There have been a lot of posts lately in relation to body size and shape and peoples perception of them. It got me thinking, so to stop my brain hurting I am going to have to write about it.
No two people are the same, even if the old myth is correct and somewhere out there we have a doppelganger, it’s unlikely they will be an exact replica. We are unique in all aspects of everything we are and do.
I am not ashamed to stand up and say I am self conscious, I have always been that way. I feel awkward in social situations where I do not know people, although if you saw me you would not think this the case.
For years I struggled with weight, my ‘puppy fat’ never disappeared, much to my Mothers disappointment. Clothes shopping was a nightmare and she regularly made her feelings known. I was weighed on a Saturday morning, sometimes skipping meals to ensure I had at least lost something. It was all done with the best intentions, but it had a detrimental effect.
Eventually I did lose weight, and for a reason that everyone told me was the wrong one. I split from the guy I was seeing and in an effort to show him what he was missing, I dropped around 3 stone. I don’t think he noticed, but I certainly felt healthier.
The strangest thing was though, that I didn’t really feel any better about myself. I suppose in my head I thought that weight loss was the key to an instant self confidence boost, it wasn’t. I was exactly the same person, only clad in smaller clothes.
Over the years I would find myself in situations where looks mattered, and my face didn’t fit. It hurts, in fact it hurts like hell, but you pick yourself up and you carry on. Despite the fact that people tell you ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ your brain screams, of course it’s you, are you stupid!
I would like to think that I am a good person, of course I am prone to bad days and bitchy days, but isn’t everyone. I hope that I have enough personality to get me through, making people laugh is a good diversionary tactic that genuinely gives me pleasure. Yet still I second guess myself and everything I do. I feel that nothing is ever good enough, I find praise hard to take and failure even harder. In essence, I am my own worst enemy.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do not see myself as others do. I remember having a conversation once with a young girl of about 18, who was discussing her own issues with self consciousness. I remember feeling incredulous at the time, she was tall, thin and drop dead gorgeous, and I was thinking what right does she have to feel that way, look at me. As I aged, I realised that it can affect anyone, because it is not about how others view us, it’s about how we view ourselves.
I have a friend on here and every day I want to tell her that she is perfect just as she is, but that’s a little hypocritical of me, considering I do not practice what I preach.
As I commented this morning, I know I have to change the shape of my body, but I also have to change my own perception of myself, because if I don’t, regardless of how much I weigh, I will always feel the same.
You do hope that people will see past the exterior and look on the inside, but the truth of the matter is, if you cannot love yourself, how will you ever let anyone else. Perhaps just once a day I should close my eyes and see myself as others do, accept compliments gracefully regardless of how uncomfortable I feel and start the process of change, because there is no one else on this earth that can do it for me. :)
S – Even though you cannot see it, you are amazing and perfect just as you. You’re funny, witty, sassy and above all one of the most kind hearted people I know. Accept this compliment, and repeat it to yourself at least once a day!