Tomorrow is a new day

Image from My Status 360

It’s probably a bad idea to write a blog post when you’re cross, and I am cross today. Its been another fun filled day in the office and I’ve completely fallen out with myself. About 45 minutes after going in, I wanted to turn on my heel and go back out, but I didn’t have the balls.

It’s fitting I suppose that I should feel like this, because I’ve finally stopped wondering what I am going to do with my blog. After much pondering, humming and haaahing I’ve decided I’m going to do nothing. Nothing drastic anyway.

This blog is important for me, especially on days like today where I need to stop, sit down and have a serious fucking think about where my life is going.

You see if it wasn’t for this space and it’s blank pages, I probably wouldn’t talk about the veritable storm that goes on between my ears. Instead I’d dwell, ponder and make mountains out of molehills. More so than I do normally.

I’m not the same person I was four years ago when I started this blog and it’s unlikely that I ever will be again, so I need to stop pretending to be someone I am not and embrace who I am becoming instead.

In order to do that I need to be able to write everything and about all parts of me. When I started blogging and chose to be anonymous, things were a lot easier, but when people from real life started to find out my words became stifled. So much so that despite the fact that my mind was awash with ideas, many posts remained in my head unwritten.

In reality I like to think that sometimes I can be funny, but I am hounded by anxiety and I have no doubt that often times depression nips at my heels. So I suppose in essence that means there are two sides to me, on one hand we have the public persona and on the other we have the private one. Although both are very different, when they are put together they make up the person I am.

I need and want to be able to express myself on this blog, and going forward that is something I am going to try to do. I don’t need anyone to worry about me. I find writing extremely therapeutic, it helps me to put things into perspective and sort them out. I don’t write for sympathy and nor do I want sympathy. I’m not the only person in the world with problems and this wonderful community proves that. We work and we support each other and for me that is the real beauty behind blogging.

So, you’re stuck with me for a while longer. I’ve decided to take you on my journey of discovery. It’s all about finding out who I am, what’s going on in that wonky top box of mine and how I sort it out.

Some days there will be tears and some days there will be laughter, but that’s all part of life isn’t it, we have to take the good with the bad.

Thank you so much for being here for the last however many years, months or days you have followed, I have no doubt I have received more from this community than I have given and I feel truly blessed to be a part of it.

To celebrate and as a present to myself, I finally mapped my domain name, I doubt you will have noticed, but it’s just something small that makes things a little more permanent for me.

Also, excluding social media followers, one of my goals was always to reach 1000 followers on WordPress itself. At the time of writing this post there are 998. I’ve decided that’s good enough because in life I am never really quite where I want to be, but it doesn’t stop me trying anyway.

Just over four years ago I had nothing, just some words on a page and no followers. Now I am a part of something I love, and I hope that continues for a long time.

P.s I’m not cross any more :)

Weekend Wonderings

I seem to go through little periods of thinking. I shouldn’t think, it’s bad for me.

Every now and then I will question my need for this blog or where I fit into the so called blogsphere. I don’t have a niche as such, I’m more a bits and pieces of everything.

When starting I suppose my intention was to be a humour blog, but then life changed and all the humour kinda got sucked out of it and me. I’d still like to think I am marginally funny, or at least working my way back to that point. But as a wise man once said, self praise is no recommendation.

I think I have changed since I started writing way back in 2013, I’m not sure if it is for the better. Somewhere along the line while looking for someone to adult I realised that it was actually me, I was supposed to be the adult, well that was a steep learning curve I tell ya. Someone needs to write one of those yellow books entitled ‘The Idiots Guide to Adulting’. I could certainly have made use of it.

I did grow up, I dealt with seriously injuring my leg, which led to my first ever surgery, followed by becoming  a carer, followed by perhaps a little depression and a whole host of anxiety from these past events. Through counselling I realised I was an introvert and that I more than likely have mild social anxiety issues. People keep telling me I need to push through and force myself to do more, but for me that’s like standing at the edge of a boiling cauldron with everyone urging me to jump. Why can it not be enough for people that I am trying!

What does that mean for this blog, does it mean that I have outgrown it and is it time to give up and move on, or does it mean that I just let it evolve with me and see where the journey takes us both.

I want people to read what I write because they are genuinely interested in what I have to say. But I also want them to understand that I am geeky and awkward and not always sure of how to reply to the awesome comments that are left.  I want to write whatever my wonky little brain desires without people worrying I am going to fall off the edge of the earth.

I’ve been enjoying doing some of the fiction challenges, they make me think, but in a good way. They challenge me to hone my writing skills and they give me something else to focus on other than the inside of this rut I seem to find myself in.

When do you realise that enough is enough? When do you realise that it is time to move on, or when do you stop building barriers for yourself and just get on with the job at hand. I tell myself that likes and follows don’t matter and I mean that, but the interaction does. I love this community and I would miss it.

So I stay, but I don’t really evolve. I wonder if six months down the line people would even remember who I was. Perhaps they would say, you must remember her, you know, the weird girl from Ireland with the ginger hair. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t find that offensive, I quite like being weird :)

Perhaps one day I will eventually figure out who I am. Then I can figure out what here is. And we can all live happily ever after.

Until then I guess I just continue to be happy, be weird and be an eejit!

Predictive priorities

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Only yesterday I was rejoicing the fact that everyday this week the trains free WiFi has worked allowing me the opportunity to read and actually like posts on Bloglovin. I opened my mouth too soon, because today it has betrayed me. On the only journey of the week where I do not have to change trains, its has decided not to function. Bollocks!

I love the fact that on most days I am able to keep up with the outside world, but I am similarly horrified at how the predictive text or autocorrect on my phone seems to think I speak.

It has this knack, smart little bugger that it is, of changing simple words, that while it may only be one letter, add a different context to a whole sentence. Instead of being ‘on’ the loo, I am ‘in’ the loo. I know you’re wondering how I was even able to type from such a small bowl in the first place!

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My friend randomly found this picture on the internet during the week and enquired if it was me. Umm yes it is, apparently my arse is a star, how could she not have known. Actually, maybe I’m just an arse!

This past few days I have actually had enough time to comment on a few posts. Like myself, not everyone is able to reply right there and then, so sometimes I need to remind myself of what I said. It’s usually at this point that overuse of the term ‘FFS’ occurs as I look with horror at how my comments have turned out. I would be first in line to petition for a way to edit my comments on someone else’s blog, not just my own.

Clearly as I type away with merry abandon I do not pay enough attention to the fact that my phone is also merrily typing its own version of my words. Those of you who read my comments must think I’m stupid….I am, but not as much as my phone would lead you to believe. Take that look off your face, I’m being serious.

So forgive me readers, for many times I have sinned against Saint Grammar, but in my defence regardless of whether it was my fault or not, I’m blaming the phone.

In the words of the almighty Bart Simpson, “I didn’t do it, no one saw me do it, you can’t prove anything!”

To Comment or Not to Comment..

After a conversation last night, I went looking for this post. The subject matter of the discussion centered around comments and my explanations as to why I do not always leave one.

Although this post was originally written in July 2013, most of it still applies, except the one about the blog gods, I figured out eventually there is no such thing. I was new and foolish, don’t judge me. 

A new one to add to the reasons, is time, as in not having enough of it.

Regardless, rather then reblog,  I though I would just re publish the post. 


To comment or not to comment, that is the question…..

I won’t like a post, unless I actually like a post. I’m not in the habit of just scrolling down my reader merrily clicking as I go, not reading anything.  Quite the opposite, I try to read everything. However unless you knew my strategy, you would perhaps assume I am a serial liker as I seldom back up my choices with a comment.

Comments scare me.

There are a few reasons for this, and you will most likely laugh when you read them and in your head reaffirm my status as an eejit, but here they are none the less. It may even help me to become more proactive on the commenting front and you to understand why you don’t always see one.

Firstly we have the blog gods, you know the ones, always on Freshly Pressed and quite rightly so. Super slick blogs and superior content that makes you want to cry because you know no matter how long you blog, or how well you blog, you will just never be in that league. Every time you see one of their posts in your reader you leave it until last because you know it’s going to be the best.

All their posts get over 100 likes and probably around the same amount of comments, each one a beautifully crafted little nugget of wisdom or humour. I can’t compete with that. In I’d wade with my big clod hoppers and muddy the clear waters, by posting something that made me laugh out loud but everyone else would look at and go, what the f……..!

The blog gods would look at little old me and assume I am a serial liker, trying to piggy back off their success to gain views for my own humble offerings.

Secondly you have the posts that make you heart sore. You read it and just want to reach into the screen, pull out the writer and hug them like there is no tomorrow. You want to comment so badly, even if it is just to let them know you understand, but words fail. There is nothing you can say that is going to make any difference, and any offerings you can think of just seem insignificant to the words of wisdom from others. I like these posts and leave, because I never know what to say.

Then we have the gaming posts and movie reviews. If I don’t know enough about the subject matter then I choose not to comment, because to do so would just show my ignorance and lack of knowledge about the post. I love reading them to gain the knowledge and to entertain the possibility of perhaps giving them a try, but usually any comments I make will be questions.

Then I have the circle of blogs I usually do comment on. These people for whatever reason have accepted me, embraced my stupidity and in some cases even encouraged it. Without them I would be lost, because each gives me the courage to carry on and face my commenting fears, by replying and letting me know it’s ok if sometimes I am not the brightest fairy in the forest.

So rest assured, if I follow your blog it is because I find it interesting and would like to revisit, not because I want to use your kudos to move up the ladder. If I comment and you think its nonsense give me the benefit of the doubt, I mean well. If I don’t comment, I probably wanted to, more than you know, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

This blogging malarkey is a learning curve and I am just heading into the bend…..

This could be a long one….

Shirt N Tie

I’ve a lot to say, so bear with me, this could be a long one.

Ben Howard is playing in the background as I type. I’m attempting to sort out new playlists for my journeys as I am back to train travel as from tomorrow morning. It’s time to get ruthless, some music is going to have to go to make room for more. You’d wonder how with an Ipod which has about 15GB of music I can still be bored.

I’ll miss my traveling companion. At the start, being a bit of a loner at times, I lamented the loss of my blog reading time, but I quickly came to love the chat and banter. While I will again be able to read all the things you guys write, I am really going to miss the company. It made the start and the end of the working day so much more bearable.

Periodically over the last month or so the changes to the WordPress platform have really been getting on my wick, but I refrained from saying anything as it’s a great platform, for which I am very grateful. Now though, I miss the Stats page, my notifications go a little awry, I have to multiple click to get to the old WP Dashboard and is there even any point in me voting that I prefer the older stuff if they are not going to change it. I know I am not the only one who feels like this though, so for once it’s good to be in a majority.

I’ve been having a bit of a clean up with regards to the blogs I follow. I finally got around to removing the ones that were no longer active. Periodically WordPress will still do it’s own cull for me, which is a pain in the arse as it’s usually blogs I want to keep following. I never was the kind of person to just follow someone because they followed me, I will only add if it’s something I actually want to read. It’s hard enough trying to keep up without just following people for the sake of it. Everyday I am being introduced to new ones, keep em coming.

Finally, Wee Blue Birdie, who is well worth a follow if you have not already. kindly put me forward for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award. Those who have followed for a while, will know that I long since stopped doing these kind of awards, however by way of compromise, I did agree to answer WBB’s questions. After finally sitting down to take a good look at them, I was all WTF have I let myself in for, but never one to back down from a challenge, here goes.

The Weird and Wonderful Questions of a Wee Blue Birdie

1. What kind of bird would you be and why? – Well that would have to be a Penguin. Why? just because. They are penguins ffs, they need no justification.

2. Which people of history had the best clothing? – It’s questions like this that make me wish I had studied History a little harder at school. I do have to say though, I liked the 80’s. I used to think I was all that with my white shirt, my pink tie and black beret. If I could go back in time, I’d slap myself senseless! Had I the figure for it, it would be the dresses from the Tudor period, all heaving bosoms and tight corsets. I mean who needs to breathe when your waist is the same size as your thigh.

3. In which film do you wish you had played the lead? What would you have brought to the role? – To be honest I wouldn’t want the lead. I’m more a behind the scenes kind of person. There are no specific roles I would have liked, anything in the Lord of The Rings trilogy would have been fine. I could probably have been an orc, without the use of any make up! What would I bring? Probably chaos.

4. What was your favourite toy when you were a child? – Again there is no one toy that I can remember being overly attached to. I was a lover of cuddly toys and I could have told you where every one came from. I have a Snoopy somewhere in the attic that I was quite fond of, will that do?

5. If you could be in the Olympics, what would your sport be? – Chasing men and trying to get them to kiss me, in a very non stalkerish way of course. Only joking, it would be the javelin, because 4 days out of 7 I already feel like spearing the shit out of things *smiles sweetly*.

6. If you could cure one human illness or disease, what would it be and why? – Aww that’s a hard one, there are so many horrible things out there, but I guess for me personally, it would have to be Cancer and Dementia, I think everyone knows the answer why without me having to explain.

7. What is your favourite urban myth, and why do you want it to be true? – Fairies. Can you imagine being able to go to the bottom of your garden to have a cup of magical tea with a fairy. One I would not want to be true is Banshee’s. One night while slightly tipsy, I stumbled into the house with an urgent need to use the bathroom. Feeling I would be unable to make it up the stairs in time, I used the downstairs one. Whilst in the act of lowering my underwear in order to sit, I heard this high pitch kind of wail. I raised the underwear and sort of stood mesmerized. Silence. Repeat process, and again, the same thing. I was petrified and thought a Banshee was coming for me. When sense set in, I realised it was the whirly washing line twirling in the wind. It’s true what they say, when the drinks in the wits out.

8. What is your favourite unusual word? – Oxter – which means armpits. There is something refreshingly satisfying about saying ‘feck aff, I’m up to me oxters!’. ‘Feck’, now that would be my absolute favourite.

9. How would you like your writing to influence the world, or affect those who read it? – That’s easy, I’d like it to make them smile. Simples.

10. What is the best thing about being you? – That’s a hard question to ask someone with low self confidence who always thinks their glass is half empty. My Family and friends, both in real life and online. They are without a doubt the best thing about being me.

There you go Wee Blue Birdie, just for you. I’m away to lie down, I’m worn out now!

Virtual Blog Tour

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A while back KiwiBee from Snap Thoughts kindly nominated me for the Virtual Blog Tour. I’m not normally a lover of awards or of nominating others for them because as a rule they are very time consuming and once the first flush of excitement passes, quite frankly sometimes they can be a pain in the ass. The fact that people visit here and oftentimes comment is reward enough for me. I read this one though and it’s something different, so I decided to give it a try. The hardest part, as with all these awards is knowing who to nominate, because I follow so many brilliant people. My hope would be, that as we all in someway interlock with each other, this will eventually make it’s way around us all.

The three rules of this tour are as follows:

1. Compose a one-time post which is posted on Monday (date will be given to you from whoever passes on the tour)

2. Answer four questions about your creative process which lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do.

  • What am I working on?
  • How does my work differ from others of its genre?
  • Why do I write/create what I do?
  • How does your writing/creating process work?

3. Pass the tour on to up to four other bloggers. Get their permission first, give them rules and a specific Monday to post.

So here goes:

What am I working on?

Right now I’m working on keeping my blogs afloat. I want to try and get back to the fun posts from before, because of late life has become quite intense and manic and somewhere in the middle of it all I lost myself.

Mental Mama from Mental in the Midwest and I also run the Cartoon Craziness Challenge, where each week people submit doodles / cartoons based around a given theme.

I have two blogs, this one and also The Misadventures of May Dupp. May is all the things that I am not, fabulous, fashionable, fiesty and confident. She is also totally fictional, which gives me another level of creativity that I don’t always have here. She also has her own Twitter account, where I can portray a level of confidence I wish I had, I mean I would never in a million years say something like this, not even in jest:

As easy as it sounds, though, assuming the identity of someone else and writing as them is harder than I thought, essentially I am a story teller, but I would have to say, not a very good one. With time I hope I can improve.

How does my work differ from others of it’s genre?

I’m not all together sure that it does. My intention would be to make people laugh, which would be the end goal for anyone who writes in that genre. Whether I succeed or not is a matter for those who read me, but I would like to think I have made each person laugh at least once. It’s hard though to be funny all the time, so seriousness has to creep in sometimes, but if a little humour can be injected into that as well, then that’s no bad thing.

Why do I write / create what I do?

I could say for others, but the truth is, it is every bit as much for me too. If I am going to be this stupid and ridiculous I might as well share it out, it would be nothing short of a crime to keep it all to myself. How will I ever know how many more eejits there are in this world of ours if I do not reach out to them. In just over a year I have found quite a few already and I love each and every one of them.

How does your writing / creating process work?

Occasionally I will take notes, but when I look back on them, they usually make no sense. Usually my process works like this:

  • I think of something.
  • I forget to write it down.
  • I’m all excited because I feel it is the best idea I have EVER had!
  • I get distracted.
  • I forget my idea.
  • I write about something completely different.
  • Repeat cycle.

I’m pretty sure I am not alone in that creative process and up until now the ‘Haphazard Method’ as it will now become affectionately known has served me quite well!

Over to you

I would like to nominate the following bloggers for a virtual blog tour on the 13th October 2014, I have not however asked their permission, because although I had this set in my calendar to give me plenty of warning to get things done, I forgot to check my calender….Doh!!

Like I said before I follow many blogs all of which are amazing in their own right, however my nominations are for people I feel are a different class of writer to me, as in I am coach, they are first, and I am genuinely interested in their thought processes:

Rob’s Surf Report

Write Up the Spine

A Prompt Reply

Jed’s Playhouse

Please also check out the blogs of the other eejits who comment here, there are many hidden gems among them you have yet to discover.

Thank you KiwiBee for your nomination, I actually enjoyed writing this post, but don’t tell anyone in case I get more nominations :)

Bonne Anniversaire!

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Dear WordPress,

Thank you for reminding me that today is my anniversary, well the anniversary of the creation of this blog. I had been thinking the date to remember was the 31st March, as that was the date of my first post, but no, you surprise me with a new little trophy informing me that today is the day.

I never imagined that I would still be here after 365 days, let alone have followers and over 20, 000 page views. I’m not renowned for sticking at things, I get bored easily and tend to leave projects unfinished. This became so much more than a project.

12 months ago I was The Geeky G4mer, writing about gaming,  Spam and the Joys of Modern Travel. Notifications received a reaction of unprecedented proportions.  Little did I know that the time, that those were from people who liked everyone and everything. Still though, I stuck at it, even when the only real life person liking my posts was Paul, he felt a strange kind of pity for me.

I was happy, but I didn’t feel comfortable. After playing around with the idea for a month or so, I made the decision to change the name of the blog to ‘The Indecisive Eejit’. I finally felt at home, and more people came to visit, but in the process of the changeover I lost some of the few people I had met at the start. Perhaps one day they will find me again.

I started to meet some amazing new people, who helped me to climb out of the black hole I seemed to have found myself in. The next few months brought laughter and enlightenment, hopefully I even provided a smidgen of both for others.

I loved the little place I had created, but sometimes I felt like giving up. On those days one or other of my new found friends always seemed to manage to lift and inspire me, making me want to stay just one more day. So far, according to you anyway, I have managed to hold on for 365. That is largely due to that colourful and vibrant mix of personalities here on WordPress. I have no idea what it was that lead them here to me, for it certainly wasn’t my writing skills, but I am thankful everyday that they came, saw and stayed.

So yes, whilst I may write (badly), draw ( atrociously) and comment (more dire than a big dire thing) I still have managed to find people who care, and couldn’t care less about my lack of skills.

I still have a lot to learn, both about writing and about myself. I need to let go of my inhibitions and write freely, but looking back to some of my very first posts, I can already see that I have changed, hopefully for the better.

So, Happy Anniversary to me, and thank you WordPress for being the place that allows me to be me, and sends me people who appreciate me just the way I am. You Rock!!

 

Juls

The Indecisive Eejit :)

 

 

 

A Lightbulb Moment!

I think WordPress had a little too much alcohol last night, because it doesn’t seem to be firing on all cylinders today. I’ve been catching up on my reading, but on most of the posts I read I was unable to ‘Like’ as the button constantly sat at loading. I’ve also noticed that likes and pictures numbers do not tally, so obviously something internally is a little askew. I am sure it will sort itself out.

followed-blog-200-1xThe first good news of the year happened last night at 3am when I went to bed, steady on you with the dirty mind, I meant I finally got my little 200 Likes badge from WordPress. See, for all those who doubted me it just proves that if you whinge, moan, beg and bride, you can get what you want! Thank you to all those who helped make it happen.

The second piece of news is that in just 105 more views I will have reached 20, 000. That’s quite a milestone and I would love to say that it’s all to do with my scintillating charm wit and personality. Sadly I think it’s more to do with the worlds shameless addiction to the game Candy Crush and the fact that I chose to write about it. None the less, I am still as happy as a big happy thing :)

The New Year and a chance conversation got me thinking about the things I want to achieve in 2014. Parts of the conversation centered around the fact that many of us wished things had been different in 2013 and in some cases that we had a life other than the one we were living. That one I could emphasise with.

Although I may not have the most exciting life, which in turn means I don’t have many exciting and wondrous tales to blog about, one thing I have been blessed with is a fairly active imagination. This last year, through various challenges I was drawn into the world of fiction, and I discovered I liked it. There is a certain freedom about being able to write exactly what you want under the guise of fiction and imagination. So I’ve had an idea, in fact I did so much thinking today my brain hurts.

My intention is to introduce another character to my blog, through whom I can vicariously live a life less ordinary. It will hopefully be humorous and entertaining. I did briefly toy with the idea of creating a second blog to undertake this adventure but I love you guys and know that you will all help and critique me if required. It’s only an idea at present, whether I can actually make it work is one thing, and how I integrate it with my blog is another.

So what do you think, good idea or bad? and have you any ideas of a name for my character, I am open to suggestions, in fact I would welcome them after my idea of Fanny Fictitious got shot down in flames.

Over to you…………

Looking back!

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Image by Joel Montes

Rob in response to a recent Daily Promt, wrote a piece entitled ‘Surfer Rob’s addiction to the analog blog‘.

It got me thinking, and as I later said to him in my second comment (because his blog ate my first one), I have little scraps of paper everywhere with bits of my life on them, books of poetry, most of which makes me cringe when I read it now and many many half started and then discarded diaries.

Before The Indecisive Eejit was born my best attempt at a blog had been one called ‘The Trouble With Me’. I started it just over 10 years ago when I was going through a difficult time.  It was an outlet, and very few people knew of it’s existence. At the time it helped, but as life changed and I got better I stopped updating it and eventually made the decision to close it altogether.

12th November 2002

~

As of right now things are not going to bad, I have just passed through a little phase in my life that I shall for ever after call my “episode”…….what that basically means is I lost myself for a few weeks…..I was smart enough to be able to realize though that something was not right and marched myself off to the doctor. My doctor is fantastic she has a very calming manner and just listens and regardless of her diagnosis at the end I left feeling better because I had shared some of my problems.

~

Basically I am fighting fit….but a little down in the dumps…..ok perhaps an easier way to describe it is mildly depressed…..my doctor applauds me because I am aware of what is happening and trying to rectify it….however should I not be able to pull myself out of the pit I am currently in……well then I have been advised to think about going on happy pills……or as I would rather not refer to them, anti depressants! Well I have to say it is amazing the difference being told you have to go on anti depressants makes, I got up at 6.30 am the next morning and scaled Ben Nevis with a smile on my face from bottom to top! NOT!!!!! Slight exaggeration on my part there but I did take my mates dog for a walk and grabbed some valuable me time and you know what it worked…I did feel better.

I never thought to keep a back up. All my poems were in books, or on scraps of paper. It was just the diary entries that were lost, or so I thought. Unbeknown to me Lee had kept copies on his computer as I had been using his hosting space and he was my chief web guru. A few years back he sent them all to me. I was delighted.

I went looking for them again the other night and located them on an old external drive which I had used to back up my previous PC.

It’s weird looking back 10 years and trying to remember why you wrote all the things you did. With my poetry I can still remember the reason behind every one, but with the writing it is not so easy. The saddest thing of all is reading the entries and realising very little has changed. It seemed that even then I suffered from anxiety, my worrying was a problem and I’ve been battling little bouts of depression ever since.

16th November 2002

~

I went and sat beside the sea today, it’s something I haven’t done, or maybe felt the need to do in a long time. I needed to try and clear my head of all the clutter that was inside it. I love the sea…especially in Winter, there is something calming about standing at the waters edge! You can scream as loud as you want but no one can hear you against the roar of the waves as they crash against the rocks. I must have looked a lonely figure standing there…..and that’s how I felt today, like I wanted to cut myself off from the rest of the world.

~

Sometimes I feel like I am 2 people, there is the Me I show to others…..the one who smiles and laughs and is game for anything. The one who is generally on an even keel but can sometimes be a right grumpy cow. Then there is the Me that only I know…..the quiet me, who thinks and worries about everything…analyzes everything and is totally paranoid. That’s the me who writes the poems and keeps the diaries….perhaps I feel a need to remind myself how I can be…and on really bad days remind myself how not to be.

~

Sometimes I wish I could get the two me’s together and sit them down with a nice cup of coffee, I would quiz them both on what they feel the trouble with me is….and ask them can they offer any solutions.

Given that I am now moving swiftly into middle age, pretty disgracefully it has to be said, it is unlikely that I will change now. I’ve been me for a long time. There are still be bits I don’t understand, and the chances are never will.

Would I change anything? Of course I would, because hindsight is a wonderful thing, but for the most part my friendships and relationships would remain the same. I’ve already established I can’t change me, so my thinking would have been the same, meaning that in all probability so would the outcome of each of them. One change I would make in this regard though, would be to not offer my heart so easily to be broken. I’m not sure it can be mended now, and besides if I can’t love myself, how will I ever allow anyone else to.

My Heart as an Apple

I have a heart,
it’s an open book,
show me affection,
I’ll give you a look.

~

Speak to me kindly,
treat me with care,
show me devotion,
and my heart I will share.

~

I was just like an apple,
with a shiny new skin,
you loved the feel of me,
but ignored the within.

~

Now I am wilting,
cause you want me no more,
the skin is still perfect,
but you devastated the core.

WordPress Family Award!

wordpress-family-award

I’m not a lover of awards, I’m kinda boring, so I run out of random facts about myself way to easily!

However today, Life Confusions was given her very first award (well done you!) and saw fit to share it with me as well. Had she not, she would have been one of my chosen nominee’s. Drop on over to her blog and say Hi!

I don’t have to answer questions and I don’t have to give random facts either, and better than that, it’s about something very close to my heart, it’s about recognizing people who you feel are a part of your very own WordPress family.

See this is where I am really lucky, because I have the best WordPress family ever!! Sadly I can only nominate ten. There are a couple of people who I have nominated for awards before and despite the fact they might be missed this time, they are still very important to both myself and my blog. Especially Lee and Paul, two of my best friends, they would hate me if I mentioned them on something that would give them work to do.

Here are the rules: 

1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your wordpress experience and family
4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them
5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people that have taken you as a friend, and spread the love.

I’ll do all of them except number 4, if you’ve been with me from the start you will know that when I get awards and pass them on by letting other people know, I usually get relegated to the trash area of the comment section by Akismet! Another fine example of why I don’t do awards. It took me weeks to climb back out and even longer to get the stale smell of food out of my hair!

I am pretty sure everyone I nominate will read this anyway, (see I told you they were awesome!) so it’ll be a nice surprise.

To each of the people nominated and the others I had to miss this time around, thank you so much for being here with me on my journey, for your words of encouragement and your faith in me that never waivers no matter how stupid or ridiculous I am. You are all the reason I keep updating and interacting. You’ve given me something to look forward to when the dishes are done and I sit down to enjoy what little time I get to myself before bed. On nights when things have been tough at home, someone has always been there to make me smile.

It means an awful lot, and I am extremely glad to have met each and every one of you!

I am proud to call you all members of my WordPress family!

In alphabetical oder (to avoid any fights, I know what you lot are like!!):

I also cheated, I chose eleven and not ten, but when you’re sharing the love I’m not sure anyone will mind too much!

Special mention also goes to Caramel Expresso, Janey Macken Street and The Office Inbetweener, Sean Smithson I gotta hide your posts sometimes when I read them on the train, but they don’t half make me laugh!

Now lets have a party!! I love this tune, it always makes me feel upbeat, so I dedicate it to you lot, because You are My (WordPress) World!