Feeling Strange

It’s a strange feeling being sad. It’s even worse when you want to be happy. My happy is still there, it never leaves me, but often times, the smile that I feel, does not reach my eyes.

It’s a strange feeling to cry, especially when you have nothing to cry about, but there are days when the darkness overshadows the light and stifles it’s tiny glow.

It’s a strange feeling to feel unloved, even though you know you are, even though you are told you are, but those little voices in your head continue to pick and pick until you can take no more and sigh your agreement.

It’s a strange feeling to feel like a failure. To feel like there are never any gains, only losses. There is never any happiness, only sadness. There is only darkness, never light.

I feel all these things, daily. I fight with myself constantly. I use the techniques I have been taught, and I cling on, because I am not ready to give up.

Do not make the mistake of thinking though that I am not happy, because mostly I am. I love my family and I love my friends, I have been blessed with the best of both. I’ve been through some shit, I’m still going through some shit, but it’s not as bad as what others are having to face.

I’m squaring up against my enemy, and that enemy is me. Every day is a battle. Some days I do not have the energy, so I fight like a girl, all hissy fits and bitch slaps. Other days I roar like a lion and sometimes I even come out on top.

My blog used to be such a happy place. There was laughter and merriment and then somewhere over the course of 5 years everything changed. I changed. It became an outlet for me to vent and release the feelings that were inside my head. Again I felt like a failure when I could not write, but I had trouble voicing everything going on. I wanted to try and be the happy person that people had come to know, but I couldn’t, so instead I stopped writing. That was a mistake.

If my newest round of counselling has taught me anything, it’s that it is ok to be me. I don’t have to make excuses for the way I am, instead, I have to learn to love and value myself so that I can receive the same from others. Fuck is that difficult.

I suppose the point of this post, if there is one, or if it needs one, is to never give up. No matter what life throws at you, or what you throw at yourself, never give up. The darkness may sometimes consume the light, but there are always little things in life that will light a match and reignite the flame. You just need to remember to look for them.

Remember, I am good, I am ok, I just needed to write and from now on that is what I will do. I do not need sympathy, the fact that you are here is enough for me, it has always been enough, this community has seen me through many dark times.

The Eejit that is still in me needs you to know, that thoughts are like a good fart, better out than in, and that is why I write, both the happy and the sad.

Just a quickie

I’m fairly sure I have said that here before on WordPress, but being a good girl I have not said it anywhere else, honest!

I thought I would stop by for 10 minutes or so, I am procrastinating you see, because there is housework to be done and beds to change and I just cannot be feckin assed! So what better way to not do something I should be doing than to do something I should have done ages ago.

There has been a lot of stir in the world of the eejit, I’ve had to socialise, I know right, that look of horror on your face is pretty much the same as mine. November has proved to be a very busy month, the Fathership celebrated his 80th birthday, god bless his cotton socks and now my Sistership is gearing up to celebrate her 50th. We were away last weekend for an overnight stay and on the Sunday we had a walk around the very beautiful Castlewellan Country Park. It was a gorgeous day, blue skies and everything albeit a little cold.

My Sister is celebrating a little differently, with a Van Morrison themed party, yes, she loves him so much that two of her cats were named after his songs. It should be good fun and there will be pizza!

So happy big birthdays to both of my family members.

I did however read a little sad news today. I happened to be looking for Buffalo Tom Peabody’s blog and I came across related comments to say that we had lost yet another blogging friend. The original post is unfortunately gone as his blogs have been deleted.

I’m incredibly sad to hear this, Ken was a true gentleman and only the other day I had been reading e-mails we had exchanged when I made him banners for his site.

Rest in peace Bufflao Tom Peabody, both you and your nincompoopery will be missed :(

 

 

 

In the midst of the Meh!

 

I’m not a big lover of posting videos, I like to share my music tastes as the ‘In my music bubble’ page shows, but I didn’t like having to make people watch things. A few others have been sharing their music using you tube video’s and I realised it was actually a great way to share the songs here. How could I have been so stupid, I mean how did I think people were going to find my offerings. Stupid cow, can I blame the fact that I am an eejit? Thank you Rob and NBI for opening my eyes :)

I’ve been feeling a little off kilter for the past couple of weeks. I can’t seem to put my finger on why, but my happiness meter is nowhere near where it should be. I suppose I can take some comfort from the fact that I am able to recognize the dips, I’ve had them before.

Even before my friend came on holiday, my posting had been a little sporadic, mainly because of the way I had been feeling.

I would describe myself as two halves, on one hand you have the person you all know, the jokey one, who gets a kick from entertaining and loves all the interaction.

On the other hand you have the constant worrier. The older I get, the worse it gets. This half still loves all the interaction, but doesn’t feel particularly deserving of it, in fact I think you’re all nuts and hiding behind rose tinted glasses lol I still get scared to comment, even though I know in my heart of hearts you will understand me and get what it is I am trying to say. This half is eternally grateful to you all, well actually both halves are, because you all make me feel grounded and a part of something. I adore the interaction. You’ve helped my quiet side step out from the shadows.

I wanted this blog to be a happy place, I didn’t want to bring my other side in, however the downside of that, is that when you are feeling a little ‘meh’ you either don’t want to write or feel that you can’t.

It’s stupid that I should put restrictions on myself, at the end of the day this is my blog and I can write what I want. I don’t need to seek approval. Anyone who is a friend will accept me for all the parts of me, not just the ones I chose to show at any given time. There are no hard and fast rules that state I have to be happy all the time, although given the choice and a slightly less wonky top box, that would be the preferred option.

I am my own worst critic, of that there is no doubt. I am never happy, no matter how well I do at something, but I am going to try and make changes. At the end of the day, if I don’t feel comfortable within myself, how can I expect others to be comfortable around me. I am in awe of the eejits that have already pulled up their recliners and settled down around me, you are more than welcome, now put the kettle on would ya? I brought biscuits!

I’m telling you this because I want to. I’m letting you know that in the life of The Indecisive Eejit, whilst it is always indecisive, it is not always rainbows and unicorns. I’m preparing you for the fact that I might let the blog ship sail on stormy days and not just the sunshine ones.

I’m also, if we go right back to the beginning of this post and how it started out, sharing a you tube video of the latest song I like listening to whilst I am wallowing around in the big pond of mehness that surrounds me.

I hope you like it too and thank you for being here, you complete and utter bunch of eejits :)