Apparently as far as Internet dating goes I rock! The fact that, as previously mentioned, the men out number the women on the site at least 10 to 1, has abso fricking lutely nothing to do with it, so you can put the brakes on that train of thought right now!
My Inbox is full to bursting with e-mails from eligible bachelors from all over the world. I have even had some offers of marriage, although I am a little concerned as to why they need my bank details and an immediate loan of $3000. My brother Jamesy said to stay clear, something about it being a Scam thing, now I dunno about you, but I’ve never heard of that religion before. Ah well, I need a man who is a little less concerned with the contents of my bank account considering there’s feck all in it.
I actually did go on a date last Thursday afternoon. I took the advice of all my friends and work colleagues about meeting in daylight and in a public place. I briefed at least 16 people with regards to my whereabouts and provided handouts containing bulletin points of my proposed agenda. You think that was a little too much? believe me there are some rare types on those dating sites. I should know ffs, I’m one of them!
I didn’t really think the whole thing through to be honest. The plan was to go to Starbucks for coffee, keeping in mind the very casual nature of our date. We were to meet outside WH Smith and so I could pick him out from the crowd, he was to carry a newspaper under his right arm. Clearly not one of my better ideas, considering that particular shop incorporates a newsagents and as a result every man except one carried a paper under his arm. There is no surer way to alert the general public to the fact that you are on a blind date than working your way along a line of men asking each one in turn if they are ‘Barney’.
I was beginning to think as I came to the end of the line that perhaps ‘Barney’ on seeing me approach had seized his opportunity to leg it up Royal Avenue, but like a true gentleman he stepped forward and informed me he was the one I had been waiting for, which was greeted with a roar of approval from all the non Barneys. I smiled, shook his hand, and kept my face very non committal, whilst thinking, no, no, no, you are so not the one I have been waiting for. Call me picky if you like, but jeans and manure covered wellington boots were always a turn off for me on a first date.
Not wanting to let the side down, or face the wrath of Onda, I decided to proceed with the date anyway, so ten minutes later found us seated in Starbucks with our coffees and a cheeky caramel square each. My sister on hearing I was to go on a blind date had told me we needed to have a codeword for text messages, as she was worried that my date might murder me, but manage to keep it a secret by replying to my text messages. The codeword was to be ‘FFS’ and she was to text at 4pm exactly.
Now I’m not saying I wasn’t enjoying my date, I was having a good laugh and the craic was mighty, but there was no chemistry, or is it biology, you know what I mean, it’s one of those sciency type things. So at 4pm my phones bleeps and right on cue it’s my sister:
Sister: Are you ok? How’s it going?
Me: Yeah it’s going not to bad thanks.
Sister: Who are you and what have you done with my sister, I’m calling the police.
Me: It’s me ffs, everything is ok!!!
Sister: You didn’t use the codeword.
Considering the shaky start, the rest of the date went not to bad. We finished our coffees and then it was time for me to head home. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again, but he was a nice enough bloke, he even gave me his paper to read on the train.
(Some people didn’t seem to sure after my first couple of offerings, but please remember when reading these posts that May Dupp is a fictional character….I am not Internet dating so you have no need to worry about my safety, but thank you for caring!
The only part of this post which was based on real life was the text messages. That did actually happen with my Sister one time when I went on a blind date, although I can’t remember it word for word.)