Previously on The Misadventures of May Dupp – Wicked Weekend Part One.
It was a good time for the firemen to show up, because I was definitely feeling hot hot hot. I’m not sure what the female version of testosterone is, but if it exists it was coursing through my veins, either that or my blood pressure was through the roof.
Onda, on seeing the starstruck look on my face had finally followed my gaze and was draped over the table practically drooling. Even Billy and Seamus had a look of awe about them.
No one seemed to know what event had brought the firemen to the Wicky Digit in the first place. Onda convinced they were strip-a-grams was at this point sidling across the bar clapping and shouting ‘off off off’. Knuckles was coming at them from a different angle, balling his fists and shouting ‘out out out’, clearly not amused that the object of his affection was diverting her attention elsewhere.
Knuckles: What are you boys here for?
Hot Fireman: We’ve had a report of a gas leak.
Knuckles: Well that’s kinda funny considering we don’t have any gas.
Hot Fireman: The smell is coming from the rear of the building.
Knuckles: That’s the toilet area. How do you know it’s gas?
Hot Fireman: A passerby reported an eggy smell coming through the open window. That could mean you have a leak.
Knuckles: But I just told you, we don’t have any gas.
It was at this point that old Joe at the bar started laughing so hard we all thought he was going to have a fit. Everyone turned their gaze in his direction waiting for him to calm down enough to be able to tell us exactly what it was that was so amusing.
Joe: That’s……no…..ahahaha…….gas leak.
Stepping forward to catch Joe just as he was about to pitch off his bar stool onto the floor Knuckles enquired what he was on about.
Joe: That’s probably Bert…..oh my sides.
Knuckles: Flat cap Bert?
Joe: The very same.
Knuckles: So yer telling me flat cap Bert is in the toilets sniffing gas?
Joe: No you dopey sod………
Joe again burst into a fit of laughing, that turned into wheezing, that turned into a fit of coughing. Too many years on the roll ups had rendered him incapable of continuing with his story.
Unsure what was going on and scared of missing something, the remaining patrons in the bar headed single file towards to toilet block. As we rounded the corner the smell hit us like a tidal wave and there was a collective “eughhh” from the gathering.
Knuckles being the first in line, basically because everyone had pushed him forward, turned to Onda who was next in line and told her to ask Sandy the bar man to turn on the toilet extractor fans. Onda, being inquisitive by nature asked why they had not already been on, and Knuckles informed her it was due to a possible fault with wiring, but to be sure not to let the firemen know that particular nugget of information.
Onda quite willingly I believe, left her place of second in line and headed towards the bar. A heated muffling could be heard and then she retraced her steps back towards Knuckles.
Knuckles: What did he say?
Onda: He’s not a bit happy about it, he asked if you knew what you were doing.
Knuckles: And how did you answer that one?
Onda: I said usually you haven’t a fecking clue but at the minute no one else has any other bright ideas.
Knuckles: Geez, thanks very much.
Onda: He also said on your own head be it. What the heck does he mean by that?
Suddenly out of nowhere came a noise like someone hacking at metal with a chainsaw. A few fizzes, bangs and pops were heard and next thing the we know, the Wicky Digit has been plunged into darkness.
Flat Cap Bert: What the f*ck is going on out there, what have you buggers done?
Knuckles: Keep calm Bert, the fire brigade are here, they think there might be a gas leak in the bathroom.
Flat Cap Bert: There’s a gas leak all right, my Beryl gave me duck eggs for breakfast this morning and I’d done nothing but fart ever since. You can tell your firemen there’s no danger, the only gas leaking in here is from my backside.
Everyone started to laugh, even the firemen, onto one of whom Onda was hanging for dear life citing a sudden fear of the dark.
Flat Cap Bert: I’ll be out in a jiffy, only some feckers turned the lights out so I’m going to have to light a match to see where the door is.
At this point everything seemed to go in slow motion as one of the Firemen started a run up to the toilet door, he was trying to shout something, but owing to the previously mentioned fact of the cinematic slow motion he was unable to finish his sentence. He had just spoken the words “tell him not to light a”………when there was a loud bang from the toilets……”match”.
Everything went silent, even Joe had stopped laughing. You could have heard a pin drop. No one wanted to be the first to enter the toilets to enquire after Berts wellbeing. Just as the merits of playing Rock, Paper, Scissors was being debated, the sound of shuffling footsteps could be heard approaching.
Knuckles: Bert, is that you?
Flat Cap Bert: Aye.
At that moment Bert rounded the corner, looking a little worse for wear. His normally dapper appearance had changed to disheveled and his hair was smoking and standing on end, clearly visible through the tattered remains of his flat cap. in fact he looked like he was going to break down and cry at any minute.
Knuckles: You ok Bert?
Flat Cap Bert: You know, the Mrs only gave me them eggs in an attempt to clear up me constipation, well it worked, cos I’ve just scared the shite clean outta myself.
All we could do was laugh.
The only drink taken in the pub that night was cups of tea, but the craic was mighty. Even Bert was laughing in the end, and we even had a whip round to get him a new cap.