NASA has perfected space travel and created a livable environment on Mars. In an attempt to colonize they have invited you to be among the first inhabitants of the red planet. Do you accept and if so, what is your experience?
Dear Nasa,
Thank you for informing me that I have been randomly selected for the ‘Trip to Mars Draw’.
Winning a ticket would invoke the same reactions in me as it did in Charlie when he won his Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, only I didn’t run all the way home because my leg is knacked, and I’m too lazy. The other advantage I have however, is that going to Mars will make me lighter, whereas going to the chocolate factory would definitely have made me heavier!
So here’s the thing, I’d give strong consideration to going but I don’t reckon I’d last too long. You’ve heard the old saying about a fart in a spacesuit right? well if I eat beans and I drop one I’m a goner. There are no second chances….I am D E A D! But by the same token, if I cut a blow hole in my spacesuit will I die anyway when the atmosphere penetrates? This is a real worry!
I’m not sure I like the idea of having to chase my food around the house much either. I’ve seen the adverts, an open bag of M&M’s fly in all directions, I mean what’s the use of that, by the time I round all the feckers up, I’d be too tired to eat them! Do you have any way of combating this catastrophe?
I’ve been known to see red on a few occasions, but how would I cope seeing it on a daily basis? and the floors, how would I keep them clean? I don’t want people tramping that red dust stuff all over my clean carpets. I suppose I could make them wear plastic bags on their feet….aye, not a bad idea that, so just ignore my last.
I’ve wanted a dog for a long time, will they be allowed? I could never have one here because I’m at work all day, but you’re telling me I wouldn’t have to work so I’d have plenty of time. If I took it out for a walk would it be like trailing a balloon after me, or do you have special little boots for them too? Also could you design some kind of little umbrella that attaches to it’s tail to catch the poop as it floats into space? or is it something more primitive, like a butterfly net for example?
It’s a lot to take in, and there is a lot to leave behind, so I am not sure what my answer would be if I won the draw. If you could however provide the answers to the questions I have asked that may assist with the decision making process.
Tell us what movie you are from and what character you are (or don’t and try to make us guess). Now write me a post as that character.
Anything goes with the What if challenge so if you want to wimp out and write me a post as Batman go ahead, but I think Michael Myers or Dumbledore might make a better post. Maybe Sir Ulrich von Lichtenstein or Bruce Leroy (Two of my favorite characters, bonus points to anyone who knows the movies they are from).
Or maybe even a random character from your favorite movie that no one else has heard of. Just have fun with it.
So I guess I should really introduce myself, my name is Warren, well it’s not actually Warren, but that’s what folks call me, and I am a store clerk at ‘Empire Records’ which has to be the coolest place on the planet to work.
The staff of the store are certainly a little kooky and eccentric, but I feel like I belong now. They have become almost like family, wait, what am I saying, they are my family. Boy am I glad I got caught shoplifting!
Yep, you heard right, I was shoplifting from the store, when Lucas, the guy in the black turtle neck chased, hell no, played cat and mouse with me, before knocking me into next week with an open car door.
Perhaps in hindsight going back to the store later that day with the gun was a bad idea, but it was loaded with blanks, what harm could it do. It was the only way I could think of to get their attention. It sure scared the customers. Scared the shit outta me the first time it went off too.
Deb came for me, crazy girl, she wasn’t afraid of the gun or nunthin, just stared at it and walked right for it. That kinda unnerved me and everything started to unravel.
They figured out what I was after, perhaps they knew all along. Hanging round the shop just for one day was the closest I had come to family in a long time. Joe seemed to understand and he even offered me a job. That’s how I ended up here, I mean come on, with eejits like this, how could you not want to work here……
If you want to know more about our story then watch the movie, you will not be disappointed!
What’s the most dreadful (or wonderful) experience you’ve ever had as a customer?
I’ve been wracking my brains, but I can’t actually think of a time when I was disappointed with the service I received in a restaurant. I’m sure things have happened, but obviously there was nothing that was so bad it stuck in my mind.
That obviously makes for a very short post, so I am going to have to deviate a little and refer back to an incident that happened when I was a waitress instead.
In my younger days I used to work in a local cafe. I much preferred being behind the scenes, washing and peeling the spuds in the spudder, before transferring them to the chipper, but usually I had to waitress as well. Looking back I would say I was probably not the best waitress in the world, but I got good tips for being a chatterbox and trying to provide service with a smile.
One Sunday, when I was still relatively new to the job, a couple came in. I took their order, passed the information to the chef and headed out to the rear kitchen to prepare the salad for the mains.
I’m fussy about salads, I’ll wash the lettuce leaves a couple of times just to make sure they are clean and will not provide any crunch from unexpected passengers like greenfly etc.
The meal was prepared, delivered and eaten by the diners, so I was surprised when I was called back to the table and shown a single leaf of lettuce which was serving as a presentation plinth for none other than a slug.
The customers were not happy and made a huge fuss proclaiming that due to this unfortunate event the meal should in fact be free. I offered my apologies and told them I had cleaned the leaves myself and was 100% sure there had been nothing on them. I then started to cry because at the time it seemed like the best outlet for my embarrassment and fear of getting the sack.
Hearing the discussion, my boss (who wasn’t all that nice at the best of times) came over, heard the story and said of course the meal would be free, whilst shooting me a look that would kill dead things. Inconsolable I decided to retreat and hide in the back until they had left.
My boss came in and found me, asking how I could have been so stupid and why did I not check the lettuce. I told him time and time again I had and I was positive there had been nothing on the leaves, that I was as shocked as he was. He basically told me in no uncertain terms not to let it happen again and to go and clear the table as the customers had now left.
When I walked back into the dining room, I was able to see the couple getting into their car and the lady gave a little kind of shrug and wave.
I started to clear the table and imagine my surprise when I found an empty matchbox, which when opened contained the unmistakable residue of a slugs backside. Even more remarkable though, was the ten pound tip left under the salt and pepper tray.
What if you let your dark side take over?
An unfortunate event has allowed the Devil to own your soul. He has decided to give you a chance to get it back but to win it you must bring a smile to the Devil’s face with your actions. He allows you to have one full day in which you can do anything your heart desires without fear of consequences, retaliation, retribution or prosecution.
An unusual turn of events indeed. I have been pondering this one for a few days, well since Sunday, when the challenge went up. No one willingly wishes to court the Devil, so the conundrum is, how best to tackle this unfortunate event and in fact turn it to your advantage.
The Devil dislikes my body, he has no option but to use it as a host, so will spend endless hours fashioning it into a more visually pleasing and competent, super human vessel. Even without the option of choice, I will secretly marvel at my new svelte frame and flowing strawberry blond (gingerish) locks, some things it seems just cannot be amended. From the array of clothes that my new figure opens the opportunity of, I will select a black all in one jumpsuit, that clings to every curve and makes both womens and men’s heads turn. “Who are you?” they will say, awed by my presence and I shall reply, “I am the Ginga Ninja, remember my name, for it will be the ruination of many.”
The Ginga Ninja looks a little like this!
The Devil turns his gaze from me, just for a few minutes. It seems his addiction to Starbucks coffee is just the same as any mortals. His lapse in concentration affords me the chance to substitute the list of victims he has provided, with my own.
He bids me farewell, a wry smile on his face. It would appear he does indeed derive great pleasure from a soul in torment. I have 3 hours in which to perform 3 kills, if I am to make the Devil smile and regain my soul.
11.59 am
I slip into an apartment block just west of Sudsly Avenue. It is run down and dingy. Rats scuttle at my feet as I read the names on the mail boxes. Smiling, I mentally note the number and proceed to climb the stairs, mumbling about the fact that his nibs did not consider flying as an option, when it could have been so helpful. Stubborn bloody man.
Two henchmen guard the door, but they are no match for the Ginga Ninja and I quickly dispense of them and hide their bodies in the broom cupboard, giggling to myself about the cliché of it all.
True to his form, Bubbles the Beast McGinn is in the bath. It takes him a minute to realise I am there. “My boss sent me” I say. I am instantly recognizable as soulless, so I am not surprised by the look of shock on his face as I push his head below the water, holding it there until the beast bubbles no more.
12.45 pm
Lunchtime – Kentucky Fried Chicken for a Boneless Banquet for One – Gravy as the side. What ffs??? A girls gotta eat. This assassination lark is not easy and besides my feet are killing me in these high heeled boots!
2.30 pm
Destination downtown Dumpsville. A laundromat on the corner of Persil Place. The sign in the window asks for young female workers, promising good benefits and competitive rates of pay. Rita the Rinser has been using the same ploy for years to lull young girls into her lair. She promises them the earth before she drugs them and sells them on as either prostitutes or slaves. I spy her loading washing into a huge clanking machine and quick as lightening I am behind her. Again she can sense I am soulless and visibly relaxes, that is until I whisper in her ear, “My boss sent me” and push her headlong into the machine, setting it for boil wash.
3.05 pm
A quick call into Manicures for the Mighty. I need to look in pristine condition for my next job, the last on my list.
3.45 pm
A prestigious fashion house. In full stealth mode I hitch a ride to the top floor hidden in a rack of clothes. I see my prey hunched over, pencil in hand, sketching out the new seasons trends. Saying not a single word I snap his neck like a twig.
4.15 pm
Grabbing a Starbucks I head back to ‘Satan’s Shack’ a prestigious gambling establishment I know he with the horns frequents. Sure enough, there he is surrounded by women and being fawned over by men. I step forward and offer the Starbucks.
Me: “I’m all finished, can I have my soul back please?”
Devil: “Why would you even ask such a stupid question, you have just killed two of my most loyal staff members, how could you ever imagine this would please me.”
Me: “I thought you knew everything ffs. Every night those two pray to God to forgive them for theirs sins. Every night their excuse is the same, ‘the devil made me do it’. In the end they were going to be detrimental to your business, and besides you’re going to save a fecking fortune on bubbles and soap powder.”
Devil: (sniggers) “Dam, you made me laugh, and by the terms of our agreement I must give you back your soul. Get out of my sight, I never wish to lay eyes on you again.”
Me: “Suits me. Any chance I can keep the body till the morning though?”
Devil: “GET OUT!!”
I figure my svelte figure could disappear at any second, so I decide to make as much as I can of the little time I have left and head to my local pub ‘The Pearly Gates’. Peter my favourite barman is on and after greeting me with a smile he pushes a pint of water across the bar to me.
Peter: “Busy day huh?”
Me: “Sure was. Is the boss happy?”
Peter: “Delighted, he’s been after those two for a while, however he did mention the fact that you deviated from the original plan and added in an extra assassination. There were only meant to be two.”
Me: “Yeah I know,”
Peter: “So enlighten me. The first two I can understand, but the third one has left me a little confused as well.”
Me: (shrugs shoulders) It was just for fun, and pretty simple really, the devil wears Prada.
The internet is full of rants. Help tip the balance: today, simply be thankful for something (or someone).
I’m thankful for WordPress. Actually, I am thankful for the bunch of eejits WordPress has allowed me to meet.
Everyone blogs for different reasons and gains something different from their experience. I had no reasons for starting a blog, other than it was something to do.
Initially to most people I appear to be the most confident person in the world, always in the middle of things, messing around, making people laugh. They are shocked when they realise this is not the case. I don’t usually talk about things too much, unless to my family.
The last 14 months has been tough going. Having to take 6 months off due to my ruptured patella tendon affected me mentally as well as physically. Being at home everyday made me realise how bad my mother, who suffers from stroke damage had become. In that space of time I have gone from patient to carer. Some things you come to accept, like the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, although the leg injury still plays a part in making life difficult. It’s the mental side of things I find hard to deal with. The mood swings, the fights, the feeling like you are constantly walking on eggshells. Even though you try, it’s hard to sit back and remember that she is not the person she once was. Mentally it’s a drain, and anxiety makes my stomach like a washing machine most of the time.
So like I said, I started the blog because it was something to do. I had no expectations. I had no ideas of where I wanted it to go. I just typed. It gave me something to look forward to when everyone was fed and I had 2 hours to spare before bedtime.
It became so much more. It’s given me a purpose and I truly adore the circle of people who regularly comment and go on my journeys with me.
I’m still amazed when they tell me I am funny, I don’t see it, but being told it makes me smile. I always was far to self critical, apparently! I love to make people laugh.
Blogging is so much more than just writing, it’s also about reading, commenting and interaction.
I’ve been captivated, duped and mesmerized by blogs. I’ve laughed, cried, sighed and rolled my eyes at entries.
All that aside my favourite part has been the interaction. I have been fortunate enough to meet some truly amazing people who unbeknown to them have lifted me and carried me through everyday since I started blogging. They offer advice, criticism, fun and laughter and never ask for anything in return. They let me read their thoughts, hopes, dreams and even sometimes their nightmares.
Through sharing our experiences we make connections that would never normally have happened.
I reached 100 followers today, and to each and every one of you I say a huge thank you. This blog would be nothing without you all!
To my loyal band of commenter’s, even the most recent ones with the cute sheep, cool cats and the ‘I burnt my buttcheeks’ presentation mug, an extra special thank you, you guys are amazing and I would have been lost without you all :) xx
Are you patriotic? What does being patriotic mean to you?
I’d pledge allegiance to Swizzel’s Matlow (see here), only I am pretty sure that’s not what this is all about.
Seriously though, on the day I make a promise to undertake more of the Daily Prompt’s and not shy away from using the few brain cells I have left, up comes this Daily Prompt! I live in Northern Ireland ffs, this is not going to be easy!
Patriotism is a devotion to one’s country
I couldn’t give a flying fig if you are Catholic, Protestant or any of the other many religions out there. I was brought up to believe that both sides are equal. One human being is the same as any other regardless of class, colour, religion or sexual orientation. It matters very little to me, if you treat me with respect, then that is exactly how I will treat you.
Although I have lived in Northern Ireland all my life, I don’t really understand all the fighting myself, I’m like the majority of the population who wish it would all just stop so we could live in actual peace.The way I see it, if the fighting continues, there will come a day when there is nothing left to fight for.
Something that was said by the the wife of a gentleman who was murdered by terrorists always stuck in my head. When talking of his death she said, “And what for? A piece of land that my husband is going to get six feet of.” It doesn’t matter who said it, those words could have been uttered by a grieving relative of someone on either side of the divide, it’s the importance of what was said that struck me. A 6ft rectangle is all any of us are going to get, why waste the important days of your life fighting over it and wrecking the beautiful country in which you live.
So everything else aside, Northern Ireland actually is a beautiful place to live. We’re blessed with some of the most gorgeous scenery in the United Kingdom, we pull a pretty mean pint of Guinness and there is always great craic and banter to be had with the locals.
‘The Giants Causeway’ – Image by Patrice78500
Probably one of the most famous landmarks is ‘The Giants Causeway‘ which many believe to be all that remains of a bridge made by the Irish Giant Finn McCool when trying to link Ireland to Scotland.
The landscape became so imbued with the spirit of this legend that it gave rise to the name – the Giant’s Causeway.
We also have castles, beautiful beaches, wonderful Abbeys, that although now in ruins are still a magnificent sight and well worth a visit, stately homes, amazing gardens, the list goes on. Some of these fine days I’m going to take myself on a road trip with my camera and go exploring, there are still so many things I have yet to see. It’s something however, that I would like to experience with someone who has never been here before, because sometimes a fresh perspective can open eyes that have become oblivious to their surroundings.
A few years back I became interested in photography, I saw my surroundings a lot differently whilst looking through the lens of a camera, but I shall let you see for yourself, here are some of my shots of various places in Northern Ireland. Hopefully it will let you see us a bit differently, than what you perhaps hear and see via the media.
Whitepark BayThe Cliffs at Dunluce CastleSand Dunes at Whitepark BayOld Youth Hostel – Whitepark BayRathlin IslandThe Big Fish – A printed ceramic mosaicGrey AbbeyCarnalbanaghBonamargy FriaryBog Cotton at Spelga DamScrabo Tower (my favourite out of all I have taken)
Are writing prompts a useful exercise, or do you find them to be too limiting and/or hokey?
Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I will never be known as the brightest pixie in the forest. I would consider myself of average intelligence. My grammar is certainly a little rough around the edges, especially with regards to the words to and too, a fact that drives my Sister up the wall! I am however trying to improve myself, I purchased a book called “Grammar for Grown Ups”, if I ever grow up and get around to reading it, hopefully you will see an improvement.
I like the Daily Prompt section of WordPress, infact it is one of the first posts I look for on my train journey home. sometimes however, I am left a little disappointed.
Most people will look at the prompt and the cogs and gears inside their heads will automatically start to turn, allowing them to produce not only something read worthy, but usually something pretty amazing, a classic example of great spin’s being “Ok, What if?”
The scenario with my brain is a much different thing, I read the daily prompt and the response is “what the fu…….r goodness sake do they mean by that?” at which point all the cogs and gears in my head grind to a halt. I’ll leave it for a couple of hours and then return, only to find that the old brain synapses have still not fired and usually at that point I give up.
Here’s the thing, it probably doesn’t matter what I write, and it certainly shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks of it. It’s a ‘Daily Prompt’ and it is there for the other participants and I to read, digest and portray it as we see fit. I just need to remind myself of this fact when I feel like turning away from one.
So in light of this post, from this day forward I intend to try a few more of the Prompts that I would normally have swept to the side. I am also apologizing in advance for the fact that you may perhaps read one and think, “What the feck is that eejit on about”. Welcome to the inner workings of my brain, I don’t understand it myself a lot of the time, we are still becoming acquainted.
Daily Prompt: Funny Ha-Ha
Do you consider yourself funny? What role does humor play in your life? Who’s the funniest person you know?
Had I been asked 15 months ago if I thought I was funny, I would probably have answered yes. Right here and now, well I’m not so sure I am anymore, life’s kinda gotten in the way and I miss my funny!
When the whole Alien Leg incident happened, I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I went from working all the time, to doing nothing in the space of a 20 second fall.
I got depressed. I was stuck indoors 24/7 and usually up the stairs, constantly worrying about what was going to happen to me, what was going to happen with work, was I going to walk again, was I going to die on the operating table, you have no idea, my mind is like an Ariston, it goes on and on and on, and it always errs towards the side of worst case scenario. I didn’t have my friends to interact with. I lost a little bit of my funny.
As things started to get better leg ways and life returned to some kind of normality regarding my return to work etc, I started to morph into a housewife. That’s not so unusual says you, it is when you’re not fecking married says I!
I live with my folks, my Mum has stroke damage and I only realised how bad it had become when I was at home everyday to see for myself. I’d always done the housework, on a Saturday, before I headed off for a 10 hour night shift. But as soon as I was able to make it down the stairs after my accident I was kind of pushed into the role of cooking, of course I knew it was going to happen, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. At the start the understanding was I would cook Monday to Friday, but not at the weekends, because at some stage I was going to have to return to my part time job, now I cook Monday to Saturday and Sundays are starting to filter in too, along with the washing and ironing. I lost a bit more of my funny.
One of my friends pretty much told me the other day that I am always moody, and do you know what, they are right. These days I am. I’m sure if you ask Udders and the rest of the gang they will tell you that I am not quite the same person I was before, I’m not, and I know it myself. A lot of days I find it hard to cope, especially when Alien Leg is throwing her two cents in.
My funny is still there, I know it is. It makes brief appearances every now and again. Perhaps I am only now passing through the tail wind of the last 15 months and things will return to normal. I sure hope so, because I love to make people laugh and smile.
I know some of my readers on here have said I already do make them laugh and smile, and every time they do a little bit of my funny returns. But they don’t realise that along with my friends they have been an important key in my recovery.
When I do fully reconnect with my funny y’all better beware!
What would it take for you to consider yourself a “successful blogger”? Is that something you strive for?
When I first started out, I used to think that in order to be a successful blogger I had to become Freshly Pressed. That line of thought caused me anxiety, because I knew I didn’t have the skills and the more I fretted about it, the less I wanted to write. After my first few posts I adopted a rather stupid ‘What’s the point’ kind of attitude.
When you’re new, it’s hard having no followers and no likes, in fact no one reading. Yes we all blog for many different reasons with varied end goals, but there are few who could truthfully say that they do not get a buzz when they attain new followers or post likes! So, whilst we all write for ourselves, there is always that little bit of us that craves the attention of others. We have a desire to entertain, amuse, educate and inform, it’s inbuilt.
As time wore on and I got a little better acquainted with the WordPress scene, I started to follow, read and interact with other blogs. I stopped writing for the sake of it, instead choosing to wait until I had something to say. I started to write for myself.
I can’t express how much I enjoyed the ‘Reader’ and I even started to look on Freshly Pressed in a new light, it was no longer something to be feared, in fact in one post I offered praise, as through it, I was introduced to amazing new posts and some equally amazing blogs.
Five months on I now have followers who comment and converse with me on a daily basis. They tell me whats good and what’s bad and their opinions matter more than anyone else’s, more than being Freshly Pressed.
Through the last 100 posts and my circle of friends here, I realised I didn’t have to be a successful blogger or spend time worrying about my lack of skills, I just had to be myself.
Daily Prompt: The Full Moon
When the full moon happens, you turn into a person who’s the opposite of who you normally are. Describe this new you.
It was only when I reached my late teens that I realised the phrase ‘full moon’ had a double meaning. Up until that time I had always associated them with the horror movies I used to tremble through on a Saturday evening.
One night a crowd of us were wandering through the local park, when one of the lads in the group asked if I wanted to see a ‘full moon’. Of course I had seen them many times before, but figured this one must be pretty special if you needed an invitation to view it, and excitedly replied that I would indeed like to see, at which point he dropped his trousers and stuck his bare arse in my face! Apparently this was my full moon initiation and I passed with flying colours. It still reminded me of a horror movie though as his unclad butt cheeks were not unlike those of a werewolf. Much to the amusement of the rest of the group I shared my thoughts with him and I believe that is the reason why I passed.
I however, would not wish to become a werewolf, nor have I any desire to unleash the junk in my trunk on any unsuspecting members of the human race! That indeed would be the mother of all horror movies!
These would be the amazing traits of my full moon alter ego!
No worrying. Imagine that, how I would love just one day where I did not worry.
No smoking – I’m trying to quit but it’s so hard and I have the willpower of a gnat!
No one to look after but me, myself and I, even just for a little while. Let someone else have the cooking and cleaning and stresses.
A brain chockablock full of useless computer information so that when I get the blue screen of death I can fix it and not jump up and down in a bad temper, which is what usually happens.
Confidence, and I mean confidence, not arrogance. Enough to allow me to walk into a room full of strangers without feeling like there is a neon sign over my head saying ‘Freak!’
The moves like Jagger.
The ability to make people laugh.
The willpower to stop myself eating like the world is going to run out of food tomorrow :|
The ability to be able to use the word ‘No’ and mean it.
Thing is though, what would any of it really change, inside I’d still be the same eejit I always was :)
So I guess I should really introduce myself, my name is Warren, well it’s not actually Warren, but that’s what folks call me, and I am a store clerk at ‘Empire Records’ which has to be the coolest place on the planet to work.
The Indecisive Eejit 