reading – The Indecisive Eejit

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I hardly ever read my Stats anymore, I mean come on, when I don’t post as often as I used to what do I expect. It long ceased being about the views etc for me, as I’ve said many times before, it’s now all about the community.

I’ve been absent on and off a lot this year, Here There Be Spiders touched loosely on this in one of her comments to me saying “I know when I get overwhelmed the blog is one of the first things to suffer – but when I do post, it helps so much!” She is 100% correct in what she says, I am exactly the same way, it’s just one more thing to have to deal with, so it gets pushed to the bottom of the list.

The other night I was wrought with anxiety, so much so it was making me feel sick, what can I say, it’s a been a rocky few weeks in the Eejit household, with more to come. One thing I am learning about Dementia is that it cannot be trusted, it’s a sneaky little fecker. Never, ever think that your day is going ok, because when you do and your guard is down, the little git sucker punches you. Anyway, back to my story. I paced the train platform, finally boarding when it arrived, and sat down for the beginning of my journey home. I flicked up the reader, something I hadn’t done in a while. With every post I read I felt my anxiety lift just a little, because reading about the goings on of everyone else took my mind off my own. I realised then how much I missed it, the blogging, the interaction, everything, it was like someone had give me a hug.

So I know you think I’m getting off course here, seeing as how I started this post about my blogs Statistical endeavors. I, like everyone else received the WordPress e-mail about my progress in 2015. Out of everything, the only thing that stood out to me was the fact that I had only written 88 posts throughout the whole of the year. To me, that’s a clear indication of my dwindling free time.

Here’s how it stacks up:

2013 – Birth year (March 2013) – 201 published posts -granted they were mostly shite, but still, not a bad effort.

2014 – 163 published posts – there may have been some readable ones in there if I was lucky.

2015 – 88 – That’s shocking, although perhaps I can console myself with the fact that it was more about quality than quantity? That’s my excuse anyway.

I’m still not going to make resolutions, seriously, I suck at those, but I know for certain I’m going to try really hard to write more than 88 posts this year. I’m going to be really forward thinking and try for 89, anything after that is a bonus!

I need to try and be a little more organised and perhaps make more use of the drafts and scheduler so that I can hide away little posts for the days when my brain is mush. I need to try and read more, interact more and just be here more. Not because I think you lot can’t live without me, but because I don’t think I can live without you.

As usual I am making no promises, I have long ago given up trying to figure out what this life has in store for me. I just have to keep on keeping on like everyone else.

I’ll keep being me if you promise to keep being you. ‘Stats’ all anyone can ask of us :)

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So I think I finally figured out what it is that has been bugging me and stalling my activity on the blog just a little. I feel guilty, go figure!

Anyone who knows me in real life can vouch for the fact I am a worrier. In fact it is one of the things I am well known for. At Christmas even the Fathership turned traitor and wrote in my card that he wished me a worry free 2014, we laughed about it afterwards because he realised that statement was a stupid as I did.

I worry about everything, and I mean e v e r y t h i n g. I am though, getting better at trying to use coping strategies. They don’t always work, but for the 10 minutes I try, it at least focuses my mind on something else.

I care a lot about what people think of me, I know I shouldn’t, because I don’t need approval from anyone else, but for some reason I still do. I would guess that deep down most of us are the same.

Throughout my time here, I have been amazed at the support I have received from others. There have been people who have been with me every step of the way, commenting on almost every post I have written. Of late, for one reason or another I have not had the same time to read, comment on and write posts. I have still been reading, but it’s usually a quick 5 minutes here or there when I can grab the time, meaning comments fall by the wayside. I still try to like everything I have read and erm liked, assuming WP is working correctly, the like button has been a little temperamental of late.

Commenting, when I do have the time, still causes me issues. I know you might find it hard to believe, but, sometimes I am at a complete loss for words, so rather than make an ass of myself I say nothing at all. It does’t mean I like you or your post any less, it’s usually just that I am dumbstruck / awestruck or have nothing further to add to what you or your commenter’s have already said. The other reason is that I consider you to be smarter than the average bear, well this one anyway. In fact that accounts for pretty much 100% of the blogs I follow. Damn all you smart people!

So in an effort to help myself feel a little less guilty and to ease some of the worry I am writing this post by way of explanation and apology.

I am very grateful to every follower I have, and to every blog I follow for keeping me entertained. I am sorry that right now I can’t get to like and comment on everything, but you have to believe that I really wish I could. I don’t want anyone to ever think I am just not bothering, because that’s not the case. The truth is, I would be lost without all of you. You’re like my very own Newspaper, providing gossip, drama, comedy, cartoons, fortune telling via a Music Quiz and something far better than Dear Dierdre ever was in the shape of Mr Smithson. Anyone want to volunteer for Mr Page 3??

There are so many challenges I would also like to do, but time just gets away from me. I try to squeeze in as many as I can.

My worrying self knows realistically that no one probably notices or cares whether or not I do challenges, comment, like or read and that right now you are probably shaking your head and thinking what on earth is that stupid cow on about now, and you’d be right, but it was worrying me, so I had to get it out there, to get over it.

All these things are important to me, as are all of you, and I just needed to remind you of that!