What if your hometown is attacked by a monstrous, flying, fire-breathing dragon?
Do you run and hide? Do you break out the medieval weapons you’ve been hoarding for just this moment? or Do you try to calm the beast by singing it a lullaby?
Seriously?! I mean come on, what kind of a stupid question is that…obviously the answer is that I would run round and round in circles squealing like a banshee, flapping my arms, tears a streaming and most likely leaving skid marks….and I don’t mean on the road either. What the feck else is there to do if your hometown is being attacked by a fire breathing dragon, stop and say hello?
Ach hiya Fred, long time no see. Hot out tonight isn’t it. Any chance of you sitting still there for 5 minutes till I toast this marshmallow?
One singed arse and a set of singed eyebrows later I’m guessing the answer is no!
That said, whilst pondering this momentous, monstrous happening over a cup of coffee I started to realise there are ways this could be turned to my advantage.
So I’m figuring that the dragon will need to take a flying charge at me. In order to do this, if I am to believe all the films I have watched, said dragon will fly in a semi circle, huff, puff and prepare for world incineration. So my
delusion….erm conclusion would be that as the dragon approaches, opening it’s mouth, I have a 30 second window in which to throw all the rubbish from my house that I no longer want , but have not yet been able to transport to the dump, into it’s path. Even better, I concluded that throwing a couple of fireworks into the middle of the rubbish would make the affair a little more exciting for everyone. Instant street party, fancy dress, come as a kebab attire optional!
I reckon I’d be so famous that I would have to write all about my exploits that day, luckily I already have a title in mind for my forthcoming autobiography, it’s “The Day I Got My Buttcheeks Burnt”. I figure I’ll get myself a T shirt printed as well.
Sure my ass hurts, but I mean weighing up the options which would you choose, sitting in a rubber ring all day or being awarded an ‘ODE’ by the Queen. And no ya feckin eejits, the Queen didn’t write me a poem, ODE stands for ‘Order of the Dragon Empire’.
Mind you, this sitting in a rubber ring malarky could add many new chapters to the whole Joys of Modern travel thing I have going on right now.
Anyway, I am much to important to talk to you all anymore, if you need any further information I suggest you buy the book. When you go to the store to purchase it, tell them I sent you and with a bit of luck they will give you one with writing inside!
Blank book cover picture by Babybird-Stock on Deviant Art