Tis the seas…oh feck off!

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You may have noticed that I have not posted in, well I don’t know for how long, but it feels like forever.

I wouldn’t even know how to explain the last couple of weeks, it’s been a veritable rollercoaster of ups and downs. There have been tantrums, mini bathroom floods, periods of silence and very little breaks in between.

The run up to Christmas has started and the Mothership is already on my case about writing Christmas cards despite the fact that November has not yet ended. It’s enough to give anyone a headache.

I think I must be the worst Christmas present buyer ever, I can never think of fun and ingenious things to buy anymore, once upon a time such things would have come naturally, but now it just feels like additional stress, something I do not need.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just programme everyone’s traits into a big machine which would then spit out the perfect gift ideas for friends and family. Even better still, what about a personal shopper!

Up until now we’ve been relatively lucky weather wise as well, its been quite mild, albeit a little windy at times, nothing to do with my arse or brussel sprouts I promise. This weekend there is the threat of snow, a piece of news that had me all a tizzy. It means the official season for the DM boots might be starting, something that is sorely going to displease Alien Leg, she’s already been pitching a fit.

But hey ho, life goes on, there’s nothing else for it.

My pre Christmas New Years resolution…to write more, wish me luck.

What about you, how’s things been?

The Woes of Winter

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It has to be said, I look amazing in a onsie. I am pretty sure the person who invented them had me in mind when doing so. Only that it would not be considered acceptable fashion for the work place, I would wear mine all the time.

They are not the most flattering outfit, but there is something cute about the soft fur and the little ears that adorn the hood of mine. I feel like a marshmallow being gently toasted by the light of the fire..well it’s more a gas heater, I mean who wants to be bother with the hassle of coal and sticks these days, certainly not me, I have the general well being of my nails to consider.

I dread the cold weather coming in, especially walking in the ice and snow, it ‘s always the day you decide to go commando that you go arse over tit while walking to the bus stop. It’s hard to keep your modesty in check whilst trying to save your handbag at the same time. Worse still is when a child decides to help you and hands back your tampon informing you that you dropped your sweet. Damn you and your fancy wrappers anyway. The look on his poor little face when he realised I was not going to give it back to him as a thank you,  what was I to do? I handed him 20p and told him to run along, my face redder than Santa’s suit at Christmas.

Falling leaves, now there’s another curse. Forget what you see in the films, a cute couple kissing as the leaves cascade around them, that’s all bullshit, because what you don’t know is that someone lifted them both and carried them to that spot. The normal people, like you and I, well we’d be lucky to get to there without causing ourselves serious injury. Never mind the ’leaves on the line’ saga, have you ever experienced leaves on the bottom of your Louis Buttons…yes I know, everything about me is just fake, fake,fake. I have heard them described as ‘Killer heels’ in the past, but I didn’t realise that meant they were actually going to kill me. One step in the wrong direction onto a soggy leaf and you might as well say cheerio to any shred of street cred you had.

Ice is the same. With it’s help over the years I have perfected the art of the comedy run, where your feet move but you don’t actually go anywhere. Imagine Bambi on ice, only a little less classy!

So yeah, I can’t wait for Winter…..yay! I wish there was a way to convey sarcasm via text ffs.

Snow laughing matter!

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How I feel about Snow!

You lovely lovely people, who would have though that posts about Fresh Air would garner so much interest. How are you liking the series so far? What do you mean you can’t see them, they are right there in the fresh air, I wrote them with my new fresh airbrush set. Time to put on those rose tinted glasses me thinks.

Today was my best day ever for follows. Go figure, you lot are amazing! I really appreciate each new person who clicks the button.

So, here’s the thing, it’s actually really hard to write about fresh air. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself and good luck with it, this is one time I will happily accept the resounding smack of failure.

What I am going to write about, and I suppose in some ways it is slightly connected is that fluffy white stuff that everyone likes to see at Christmas. No I don’t mean the new fleecy dressing gown you got your Granny from Primark, I mean snow!

Snow is precipitation in the form of flakes of crystalline water ice that fall from clouds.

Even I have to agree that snow is beautiful to look at, if you’re looking at it through the window of your warm living room and have nowhere that you need to be that is. The new fresh layers of powder make the world look like it has been coated in Marshmallow, and trying to walk through it certainly adds to this feeling. It’s all fun and games until it brings everything to a standstill and people get stranded.

My worst nightmare is when the snow starts to melt and then freezes turning every pavement you set foot on into an ice rink. To add to the misery wee Johnny from up the street thinks it’s a great idea to pelt you full in the face with a slushy snow blob and as you try to get away you do your own version of a comedy run, as in your legs are moving, but you ain’t going nowhere!

They are saying this is going to be the worst Winter we have had in a long time. I hope they are wrong. I don’t think either I or alien leg could cope with that kind of pressure everyday for the next 4 months. I might have to consider putting myself into hibernation and trying to convince work they want to pay me for it. There’s about as much chance of that as me writing an actual post about fresh air!

I’d like to blame Alien Leg at this point and say that she is the reason I no longer like walking in the ice and snow, as being not as steady on my feet is certainly going to prove problematic. However I’d have to endure many chants of ‘Liar Liar pants on fire’, as the truth is, I have been a big wuss for a lot longer than she has been in existence.

Ach well, at least if I make it into work on the bad days I can while away the hours chanting ‘There’s snow place like home.’