sad – The Indecisive Eejit

The other day when I couldn’t think of anything to write, I started to read.

Despite the fact that I had a gazillion unread posts on both WordPress and Bloglovin, I started to read my own, using the recommendations at the bottom of each post as stepping stones.

I think I have changed. It’s almost as if over the course of the two years I have grown up a little, mainly because I have had to. I have yet to decide if I like the person I have become, but I miss laughter, it seems to be in short supply this weather.

One common theme through many of my posts, was my unashamed love for WordPress and the people I have met. I noted as I wandered around how many people are now absent for one reason or another, gone, but not necessarily forgotten.

I wish I had the time to maintain the level of participation and interaction that I would like, but sadly, due to the aforementioned having to grow up, I don’t. Everyday there is something new that steals a few more precious minutes from me. It is something that sits heavily on my shoulders, because I don’t feel I can always give back what I receive, just know that I try.

I was late to discover ‘Mondays Finish the Story‘, I do believe I have Drailman to thank for my introduction with his take on Delphine and her fathers airplane. I participated in that one myself and perhaps one other.

Barbara, who was the host, had been unwell, but still managed to continue with the challenge and despite undergoing treatment, commented on each and every post, a genuinely lovely lady.

I’d kept an eye out this past couple of weeks for the challenge, but none had been posted and I hoped everything was ok, but I didn’t know who to ask. Today on checking the site, I read the sad post from her husband saying that she had passed away.

It is true about the people we meet, because although I only met and conversed with Barbara briefly, she touched my heart, and that heart goes out to her husband, family and all the circle of bloggers who knew her far better than I did.

We have lost two amazing people from the blogsphere in the last year, I hope they know how much they are / will be missed.

Gone but never forgotten.

There are two new stars in the sky to cast a light on our journeys.

Sad Eejit

Sadly, this it not going to be one of those posts where you try to guess my location. I’m right where I always am, I’m just not sure who I am anymore.

I’ve found this last month or so a real struggle, I’ve been feeling a little disconnected, from pretty much everything. My anxiety levels have been through the roof, which has a knock on effect of a messed up sleep pattern, it’s a vicious circle. I still function, I do all the things I am supposed to, I keep things ticking over, and everyone fed, I go to work and the rest of the time I just feel tired. In my head the world is going to fall apart at any second and believe me, that’s not a nice feeling.

I miss the person I was. I used to be mildly funny. Perhaps in the correct setting I still could be, right now I just feel lost.

This life swamps me sometimes, the enormity of it all. I don’t think about just one person now, I have to think for two. I had trouble enough looking after myself.

I miss writing here, but I have nothing to say but this. I’m left not knowing what to do, should I wait until I have something funny to say, or should I just write everything and hope that the few people who interact don’t run for the hills. It is after all part and parcel of who I am, no one can be funny all of the time, right?!

I was cleaning out my computer of all the junk it has amassed over the last five years it has been with me. Reading through old posts left me wondering who the person who wrote them was, because it feels a world away from who I am now. If I’m also hurtling towards the menopause then I am well and truly fucked, throwing hormones into this mix is going to be about the the same as throwing a firework on a bonfire, looks out folks she’s gonna blow!

The thing is, I’ll get through it, I always do. Tomorrow I’ll get up and I’ll still function exactly as I did today. I’ll write about it and you’ll tell me stupid jokes and make me smile.

One day if I’m lucky, and you lot are incredibly unlucky I might just write a funny post again. Most likely the next one, because it is amazing how cathartic writing this shit actually is :)

Let me start with the bad jokes, to set you off on the right track:

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor? – It was driving down the road when it suddenly turned into a field!

And finally, whilst perusing Spotify this week, they were kind enough to give me a little playlist all of my very own based on the songs I listen to. One of the choices was a band called Amber Run with a song called I found which I love, however for the purposes of this post I am going to leave you with their song called Spark, simply because as the song says, I need to let the light in.

Till next time eejits :)