When I don’t feel like myself I come here. It’s something I’ve always done, it’s like a sanctuary, somewhere to offload all the things that spin around in my head.

The fact that I have not been here doesn’t mean that things have been OK, they haven’t, but I have just not been able to muster the energy to write about them.

I’m not good. I’m not any worse than I have ever been, but I am certainly in a place I never wanted to revisit.

On the surface I exist, I can hold myself together so people don’t see the turmoil inside, but occasionally it spills over and I can’t stop the tears or that crushing feeling of loss and frustration.

This isn’t new. I’ve been here many times and I will get through this one just like I did with all the others. There is always light in the darkness.

Last week someone stepped in front of a train and I remembered six years ago when I contemplated doing the same thing, that decision to either step forward or step back. I stepped back, I hope I always do. I sent myself back to counselling and was picked up and put back onto the right path for a second time.

This time I wondered what it would be like to live a life with no worry, no anxiety and no responsibilities, but I thought about the smell of fresh cut grass, raindrops on spider webs and a bright full moon that ushers us through the night into a new day.

This feeling will not last forever, I can’t allow it too, but I am tired, tired of pretending I am OK when I am not and painting a smile over a frown.

I am tired being everything to everyone else and being nothing for myself. The expectation that I will be there and do, that I will be the fixer, that I will just carry on. It’s hard, because I am not the same person I was and I am tired. I wake up each day and wonder how I will carry on, but I drag myself out of bed and I do.

Tomorrow is another day, and after that there will be another one. Not every day will be a good day and not  every day will be a bad one either.

One day at a time is a good start, or sometimes it’s just one step at a time. To keep going is enough.

I am enough.

Keep looking for the light in the dark.