Feeling Strange

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

Weekend Wonderings

I seem to go through little periods of thinking. I shouldn’t think, it’s bad for me.

Every now and then I will question my need for this blog or where I fit into the so called blogsphere. I don’t have a niche as such, I’m more a bits and pieces of everything.

When starting I suppose my intention was to be a humour blog, but then life changed and all the humour kinda got sucked out of it and me. I’d still like to think I am marginally funny, or at least working my way back to that point. But as a wise man once said, self praise is no recommendation.

I think I have changed since I started writing way back in 2013, I’m not sure if it is for the better. Somewhere along the line while looking for someone to adult I realised that it was actually me, I was supposed to be the adult, well that was a steep learning curve I tell ya. Someone needs to write one of those yellow books entitled ‘The Idiots Guide to Adulting’. I could certainly have made use of it.

I did grow up, I dealt with seriously injuring my leg, which led to my first ever surgery, followed by becoming  a carer, followed by perhaps a little depression and a whole host of anxiety from these past events. Through counselling I realised I was an introvert and that I more than likely have mild social anxiety issues. People keep telling me I need to push through and force myself to do more, but for me that’s like standing at the edge of a boiling cauldron with everyone urging me to jump. Why can it not be enough for people that I am trying!

What does that mean for this blog, does it mean that I have outgrown it and is it time to give up and move on, or does it mean that I just let it evolve with me and see where the journey takes us both.

I want people to read what I write because they are genuinely interested in what I have to say. But I also want them to understand that I am geeky and awkward and not always sure of how to reply to the awesome comments that are left.  I want to write whatever my wonky little brain desires without people worrying I am going to fall off the edge of the earth.

I’ve been enjoying doing some of the fiction challenges, they make me think, but in a good way. They challenge me to hone my writing skills and they give me something else to focus on other than the inside of this rut I seem to find myself in.

When do you realise that enough is enough? When do you realise that it is time to move on, or when do you stop building barriers for yourself and just get on with the job at hand. I tell myself that likes and follows don’t matter and I mean that, but the interaction does. I love this community and I would miss it.

So I stay, but I don’t really evolve. I wonder if six months down the line people would even remember who I was. Perhaps they would say, you must remember her, you know, the weird girl from Ireland with the ginger hair. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t find that offensive, I quite like being weird :)

Perhaps one day I will eventually figure out who I am. Then I can figure out what here is. And we can all live happily ever after.

Until then I guess I just continue to be happy, be weird and be an eejit!

It’s going to be one of those days…

 

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No matter how tired I am this weather I can never seem to get enough sleep. Granted, part of that is my own fault, I’m a bit of a night owl, but when I have the opportunity to sleep a little longer in the mornings it never happens and it’s extremely frustrating!

So here I sit with a banging headache, the next door neighbours dog is having a noisy showdown with the cockerel, as in one is chasing the shadows of birds and the other is trying to call for them. There is housework to be done and people to be fed and I just can’t be arsed doing any of it, no point in sugar coating how I feel, lack of sleep clearly makes me a cow.

I’ve missed not writing and reading blogs, but there has just been no time. It’s something I am going to have to rectify, because honestly, sometimes in the middle of everything that goes on I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

This last couple of weeks have been challenging, and it’s a stark reminder that things are going to get worse instead of better. Don’t get me wrong, the Fathership and I face each situation we come across, usually successfully, but it’s mentally and physically draining sometimes. It would be nice to think that in the midst of everything life would stop and give you a break when the shit hits the fan, but it doesn’t, so you have to deal with all these things whilst dealing with life too, which can be complicated enough on its own sometimes.

I’m sick of trying to explain to people what it’s like, or make excuses for the way I live my life or do things the way I do. I appreciate that most people mean well when they say, you just have to get up and do it (when referring to going out), but real life just doesn’t work that way and perhaps if they walked a couple of weeks in my shoes they would realise that. I mean would you get up and leave a two year old child and go to dinner without putting any preparation in place, because that’s what dealing with someone with dementia is like. Any deviations from the normal routine or changes to schedules can have disastrous effects and invoke meltdowns of epic proportions. Sometimes you have to weigh up the pros and cons and ask yourself is it worth having one night of fun to endure 6 nights of torture. When you’re already at the end of your rope and trying to hang on, then answer to that is no.

I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past couple of weeks, but on the rare chances I had to sit down I had nothing to say, because all of this was rattling around in my wonky top box and I couldn’t figure out if here was the platform for it, this is after all meant to be a humour blog. Although I suppose I do try to put my usual slight comedic spin on things. Both the Fathership and I agree on one thing, if we didn’t laugh we’d cry.

I suppose in the end, the conclusion I came to was this, it’s my blog, I can write what I want, and it is definitely better writing about these things to get them off my chest rather than keeping them bottled up. I have however (if I can figure it out) turned off the comments on this post. I don’t want sympathy, that’s not why I write, there are people in the world dealing with much worse things. I just need to expel my ramblings into the ether.

Trust me, it’s good to talk – even if it is just to yourself!

Love you all :)

 

 

The Future Challenge

Loopy Future]

Ok so the fact that I have done a few challenges does not mean I am fair game for offers of more. I am still not a fan, half times I don’t even get time to do my own. Occasionally though I will complete one and this one placed before me by Edwina from Edwina’s Episodes is one I shall attempt because she’s lovely and always very supportive of me. It’s the start of the post and I have not yet decided if I will inflict the pain on anyone else yet. Probably not, I am scared of repercussions.

The Rules: 

  • Thank the blogger who nominated you.
  • Link back to the challenge creator, Dreams and Movie Screens so she can track your progress – Done.
  • Share 5 things about your future (jobs, kids, marriage, travel etc). Then one day you can look back and find out how psychic you really are.
  • Tag 5 bloggers and put them up to the challenge.

Thank you Edwina, mumble mumble groan groan and all that malarky, you probably thought I hadn’t read the post, but I had, it’s just taken me this long to get around to it. It’s a good job I like you young lady! :)

My Future

When I first read this nearly two weeks ago I had no idea how I was going to answer. Present life these days is not so great, the ups and downs of looking after someone with dementia can prove challenging, so when I think of the future I am quite honestly filled with dread. To wish for easier days is pretty much pointless as there is no cure as yet for this horrible disease. so what do I write, let me see:

  • To feel confident in my job – One day, I would like to be able to deal with the challenges that work throws at me without fluttering towards the ceiling every time the shit hits the fan. A year on and I still feel like the new girl, but I suppose in part that is because the job itself is always changing. Every time I turn around they are giving me something else to do.
  • To wean myself off peanut M&M’s so that hopefully one day I will lose some weight and take much needed pressure of my poor knees. Getting a new bra might help with that too, you have no idea how much things sag when you get older :)
  • To perhaps get a tattoo – I have no idea what, where or when or even if ever, but it’s something I keep mulling over. It will be interesting to find out if my future self grows a set of balls.
  • To keep entertaining people. I’ve struggled with blogging this last while and spoke to someone with similar feelings yesterday. I’ve wondered at times over the last few weeks if this is even something I want to continue, but it is, so I hope that The Indecisive Eejit or something similar exists in my future.
  • To be financially stable. If only I had told myself that many years ago :)

I hate passing on challenges as I know everyone is as busy as me, however on this occasion I am going to pass it on to one person, because over the last couple of months she has already made changes and I am genuinely interested to see what she thinks might be in her future, don’t hate me Bipolar Calico, over to you!

Predictive priorities

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Only yesterday I was rejoicing the fact that everyday this week the trains free WiFi has worked allowing me the opportunity to read and actually like posts on Bloglovin. I opened my mouth too soon, because today it has betrayed me. On the only journey of the week where I do not have to change trains, its has decided not to function. Bollocks!

I love the fact that on most days I am able to keep up with the outside world, but I am similarly horrified at how the predictive text or autocorrect on my phone seems to think I speak.

It has this knack, smart little bugger that it is, of changing simple words, that while it may only be one letter, add a different context to a whole sentence. Instead of being ‘on’ the loo, I am ‘in’ the loo. I know you’re wondering how I was even able to type from such a small bowl in the first place!

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My friend randomly found this picture on the internet during the week and enquired if it was me. Umm yes it is, apparently my arse is a star, how could she not have known. Actually, maybe I’m just an arse!

This past few days I have actually had enough time to comment on a few posts. Like myself, not everyone is able to reply right there and then, so sometimes I need to remind myself of what I said. It’s usually at this point that overuse of the term ‘FFS’ occurs as I look with horror at how my comments have turned out. I would be first in line to petition for a way to edit my comments on someone else’s blog, not just my own.

Clearly as I type away with merry abandon I do not pay enough attention to the fact that my phone is also merrily typing its own version of my words. Those of you who read my comments must think I’m stupid….I am, but not as much as my phone would lead you to believe. Take that look off your face, I’m being serious.

So forgive me readers, for many times I have sinned against Saint Grammar, but in my defence regardless of whether it was my fault or not, I’m blaming the phone.

In the words of the almighty Bart Simpson, “I didn’t do it, no one saw me do it, you can’t prove anything!”

Oh gee I can’t use an E!

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Some time ago the lovely Edwina who has episodes, again (bad girl) set me a challenge, which I am only now getting around to. I  must write a paragraph without using the letter E. The actual official rules are as follows:

  1. Write a whole paragraph (a paragraph sounds easy right?)
  2. Without any word containing the letter “e” (still easy for ya?)
  3. By reading this you are already signed up.
  4. Challenge at least five bloggers to do the challenge.

Here after much thought is my effort:

This is hard! Most words contain it, but I must think of how to avoid it showing. I’m having to think hard and wrack my slow top box to skirt around it. Is this a paragraph? I pray it is,  for if not I am stuck. I want to run, far away from this string of words. I would whoop, but I will finish with a shush….and go watch tv! 

I am not going to nominate anyone, but this was fun, so if you would like to give it a try please feel free.

(I swear e’s kept slipping into my paragraph, if you see one, don’t tell me, I’ll be devastated lol)

Is Summer coming?

Everyone is all a dither, there have been strange sightings in the sky, some say it is sunshine, but others disbelieve due to the fact that it has not been seen on the Emerald Isle for some time. I’m warm and itchy and generally uncomfortable in my clothing, so I think for me, that signals it’s at least getting warmer. Don’t worry though, I have no intention of stripping off and running through the bluebells. Poor, poor bluebells.

Last night I put my phone on to charge, which would have been great if only I had remembered to turn on the plug…..doh!! I went to work and due to the fact that it was busy all day, I never even got to plug it in. Fast forward a few hours and I am sitting on the train at the start of my journey home, ready to have a few hands of Yahtzee and catch up on blog reading and bam, there’s only a slither of battery power left. When travelling by NIR, you always need to think ahead, at any time there could be a train failure, or leaves on the line, and without a mobile phone, how would I ever be able to inform the Fathership of my late arrival.

Weighing up all these options in my head, I decided it best not to use the phone and instead opted for the Ipod Touch. Whilst virtually redundant now for most things, it still plays music, and plays it rather well might I add.  I listen to tunes sometimes whilst working on my computer, rarely however when I am blogging as I find it distracts my thoughts, but today, between the music and the sunshine, the thoughts were coming thick and fast. Snippets of poems like the old days, adventures for May and perhaps even for Polly Carmichael who I have not written about in a while.

I had no paper.

I had a pen, but no paper.

I had no phone, the mere slither of battery power left rendering it almost useless to write a post with.

I had a redundant Ipod touch, great music, no WordPress.

Bollocks.

I came home and I’ve got nothing. All my great ideas disappeared like the sun!

Some break that was!

I’m writing this on the train, its literally the first free time I’ve had to commit to any writing in about the last two weeks.

Easter break turned out not to be a break, there were so many things to fit into the couple of days off from work, one of which included going to work. I think I’m probably more tired now than before I started, and my heads still not above water.

I wonder sometimes just how much information the human brain, more specifically my little brain can hold before it goes ok lass, enough is enough. Sometimes it feels like there are just not enough hours in the day.

So it’s back to work today and I dread what’s in front of me, albeit the extra day I had to fit in will hopefully give me a little leeway. Here’s hoping anyway.

I never did manage to get around to doing my piece for the Okay, What if? Challenge, although I’m hoping I can still fit that in somewhere. I haven’t forgotten by the way, a new challenge will be up soon.

Its been nice to see better weather, sunshine certainly energises and makes a lot of things seem more possible. The daffodils are starting to bloom and the smell of freshly mowed lawns permeates the air signalling the return to hay fever season for some. Sadly it also means the start of the dreaded prickly heat that stings and reddens my hands, yay for allergies, gotta love them.

I wish I’d taken the whole week off, a chance to play catch up and get other things ticked off the list, but hindsight as they say is a wonderful thing.

I’m still trying to read all the little posts that have stacked up in my Bloglovin, but the sheer quantity is making it difficult, that coupled with the train WiFi that seems to work for everyone else but me, well I think you get the picture.

That said, I hope you have all been well and enjoyed your Easter. I would promise a return to normality, but I no longer know what that is, so let’s just go with I’ll see you when I see you.

I did miss you all though!

(Ignore spelling and punctuation mistakes, it’s not as easy typing on a moving train as the adverts and posters would have you believe, I’ve smacked myself up the face with the phone three timed so far)

Keeping you up to date…….

I know you have all been wondering where I have been…..you have right!? Well the truth is I haven’t been anywhere, now that’ll be a shock to those of you who regularly read my blog, me having such a fantastic social life and all……not!!

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Image from Silver Diner – not my dinner table….sadly!

Actually that’s a lie, I did go out for tea last week with the friend who sends the texts  that make me smile and it was great fun, I ordered a burger that when it arrived I had no idea whether to climb it or eat it. I decided on the latter and it was bloody good! Hopefully I’ll go again, if I am asked that is.

I realised something this week, and it is something of great importance….you lot write too fecking much. The amount of unread posts in my Bloglovin never seems to go below 70, WTF….where do you all get the time. I’ve reached the stage of reading and not liking (by pressing the button that is), but even that is not making a dent in the list. So take a deep breath, relax have a cup of coffee and slow the feck down will ya!

Thank you and welcome to all my new followers, and thank you for sticking around to all the old ones. Even little Miss May has had a few new ones which is why I have finally stopped reblogging her posts. It’s time to see if she can stand on her own two Louis Buttons.

I’ve been loving the new Alt-J album, This is all yours . It’s been on constant repeat on my music player. That said, Steve from Now this is what I would call music, also introduced me to Sia’s new album. I’ve already had some of her music, but the tune ‘Fair Game’ has also become a firm favourite this week. Considering Steve was also the one who introduced me to the song ‘Moving on’ by James which you can listen to on my Music Bubble page, then I would say his site is well worth checking out.

Well that’s about it from me, what’s been happening with you lot?

Virtual Blog Tour

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A while back KiwiBee from Snap Thoughts kindly nominated me for the Virtual Blog Tour. I’m not normally a lover of awards or of nominating others for them because as a rule they are very time consuming and once the first flush of excitement passes, quite frankly sometimes they can be a pain in the ass. The fact that people visit here and oftentimes comment is reward enough for me. I read this one though and it’s something different, so I decided to give it a try. The hardest part, as with all these awards is knowing who to nominate, because I follow so many brilliant people. My hope would be, that as we all in someway interlock with each other, this will eventually make it’s way around us all.

The three rules of this tour are as follows:

1. Compose a one-time post which is posted on Monday (date will be given to you from whoever passes on the tour)

2. Answer four questions about your creative process which lets other bloggers and visitors know what inspires you to do what you do.

  • What am I working on?
  • How does my work differ from others of its genre?
  • Why do I write/create what I do?
  • How does your writing/creating process work?

3. Pass the tour on to up to four other bloggers. Get their permission first, give them rules and a specific Monday to post.

So here goes:

What am I working on?

Right now I’m working on keeping my blogs afloat. I want to try and get back to the fun posts from before, because of late life has become quite intense and manic and somewhere in the middle of it all I lost myself.

Mental Mama from Mental in the Midwest and I also run the Cartoon Craziness Challenge, where each week people submit doodles / cartoons based around a given theme.

I have two blogs, this one and also The Misadventures of May Dupp. May is all the things that I am not, fabulous, fashionable, fiesty and confident. She is also totally fictional, which gives me another level of creativity that I don’t always have here. She also has her own Twitter account, where I can portray a level of confidence I wish I had, I mean I would never in a million years say something like this, not even in jest:

As easy as it sounds, though, assuming the identity of someone else and writing as them is harder than I thought, essentially I am a story teller, but I would have to say, not a very good one. With time I hope I can improve.

How does my work differ from others of it’s genre?

I’m not all together sure that it does. My intention would be to make people laugh, which would be the end goal for anyone who writes in that genre. Whether I succeed or not is a matter for those who read me, but I would like to think I have made each person laugh at least once. It’s hard though to be funny all the time, so seriousness has to creep in sometimes, but if a little humour can be injected into that as well, then that’s no bad thing.

Why do I write / create what I do?

I could say for others, but the truth is, it is every bit as much for me too. If I am going to be this stupid and ridiculous I might as well share it out, it would be nothing short of a crime to keep it all to myself. How will I ever know how many more eejits there are in this world of ours if I do not reach out to them. In just over a year I have found quite a few already and I love each and every one of them.

How does your writing / creating process work?

Occasionally I will take notes, but when I look back on them, they usually make no sense. Usually my process works like this:

  • I think of something.
  • I forget to write it down.
  • I’m all excited because I feel it is the best idea I have EVER had!
  • I get distracted.
  • I forget my idea.
  • I write about something completely different.
  • Repeat cycle.

I’m pretty sure I am not alone in that creative process and up until now the ‘Haphazard Method’ as it will now become affectionately known has served me quite well!

Over to you

I would like to nominate the following bloggers for a virtual blog tour on the 13th October 2014, I have not however asked their permission, because although I had this set in my calendar to give me plenty of warning to get things done, I forgot to check my calender….Doh!!

Like I said before I follow many blogs all of which are amazing in their own right, however my nominations are for people I feel are a different class of writer to me, as in I am coach, they are first, and I am genuinely interested in their thought processes:

Rob’s Surf Report

Write Up the Spine

A Prompt Reply

Jed’s Playhouse

Please also check out the blogs of the other eejits who comment here, there are many hidden gems among them you have yet to discover.

Thank you KiwiBee for your nomination, I actually enjoyed writing this post, but don’t tell anyone in case I get more nominations :)