if I walked up to some random bloke on the street and said here mate I have a Free Lifetime Pass to Sex whenever I want and I want to Sex with you and proceed  to drag him back to my lair.

Receiving spam is kind of annoying, but funny. I’ve been offered some strange shit in the 15 odd years I have been online, and it’s given me a laugh or two.

Now it’s happening here as well. I was all excited today thinking, hey someone liked something, because I had so many comments. Then I noticed the red spam beside it, ffs!

I had an interesting argument with myself for about 5 minutes with regards to the merits of ignoring the spam and putting the comments on anyway… reasoning was,  any comment is better than no comment. I mean if you peek through your fingers you can almost block out the promises of penis enlargement, unless of course you feel you may benefit from them in which case click away to your hearts content!

Good sense prevailed and after I had thoroughly read each and every one in the vain hopes of finding something sensible I sent them all to the trash can. I’d rather have comments because  someone found something interesting, funny or had something to say rather than because I am a blue pill popping, fat, sex addicted alcoholic.

The End!