Tag: Dementia

Is it Friday yet FFS!

The Indecisive Eejit22 Comments

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Have you ever had one of those days where you want to run away and keep on running as fast as your  little legs will carry you? Yep, me too, in fact it’s been like that every day this week.

Sometimes people just expect too much of me, they want me to see myself through their eyes, and while the compliments and sentiment is nice, sometimes it just becomes another burden. Instead of lifting my spirits it dampens them, as I always feel the spectre of failure lurking close by.

Work

This whole job debacle has been preying on my mind, probably more than even I realised. Seeing as I had not heard it mentioned in a over a week I figured the whole thing had calmed down and perhaps been shelved, eradicating the need for me to make a decision. But no, just as my ass got comfy where it was, it rears its ugly head again. I’ve been told I am moving, as in do not pass go, do not collect £200, you have no choice, you’re outta your office, thanks for your time. Granted I am only moving up the stairs, but still, change is change.

50% of me likes the fact that I am being told, as it means 4 months down the line I cannot regret any decision I may have made should it prove to be the wrong one. The other 50% is like Whoa, WTF just happened! One thing is for sure, I am going to have to purchase some new clothing, my jeans and slogan tees will just not cut it in the ‘real’ world. I am going to have to become one of those women with a capsule wardrobe, I’m thinking 2 black shirts and 2 pairs of black trousers and I’ll call it a uniform, accessorizing with cheap but gorgeous scarves from Primark! The main problem with that is finding clothes I actually like and being able to pay for them.

The Ships

It would appear that the mother-ship feels I am not deserving of a social life. She seems to have forgotten that I am only 42 years of age and have a life to live.

Me: I got these little Quiches for when I am out on Tuesday.

Her: You’re out on Tuesday?

Me: Yes, and I am out tomorrow too.

Her: You’re out tomorrow?

Me: Yes.

Her: You’re going out an awful lot.

(Last time I was out with friends was about a month ago)

Me: I am entitled to a social life you know. You go out every week.

Her: Well it’s not much when I do.

Me: No but you still get out.

She seems to view me as the live in housekeeper who disappears for around 8 – 10 hours a day. Considering by this stage I’d already made the tea, cleaned up, made tomorrow nights tea, put in a load of washing and written the note for the Fruit and Veg Man all after a full day at work. Truth be told after all the preparation, I’m too feckin tired to go!

The father-ship is getting just as bad, and he doesn’t even have Dementia. I came home from work yesterday and he’d boiled eggs for their lunch. He didn’t however seem to feel there was any need to turn the pot off afterwards, which was why I came back to find the stove still on and the arse burnt out of it. The previous week he had turned the spuds on with no water and a few days after that turned on the wrong ring. Is it any wonder I’m stressed!!

Despite all this I have remained in relatively good humour, strangely.

What lies ahead!

Tomorrow night though is tea with Udders and Monkey and I can’t wait. I need some laughter to help me to forget the week that was.

Over the weekend there will no doubt be some GTA so if you’re playing online watch out, I have a lot of frustration to vent!

Happy Friday Eejits :)

Leave your shoes at the door!

The Indecisive Eejit23 Comments
New Shoes
Image from hem.com.np

I don’t normally do the DP Weekly challenge, but this one’s Rara’s so I’m going to give it a go!

Weekly Writing Challenge: Leave Your Shoes at the Door

I’m usually afraid to do challenges like  this because I am always scared that my interpretation of the question will be so far off the wall that no one will have a clue what I am on about.

For some strange reason when  I thought about this challenge all I could think about was writing what it would be like to walk in someone else’s shoes for a day. Then I thought, why would I walk in someone else’s shoes, when for so many reasons I am not comfortable walking in my own.

On the 5th July 2012 my life changed. People had a habit of saying to me, if you don’t slow down, something is going to happen to make you slow down. My Mum had a mini stroke which resulted with a bleed on the brain around 10 – 12 years ago. Over the last 5 – 6 years she has been getting worse with regards to memory, speech etc, albeit very slowly.

I’d already started to do the housework on Saturdays, after working all week, and then heading in for a 10 hour night shift on a Saturday night. My own work at the time was pretty stressful and on the day of my accident the form in the house was pretty bad. Walking through the living room I tripped and ruptured the patella tendon in my left knee.

I’d never had surgery before.  I’m not ashamed to say I cried. It was the first time I’d had to sign a form to acknowledge the fact that I might die during some procedure or another.  Thankfully I came out the other side.

In the following months during my recovery, I was really low. Always used to working I found the whole doing nothing thing was harder than I imagined. I’m a terrible worrier, in fact, if I am not worrying, I start to worry that I have forgotten what the original problem was. I am also crippled with anxiety. I am finally able to admit it now. I was worried I was never going to walk again.

Being at home for 6 months allowed me to see just how much my Mum had deteriorated and about a month before I was due to go back to work I started to cook the dinners, I was the hop along chef! It’s stayed like that ever since. Now I do the washing, change the beds, all the cooking and cleaning.

I can no longer walk in the shoes I wore pre accident, and I am not walking the same path either. Everything has changed, I can’t honestly say for the better. If I had a pound for all the people who have told me it will get worse before it gets better, I’d be a rich woman.

I have no self confidence, I am a born worrier prone to anxiety and despite how I come across I am actually quite shy until I get to know you, being behind a computer screen is fine. I also now have an intermittent limp and pain most days, but I am walking and that’s the main thing.

So now you see why I wouldn’t feel comfortable writing about being in someone else’s shoes, until I am comfortable in my own. I have a lot of work to do! I need to get new shoes :)

Well hello there 2014!

The Indecisive Eejit11 Comments
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Image from Amazing Photos

Tomorrow has become today, so you know what that means right, yep, it’s New Year! It’s been a very quiet day, I remarked to my friend whilst we were having lunch that, for me anyway, it did not feel like New Years Eve at all.

Now the night has arrived I almost feel like I should be doing something, I dunno, let’s say swinging my granny pants over my head on a dance floor somewhere. The sad reality is though that I am so tired I am considering falling into bed and sleeping through the big event. I’m crafty though, I am going to type this now and schedule it for just after midnight. If you are reading it on the 1st of January (GMT) then my first foray into the world of scheduling was a resounding success.

2013 has been an up and down year for me. I had high hopes after the disaster that was 2012 that the new year was going to bring great things. In some ways it did, but it’s still been challenging none the less.

I finally admitted to myself that after the whole alien leg thing I was struggling with a bout of mild depression. In relation to the  recovery process I had been prepared for the physical pressure, but I had no idea how badly it would affect me mentally. I’m used to being able to do most things for myself, so having to take a back seat in some aspects and even rely on other people for assistance did not sit well with me. I still get extremely frustrated when there are things I can’t do, or on the days when I feel like the lower half of my body belongs to someone else. I’m learning to cope with the back pain that comes from the change to my gait, and the fact that my leg gives out at random intervals. The whole healing process is just going to take a little longer than I initially thought.

The biggest changes this year have been to my home life, with my Mum having stroke damage / dementia. Looking back it’s hard to believe I ever had a part time job. As things stand currently there is no way I would be able to return. Most days I adopt the ‘just get on with it’ attitude, but occasionally I feel it sitting very heavily on my shoulders and worrying about the future suffocates me. People tell me not to worry, but unless you are living in the situation day in, day out, it’s a rather rash statement to make. Here’s the thing though, I’m a bit of a believer in the saying ‘Things happen for a reason’, so I think there is a reason why I am here, it’s just not become apparent yet. I am extremely lucky to have good family and friends whose hands help me up when I am feeling down.

In 2013 I started blogging. The Geeky G4mer became The Indecisive Eejit and I found a little space on blogsphere where I was happy. I could never have imagined how much of a lift it would give me when on the 31st March 2013 I published my first post entitled ‘Ach what about ye’. In all honesty I had no intentions of staying, I figured it would be just another one of my fly by night ideas, but then a wonderful little thing known as interaction happened.

People started liking and commenting and following and as I got to know them all a new little group of friends formed, not to replace, but to compliment those I already had.

There have been days when the forecast has looked bleak and one of you has added a ray of sunshine. You all, have been an immense help to me, giving me a reason to keep on with my writing, offering me encouragement, sympathy, love and hope. I honestly do believe I would not have made it through unscathed without your support.

So to all of you, Internet friends, real life friends and my family, I wish you nothing but the best for 2014. Set your expectations low, but aim big.

Pri-Li sent me this via Facebook and I just had to share, because it summed up this Eejit and her followers perfectly:

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every numpty can read, but look at you havin a go!
This is a sentimental time of the year.
Please send an encouraging message to fucked up friends, just as I’ve done.
I don’t care if you lick windows, or occasionally shit yourself.
You hang in there cupcake, you’re fuckin special, you’re my mate!
Look at you smiling at your phone!

 

I’m half left!

The Indecisive Eejit12 Comments

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Everyone has off days, of course they do. It’s like that old joke when someone asks you if you are alright, and you reply, no I’m half left because if I was all right I’d fall over.

My day was actually fine, the problems started when I got home. Sometimes I just want to go to my room, close the door, climb under the duvet and hide, however the insistent knocking on the door, followed by ‘it’s me again’ makes me want to bang my head repeatedly against the wall instead.

Christmas Card gate is a disaster! My Father remarked he was amazed that I had remained so calm. I didn’t say a word, in fact I kept my mouth tightly shut, because I was scared that if I opened it the shattered remains of my teeth would spill onto the floor. What can I say, in times of great stress I clench and grind!

I’m only beginning to realise how stressful it is to look after a person with a mental illness, and how time consuming it is. It’s also extremely sad to watch someone who you know was a smart, articulate and outgoing individual disappear in front of your very eyes, while trying to convince them that you are not the enemy.

It’s also very hard to remain calm. I think I am getting better, I am certainly trying to. Sometimes it’s just better to walk away, perhaps shed a few tears, have a think and then approach the problem from a different angle. But there is the guilt, always the worry and the guilt.

I fight it a lot. I fight with my own feelings. I didn’t ask for this, but then I guess neither did she. I don’t think I can do it, and then I realise that I have been and I am amazed at the way I have stepped up to the plate and can now sort out tomorrow nights dinner as I cook tonight’s. Simple things I know, but I was used to cooking for one, not running a house for three.

I miss my free time though. I miss being able to ring Udders and say lets go for tea. These days there would have to be a 20 step, 3 day multi action plan before I could consider it. Although the other week I did show my Dad how to fry left over potatoes, so there is progress.

It’s all part of life though isn’t it and these things have to run their course, but sometimes you just need to let off a little steam.

No one said I was always going to be smiley and happy, I am after all half left.

P.s I made a New Year’s resolution I was going to write everything, not just the good stuff on this blog. So just in case the Zombie apocalypse comes before I make it to 2014 I’ve started early!