Speaking Litter-aly!

May Prison

I thought it was bad enough the other day when the drunk gentleman swindled me out of the most gorgeous salad ever in my favourite lunch box, but today I find out he has also got me into trouble with the law.

There I was sitting at my desk minding my own business, flicking through a magazine, working, when I glance up and see a Police Constable talking to my boss, who was rather alarmingly pointing in my direction.  I work in a little pod of four people. A quick glance under the desk confirmed there was nowhere to hide. If only I had brought my biggest handbag with me, everything fits in it, including the kitchen sink.

As he’s sauntering towards me I’m wracking my brains trying to think of anything that I could have done that would lead me to be in trouble with the law. Remembering I was out on Saturday night with Onda makes my blood run cold, as I realise there could be any number of things. Fear sets in and I am on the verge of jumping up and screaming ‘It was me’ while holding my wrists out to be cuffed, when I catch myself on and quickly sit on my hands, adopting a look of pure innocence. Batting my eyelids just makes me look like I have an annoying tic so I decided on this occasion to refrain.

Policeman: Good Morning Miss, would it be possible to have a word?

Me: It wasn’t me.

Policeman: What wasn’t you?

Me: Whatever it is you think I did, I didn’t, it wasn’t me.

Policeman: I see. So it wasn’t you who kindly donated your salad to a gentleman in the park the other day.

At his use of the word kindly my ears pricked up and my imagination went into overdrive. Perhaps I had been on one of those hidden camera shows and I was now in line for 20% of the old drunks hidden fortunes.

The quest for fame is a dangerous one.

Me: Oh aye, that, well yes that was me.

Policeman: Ah ha, so it was you?

Me: What was me?

Policeman: That thing I thought you did, that you said you didn’t, it was you.

I felt like I had been slapped repeatedly about the face so confusing was the conversation.

Me: Eh, yes, it’s a fair cop.

Policeman: Your name please?

Me: May

Policeman: May what?

Me: May Dupp

Policeman: Are you trying to be funny?

Me: No, why?

Policeman: I’m expected to believe your name is May Dupp?

Me: You can believe what you wish, but it’s May Dupp not made up. It was given to me by my Mammy.

Policeman: I see.

Me: You seem to see at lot of things.

Policeman: Well I certainly see your name going on a ticket for littering.

Me: But I didn’t litter.

Policeman: You left remains of your lunch in the park. Is this your lunch box?

Me: It might be.

Policeman: This lunch box with the sticker on the back that says ‘Mays Big Box?’

Oh bollox!

Me: But I left it with the elderly gentleman, I shared my salad with him. I can’t be blamed for him leaving it behind.

Policeman: (Raises eyebrow)

Me: Yep, that’s my lunch box.

Policeman: And this Miss Dupp is your ticket.

Me: Thank you PC….?

Policeman: Plod.

Me: I’m glad you find this funny, just give me the damn ticket!

So the moral of this story is, never give your big box to a stranger without removing the sticker first.


The Joys of Modern Travel Part 5!

The powers that be in NIR have obviously stumbled upon and read my previous Joys of Modern Travel 1 & 2, because they mention the price of tickets.

I had a relatively lovely week of travel, all on time, a seat everyday, nothing to complain about…..yes I know, for you it’s boring…for me it was just all lovely, rainbows, singing bluebirds the whole heap until I heard on the news one day that the price of tickets is rising 5%!!! I’m telling you, it was all I could do not to cry! and I mean cry as in tears cry, not cry out in anger.

I’m not stupid, I know the cost of everything rises, and they are saying this rise is not even in line with inflation and I also appreciate this is the first rise on some ticket types for a long time, but when everyone is already finding it hard to make ends meet is it a good idea and just when you are starting to encourage people to use your service are you not kind of shooting yourself in the foot?

They say you are better using their cheaper options, weekly, monthly’s etc. Of course a season ticket is the best option, but who in this day and age has a spare £1500 lying around to shell out all at once. There is also still the option of a third off a day return on tickets after 9.30 in the morning, but that does not suit if you are going to work!

It’s now going to cost me £1800 a year to travel, and for that I cannot even catch a direct train, I have to change on every single one. I can’t remember the last time I had a pay rise.

Customer satisfaction remains high as customers appreciate the many improvements we have made to our fleet, technology, ticketing together with innovative promotions and we look forward to  seeing more people try the bus and train over the coming weeks and months

This is true, I’d be a liar if I said I did not love the new trains and the fact that they do not break down. I also love the free WIFI service, but I’m wondering now is it really free, or is that where the bulk of my 5% is going. I’ve not seen any innovative promotions that are aimed at regular working people. How about offering a 6 month season ticket, or buy 3 months get one half price, I’ve love you long time if you would do that!

Sometimes I also wish they would consider other ticketing options. My monthly on the train runs from one date to another, i.e. if I bought it today it would run out on the 28th May, problem is I only very rarely use trains on the weekend, and I don’t always travel everyday of the week either as sometimes I am lucky enough to get a lift, so I’d prefer a ticket like they have on the buses, a 40 journey one, which I could probably make last an extra week or so.

Sad thing is there is no choice, we just have to manage and pay it somehow if we want to travel to work!

The Joys of Modern Travel Part 2!

……arrived at Station. No one there. Stepped on train. Conductor “Ticket Please?”. I need to get off at the manned station to get one. “Ok”. The train stopped at the manned station and I did just consider sitting where I was. I was having a lazy moment, which coupled with the, I can’t be doing with this bullshit mentality was making me into a rebel. Then I wimped out, cos that’s what I do, wimpier than a wimp schooled at the school of wimpness I am. Stepped off train. Guard at station “Ticket please?”. I’m going in to get one, I need a monthly and you’re the only manned station. “Well are you getting back on?”. I did ponder for a few seconds on the merits of his offer, looked at him, looked at my dodgy leg, looked at him and then looked at my dodgy leg some more. Nah you’re all right mate thanks, I’ll get the next one.

Paid £141. Felt a little sick. Bought a coffee for £1.10. Felt a little better.

Drank my coffee, waited for the train. Stepped on, travelled, stepped off and went about my business.