So I was thinking, and I know I’m not supposed to be doing as much of that, but I was bored whilst travelling home and figured it would be a good way to pass the time.
I love people watching, and a long journey is just the right place to do that. The evening train is packed full of many different characters, school children, students, shoppers, those in suits, and then people like me.
I had no clear direction of what I wanted to do when I was younger. My Sister was the smart one, thankfully she has enough smarts for both of us. She was focused on her studying and worked really hard to forge her career. I had no idea what I wanted to do and was extremely undisciplined when it came to a learning. I can still remember people stressing to me at exam time how important it was that I study, while I stood there nodding my head, promising that I would, but not really meaning it. Being older I can now see how that must have been very frustrating for the speaker, as anyone I tried to impart the same wisdom to, gave me the look and answers I had, causing me to jump up and down saying nooooo, you have to believe me, I speak the truth!
I wish now though that I had focused, studied and perhaps had a trade so to speak. I would love to have gained a little more knowledge regarding computers, and yes I know it’s not too late and I could still enrol in classes, but that takes both time and money, neither of which I have in abundance right now.
If something interests me I will self teach myself and that knowledge has got me through life so far without too many major problems. But still, hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I have always done office work. I’m probably not the best there is out there, but I am certainly not the worst either. I try to treat people as I would like to be treated, but I am noticing as I get older that there are a few less notches on my bullshit meter and my hormones which are undoubtedly hurtling towards the menopause make me more prone to wanting to choke people.
As you get older life becomes a little less carefree and a lot more stressful. Perhaps it’s your body telling you that you have to grow up, but your brain is fighting it, because it still thinks it’s 18 and in the prime of its life!
Things that were previously effortless now require work. Life’s got busy and there is not a lot of time for the day to day and people can feel left behind, which is not actually the case. Friendships and relationships are a two way street, that require effort from both sides if they are to survive. I personally find that living life day to day like my Dad and I now do, leaves me mentally drained and unable to cope with anything after 9pm, lets call it my threshold watershed! Sometimes just getting through a day unscathed is an achievement in it’s own right.
So taking all things into consideration, the chances are that even had I studied and been a top notch information technology specialist, I would still be sitting where I am today. I would have had the same heart that would have loved and been broken by the same people. I would have had the same sense of duty towards home life and sadly I would probably have made the same mistakes.
I don’t have to like it, but it’s where I am at. I don’t have much, but I am hopefully conscientious in my work, loved by my family and friends and good at lots of little bits and pieces that will see me through to the end of this journey.
I might not be overloaded with the smarts, but thankfully there is a shred common sense!