introvert – The Indecisive Eejit

I think for me there is a certain time of the year when all things spring clean related start to happen. Now when I say they start to happen, I mean I start to think about it, it doesn’t always happen happen, if you catch my drift. The days are getting longer and the snowdrops in the garden have started to poke through so that gives me hope that spring is on the way.

On this occasion I am actually talking about a spring clean of my blog, so thankfully that’s a task I can do while sitting down, I’m marginally clever sometimes when I want to be, I don’t want to overdo it after all ffs.

I’ve been reading a few posts of late about the do’s and don’ts when it comes to your blog. I kinda think that after 8 years I’ve probably pretty much got all the don’ts covered so perhaps it’s time to cautiously approach the do’s.

The first one I read was about updating the About page, so I thought that’s a good place to start, it’s been a while since I have given it any attention, it does after all say I am in my early 40’s and that is soooo last year, or last 10….oh never mind. So I load it up and have a look and you know what I still like it, and I think to myself how many people will really read it anyway. It’s weird and doesn’t really make much sense, which explains me perfectly I think. I mean if I went right in with the hey there, I’m a 50 year old introvert with mental health issues, I’m not sure anyone would come back. So I’m hoping for a kind of lure them in with a bit of humour and perhaps they will think, wow this is so weird I must come back. Actually, the way I describe it I’d think my about page was awesome, it really isn’t, it’s average at best, but that’s also what you get with this blog, so job done!

Then there are the 566 posts that I have written over the life time of my blog. No one ever scrolls back, or do they? So do I leave them, or do I update them, or do I just go all out full on clean and delete them, banished forever to the trash can full of spam comments. I haven’t thought that far ahead as yet, because to be honest with the little bit I have managed so far, like changing the picture on the about page, my age and the year for the copywrite, I’m about worn out and ready to collapse into a comfortable chair with a cup of coffee and a tube of Smarties.

That said, in 2022 I also hope to do a spring clean of my mind, so expect more posts…..maybe :)

Will you be making any changes to your blog in 2022?

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Image by seaternity

I am an introvert, who knew.

I had suspicions, not because I knew what an introvert was, but because I found a page on Facebook that had all these little memes which could have been tailor made just for me. I was able to identify with lots of the sayings which when put under the cover of a name seemed to make sense. I’m not a weirdo after all, I am an introvert and better still, I am not alone.

I wonder if I had realised sooner that along with the anxiety and worry this was part my ‘affliction’ would I have been a little more settled within myself. Probably not, that is after all why I am having to go to counselling. That said, I am told there is hope for me and I am not the lost cause that I thought I was.

The first lesson I need to teach myself is that I do not need to apologise for who I am and as a consequence, people who know me need to make allowances for the person I am whilst I am in my transition period from anxiety mania to anxiety. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to believe having anxiety /worry is not a choice. It is not something we can stop just because we are told to. If you had any idea just how debilitating it can sometimes be to deal with the simplest of tasks you would understand. According to my counsellor my mind goes 1, 2, skip a few, 99 a milllion! Those who know me well would attest to that.

I love the fact that I am defined as an introvert, because I can now be the person I am without believing there is something wrong with me. I do not love the fact that I suffer so badly from worry and anxiety and that is something I am hoping to change with the help of my counselling sessions which have so far proved worthwhile.

My counsellor told me a statement that I have no doubt I will be repeating time and time again over the next few weeks, “Just because I think it, doesn’t make it true”. That statement is me in a nutshell. She also asked would I ever turn to someone and say “You have no confidence and you’re useless” and I said no of course not and all she said was well then why do you do it to yourself. It was a good point well presented that I had no answer for.

I’m only two weeks in, but already I am challenging myself and the thoughts that lead to the fear and anxiety. It’s going to take time, because as I was told today I have to erase the ‘crap’ that has been placed into my head over the last 40 odd years by both myself and others.

So whilst having anxiety and worry is not a choice as these traits can be picked up from a very young age and then carried throughout life, deciding to change is. Once you know and are aware of the problem it can be dealt with, perhaps not 100% but a step in any direction is a step in the right direction, right!?