The Things We Receive In Our Mail

Image by: Gajman


How are you? Can I trust you? I am sick and rich and I want you to help me distribute my funds to charity organizations,

Please reply if you can help me distribute my funds and I am willing to give 20% of 38.5MILLION for your time.

Waiting for your urgent response.


Mrs Randa Ahmed

The above is yet another fine example of the unrelenting spam mail that Outlook thankfully filters into a ‘We shall take care of this shit for you’ folder. They seamlessly sort good from evil, shielding me from the worst that the world of the Internet has to offer.

My hatred of ‘Spam’ is not a new thing, in fact it was one of my first posts when I started this blog, although back then, nobody knew who I was. Nowadays people still don’t really know, but thankfully they are kind enough to humour me! You can read it HERE if you’re bored.

Occasionally when I see the numbers rise in my junk folder, I will have a quick rummage to make sure nothing of note has slipped through the net. Wading through the offers of Viagra, Penis Englargment Brochures and Free online sex whilst entertaining, is a period of time spent that I can never reclaim. I particularly love the ones similar to the above, that promise me a share of their fortune for a little assistance, which is usually in the form of money, only you’re not told that at the time.

Another pet hate would have to be ‘Cold Callers’, so incensed was I, that I previously wrote about them as well.

My Mother and Father receive an awful lot of cold calls. I have a different telephone line, so I probably do as well, I just never check it.

I used to feel guilty and tell myself they were only doing their job, and what a shitty job it must be. Well not anymore. Cold callers beware, I hate you with a passion and I will make the 60 seconds you spend on the phone with me as tortuous as I can.

Cold Caller (hereafter referred to as Ahole): Good afternoon is that (insert Motherships name)

Me: No, it’s her daughter.

Ahole: Ah good afternoon Madam, I wish to advise you that your computer has been infected with a virus.

Me: No it hasn’t.

Ahole: Yes Maam is has.

Me: No! It really hasn’t.

Ahole: How do you know?

Me: There is no computer.

Ahole: There is a computer.

Me: No! There really isn’t.

Ahole: Are you lying to me?

Me: (laughing) No I am not lying to you.

Ahole: Do you find this funny, you are laughing so you must be lying to me.

Me (getting irritated): You rang up and asked to speak to (insert motherships name) correct?

Ahole: Correct

Me: Well then I am not lying, in fact I am laughing because you are accusing me of being a liar when out of the two of us, I am the only one that clearly knows that my mother does not, nor never has owned a computer. But thanks for your time.

….dial tone!

To be fair, being the worrier that I am, I did run straight up the stairs to make sure my computer was in fact still working! Surprise surprise it was!

There was another call a while back too, where a gentleman tried to sell me a mobile telephone. The conversation went on for a good ten minutes with me telling him I did not want a new mobile phone and him telling me that I really needed a new telephone. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t just hang up, instead of standing there, my rage boiling like a kettle. After telling him for the gazillionth time that I did not want the phone, he replied, “Well I’m going to send you the bloody phone anyway” and hung up. WTF!!

Cold callers learn a lesson – I might be a soft touch, who does not say no very often, but believe me, when I say it I mean it!

Dear Mrs Ahmed,


I would ask if I could call you Randa, but I doubt that is even your name.


More likely it is one you have stolen borrowed from some unsuspecting lady who has no idea that she is doing the rounds of the Internet.


But I digress, back to your e-mail, I’m good thank you for asking. With regards to your question of can you trust me, that’s unlikely considering you do not even know me, are you that stupid that you go around offering a 20% share of your fortune to complete strangers. I have 500,000 in Grand Theft Auto Dollars and not even I’m that stupid!


Have you ever considered, what with you being so sick and rich, that you could hire yourself a Secretary to help you distribute your bullshit funds. Failing that, there are lots of very worthy Charities who would offer you help themselves for a sizeable whack of your fortune.


Now I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but to be honest I would rather you just gave the 20% you were going to give me to Charity, while I give you….sweet feck all.


I’d be happy to provide you a list of where I would like my money to go, if you would like to converse again, this has after all been such good fun!




The Indecisive Eejit

22 thoughts on “The Things We Receive In Our Mail

  1. Hah! Love that you make their time as torturous as possible! Well done! And totally agree on this. They’re nothing short of ridiculous with some of these ploys they come up with. Most annoying!


  2. My favorite was back when I was about 25, roughly [mumblemumble] years ago, on a Friday night, when I was about to leave for a party at a studio full of handsome-albeit-emotionally-stunted musicians and lots of booze, when the phone rang.

    “Have you considered your final arrangements?”

    The guy was trying to sell a cemetery plot. To me. In my 20s. Getting ready to go out and party. I laughed so hard at the poor bastard he probably hasn’t picked up a phone for any reason ever since.


  3. Ahh, cold callers are one of the reasons I never enabled my voice mail on my cell phone. I hate voice mail, want to get a hold of me, send a text or an email. Don’t call me, lol.

    This post nails it all so much! I love how you got one over on the Indian spammers, they have been wrecking computers in the U.S. for far too long. Ars Technica had a great write up on it.


  4. This cracks me up! In a related vein, a CSR at my insurance company recently hung up on me because my “tone was threatening.” Wowza.


  5. The telemarketers are doing that “virus on your computer” shit here, too. Last week they hit the land line and then not 10 minutes later hit my cell phone with the same ruse.


  6. We somehow got on a RWNJ list, and so I get calls from Newt and Rick Santorum, others too. I make it a point to take as much of their time as I can. Many questions! How will this help? How long have you been doing this? Are you a volunteer or paid worker?

    The long message from Rick Santorum was hysterical!

    These guys want both your time and your money, and so I want to use as mich of their time as I can. Just put the phone down with speaker on, barely able to hear it. LEt them go as long as they can, then start with contradictory questions.


    • Is that ‘Right Wing Nut Job’? If it is you can thank Google and not my brain cells.
      You know I like the idea you have of just leaving down the phone. I might make a recording and play it while they wait, it will say ‘You call is important to us’ lol


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