Tag: humour

S’not the New Year I hoped for!

May Dupp15 Comments

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I know you’ve all been waiting patiently to hear about my great misadventures over the New Year period. You were imagining all sorts I’ll bet, the Wicky Digit full to the rafters, firemen actually getting their kit off and Onda grabbing a sneaky snog off Knuckles as the clock struck midnight while I screamed at the top of my voice…..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Wait what!? Yes you heard right, the only sound to escape my lips was most likely a wee snore or two, because I slept through the whole fecking thing.

It all started on Boxing day, and at first I blamed the Brussel sprouts, the usual cause of trouser trumps of such magnitude, but then I remembered I hadn’t actually had any, so there was clearly something more sinister going on. The Usain Bolt sprints for the bathroom followed a short time later along with that age old dilemma, can you reach the sink, when you’re shitting sitting on the toilet, thankfully in my case, yes, yes you can. Blessed relief.

I made it back to the sofa with only minutes to spare, so close to deaths door was I. Me!? A Drama Queen!? Never!

Onda came to visit me and brought tissues and oranges….Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. I tried to point out that not even a Dyson was going to be able to suck Vitamen C out of that bad boy, but it just wasn’t sinking in.

Me: Onda, I’m not long for this world. I think I’ve got Man Flu.

Onda: S’not.

Me: No seriously I think it is, I’m more sick than a big sick thing schooled at the school of sickness.

Onda: S’not (more high pitched this time).

Me: It feckin is!

Onda: No! Snot, wipe your nose you dirty clart, it’s dripping on the carpet.

There was very little sympathy after that, and according to Onda, who it would appear is a bit of a drama queen herself, what came out my nose was worthy of a scene from the Exorcist. As the saying here goes, the snotters were tripping me.

I’d been so looking forward to the New Year, I had every intention of starting it off with a bang, assuming I was able to lure someone back to my humble abode that is, but all I got was a crick in my neck from sleeping at an awkward angle on the sofa all night. I didn’t even realise it was New Years Day until I heard my next door neighbours in the back garden belting out Horse it into ya Cynthia by Farmer Dan, a sure fire sign that the night before has been a resounding success.

So there you have it, I May Dupp was a New Year failure. Let’s hope for a little more excitement in 2015 eh!

 

It’s a new year!

The Indecisive Eejit18 Comments

New Year

For someone who is not a Christmas lover, this one passed off pretty good. I got a couple of little surprises for which I am really grateful and  which will hopefully help me along as I advance into 2015.

I didn’t write yesterday, I did consider it, but in the end I decided I was going to let the fact that it was the start of a new year just pass by quietly. While I am grateful for all the wishes that I will have a happy one, I have no doubt that this year will be more or less like last year, perhaps even worse. That’s not me staring into a cup that is half empty, that’s me being realistic. The start of  new year is not going to magically take away the Motherships dementia and all it’s related issues, so I’m pitting myself at the bottom of the happiness scale and hoping to be pleasantly surprised.

It’s not all bad though, there are a few issues I hope to address in the New Year, let’s not call them resolutions because I totally suck at those, lets just call them steps, as in I’ll do them one step at a time.

Here are some of them:

  • Make more time for myself. If I need to stay somewhere else for a night just to get my head showered then I am going to do it. Caring for someone with mental health issues takes a toal on your own.
  • No unessential spending. Ok there will most likely be one exception to this. Usually when I get money at Christmas, I use it for the day to day things like groceries etc, this year I decided I would like to use it to actually buy something for myself, and that will most likely be an Xbox One. It is my escape after all :) All day Boxing Day I sat on my hands to stop myself buying one that was in a boxing day sale, because while I have some money I am still a long way off having it all. Other than that, there is an immediate curb on spending and more of an effort to get the finances straight.
  • No more junk food / crap. I swear to feck there are nights when I feel like a wheelie bin. My mouth is constantly open and crap is being shovelled in on a regular basis. I need to drop some weight, which will help another of my problems, the dreaded knee, which daily lets me know if it’s existence.
  • Write more regularly, both here and on The Misadventures of May Dupp. It’s not until I sit down to write a post that I realise how much I missed both it and the interaction from you guys.
  • Listen to more music. This year there were two contenders for favourite song, which were Say Something by A Great Big World and Hunger of the Pine by Alt-J, both of which you can list to on my Music Bubble page. Best album without a shadow of a doubt was This is All Yous by Alt-J.
  • De clutter – This is the year of getting rid of all the clutter. I started today and was ruthless, if I don’t use it anymore it goes! All the old boxes got broken down for recycling, even the one for my Xbox 360, which I have had for 6 years…..wtf!! If I make enough space then the PS2 is going to be set up, I have decided I need a little Bubble Bobble in my life.

So I think for now that’s enough to be going on with. If I can manage even a few of those then I’ll be happy. If I’m really lucky, I might even have finished the de cluttering before the start of the next New Year.

I don’t know if you noticed or not, (but if you did, pretend you didn’t), that I didn’t get my Cartoon Craziness Challenge drawing done, had I, it would have been a little picture of me with a Ferrero Rocher for a head and a brussel sprout for a body.

There were however two entries and you can take a look at them here:

Mama’s Christmas Cartoon | Mental in the Midwest

Evil Squirrel’s Nest Comic #139 — 12/25/14 | Evil Squirrel’s Nest

Thank you to you both :)

Can I just take a moment to say thank you to each and every one of you who read this blog. You have been with me through all the rough times of 2014 and laughed either with or at me through the happier ones. You’ve lifted me up when I’ve been down and you have entertained and challenged me, I like that.

So all that is left for me to say, is that I hope that 2015 is everything that you hope it will be and more. I look forward to spending it with you all!

May-ry Christmas!

May Dupp2 Comments

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I thought it only polite that I least stop by and say Merry Christmas to you all. I hope however that you don’t mind if I say it very quietly, I did my own version of Scrooge last night and got visited by some Christmas spirits, only mine came in a bottle and manifested into a shot glass.

Dear goodness, I’ve just looked in the mirror and it’s not a pretty sight. I wonder how poor Onda is, last I saw she was boots up under one of the tables in the Wicky Digit and Knuckles was trying to drag her home by her tights.

It’s been a very entertaining year here at the Misadventures of May Dupp and here’s hoping for more shenanigans in 2015! Thank you all for being a part of it.

If you need me, I’ll be over here on the sofa with these two headache tablets and my good friend Mr Hangover.

Have a lovely Christmas one and all :)

A tale of two titties!

May Dupp18 Comments

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Today I had to set off for work a little earlier than usual, and believe me, I am not a morning person. It takes a lot of time to look as presentable as I do. All those magazine types who spout about effortless beauty have clearly never had to do their own hair and make up! As a result, I was later leaving the house than I should have been, no time even for a shot of coffee, which is never a good thing.

After locking my door I turned around to find a man wearing a trench coat and trilby leaning on my fence. Now that’s not something you see everyday, considering we are no longer in the 1940’s. What was more alarming however was the fact that there was a rather large and expensive camera hanging from his neck, sporting a zoom lens.

Man: Good morning Miss. You have Great Tits.

Pardon me

Man: You have Great Tits.

Dude!!!! WTF?? (I have been watching way to many american TV shows)

My hands at this point moved protectively over my girlie bits as I shot him a look that would wither stone.

Man: In your garden. You have Great Tits in your garden.

You have to remember, that at this stage I was still suffering from morning brain. It takes a little while for all the synapses to start firing, even longer when they have not had an injection of caffeine.  So I’m standing there wracking my brains trying to think of the last time I had my baps out in the back garden and there is not one time that I can recall, unless we’re referring to a different kind of bap and there was a burger between them.

Man: Would you mind if I took a picture?

Of my Great Tits? Don’t you think that’s a little cheeky?

Man: Well it is rare to see such amazing specimens.

This is getting a little ridiculous now, I mean who does this man think he is.

Where or how the feck did you see them?

Man: On the table.

The table….you saw my tits on the table, are you off your head. 

Man: Yes, I saw them on the table, the bird table.

You saw my tits on the…wait, what, the…ohhhh….the…bird…table. 

Suddenly as if the sun had come out I was finally able to see where he was pointing, and sure enough it was at the bird table on which two little feathered things were sitting.

Ohhhh, you mean those ti……..birds? Yes take as many pictures as you like. 

Heaving a sigh of relief I finally lowered my hands.

The moral of this story….always leave enough time to have a cup of coffee, unless that is, you want to make a Great Tit of yourself!

Two tits, a Duck and a Dartboard!

The Indecisive Eejit27 Comments

Boiling PointYesterday! It was like any normal Tuesday, except I felt the need to repeatedly bang my head against the table. Back to back meetings had me climbing the walls by around 11am and there I stayed for pretty much the rest of the day.

Came home. It was like any other Tuesday only I felt the need to bang my head repeatedly against any solid surface. I actually felt like going and sitting in the garden shed for an hour just to get some peace and quiet, only it was fecking freezing and there is every possibly there are mice in there, so yeah…..feck dat!

I didn’t have high hopes for Wednesday, but as hump days go, it was slightly unshittier than the others. I came home to the most amazing little parcel from Mental Mama over at Mental in the Midwest full of lots of little goodies like a candle in a holder, earrings, a phone charm, chocolate and a beautiful little snowflake for the Christmas tree. Each little piece was handmade by the lady herself, which makes it all the more special. I was grinning like a Cheshire cat!

Then later when I was trying to find a post on my blog I realised that I have reached 700 followers, well on the front page anyway. Have you any idea how momentous that is? Probably not, but trust me, it’s Mo fecking Mentous! Who’d have thought eh, certainly not me.

You know I have said it before and I have no doubt I will say it a million more times, but blogging has meant an awful lot to me. By far and away, the best bit is the interaction with other people. Think about it, you have a problem, you Google it. Bloggers have a problem, we write about it, because there is almost always someone within your circle of followers who has experienced something similar and has words of wisdom to offer. Trust me consider bloggling it next time.

I’ve read blog posts in relation to other people who are in a similar situation to myself with regards to looking after someone with Dementia. It’s opened my eyes, because I now realise there are certain traits that are related to the illness and not the individual person. It nice to realise you’re not alone, because as much as people want to understand, they can’t, unless they are living in the same situation day in and day out.

It’s amazing how you can form connections with people you have never met, through this one common bond that we have called blogging. I have been so lucky with the people who have found me and visa versa. Each and every person is unique and amazing and really rather awesome if the truth be told. I love you all.

If you have made it to the end of my post then thank you very much, and I have no doubt you are wondering as to why the title is what it is. Well in the middle of writing this there was some social interaction with a certain Mr Smith. I joked that this was the title of the post I was writing and I kinda liked it, so now it is :) Hopefully it grabbed you attention!

Night night now :) x

Burning ring of fire!

May Dupp14 Comments

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I would love to tell you that my life has been wonderful since the last time I wrote just a little over a week ago. The truth is I have spent it sitting in a rubber ring whilst nursing burnt butt cheeks. Trust me to pick the only killer electric blanket in the whole wide world!

Ok, so perhaps I am being a little too dramatic, but that is after all what I am good at. I thought I misheard my teacher when she said I would pass a degree in Histrionics without even having to study, I couldn’t even remember signing up for it. Regardless, back to my arse.

I never was the kind of girl to read instructions. If my brain was not able to figure it out then the batting of eyelashes was always able to acquire assistance from somewhere. This time however owning to the fact that the offending piece of gadgetry was in my boudoir, I thought it best to let the brain figure it out all on it’s own, and considering the instructions had already been binned, what choice did I have.

You may remember I had set the blanket to activate 30 minutes before I went to bed, which may well have been part of the problem as Onda decided to ring me with about 5 minutes left to spare. Now I love that girl to death, but once you get her Onda phone, it’s pretty damn hard to get her off it again, especially when you’ve had a weekend like she’s just had, but that’s a whole other story. To be fair to her, it was a rather interesting tale and I forgot all about the fact that it was now way past my bedtime.

1 hour and 57 minutes later (not that I was counting), I managed to make it to the bathroom to complete the necessities. Had I realised at the time that it was the last time I would have normal bare (bum) necessities for a least a week, I would have savored the moment. I vaguely remember thinking when I went into my room that my mad cow pyjama’s were nice and toasty, but as I had forgotten all about the electric blanket I didn’t put two and two together. Instead, I checked my alarm was set, collapsed into bed and went out like a light.

Sometime in the middle of the night I dreamt about the firemen from that Wicked Weekend at The Wicky Digit. Before I knew what was happening I could hear the Nelly song ‘It’s getting hot in here…’ playing in the background,  and the fireman was starting to strip. In my sleep I’m thinking, please don’t wake up, but somewhere in my sub conscious, I’m thinking WTF,  it is getting hot in here. I’ve never had a hot flush before, but I’m smart enough to know that it doesn’t normally happen in your backside, so I leapt out of the bed like a scalded cat. Just in time too it would seem, as smoke started to appear from the middle of the bed. I’d like to say I was the one causing all the sparks in the bedroom, but alas no, it was the electric fecking blanket.

Needless to say I dialed ‘999’ and called for the very same firemen I was dreaming about not 5 minutes ago. They arrived not too long after and I led them up the stairs as quickly as I could, thankfully there were still no flames. I could hear giggles behind me, but figured that some of them were remembering the antics from the previous night we had met. Last up the stairs was the big fire Chief, who looked me up and down while walking past and said ‘Holy Cow’. ‘I know’ says I, ‘it’s made a bit of a mess of me bedroom’. He replied that it had indeed, but he was in fact referring to the huge hole that had been burnt in the backside of my pyjama’s exposing my red raw and rather well toasted butt cheeks. Well at least I knew what the giggling had been when we were coming up the stairs. I’m not sure which set of cheeks were reddest at that point.

I sat on a rubber ring stuffed with ice packs for about 5 days after that, and had to drag Billy and Seamus out of the pub to assist with the redecoration of my bedroom. The electric blanket has been relegated to the wheelie bin and from now on I am going to stick to a good old fashioned hot water bottle, I figure it’s the safest option. The firemen were even kind enough to send me a card, that said ‘It’s a BUMmer You’re not well!’

I think I can live without things getting too hot in my bedroom from now on!

By heart….

The Indecisive Eejit14 Comments

Singing Eejit

The Daily Prompt asks:

You’re asked to recite a poem (or song lyrics) from memory — what’s the first one that comes to mind? Does it have a special meaning, or is there another reason it has stayed, intact, in your mind?

‘More than words’ by Extreme, that’s the one that springs to my mind. Released in 1990 I believe, it was once of the most played songs on the radio when I started my first year of work in 1991. I knew it off by heart, crooning or was that caterwauling along in front of the mirror, a hair brush for a microphone.

If you’re a regular follower of my blog you will know I used to write a piece called ‘The Office Eejits’, you think they were bad, they are nothing compared to the original crew. One guy, let’s for talk sake call him Bart, because that’s what he was like, an adult Bart Simpson,  and I got on famously and every morning around tea break we used to enter all the competitions on a particular radio station.  Well Bart and I had every version of Car stickers, pin badges, pens and pencils that the radio station had to offer. We were even told on more than one occasion that we were not allowed to enter as we were winning too much.

This particular week they were giving away tickets to see Extreme live in Belfast. I wanted those tickets…I wanted them bad. In the morning competition Bart managed to get through and after being asked a question, which to be fair wasn’t that difficult, won a set of the tickets. I was so jealous, but resigned myself to the fact I would have to wait until the next day. As luck would have it, we (Bart and I) were working late that night and another chance came up, and I was on it like a car bonnet!

Waiting to get through to a radio station, hosting a competition for something you really want has to be the most nerve wracking experiences ever. Bart sitting across the office from me was urging me to hang on and eventually the phone was answered, to be honest now I can’t remember who by, but I was getting my chance at tickets. All set and ready to answer my question I prepared myself, I could do this! When the DJ told me that in order to win tickets I would have to sing the first verse of the song, I almost died on the spot. Sing…..live……on……the…..radio……..WTF!!!

wtf
Dude…seriously, you want me to sing?

I was so dumbstruck at his request that I forgot the words. I could sing this song in my sleep yet here I was live on the radio with no memory of the tune, the words or even the time of fecking day. My face must have been a picture!

I think I mumbled that I couldn’t remember it,  despite the fact that  2 minutes before when he had asked me I’d told him I lovvvvvvvvved Extreme and knew the song off by heart. I think he helped me with the first couple of words and off I went, somehow managing to belt the rest out, albeit not with the same gusto that I would have in front of my bedroom mirror. I won the tickets, there was much elation, on my part anyway. Bart, well, when I finally managed to look over at him, all I saw was his two feet sticking up behind the desk, he had literally fallen off his chair laughing.

So ummmm yeah, that’s the first one that comes to my mind :)

 

Ready or not, here I come Cosmic Musicology Test!

The Indecisive Eejit8 Comments
voyager-gold
Steve’s still got one big ball!

Ok I am going to have to have words with Steve, because not only do I think he has a new site, but I think this is this weeks test. If not then oh well, I don’t remember these questions so I will do them anyway.

If you would like to join in, host or even make question suggestions please click HERE for all the information you will ever need.

A quick run down of the rules is as follows: 

For each test Steve (at the above link) will post 3 new questions so…

(1) Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle
(2) Say the questions aloud and press play
(3) Use the song title as your answers
(4) NO CHEATING

Title your post “Cosmic Musicology: …” and link back to the latest page.

Post your response in the comment section of that week’s page.

This Weeks Questions and Answers

How was your day? – Busy Guy by Hans Zimmerman, The Holiday Soundtrack – I had a quick look there and thankfully all my lady bits are in order, so now we have established that I am not a guy, I can confirm that I was indeed busy today. My boss is off at the minute, so I am trying to get some of the lengthier tasks done. I’ve worked at this one for about 3 days and I am almost done. A small sense of achievement…..I think so :)

What do you want to achieve this week? – By your side by Lifehouse – I’ve decided I am never going to be by anyones side, apart from my friends and family that is. Love doesn’t exist, it just makes you embarrass yourself and happy endings are something you get for an extra five bucks at a massage parlour, or so I’ve been told.

Do you enjoy your job? – Only if… by Enya – I was curious as to what the answer to this question would be. Pretty good really. I enjoy my job only if I can make cups of coffee, smile, laugh and hopefully make others smile and laugh. Only if I can go home at five o’clock preferably feeling like I have accomplished something. Only if they keep paying my wages, in exchange for my promise to work as hard as I can. Only if I can cherish the two days of my weekend before I go back on a Monday and only if people promise not to ask me how my weekend was if I have a face like a bulldog sucking a wasp as that usually means it didn’t go so well. Only if I still have a job to enjoy……….

What does the Comic Musicology Test say about you….only one way you’ll find out…..get on it like a car bonnet!

P.s Steve, thanks to one of your posts I purchased Sia – 1000 Forms of Fear, I’m loving the song Fair Game, although it has not yet trumped Hunger of the Pine (Alt-J)for most listened to.

Bedroom Antics

May Dupp8 Comments

Electric Blanket

I always wanted a water bed, although I am not sure why, owing to the fact that I get seasick. I even went as far as to get brochures, and was quite excited at the prospect until one lunchtime Big Bertha told me she used to have one. Naturally I asked if she thought they were a good job, to which she replied ‘it’s all fun and games, till someone gets hurt’. Being nosy concerned I of course asked her what she meant. Blushing a little, she told me about the time her boyfriend was all splayed out on the sheets with a rose between his teeth, and Bertha feeling rather amorous leapt onto the bed with him, catapulting him upwards through the roof tiles. When she told me the only thing that saved him was his Y fronts catching on the fake chandelier I actually fell off the chair laughing. I never thought anymore about a water bed after that.

This winter however I decided I needed to heat things up in my bedroom, sadly not in the way you are thinking, more along the lines of I decided to buy myself an electric blanket. I’m not sold on the idea, let’s call it  intrigued yet dubious. The shop assistant had no sense of humour, as when he informed me my new blanket would keep me toasty warm, he was less than impressed with my reply of, ‘So if I sing and keep turning myself over will that make me a pop tart?”. I’ve decided that when I laugh at my own jokes and no one else does it makes me look more deranged that funny.

Regardless I paid sour bake and brought the blanket home . Sadly, when I dispensed of the box I didn’t realise that the instructions were still inside, and now I have no idea what all these buttons, bells and whistles do, I’m just going to have to wing it and hope that I don’t set fire to my arse.

It’s all set up and my favourite ‘Mad Cow’ pyjamas are underneath the pillow in readiness. The timer is set to activate the blanket about 30 minutes before I go to bed, so it should be nice and cosy by the time I jump in.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes….night night now :)

Cosmic Musicology Test – Hooray Hooray

The Indecisive Eejit8 Comments
voyager-gold
One of Steve’s Golden Balls!

I stole Steve’s big golden ball, rolling it down the road was a bit of a nightmare, but I made it home and I don’t think anyone saw me. It’ll be interesting to see how long it takes him to notice. This can only mean one thing, yes indeed, it’s a new edition of his Cosmic Musicology Test. 

A refresher of the rules:

For each test Steve will post 3 new questions so…

(1) Go to the music player of your choice and put it on shuffle
(2) Say the questions aloud and press play
(3) Use the song title as your answers
(4) NO CHEATING

Title your post “Cosmic Musicology Test: …” and link back to this test’s page.

Post your response in the comment section of that week’s page.

Have a look at the archives or click on “Cosmic Musicology” in the category cloud on this page to see all previous tests.

Any suggestions for future questions will be welcomed by Steve!

For more information, to submit ideas for future questions, to host your own or just general feedback go to Cosmic Musicology Test.

This weeks questions: (oh and my answers): 

1. Christmas or New Year? – Angel sung by Andrea Begley – That’s got to be Christmas then, because that is what Angels remind me of. New Year is more of an angle, as in the angles you have to get yourself into to either receive or duck the New Year advances of the drunk men wearing beer goggles!

2. Halloween or Fireworks Night? – Barbara Streisand by Duck Sauce – I don’t really get the difference between these two. I guess here Fireworks night is not such a big deal and both are really just an excuse to get your bangers out…..or is it sparklers. Regardless, I’m picking Halloween, a party in full blast, this song at full volume, and some random drunk in the corner snoggin a pumpkin, what could be better…Just for clarification I have no experience of this, honest!

3. Summer or Winter? – Paradise by Coldplay – The name of the song would suggest it would be summer right? Long sandy beaches, clear blue seas and plenty of sunshine. For me paradise is a cold night where you are warm inside and can hear the rain and wind batter the windows. All snug and wrapped up, cup of coffee in hand and a good DVD to watch. One condition tho, there must be no ice or snow to be seen :)

Now it’s up to you, if you too would like a shot at Steve’s golden ball, feel free to add your own answers into the mix. You can find all the information you require HERE!