Beating (the crap out of) the blues!

 

Beat the Blues

I sat down to write, honest I did. It’s just that nothing would formulate in there, taps brain. I started to tinker instead, cleared up the blogs I follow,  made some changes in Bloglovin and got caught up on some reading. It’s hard to believe how many posts can amass in such a short space of time. The weight of it sits heavy on my shoulders sometimes, even after all this time it still manifests itself as guilt.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me this weather, I feel like I need to give myself a good shake, but believe me, that’s a lot easier than it sounds. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about where I would have been if I had not made some of the choices I did. I wake up every morning, ragged from restless sleep and for a few moments I forget what life is like and then it all comes crashing in and I feel swamped with that feeling of helplessness, scared to go downstairs because I am not entirely sure what to expect when I get there. Sometimes it feels like life just gets a little too big. I am a small hamster on a big wheel, running, but getting nowhere.

I can’t seem to settle either, I always feel restless. When I finally sit I feel like I should be up and about doing something else, making the most of my time, but that’s the problem it is MY time, and there is very little of it, I don’t need to have it peppered with feelings of guilt.

I went out the other day with my friends, I’ve not seen them for almost 2 months and we made the decision to go on a road trip. I was looking forward to it and especially to having a day away. In order to do anything at all however, plans have to be put in place to make sure the ships are fed, tablets are left out and everyone knows the routine. It often feels like it’s more hassle than it’s worth. On the morning in question I came down to make some breakfast and finish preparing the food I was leaving for their tea, only to be greeted with tears and things like ‘Oh I like it there’ and ‘I’d love to go there’ as if she never gets taken anywhere. The sad thing is the Mothership has a more active social life than I do. She seems to forget that not less than two weeks ago the Fathership took her in the same direction as I was heading and she threw a wobbler and ruined both her day and his, refusing to eat and just generally being obstructive. It was a shit start to the day, but thankfully my friends rallied me round and a great day was had by all.

I miss me. I feel like everything I write these days is negative. In reality I know it isn’t as I need an outlet for release, but there used to be so much more and now it feels like there isn’t anything other than work and home life and GTA of course, there is always GTA!

I know things will settle down again. It’s been a very up and down few weeks what with various appointments and eye Ops etc. We’ve been skirting around our normal routine and that pretty much upsets the apple cart. The longer hours in work are not helping either, but right now that is not something that I can change.

Please don’t offer me sympathy, I don’t need it, what I do need is a good kick up the arse, so feel free to administer one of those. The wearing of hob nailed boots however is prohibited!

I’ve followed a couple of blogs lately as I have liked some of the pieces others I follow have written for their prompts. I might give them a go sometime myself, I miss writing fiction. If you know of any other good ones let me know. I know too, that it has been a while since I put a new prompt on Okay, What If?, so if you have any ideas let me know, the question can be anything.

I know I’ve said it before, but hopefully one of these days I will get myself into a bit of a better routine, I shall make no promises, then I cannot be held accountable. I was thinking however that it has been a while since I let May out of her box, heaven help us all!!

Till next time Eejits :)

In the Dark!

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Turn the fecking lights on, it’s dark in here!

Sometimes you want to write about things, other times you want to just bury your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. I sort of adopted a half and half approach to this particular funk, I didn’t want to write about it, but there was too much going on for me to walk to the beach to bury my head in the sand, so I stayed quiet and hoped it would disappear.

Sometimes I get cross and need to vent, you have no doubt experienced a few on here if you are a regular follower. Usually though when I get the funk I won’t write at all, mainly because I don’t like sympathy or comments. It’s hard to be funny all the time,  and it’s hard to maintain a smile for 8 hours a day when the reality is you just want to beat someone senseless with your shoe. For explanation purposes, I picked a shoe because beating someone with your handbag is such an old lady thing to do and I am feeling old enough as it is!

I’ve been so tired,  a combination of too many late nights, a more stressful job and an increased workload in the house. I find myself nodding off in the chair when I finally get to sit in it, which in turn makes me fall out with myself. I hate the idea of wasting the couple of precious hours I get to do my own things, like blogging, falling asleep in a chair.

I hadn’t had a day off for 6 weeks (excluding the weekends of course) so I booked a days leave on Friday because basically my hair looked like I had been playing with balloons and static electricity, I kid you not, it was so wild I half expected to find birds nesting in there. From the moment I stepped downstairs on Friday morning, the Mothership decided it was going to be another weekend of blowing up over stupid little things whether it be force feeding me out of date chicken before I had even had breakfast or a full on melt down over fucking wheelie bins, you name it, it irked her and I got caught in the crossfire. By 11am I was wishing I had gone to work.

When you’re already in a funk that shit doesn’t help, it’s mentally draining. By Saturday morning after at least 10 interruptions while I was trying to get some work done I was ready to jump out a window, backwards, because I did not want my body’s built in air bags to save me!

There is no escape from it. I used to love taking days off, now I dread it, but at the same time I need them.

Thing is though, it’s not just me in a funk, so many of you are feeling exactly the same way. I wonder what’s causing this general feeling oh mehness that hangs over us all like little rain clouds, is it something to do with the fact that Brussel Sprouts are out of season and we therefore have no fuel to blow the blues away?

It’s time to banish the meh, say goodbye to glum, dispense with the doldrums and get our happiness heads on. So for just 2.39 minutes crank up the volume and sing along with Little Voice, it’s time to Get Happy! :)

Feeling Meh-ry, not Merry!

I don’t know what it is, but now Christmas has departed I am feeling a little on the meh side. Instead of revelling in the post Christmas delights of over eating and the Wizard of Oz, I am instead nursing a rather grand case of post Christmas blues.

In some ways this was not the relaxing break I had hoped for. I forgot that although I had a few days off work, things at home would be the same meaning the cooking and  the cleaning would carry on. So sadly do Mums mood swings. I try to stay calm, but sometimes it proves really difficult. I also remind myself daily to not take it personally, but that can also prove difficult.

Perhaps that’s the cause of some of the mehness. Most people look forward to the New Year and the chance to hypothetically start over with a clean sheet, while making promises to not make the same mistakes as the previous year. I’m a little bummed out because in the near future  it looks like the only thing in my future is more of the same. We’re sort of at a crossroads, where the situation is getting worse, but not to the stage where we can seek outside help. My Dad says not to worry and that things have a strange way of working out, but asking me not to worry is like asking me not to breathe, That is something else I intend to address in the New Year.

I still find it uncomfortable to write things like this on my blog, and despite how many times I tell myself I can write what I want, it’s a hurdle I stumble, not leap over. Couple that with yesterday having a crisis of confidence (yes again) and bemoaning the fact that I don’t feel like I write like an adult I was ready to throw in the towel and admit defeat. Unfortunately, for you that is, it only lasted a short period of time, so I’m not going anywhere any time soon, sorry to disappoint!

In the mean time I am going to do the housework and give myself a serious talking to. I would do it in a dark room but the daytime scuppered that idea.

Merry Meh-ness people, tomorrow (or even later on) is another day!

Music for the Mehness!

Daily Prompt: Mix Tape Masterpiece

 You make a new friend. Make them a mix tape (or playlist, for the younger folks) that tells them who you are through song

One of my friends once told me that I have the weirdest taste in music ever, another described it as music to slit your wrists to….I guess that puts me squarely into the melancholy category. It is what it is and I likes what I like, I make no apologies for it. I love dance and pop as much as the next person, but my heart lies in the realm of songs that can make me cry. I’ve been listening to some of these anyways as I have been drowning in mehness this week. so figured I might as well share them.

Picture the scene, a one hour train journey after a long day at work, there are four more days till the weekend, it’s dark outside and the rain streaks down the windows, now if that doesn’t want to make you gurn your lamps out then my top ten melancholy melodies will:

Any Other Name – Thomas Newman

I think I originally heard this on a chill out CD, but I thought it was one of the most beautiful pieces of music I had ever heard. It never fails to make me cry if I am glum!

The Eels – It’s a Motherf*cker

This song contains bad language so if you are going to be offended don’t even watch. It’s a great song though if you are missing someone and you need to let them know.

Annie Lennox – Into the West

I know this is really morose, but I want this song played at my funeral when that time comes. If you listen to the lyrics you will understand why.

Alex Cornish – Brothers In Arms

I love the Dire Straits version as well, but this one just struck a chord with me and became my favourite.

Massive Attack – Teardrop

This song has always been a constant for me. It’s never not been an any kind of audio player I own.

Elbow – Lippy Kids

I have my sister to thank for introducing me to Elbow. I had never heard much of their stuff before until one night she played the album ‘Build a rocket boys’ and I heard this song. From that moment on I was in love.

Fyfe Dangerfield – She’s always a woman

I loved the band the ‘Guillemots’ whose lead singer is Fyfe Dangerfield, but when I heard him sing this, I loved it so much more than the Billy Joel version.

Damien Rice – 9 Crimes

That’s the first time I have seen this video and it’s err different, but I still love the song!

Lana Del Ray – Video Games

Not sure what it is about this song, but it just gets to me.

Passenger – The One You Love

I just love this guys voice and his album ‘Flight of the Crow’ is well worth a listen!

So there you have it, the 10 tracks from my forthcoming compilation album ‘Music for the Mehness’.

In the midst of the Meh!

 

I’m not a big lover of posting videos, I like to share my music tastes as the ‘In my music bubble’ page shows, but I didn’t like having to make people watch things. A few others have been sharing their music using you tube video’s and I realised it was actually a great way to share the songs here. How could I have been so stupid, I mean how did I think people were going to find my offerings. Stupid cow, can I blame the fact that I am an eejit? Thank you Rob and NBI for opening my eyes :)

I’ve been feeling a little off kilter for the past couple of weeks. I can’t seem to put my finger on why, but my happiness meter is nowhere near where it should be. I suppose I can take some comfort from the fact that I am able to recognize the dips, I’ve had them before.

Even before my friend came on holiday, my posting had been a little sporadic, mainly because of the way I had been feeling.

I would describe myself as two halves, on one hand you have the person you all know, the jokey one, who gets a kick from entertaining and loves all the interaction.

On the other hand you have the constant worrier. The older I get, the worse it gets. This half still loves all the interaction, but doesn’t feel particularly deserving of it, in fact I think you’re all nuts and hiding behind rose tinted glasses lol I still get scared to comment, even though I know in my heart of hearts you will understand me and get what it is I am trying to say. This half is eternally grateful to you all, well actually both halves are, because you all make me feel grounded and a part of something. I adore the interaction. You’ve helped my quiet side step out from the shadows.

I wanted this blog to be a happy place, I didn’t want to bring my other side in, however the downside of that, is that when you are feeling a little ‘meh’ you either don’t want to write or feel that you can’t.

It’s stupid that I should put restrictions on myself, at the end of the day this is my blog and I can write what I want. I don’t need to seek approval. Anyone who is a friend will accept me for all the parts of me, not just the ones I chose to show at any given time. There are no hard and fast rules that state I have to be happy all the time, although given the choice and a slightly less frazzled brain, that would be the preferred option.

I am my own worst critic, of that there is no doubt. I am never happy, no matter how well I do at something, but I am going to try and make changes. At the end of the day, if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how can I expect others to be comfortable around me. I am in awe of the eejits that have already pulled up their recliners and settled down around me, you are more than welcome, now put the kettle on would ya? I brought biscuits!

I’m telling you this because I want to. I’m letting you know that in the life of The Indecisive Eejit, whilst it is always indecisive, it is not always rainbows and unicorns. I’m preparing you for the fact that I might let the blog ship sail on stormy days and not just the sunshine ones.

I’m also, if we go right back to the beginning of this post and how it started out, sharing a you tube video of the latest song I like listening to whilst I am wallowing around in the big pond of mehness that surrounds me.

I hope you like it too and thank you for being here, you complete and utter bunch of eejits :)

Awwww….Fanks!!

WP_000104I wasn’t in a bad mood today, I wasn’t in a great mood either. I was just feeling a little bit meh.

So one of the girls in the office goes out at lunchtime and comes back with a little present for me. She knows me so well!!

I LOVE stationary! Absolutely LOVE it!

The fact that it is a sexy little geeky notebook and pen to write down all my geeky ideas for the site is even better still.

All my meh.ness disappeared and I had a smile for the rest of the day :)