stars – The Indecisive Eejit

5893380315_c8474d4928_n — Image by Jim Pennucci

Imagine WordPress is a lake, where the waters are calm and still. This morning when I opened the reader, something felt different, almost like a storm was brewing. There were ripples on the normally smooth surface of the water. Sadness, people leaving, people hurting, it kind of knocked me for six a little.

When I started blogging I have to admit I was a little scared. Sure I had experience of WordPress before, but that was on a self hosted blog that no one ever read. The first couple of months contained many days of me stumbling around in the dark trying to find my way, experimenting and generally teaching myself how to publish a post.

For the first while you hang around unseen, watching and hoping one day you are brave enough to comment on that post that you really liked. You quickly find all the ‘cool’ blogs, because those are the ones everyone gravitates to. You don’t feel worthy to be seen, so you observe from a distance, thinking, ‘when I grow up, I want to be a blog just like that one.’

You feel that every post you write deserves to be Freshly Pressed and obsessively check your e-mails in case you delete that precious message by mistake. Then when you have the time you actually check out some of the posts that have been given the award and reality slaps your resoundly about the face when you realise that if that’s the standard that is required then it’s never coming your way. As time goes on you realise it doesn’t matter anyway, there are much more worthwhile reasons to blog.

Still you hanker after the cool blogs, liking and commenting in the hopes of being noticed, because after all that’s what you are advised to do, get yourself out there and make new friends. Your pride is a little dented when after a month you have still gone unnoticed, but a few strangers stop by to say hello.

The strangers become friends, and bring some of their own along. The craic is good and before you know it you are visiting the cool blogs less and less. You have the approval of the people that matter to you, and that’s more than enough.

One day you realise that all blogs are the same, because they are being run by humans and humans make mistakes. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than worthy, appreciate those who already think you are good enough.

Don’t be afraid of the dark, and don’t be dazzled by bright lights, it’s all the little ones that come when you least expect it that light your way! Don’t give up, they will find you.

I am in awe, total awe, of a lot of the posts I read on Freshly Pressed, so despite how it might first appear when you read the post title I am indeed glad it exists.

By far the best post I have read so far was Nickle Lauritzen and the Afterlife on One Boy’s Way of Knowing, it actually brought tears to my eyes. I made Paul read it too and all he could say was “Wow”. Other people will be able to tell you in big fancy words how fantastic it was, I wish I could, but that is just not me. I can simply tell you from the heart it was wonderful and urge you to read it. I am certainly grateful to Freshly Pressed because it allowed me to find and read it.

So I’m in awe! Everyday I read things that make me laugh, make me sad, make me think, make me confused, make me ask questions and last but not least make me jealous.

I want to be able to write like that. I want to be able to make people feel all the different emotions I do and leave it so they want to come back and see if I can do it all again. Sadly I can’t, and I am just going to have to put up with that fact, but secretly it bothers me. I always joke that I want NGE on my gravestone, which stands for Not Good Enough. I’m not putting myself down when I say that, despite what you might think. What I mean is, I am great at lots of different little bits and pieces of things but I don’t excel at anything.

So I started a blog which guess what, yep it’s all little different bits and pieces, just like the cluttered workings of my brain.

I did have a debate with myself about this, and also about the blog title, because not everything will be about gaming, but I decided I like the name, it sums me up and I can write whatever weird and wonderful stuff I want on here. It’s not going to appeal to everyone, it may not even appeal to anyone but it’s a good way to store my memories, a veritable patchwork quilt of my madness.

So I shall let the content of Freshly Pressed stress me no more, I don’t have to be brilliant like the amazing people featured there. For all the thousands of brilliant writers out there, are hundreds like me who are happy to be the blanket behind the stars!