Office Crimes and Misdemeanors!

The Indecisive Eejit16 Comments

An Office Full of Eejits
The Tinsel Twit will tell everyone within earshot, that she is bullied, and that the person who bullies her is yours truly.

I will tell everyone in earshot that I am bullied, and that the person who bullies me is the Tinsel Twit.

The Diamond Dancer says we are both dick heads and need to wise up!

The whole thing is hilarious to be  honest.  It’s a good job that all the fighting is only in jest.

The Tinsel Twit will sit like a little woodpecker for a period of 15 minutes, constantly rapping on my brain, peck, peck, peck and then when I can take no more and tell her to shut her cheeper, she starts to fake cry saying she’s being bullied. The woman is worthy of an oscar sometimes for her performances. She hides behind the computer screen, sniggering, fake crying and crossing her legs because she is on the very of edge of literally peeing her pants!! Everyone in the office then reprimands me and tells me it’s terrible how I bully poor wee Tinsel Twit, gawd love her, and I should be ashamed of myself. Then they all laugh, usually at me!

Just last week, when we (Tinsel Twit and I) came back from making coffee, we realised we had forgotten to make a cup for Speedy, so she says “She forgot about you, I’ll go and make you a cup now.” In she walks to the kitchen, hands his cup to me and says make Speedy tea, I’m away to the loo!” She’s crafty, she bullies me when no one is around.

When you were young did you ever have your lunch stolen by one of the older kids, well the Tinsel Twit is much better at it.  She has perfected her craft. She’ll sit and look at your food longingly telling you how hungry she is, her stomach in synch with the scam, growling in all the appropriate places. On a few occasions she has eaten half of mine and when I have remarked that I could have eaten another, her reply was “So could I, make sure you bring more tomorrow.” How could you not laugh at that!!

Seriously though, it’s all in jest and the laughter certainly lifts the mood and makes the day go quicker!

Actual bullying in the workplace should never be tolerated, I’ve been a victim of it and it’s not very nice!

The Office Eejits!

The Indecisive Eejit2 Comments

An Office Full of EejitsWhen you consider how much of our lives we spend in work it’s very easy to become bored with the mundane every day routine.

I have always been blessed with having fantastic work colleagues, who not only provide entertainment, but also counselling, advice, smiles and a vast array of other skills that can be called upon if required.

My main counterpart until recently was “Udders”. I have named her this, as she has a couple of features that stand out, especially with the male of the species. Aside from this though, she also has moments of being udderly ridiculous, which provides no end of entertainment for myself and my colleagues. She also has the knack of being able to cheer me up when all udders fail!

Due to office restructuring, she had to relocate to another department, leaving behind a space that few could fill. Despite the move however, she remains a huge presence in my life and has made it her life’s ambition to find new ways to torture me, thank goodness!

Monkey was another one, she abandoned us for pastures new many years ago, but has still remained in contact.  She’s the baby of the bunch, the hip cool and trendy one.

Udders and Monkey are my dinner crew and there is never a dull moment. We’re like the three degrees…..of insanity!

The office I am currently in is large and spacious, with plenty of through traffic on a daily basis. My colleagues are as mad as a box of frogs, which certainly helps the days pass, however it’s getting to the point where we may have to consider putting an “Enter at your own risk” sign on the door. Anyone who is brave enough to enter is fair game, it is certainly not for the faint hearted.

The Tinsel Twit, who I mentioned before, is a little like a controllable light bulb, sometimes she can be a little dim, but when she’s on full power she will just blind you with brilliance. The best part is, that she has no idea how funny she actually is, it just rolls off her tongue as we roll about the floor laughing.

Today our big boss called in for a visit. When it was time to leave, he headed towards the door and was standing at the side of the Diamond Dancers desk, dressed from head to toe in motorcycle leathers. So the Tinsel Twit looks at him and says “You on your bike the day then?”, we all burst out laughing and the boss, after looking himself up and down says in the most deadpan voice ever, “No!” So she says “I never saw your helmet,” at which point we again erupted. Trying to make amends she quickly followed it with, “I thought it was just your quirky dress sense!”

Way to go Tinsel Twit, you’ll be getting no £10 deposit for the Christmas dinner from him!

There are so many more stories to tell and you will meet the whole crew in due course. I only hope they give you as much entertainment as they do me.

Shameless plug warning – Feel free to stop reading!!

The Geeky G4mer has a new Facebook Page and would love for you all to like it. You can view it HERE!

Daily Prompt: Life Line ft Billy & Seamus

The Indecisive Eejit4 Comments

B&S Banner

Daily Prompt: Life Line

You’re on a long flight, and a palm reader sitting next to you insists she reads your palm. You hesitate, but agree. What does she tell you?

Being the weekend and on the lookout for something different to do Billy and Seamus decide to take flight to Dublin for the day.

Not having had the sense to book tickets in advance, the two lads find the Enterprise already packed when they board at Central Station.

Not to be deterred they sit down at a table that is currently occupied by only one person, a middle aged lady.

Billy: “Here Mrs, do you mind if we sit here? “

Lady: “Not at all son, make yourself comfortable, we’ve a long way to go.”

Billy: “Thanks a bunch. “

Seamus: “Aye thanks Mrs, that’s while decent of ye.”

Billy: “So are you off to Dublin for the day an all then?”

Lady: “No son, I’ve a show to do down there.”

Seamus: “A show? Are you a singer? “

Billy: “….ah go on an sing somethin for us will ye?”

Lady: (laughs) “No I’m not a singer. I tell fortunes.”

Billy: “Ah get away with ye, I’ll be thinking ye have crystal balls next, only that’s impossible on account of you being a woman an all.”

Lady: “Indeed. No crystal balls here I’m afraid.”

Billy: “All that shoite freaks me out just a little to be honest. Unless yer gonna give me the lotto numbers I don’t think I wanna know. Imagine if you told me that in the next 30 minutes I was gonna be tatey breed ffs.”

Lady: “Tatey breed?”

Billy: “Aye, tatey breed…..deed.”

Seamus: “He means dead, you know as in kicked the bucket…”

Lady:  “….ahh I see.”

Billy: “If you don’t have crystal balls, so to speak, how do you tell someone’s fortune then?”

Lady: “I use hands.”

Seamus: “Ah feck sake Billy sure we’re fine, nothing to be scared of here, we’re no use to her. Thank feck for that.”

Billy: “You’ve lost me…..”

Seamus: “Well we’re male for starters.”

Billy: “Right?”

Seamus: “An our names are Billy an Seamus.”

Billy: “I’m still not following…..”

Seamus: “Ahh feck Billy, do you no get it. She’s a Pam reader!”

Reviewing the Nokia Lumia 820!

The Indecisive Eejit6 Comments

Nokia Lumia 820So I’ve had it for about 3 weeks now, my mobile phone upgrade, the impressive Nokia Lumia 820.

To be fair, there is not much difference between my previous phone, the Lumia 800 and this one, the most notable however being the screen size, 4.3″ as opposed to the 3.7″ on the 800. For years I have listened to men telling me that size matters and in this case it certainly has made a difference and put a smile on my face.

The AMOLED screen is bright and responsive and features Super Sensitive Touch meaning it can still be used, even when wearing gloves.

Windows Phone 8 allows for live tiles with 3 sizes, meaning with just a couple of presses you can customize your home screen to suit your lifestyle adding people, apps, weather and any other tiles you desire.

A feature I was glad to see introduced, was the ability on this phone to adjust text size through various key places on the phone, i.e. text messaging. Sometimes on the 800 I had struggled with text, especially in low light, which is not something you want when you are a spectacle wearing geek!

Notable in its absence however, is the option to change your keyboard layout, it’s qwerty or nothing I’m afraid. I loved my alpha numeric keypad on previous phones and miss it dearly, I have not been able to warm to the presence of the full keyboard and find my texts and e-mails littered with comma’s as they are so close to the space bar. I am fully expecting the glass to wear away in the position of the back space.

Another thing lacking is the ability to be able to personalise your phone with text message tones. After reading through various forums I see that I am not alone in my despair over this. I can only hope it has been considered and will be added when the new software update rolls out in the next couple of months.

The integrated Xbox app works well and seems to have fewer of the connection problems I experienced with the 800. Smartglass has been built in and your avartar is now larger and can be customised from the comfort of your armchair using your phone.

Geek Screenshot
Heya Eejits!

You certainly wouldn’t be buying a Windows Phone if you are an App fanatic, as the Windows marketplace holds nowhere near as many as the likes of the Play store on Google. It is not hard to tell, that at the moment Windows phone are seriously lagging behind the competition in sales, as they are not very well supported, some companies being unable to confirm if this will ever change.

My main reason for buying a Nokia however, was for the signal strength, and from the options available within their range, the Windows operating system was the best of the bunch, in my opinion.

I live in a low signal area, which few networks support and had changed to the Nokia Lumia 800 from my previous HTC Sensation due to the fact that I was not able to send or receive text messages and make or receive calls.

The 820 seems to be fairly good, however I would say the 800 would have had slightly better reception, and for this reason I am a little disappointed with my upgrade, but so far so good, it’s still early days.

I was excited this week to learn about O2’s new app called Tu Go.

No signal? Download our TU Go app to call or text from your O2 number over wifi

Sounds great right, especially for someone like me who has signal issues. Downloading the app would allow me to be able to make and receive calls in the house by using my WiFi connection. You usage is still taken from your monthly allowance, but in the grand scheme of things that wouldn’t matter as much as being able to make and receive telephone calls!

One snag – there is no App for Windows Phone. At present it’s only available for Iphone, Android, and Windows 7 PC’s. Worse still, it doesn’t look like one is coming any time soon, if at all. Another large company not supporting Windows phone despite Telefónica announcing a Windows partnership, tut tut! Better get that sorted.

The introduction of this one app would make me consider Ebaying the Lumia and replacing it with an Android phone again, however as the Tu Go app is relatively new, I’ll give them a little time to get their act together.

Overall I’d give the Nokia Lumia 820 a hefty 8 outta 10. For what I need it for, it’ll do just fine…for now!!

Bit’s ‘n’ Pieces

The Indecisive Eejit5 Comments

It’s hard to believe it’s almost the middle of August. Even harder still to believe, that in just short of 5 months it will be Christmas all over again. The tinsel twit in my office is already asking us for our £10 deposits, and if she doesn’t stop she’s going to get a boot in the old baubles!

It’s also been 4 months since I started this blog and I’ve been glad of it. It’s kept me entertained, kept my mind active and introduced me to some great new people, so its all good! Over 13, 000 hits, mainly due to the worlds addiction to Candy Crush, 92 followers and a new Facebook Page (which you can follow here)…who’d have thought it…certainly not me!

So here’s a round up of whats been happening this week:

B&S Banner

Billy & Seamus have faces at last! Yes I know they are Xbox avatars ffs, I made them. Had I drawn them, they would have looked like two spuds (potatoes) with matchstick limbs, so what choice did I have really.

Any bored cartoonists stopping by, feel free to draw me a banner. I can pay in chocolate!

There was also more trouble on the streets of Belfast this weekend. Billy and Seamus got into a bit of an altercation at the ‘Here Be’s Me Burger Bar’ with big Eddie from the estate over ownership rights of the last remaining pastie bap. Three rounds of pitch and toss and a black eye later, Billy got his bap!

In other news: 

Bruce Willis has ‘allegedly’ been dropped from Expendables 3 for requesting 1 million quid a day! My initial thoughts were, greedy big shite, but then I figured he probably needed the extra million to purchase the Saints Row Super Dangerous Wad Wad Edition, read more here.

the_expendables_2___bruce_willis-wallpaper-320x240
“Ah Crap! I needed the wad for the wad wad.”

Just in case anyone is interested, I’d be in it for a £100 a day! – Just sayin!

Once Upon a Time, Season 3, is set to air in the United States on Sunday the 29th September, we however, will have to wait a little longer. I was also interested to note that a new series is also being released which will cross over with the residents in Storybrooke, hopefully as soon as the first episode. It’s called Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, here is the trailer:

If you haven’t checked out Once Upon a Time, make sure it is at the top of your to do list!

On that happy note I shall bid you all adieu. It’s bed time!

Daily Prompt: Everything Changes ft Billy & Seamus

The Indecisive Eejit9 Comments

B&S Banner

Daily Prompt: Everything Changes

Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately, your life has changed. Describe this experience.

“Billy what’s that by the side of the road?”

“Don’t de so feckin lazy an go an look for yerself, can ye not seem I’m busy here.” 

“Aye. Busy doing nothing ya big lump.”

Seamus picks something up off the ground.

“It’s a note.”

“Aww happy days Seamus, please tell me it’s a £20 note, I could do with a pint.”

“No Billy, it’s not that kinda note. It’s a Doctor’s note. They found your missing brain cell.”

“Ha feckin ha.  Seriously though what is it?”

“It’s an invitation to the Europa Hotel for your man that tends the fires down at the forge works.”

“Ye mean wee Sooty, on account of the fact the wee bugger looks like a chimney sweep, always covered from head to toe in the stuff from the arse of the fire.” 

“Aye that’s the one.”

“C’mon we’ll take it down to him, sure we’re not doing anything else anyway.”

Billy and Seamus reach the Forge Works and ask to speak to Sooty. 

“Alright lads. Youse lookin for me?”

“Aye Soot…..”

“Ye can call me Joe.”

“Aye Joe, we found this here invitation addressed to you, it’s for the Europa Hotel.”

“Ye did not. Feck that’s brilliant. I thought I’d lost it and wasn’t going to be able to go. I’ve won a prize and that’s where I’m supposed to collect it. Thanks so much. Here take this £20 and buy yourselves a couple of pints, my way of saying thanks.”

“Ach no we couldn’t………”

“Look I insist, you have no idea how grateful I am.”

“Well thanks very much indeed. Glad to help.  Looks like you shall go to the ball after all Cinder fella.”

NB: Wracked my brain for half a day and couldn’t think of anything else. Yvette don’t you dare shout, I promise not all posts will be BIlly & Seamus related! :)

Billy & Seamus: Work Experience Day

The Indecisive Eejit6 Comments

B&S BannerIn an attempt to increase his skills and get Seamus back into work, the dole office send him on a one day work experience to an office supplies company.

Later in the pub the lads are discussing the days events.

Billy: Well Seamus how did you get on the day then?

Seamus: Aye, no to bad, the craic was mighty. The boss was a bit of an eejit tho.

Billy: How so?

Seamus: Well,  here be’s me to the boss, where do you want this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap.

Billy: Right?

Seamus: ‘An he says pop it over there in the corner. It took me four feckin hours!!

NB: Many thanks to Fiona McK who texted me this gem last night, I had to pad it out a little but the punchline had me literally laughing my ass off! She gets the credit for this one :)

Meet Billy and Seamus!

The Indecisive Eejit12 Comments

So I had an idea, well I had it a couple of days ago, but I’ve been mulling it over . I enjoyed doing my A to Z post, the one where my two characters ended up going to the Zoo. It was fun to introduce you to some of the dialect from Norn Ireland, although it does lose some charm in the process of transferring it from brain to page. Hearing the scenarios spoken is much funnier.

So my idea was to give the characters names and possibly a regular spot on the page. The seeds are sown, I’m just not sure I have enough brain power to cultivate them into saplings….I figure it’s worth a shot tho.

I’ll try it out and see what happens. If I or for that matter you think it’s complete and utter tripe it will most likely be consigned to the trash can.

The Characters

Meet Billy and Seamus. Two fun loving eejits, neither of whom could pick up the prize for the brightest pixie in the forest. Well come on, there had to be a little of me in there somewhere.

They come from different religious divides, but are the best of friends and have been  since childhood.

Both are currently  unemployed, although to be fair it’s not through lack of trying. Times are tough and jobs are hard to come by these days. The lack of work however allows them the time to indulge in lots of mirth and mayhem…..hopefully (think brain think).

At the kitchen table……..

Billy: Seamus?

Seamus: Wha?

Billy: Are ye happy?

Seamus: Aye, why?

Billy: Are ye sure you’re happy Seamus, like, really sure?

Seamus: Aye I’m sure.

Billy: Well could ye tell your feckin face then!

For anyone who doesn’t understand I apologise, interpretation can be given on request.

Is it worth giving Billy and Seamus a shot?

The Joys of Modern Travel – Part 9

The Indecisive Eejit4 Comments

The title is a lie, an out and out dirty big fat lie I tell ye!! There were no joys about the modern travel this morning, not a single one.
 
Anyone who has read the previous TJOMT posts will know that in an effort to return to some kind of normality on the work front I have been attempting to travel on the earlier train. For the most part it’s not been too bad, however the stairs are slightly problematic meaning I have to do a kind of awkward hop limp on the flat surfaces to make the 3 minute window between train changes.
 
“Use the lift,” barked the station conductor one morning I was a little slow and felt I needed to explain myself. “I would but it’s full of your staff,” I barked back, at which point both of our heads did a cinematic slow turn to face the lift, which as I had stated was full to bursting with men in blue uniforms and orange jackets. I made a little “Hmphf,” noise and waltzed off, making sure as best I could that my indignation did not trip me up on the way.
 
This morning as my train pulled into the change station, I stood up to disembark. While standing at the doors waiting for them to open I could see the crowd surging forward, each one determined to be first to stake their claim on the steps and therefore secure the best seat. In light of the fact I can no longer do stairs, I am still at the stage of having to hold onto the hand rail and step forward on the bad leg. Such a simple task proved rather difficult this morning. It was like pushing my leg through a wall of marshmallow as bodies surged forward. Eventually in a rather loud voice laced with frustration I said “Could you all at least wait until I get off!” at which point a little corridor opened in the crowd and I was able to descend and pass through.
 
On my approach to the gate I realised something was not quite right as the guard was turning people around and making them head back towards the train, when in fact they should have been commencing the 3 minute sprint to the other platform.
 
Sure enough when I reached him the guard asked me where I was headed and then informed me I needed to get back onto the train as due to an earlier failure it was no longer an express and would be servicing all stops.
 
FFS!! I mean seriously FFS!!
 
So I about turned, retraced my steps and sheepishly stepped back onto the train, embarrassed at having to face the people I had not 2 minutes previously unleashed my frustration upon.
 
There were no seats, the one previously warmed by my ample backside now having been filled by someone else’s. The worst thing about having moved to a stage in leg injury recovery that no longer requires a crutch is that no one knows how badly you need to sit down.
I had to stand for the remainder of my journey.
 
It would appear that today was my day for receiving a resounding slap from karma.